01x15 - Lucy and the Ex-Con

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Good morning.

Well, it is a good
morning indeed.

You're getting to
work on time for once.

Yeah. Well, I just made
up my mind that being

late to work is the wrong
way to start the day.

Really?

Yeah. If you don't get to
that coffee shop before 9:00,

all the donuts are gone.

Hey, what are you doing?

What is that?

This is a place of business,
not a breakfast club.

Oh, Harry.

I will be on
appointments all morning.

And while I am gone I expect
you to be working, not dunking.

Oh, honestly.

Oh.

You can't even have
your coffee in the morning.

Good morning.

Oh, may I help you?

I'm looking for work.

Oh, well come in, please.

I'm Mrs. Carter.

Won't you sit down?

Now, sir, what kind of
work are you looking for?

Well, I heard this place deals with
unusual jobs for unusual people.

I see.

And you do unusual work?

No, I'm an unusual people.

Oh.

Well, in what way
are you unusual?

I've gotten by all my life
without doing a single day's work.

Well, then how do
you manage to live?

Well, in the past my living
expenses and residential

needs were provided by
the federal government.

Oh, you're in politics.

No, but a couple of the
fellows in my cell were.

You were in prison?

I prefer to think of
it as a rehabilitation

center for victims of the
economic depression.

Oh, and now you're
looking for work?

Yes, and because of my record I
have trouble finding employment.

But I'd like to get an
honest job and go straight.

Well, now that's
very commendable.

We will start by filling
out this application.

What is your name?

- Reilly.
- Reilly.

- Murphy, Shapiro, Agnew, Smith.
- What?

Well, take your pick.
I've been all of them.

I must have your
right name, sir.

My right name?

- Barnett.
- Barnett.

And your first name?

Rocky.

Rocky?

You don't look like a Rocky.

It's short for Rockingham.

Tell me, Mr. Barnett, do
you have any particular skills?

How do you think
I got to prison?

I mean legitimate work.

Didn't you learn a useful
trade while you were in prison?

Well, for the past ten years
I've been making license plates.

License plates?

Well, then under former
occupation I'll just put down tinsmith.

Tinsmith?

Yeah. Well, you made license
plates, so it's not really a lie.

You're a nice lady.

Well, thank you.

And I think you're
a very nice man.

Tell me, what did
you get arrested for?

Well, I - You've heard
of unscheduled airlines?

Yes.

Well, I was an
unscheduled locksmith.

I opened safes when
no one expected it.

Oh, you're a safe cr*cker.

That's the word
I was groping for.

Say,

do you think that you
could get that safe open?

Oh, I can open that old
crate wearing boxing gloves.

Well, would you
open it for me, please?

Oh, now, lady, I promised I
wasn't going to do that anymore.

Oh, but what I want you to
get out of there belongs to me.

Yeah, sure. What I used to get
out of safes belonged to me, too.

But it's my coffee and donuts.

Sure. It was my
bread and butter.

Oh, please open it for me.

All right, lady, but what you
take out of it is your business.

Well, just hurry up.

I just want to get it open
before my boss gets back.

Yeah, naturally.

Tell me, is it hard figuring
out those combinations.

Please, lady, I've got
to have absolute silence.

Oh.

There you are. It's all yours.

Oh, thank you.

There, you see?

Hey, you weren't kidding.

No.

And now I'm going
to do you a favor.

I want you to take this application
over to the Parker Import Company.

- Parker Import.
- Yes.

They have an opening
for a maintenance man.

Well, this is wonderful
of you, Mrs. Carter.

I don't know how to thank you.

Mr. Barnett, just being able to help
someone like you is thanks enough.

Well, I won't let you down.

Oh, I hope not.

- Mrs. Carter?
- Yes?

If there were more
people in the world like you,

there'd be less people like me.

Well, that's very
nice of you to say.

Oh, I'll put it on a
bumper sticker if you like.

Well, thanks, but I
don't even have a car.

You don't?

Uh-uh.

What kind of a
car would you like?

Now, Rocky, you're not
going to do that anymore.

Remember you're going straight.

Oh, yes, ma'am.

I promise.

Scout's honor.

That's better.

- Bye.
- Bye-bye.

Why, Harry, what
are you doing here?

I want to talk to you.

Well, why didn't you
wait till I got to the office?

Because you won't be
going to the office anymore.

Why not?

This is why not.

Parker Import Company
robbed by safe cr*cker.

What?

Last night the Parker Import Company was
robbed of $100,000.00 worth of diamonds.

The Parker Company had no
knowledge that Rocky Barnett, the janitor,

hired only yesterday through
the Unique Employment Agency,

was an ex-convict because
his application had been falsified.

Well, now, Harry, it wasn't really
falsified. It was just a little white lie.

I know. I turned
white when I read it.

Do you have to yell.

Yes. Yes, I have to yell because
I stop yelling I'll start hitting.

You see what you've done?

It's probably the neighbors.

Oh, Rocky.

Rocky?

Rocky, I'd like you to meet
my boss, Harrison Carter.

Oh, Mr. Carter, I want to thank
you for getting me such a nice job.

I'll bet you do.

Rocky, what are you doing here?

Well, I came to see
you, Mrs. Carter,

because you had faith in me, and I wanted
you to know that I didn't rob that safe.

A likely story.

Well, I can prove I'm innocent.

How, Rocky? How?

Well, when I went in to clean
that office the safe door was open,

and I found this
thing on the floor.

- What's that?
- That's a metal cone from a stethoscope,

and Doc Morgan is the only safe
cr*cker around that uses a stethoscope.

That's why we call him Doc.

You see?

He's innocent.

Innocent?

Do you think the police would accept
the world of an ex-con and gullible Gerty?

Oh, Harry.

The man's name is Doc Morgan?

Yeah.

He runs a dive called
the Sea dr*fter Cafe.

Is that here in town?

Yeah, and I got a hunch that those diamonds
are in the safe in his office right now.

Oh.

I wish I could prove it.

Well, let's go and get them.

Oh, I'm getting out of here.

I will not be guilty of aiding
and abetting a criminal.

He's not a criminal.

All Rocky wants to do is
have a chance to go straight.

Yeah, straight to
somebody's safe.

Harry!

Oh, Mrs. Carter, I'd rather give
myself up than cause you more trouble.

We're not giving up until
we get those diamonds back.

Well, how are we gonna do that?

We'll just pay that Doc
Morgan a house call.

Oh, no, I can't go there.

He'd recognize me, and
he'd guess what I was up to.

Well, now who says that
he is going to recognize you?

What's your name, honey?

I don't think this
is going to work.

Don't be chicken.

I've never been on a caper
that made me this nervous.

You just play it cool, and
I'll get us into the office,

so you can crack the safe.

Maybe I'll feel better
after I've had a drink.

No drink.

You're not that kind of a girl.

If you ladies are looking for
the library it's down the street.

I'm looking for Mr. Morgan.

Oh, I'm Mr. Morgan.
Can I help you?

Yes. My name is
Abigail Throckmorton.

Oh?

And this is Lydia Perkins.

Of the Pasadena Perkins'.

Oh.

We are from the Ladies
Civic Betterment Committee,

and we have received some
complaints about your establishment.

Complaints?

- Yes.
- Yes.

Your neighbors charge
that you are running a

place that is a detriment
to the community.

- That's right.
- Nothing could be further from the truth.

Now, you ain't gonna 'cause a lot of
trouble because of some rumors are you?

Well, if they're just rumors
there will be no trouble.

We would like to conduct a personal
investigation and report the truth.

I'd be very happy for
you to look around.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

Irving, these ladies are with the
Ladies Civic Betterment Committee,

and they want to case the joint.

Huh?

Give these two
ginger and bubbles.

Oh, I've got you, boss.

As you can see, this
place has the peaceful

atmosphere of a south
sea island paradise.

It is picturesque.

And all the relics
do look authentic.

Everything in here
is over 100 years old.

Everything?

And did you ever see
a place more classy?

It does seem quite refined.

I cater to a lot of dignified
ladies like yourself.

You should see the wonderful
business we do on Mother's Day, too.

I imagine you also do
quite well on Father's Day.

We get a lot of them, too.

In fact, most of our
business is family trade.

Maybe you'll put
that in your report.

Oh, we'll be glad to, yes.

If you don't mind, we'll just go into
your office and make out our report.

Wait a minute.

I do my officing right here.

Oh?

Lydia, instead of making out
a written report why don't you

telephone the ladies of the
committee and tell them that

Mr. Morgan seems to run
a very respectable place.

Oh, that would be very nice.

If you don't mind, I'll just go into
your office and use your telephone.

Hold it.

My office is a mess.

Here's a dime.

What's that for?

There's a phone
in the powder room.

I couldn't possibly go in there.

Why not?

Oh. Oh.

We don't approve of
women who use powder.

Anyway, Lydia, we're going to
have to wait a while before phoning.

The committee
hasn't even started yet.

The girls aren't all together.
Why don’t we sit down?

While you're waiting,
would you like a drink?

Oh.

No, thank you.

How about you?

Well-

Lydia doesn't drink.

Perhaps I could
make an exception.

Lydia.

Anybody in here call a cab?

Yeah, I did.

Hey, boss, come here.

Old Man Muldoon had a few too many, so
I dumped him in the office to sleep it off.

We'll get on it the back way.

Driver, bring your cab
around the rear entrance.

Right.

Excuse me, ladies.

Why? What did you do?

I'm leaving you for a while.

Well, keep in touch.

Hey, I think I know how
to get us into that office.

How?

I mean, how?

We'll tell him we changed
our mind about that drink.

That's a good idea.

I'll pretend to get
loaded and pass out, see,

and you help them take me
into the office to sleep it off.

And then when they leave
you can crack the safe.

I'll drink to that.

Mr. Morgan. Mr. Morgan.

Yes, Mrs. Perkins, what is it?

You know, this being
such a nice place,

maybe we will have a drinky-poo.

You name it.

Well, what are those nice drinks
with all the lovely fruit in them?

Oh, those are called Mai Thai.

Mai Thai's?

What a nice name.

I think I'll try one.

How about you?

Yes.

Might I have a Mai tai?

Honey.

Here you are.

Oh, isn't that pretty?

Look at the little
parasol and everything.

That's beautiful.

Oh, my. That is refreshing.
Is it some kind of punch?

Yeah, quite a punch.

My goodness. I must
have been thirsty.

You know, this tastes like a drink
we had when we visited Hawaii.

Well, that's where
the drink originated.

Is that so? What's in it?

Rum.

Seven different kinds of rum.

Seven different kinds?

I haven't even
come to one kind yet.

Oh, it gets better
as you go along.

Mm.

It is good.

It's very good.

Mr. Morgan, I'll bet you don't
know what kind of a ship that is.

Oh, that ship is known as
a three-masted schooner.

No, it isn't.

It's a bottle ship.

A bottle ship?

Doesn't that music remind
you of the islands, Lydia?

Oh, it certainly does.

- To the beach at Waikiki.
- To the beach at Waikiki.

You girls must have had
a wonderful time in Hawaii.

Oh, did we.

Lydia, remember
those two sailors?

I wonder if mine remembers me.

Mine will never forget me.

Oh, that music makes me
homesick for the islands.

Sweet Leilani, every flower,
la-di-dah de-dah de-dah.

Sweet Leilani.

La-di-dah de-dah de-dah.

Come on, Lydia.

I'm the one who is supposed
to be getting loaded. Not you.

Yes, and you're doing fine.

Sweet Leilani, heavenly
flower, la-di-dah de-dah de-dah.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

The whole room is going around.

I'll take you outside.
You need some fresh air.

No. All I need is
someplace to lie down.

No, not there.

Irving, give me a hand
with arsenic and old face.

What'll we do with them, boss?

We'll put them in the
office till they sober up.

Yeah, why don't you
put us in the office?

That's a good boy.

I'll drink to that.

Well, with all of these
nice old ladies walk in here

we wind up with a couple of
passed-out drunks on our hands.

You want I should get
them some black coffee?

No.

Then we'd wide up with a couple
of wide-awake drunks on our hands.

Hey, you know what, boss?

For an old lady,
she got nice legs.

Never mind the legs.

Two old dolls like
that getting stoned.

That's terrible.

No, it's wonderful.

Now they wouldn't dare
send in a bad report on us.

You think maybe we should
ought to loosen their clothes?

No, they'll sleep it off.

Come on. Let's go.

It worked.

Yeah.

He said I had nice legs.

I thought he meant mine.

Come on. Let's get going, Rocky.

Come on.

Hurry up.

Rocky.

Boy, they make
good Mai Thai's here.

Would you come on?

Get it open.

I can't see those little tiny
numbers without my glasses.

You've got your glasses on.

Oh, that's a lot better.

Hurry up, would you? Come on.

We're losing time.

Now, please, I need
absolute silence.

Okay.

Rocky, wake up.

Good morning, warden.

- You pushed me.
- I did not.

Boy, those Mai Thai's
ought to be outlawed.

Hey, boss, the safe ain't open.

There's nobody here.

What happened to the old ladies?

I guess they went to
their committee meeting.

Good morning.

We've got a search warrant here.

Open that safe.

I think you'll find
it already open.

Hi.

Officer, what are
you doing here?

Well, your boss told us to check
out that Rocky Barnett story.

Well, it was true.

Here are the diamonds that
belong to the Parker Company.

Well, now how are you
going to explain that Morgan?

Easy.

I bought the diamonds from that
Rocky Barnett like the paper said.

That's a lie.

Why, it's Rocky.

Who were you expecting?

Take your hands
off me, young man.

Morgan there is
the safe cr*cker.

See, here's his
burglar tools right here,

and this is his
stethoscope he used.

Yeah, and look, this
fits on the end of it.

See that?

See that? It matches.

Now, does this clear Rocky
and our employment agency?

I guess so.

All right.

All right, Morgan.

You're going with us.

Hey, what about the little guy?

He had nothing to do with
it. He's just my bartender.

Yeah. I just work here.

This guy on the level?

I hope so. He said
I have nice legs.

Wait a minute.

Say, Doc, I'm sorry that I
had to put the finger on you,

but I hope this will lead
you to a new start in life.

I hope that you will become
like me, a responsible,

law-abiding, upstanding citizen.

Morgan, Morgan, when you get
out of prison and want to go straight,

you just come up and see
me at our employment agency.

Are you kidding?

With you on the outside,
when my time is up,

I'm going to reenlist.

Hey, want a Mai Thai?