01x16 - Lucy Goes on Strike

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz and Desi Arnaz, Jr.

Good morning.

Upsy daisy. Upsy daisy.

Here we go.

Down we go.

There we are.

If this cigar explodes
in my face you're fired.

Oh, I wouldn't do that.

Well there must be some explanation
for this display of nauseated kindness.

What do you want?

Now, do you really think I went
to all this trouble and spent $4.80

just because I want something?

Yes.

Oh, Harry.

Oh, that's $4.90.

I forgot about the donut.

All right, Lucille.

You have hooked your
fish, now reel him in.

What is it that you want?

Well, it's nothing really.

It's just a teensy-weensy
little $10.00 raise.

As for this pillow, I
suggest you hold on to it.

It may cushion the shock of knowing
that I have no intention of giving you

a $10.00 raise nor even a
teensy-weensy $1.00 raise.

That's not fair.

All I-

That's not fair.

I'm still getting the same salary I got
when I started here three years ago.

I deserve a raise.

Based on what you deserve,

you are overpaid every time
I validate your parking ticket.

Now, if you will excuse me, I
have an appointment with a client.

Snack time.

Oh, it's you.

Oh, hello, Mr. Carter.

I just stopped by to
see Lucy a minute.

Care for a Tollhouse cookie?

Not really.

And I'll thank you to keep
the crumbs off my desk.

As for you, I expect that Phillips
report to be finished when I get back.

There he goes, Gentle Ben.

You didn't get
your raise, did you?

Nope.

Did you butter him
up the way I told you?

Oh, boy, did I.

I'm out $4.90 worth of butter.

Then you're going to
have to go on strike.

- Go on strike?
- Yeah.

You mean a real strike?

A real strike with
marching, picket signs.

If you want that raise you're
going to have to fight for it.

Now, I'll back you up.

I guarantee every other secretary
on this floor will back you up.

If you want anything
in this life, Lucille,

you've got to fight for it.

You're right. You're right.

All he does is yell and scream
and criticize everything I do.

Well, from now on things are
going to be different around here.

Now you're talking.

- You hear that, Mr. Big Shot?
- Yeah.

I'm not just a stick of
furniture around here.

I've got feelings
like everybody else.

And if you think I'm going to jump
every time you open your mouth,

well, forget it, fatso.

Really?

Oh, back so soon?

Yes.

I wouldn't have missed
that recital for the world.

I came back for my
umbrella. Where is it?

Oh, I'll get it. You
stay right there, sir.

- Lucy?
- Yeah.

Don't get it.

Fetch my umbrella.

Hold it.

Tell Rover to fetch
his own umbrella.

I have had enough out of you.

You are fired.

Fired? I don't even work here.

Oh.

Well, I'll thank you to get out.

If she goes, I go.

You're quitting?

No. I can't afford to quit.

I'm going on strike.

That's telling him,
Lucy. Let's go.

Wait a minute.

How about that
Phillip's account?

Yeah, how about that?

Ciao, baby.

Oh, Kim, your boyfriend called.

Oh, which one?

The one that looks
like Rosemary's baby.

Mother, Uncle Harry is a fink?

Not Uncle Harry.

Harrison Carter.

What's the difference? They're
both the same, aren't they?

No, they're not.

Uncle Harry is your uncle,
but Harrison Carter is my boss.

And he's a fink.

Why is he a fink?

Because he won't give me a
measly $10.00 raise. That's why.

Look at all this stuff.

"Even the birds have a word for
Harrison Carter: cheap, cheap, cheap."

Oh no.

Look at this one.

"If Harrison Carter was kind and
loyal he'd give a raise to a working goil."

"Goil?"

Listen whose side
are you two on?

Mom, what are you going
to do with all these signs?

I'm going to hand them out to all
the other secretaries in my building,

and they're going
to help me picket.

Picket?

Yes.

Oh, boy. That ought
to be some freak-out.

Down with Harrison Carter.

Harrison Carter's a
sl*ve-driving monster.

Harrison Carter's a
tool of the establishment.

Hey, that's a good one. I'm
going to write that one down.

[All chanting] Harrison
Carter is a fink.

Harrison Carter is a fink.
Harrison Carter is a fink...

[All chanting] Harrison
Carter is a fink.

Harrison Carter is a fink.
Harrison Carter is a fink...

All right.

Hold it.

Lucille, I will give you
exactly three seconds

to get rid of this female
branch of the mafia.

You can't scare me.
We have a right to picket.

If you try to stop us we'll
have you declared irrelevant,

incompetent and in our way.

Oh, you will?

Hey, mister.

Hey, you want to picket
with the girls? Keep moving.

Picket with them?

I want to stop this nonsense.

Look, as long as they picket
peacefully nobody can stop them.

Well, I can.

Do you know who I am?

No, who are you?

I am Harrison Carter.

Oh, yeah.

The fink.

You see? Everybody
knows you're a fink.

Okay. Let's keep moving here.

Keep it moving.

[All chanting] Harrison
Carter is a fink.

Harrison Carter is a fink.
Harrison Carter is a fink...

All right. All right. All right.

I demand that you
stop this nonsense.

Stop interfering with
the pickets, fatso.

There's no need
for name-calling.

- He's right, Isabel.
- Yeah.

You shouldn't have
called the fink fatso.

Now, let's just ignore
fatso and continue picketing.

Harrison Carter is a fink.

Wait! All right.

All right.

I give up.

Oh, you mean you're ready
to discuss my demands?

I'm ready to negotiate.

All right. Okay.

Now, the first thing I want -

Look, we are not going
to negotiate on the street.

We will discuss it in my office.

- Come along.
- Okay.

Thanks, girls. You
can stop picketing now.

Oh, but save the signs.

I don't trust the fink.

All right. Shall we begin?

Just as soon as you get
rid of that ridiculous drum.

Oh, alrighty.

Hang on to it for me.

Let's go.

Now, sir, before we get to my
demands, I'd like to discuss my grievances.

What grievances?

Well, just a few little things.

Like, for instance, when you
give dictation you talk too fast.

Lucille, for your
information, any competent

secretary is capable of
taking 90 words a minute.

On a good day, if I am lucky,
you hit as many as seven.

Next?

Well, when I type you're
always looking over my shoulder.

As your employer I have a
right to look over your shoulder.

Yeah, but when I make
a mistake you don't have

to stick your head out
the window and yell,

"She did it again.
She did it again."

All right. All right.

Let's cut this short and get
to the nitty-gritty, shall we?

Now, as I understand it,
you want a $5.00 raise.

No, $10.00.

And let's not forget
the fringe benefits.

Fringe benefits?

These.

What's that, the
Dead Sea Scrolls?

These are my fringe benefits.

Now, first we come to
the accident benefits.

Oh, fiddle-faddle.

Well, now, I could have
an accident, you know.

Oh, promises, promises.

Oh, yeah.

Suppose I fall of the ladder.

I want $50.00 a week.

Make it a cliff and
I'll give you $100.00.

Watch it, Harry.

Now, here's something
that's very important.

No automation.

I beg your pardon?

No automation.

That means you cannot
replace me with a computer.

With a computer?

You could be replaced
with an egg beater.

Now is there anything else?

Yes.

A month's vacation
with pay in sunny Hawaii.

You will settle for three days
in glamorous Pismo Beach.

- Honestly, I've never heard of such
of ridiculous demands.
- Harry, listen to me.

- Harrison, how are you?
- Oh, hello. Hello, Tim.

- Come in.
- I hope I'm not interrupting.

No, no. Not at all. Not at all.

This is Miss Ding-a-ling.

Lucille Carter, this is Ted
Crystal, my insurance broker.

How do you do, Mrs. Carter?

How do you do, sir.

Now, if you'll excuse us, we
have some business to discuss.

But what about my raise?
We haven't come to a decision.

I have.

Out.

- Harry.
- Out.

You'll be sorry.

You can't run this agency
without a secretary, you know.

I've been doing it for
three years, haven't I?

Out, out, out, out, out.

Stormy bargaining session, eh?

Stormy, maybe.

A bargain, no.

Now then did you bring those-?

Oh, yes. I've got
them right here.

Good, good.

You know, this is a find thing
you're doing for those kids, Harrison.

You are a wonderful man.

I know.

Anyway, what are uncles for?

And besides, I'd like to do
something to bolster my image,

which is sagging right now.

- Oh?
- Yeah.

So I have decided to take out
another policy on my sister-in-law.

Fine.

That way, should
anything happen to her,

I'd be in a much better position to
provide for Kim and Craig, you see.

And say, you'd
better jot this down.

- Oh, yes. Of course.
- Yeah.

Let's see now.

I authorize you to
draw up a $100,000.00

life insurance policy with double
indemnity on Lucille Carter's life

with myself as sole beneficiary.

Have you got that?

Every word.

Good, good. That's fine.

You know, on second thought, you'd
better make the kids the beneficiaries.

All right. You can
be the executor.

Good. That's fine.

When would you
like these drawn up?

Oh, doesn't matter.

A week or so.
Makes no difference.

Oh, by the way, Harrison,
this being the end of the month,

if we could get these policies signed by
midnight tonight you could save $50.00.

That makes a difference.

Save $50.00, eh?

Well, Harrison, the ballet is
opening at the Philharmonic tonight.

Would you care to join me?

The ballet.

Well, I was going to see the
Dodger's baseball game tonight,

but those ballet dancers do
have those cute little tutus.

Count me in.

Good, good.

Oh, say, maybe Kim and Craig would
like to use my seats to the ball game.

- I'll find out.
- Oh, I almost forgot something
very important.

I'll have to have their birth certificates
in order to write up these policies.

Well, that's no problem.

We'll stop by Lucy's house and
pick them up on the way to the ballet.

Fine, fine. Pick you
up at 8:00, Harrison.

Good.

Well, it's true.

Oh, Lucy, that's
an incredible story.

I just can't believe it.

Isabel, I tell you I heard
it with my own eyes.

What?

I mean, I saw it
with my own ears.

He's out to get me.

Oh, Lucy, come on.

He is. He is.

I know he is.

Well, I just can't
believe that Harry would

have me rubbed out for
a measly $200,000.00.

I thought you said $100,000.00.

Double indemnity.

That means I get k*lled twice.

Oh.

Isabel, you've just got
to stay with me tonight.

I don't want to be here alone.

Lucy, I can't stay
with you tonight.

I told you, I promised my
sister I'd babysit for her.

Oh, Isabel.

Come on, Craig.

Besides, you won't be alone.

Kim and Craig are here.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Oh, am I glad to see you two.

You saw us this morning.

Yeah, but it's been
a long, long day.

Isn't anything wrong, Mom?

Wrong?

Who said there's anything wrong?

Okay. See you later.

Are you going out?

Yeah. We're going
to the Dodger game.

Yeah. Uncle Harry said
we could use his tickets.

Uncle Harry said you
could use his tickets?

Yeah.

Well, why don't you stay home?

Oh, Mom, things are
so dead around here.

Did you have to say dead?

We'll only be gone
a couple of hours.

Look, why don't you just
watch the game on television.

It's not on television, Mom.

Oh, well then watch it on radio.

Oh, Mom.

We'll see you after the game.

Take care.

Oh, goodbye, my babies.

Goodbye.

Lucy, pull yourself together.

Isabel, he's a fiend,
a diabolical monster.

Do you see how he
arranged to get the kids

out of the house so
that I'd be here alone?

Oh, Lucy. You're
just imagining things.

Look, I've got to go.

- I'm not imagining.
- Nothing's going to happen to you.

Nothing's going to happen.

Oh, but Lucy, if anything does
happen can I have your alligator bag?

Alligator bag?

Well, you can't
take it with you.

Oh.

I'm all alone.

I don't want to be alone.
I don't want to be alone.

He's gonna k*ll me.

He's coming over
here to k*ll me.

And for what, a
measly $200,000.00.

[door bell ringing] Ah!

Anybody home?

Is anybody home?

Lucille?

What is going on in here?

Stay right where you are.

I know your game.

You and Harry came here to knock
me off for the insurance money.

What?

You must be out of your mind.

I am not.

Listen, for your information,
every cent of that insurance

money is going to be put
in trust for your children.

Oh, yeah?

Then why did he come
sneaking in here tonight?

He wanted the
children's birth certificates.

What for? He knows
they were born.

He needed the
certificates tonight.

He was trying to
do something nice.

And he can't take
any of that money.

It all goes to the
children's education.

Are you telling me the truth?

Absolutely. I drew
up the policies.

Oh, oh, Uncle Harry.

Oh, Uncle Harry, I'm sorry.

Forgive me. Please, forgive me.

I misjudged you, Harry.

Oh, sit down.

Oh, please.

I'm so sorry.

If you forgive me I'll
never bother you again.

I promise.

I'll turn over a new leaf.

And I promise to
come to work on time.

And after I get to the office
I promise I won't goof off

if you'll just forgive me.
Please, please, forgive me.

Oh, all right, Lucille.
I'll forgive you.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

And while you're at it you might
promise me something else.

Anything, anything.

Will you promise to forget all that
foolish nonsense about a raise?

No raise?

No raise.

[Chanting] Harrison
Carter is a fink.

Harrison Carter is a fink.
Harrison Carter is a fink...