01x17 - Lucy and Carol Burnett

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz and Desi Arnaz, Jr.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir, well, I'm trying to
reach Carol Burnett's secretary.

Well, this is Mrs. Carter again.

Yes, well, would you please
have her call me when she gets in?

Thank you.

She's still out to lunch.

Come on. Let's get
on with that rehearsal.

Okay.

Mom, listen.

Yeah?

You're not doing it very well.

I'm not?

No.

This time try to put
more feeling into it.

All right.

Okay.

Go ahead.

I feel so sorry for
those students.

I wish there was some way we
could help them get a new gymnasium.

Hold it, hold it.

Mom, that was awful.

You're not getting it at all.

When you say I feel so sorry
for those students, look sorry.

Sound sorry.

Be sorry.

You keep picking on me you're
the one that's going to be sorry.

Mom, now come on.

He's only trying to
get you to do it right.

Yeah. Listen, Kim and I went way out
on a limb to get you this part in our play.

Yeah.

All right.

All right. I'll try it again.

Okay.

Go ahead.

I feel so sorry for
those students.

I wish there was some way we
could help them get a new gymnasium.

What's going on?

Mother's rehearsing for a
part in our high school play.

And what would you be
doing in a high school play?

I am playing the part
of a school teacher.

Well, rehearse somewhere else.

This is a business
office, not a drama school.

Yeah, but Uncle Harry,
mom's got to learn her part.

Well, she can rehearse at home.

Oh, she does.

But Mom needs all the
rehearsing she can get.

Uncle Harry, this play
is very important to us.

Yeah. Our school is trying to
raise money for a gymnasium.

I see. Mm-hmm.

Uncle Harry, how
would you like to be in it?

Me? Appear in a
high school play?

Yeah.

We need someone like
you to play the Principal.

Yeah. Someone with dignity,
authority and intelligence.

Oh, that is a good
description of me.

Well, all right.

Oh, good.

Oh, maybe that's our call?

Hello?

Yes?

Oh, yes. Yes.

Put her on, please.

They're getting Carol
Burnett's secretary.

Carol Burnett?

Yes. We're trying to get her to
play the other school teacher.

Yes?

Yes, this is Mrs. Carter.

Yeah, we were calling
to see if we might be able

to talk to Miss Burnett
before her show tonight.

Oh.

Oh, I see.

Well, how about after the show?

Oh.

Well, how about sometime
maybe this weekend?

Oh.

All right.

Thank you very much.

No luck, huh?

No. She won't have any time before
the show because she'll be arriving from

the airport just
in time to go on.

After the show she has to leave
for San Diego to do a benefit.

Oh, dear.

Looks like we're going to have
to do the show with just Mom.

Then we're never
gonna sell any tickets.

Trying to get Carol Burnett
for a high school play.

That's ridiculous.

Hey, hey, wait a minute.

What?

Look, if she can't see
us before the show,

and she can't see us after the
show, then there's just one thing to do.

What's that?

See her during her show.

During her show?

Yeah, yeah.

Come on, let's get going.

- Now?
- Yeah, her show goes on in a few minutes.

We're going over now to see her?

Yeah. Come on. Hurry up.

[[Inaudible chatter]

[Announcer]
Here's Carol Burnett.

As you know, as you all know,
we start off our show with a little

informal question-and-answer
session with the audience.

And tonight we have a very
exciting show lined up for you,

so please have
your questions ready.

- I'm ready. I'm ready.
- Yes, ma'am.

Miss Burnett, were
you born in Texas?

Why, yes, I was.

What part?

All of me.

No. Actually I was
born in San Antonio.

Miss Burnett, how far
did you go in school?

Just as far as the
boys would let me.

After high school I got
my degree at UCLA.

Are there any other questions?

- Yes?
- Yes.

Did you ever attend one of those schools
that teaches you how to act and sing?

No, I never did attend
a professional school.

Why, does it show?

Yes, ma'am?

If you didn't attend a
professional school,

where did you get
your early training?

Well, actually I think mostly
in amateur productions.

I always loved appearing
in my high school plays.

Don't tell me you
ever saw me in one.

- No.
- Yes, ma'am.

Would you mind telling
us your exact age?

You want to know my exact age?

Yes.

All right. I'm exactly two
years older than my kid sister.

Yes, sir?

Yes, I have a
question, Miss Burnett.

When were you born?

On my birthday.

Next question?

Yes.

Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am, I was
pointing to the lady behind you.

Are you gonna make
any more movies?

I beg your pardon?

She wants to know if you're
going to make any more movies.

Oh, that's funny
you should ask that.

You know, just this morning
that very question came up.

I called all the
studios and I asked,

"Am I going to make
any more movies?"

Thank you very much.

- Pardon me?
- She said thank you very much.

Tell her you're welcome.

You're welcome.

Oh, they're signaling me.

We have time for just
one more question.

Yes, ma'am?

Yes, you.

I came to see you
about a high school play.

Oh, what high school
do you go to, dear?

Not me. My children.

Oh, my.

What about your play?

Well, we'd like you to be in it.

- Me?
- Yes. We're trying to raise money
to build a gymnasium,

and we figured if
we got a big star like

you we'd be able to
sell a lot more tickets.

Well, how come
you decided on me?

Well, because we know
you're too nice to turn us down.

Right, folks?

It's not a matter of
turning you down.

I'd feel very silly up there on stage
with all those young high school kids.

Oh, well, you won't be
the only adult in the play.

Yeah, you'll get to
work with our mother.

Yes.

Oh.

We'd work well
together, Miss Burnett.

I never went to a
professional school either.

Well, I'm sure that
would be peachy,

but you know, with
my schedule I...

Wouldn't it be wonderful if a big
star like Miss Burnett did the play?

It would help us sell
a lot more tickets.

I guess maybe I'd better say yes if
I want to get on with my own show.

You go right ahead
with your show.

We won't bother you anymore.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

You go ahead with your show.

Change your dress and get ready.

Fix your hair a little.

As principal -

And faculty, we are
here to welcome you.

And now we'd like to
introduce our student body, too.

[singing] We now stand
before you looking like a sorry lot

because a gymnasium is
the thing that we ain't got.

Ain't got?

Have not.

When you have
not, you ain't got.

Right.

And what ain't we got?

We got no gym.

And that's what this
show is all about.

The one thing this
school is now without.

Oh, yes, we have no gymnasium,
we have no gymnasium today.

We have lab rooms and test
rooms, and classrooms and restrooms

but no room where we can play.

We have a big new commissary
and a great big library.

But yes, we have no gymnasium,
we have no gymnasium today.

I feel so sorry for
those students.

I wish there was some way we
could help them get a gymnasium.

Well, maybe we could raise
the money by moonlighting.

You mean get a job at night?

Yes.

I'm sick of this
same old dull grind,

day in, day out.

Well, me too but what
could we do at night?

We could teach night school.

Oh, now, there must be
something more exciting than that.

Listen, I know
what I'd like to do.

I'd like to sing and dance.

In night school?

No. In show business.

That's where the big money is.

Oh, yes, but what will the faculty
think of us being in show business?

Well, they won't have to know.

We'll go out of town.

You mean get the
show on the road?

Yes. Let's get the
show on the road.

Come on.

[together] When we
got our degrees to teach,

we thought our
future was complete.

But now the intellectuals
say our ways are obsolete.

The way they teach in schools
today the art of reading is passé.

The pupils now are
taught on closed TV.

Schools employ electronic fixtures
to instruct with visual pictures,

for the students just
remember what they see.

Since these new methods
boast of greatness,

we'll retool for up-to-dateness and
present a visual lesson in geography.

[singing] Come on along and
listen to the lullaby of Broadway.

The hip hurray and ballyhoo,
the lullaby of Broadway.

The band begins to go to
town, and everyone goes crazy.

You rock-a-bye your baby
round till everything gets hazy.

When a Broadway baby says
goodnight, it's early in the morning.

Manhattan babies don't
sleep tight until the dawn.

Goodnight, baby.

Sleep tight.

Let's call it a day, hey.

Listen to the lullaby
of old Broadway.

You come a long
way from St. Louis.

You climbed the
ladder of success.

I've seen the Town and
Country cars that were

parked out in front
of your fancy address.

You blew in from
the Middle West and

certain impressed the
population hereabouts.

Well, baby, I've got news
for you, I'm from Missouri, too.

So naturally I've got my doubts.

You've gotta fall in by the wayside
and even I ain't gonna know.

You came a long way from St. Louis
but, baby, you still got a long way to go.

A long way to go.

Mention my name in Sheboygan.

It's the greatest little
town in the world.

Just tell them you're
an old friend of mine,

and every door in town
will have a big welcome sign.

Oh, mention my name in
Sheboygan, and if you ever get in a jam,

just mention my name,
I said mention my name,

but please don't
tell them where I am.

Shh.

Mention my name in New Orleans.

It's the greatest little
town in the world.

Riverboat gamblers
caused me to leave.

They found all the aces
one night in my sleeves.

So mention my name in New
Orleans, and if you ever get in a mess,

just mention my name,
I said mention my name,

but please don't give
them my address.

Mention our name down in Texas.

It's the greatest little
town in the world.

We struck some oil
and we're doing real fine.

Still, they found we drilled
into some other guy's line.

Oh, mention our name down in Texas,
and if you run into a man with a star,

just mention our name,
I said mention our name,

but please don't tell him
where, don't you tell him where,

please don't tell
him where we are.

Rah, rah, siss-boom-bah.

Yay!

[singing] You've got to be a football
hero to get along with the beautiful girls.

You've gotta be a
touchdown getter, you bet,

if you want to
get a baby to pet.

The fact that you are rich or
handsome won't get you anything in curls.

Oh, yeah, you've gotta be a football
hero to get along with the beautiful girls.

I've got a halfback
at Pennsylvania.

I've got a quarterback
at Yale as well.

I correspond with an end at
Centre and a center at Cornell.

I wear the pin of a
guard at Harvard.

A Stanford tackle
has me in a whirl.

I've got a sweetheart
at every college.

I'm just an all American girl.

Maine, Wisconsin, Indiana,
Illinois and Alabama,

North Dakota, South Dakota,
Duke and Georgia Tech,

Michigan and Tennessee and
good old Washington and Lee,

and Minnesota, Minnesota,
soon I'll be a wreck.

Lovers you can see
she has no lack of them.

Wonder is just how I
can keep track of them.

She's just an all
American, all American girl.

Fit as a fiddle
and rarin' to go.

We're in the pink
and feel all aglow.

Got lots of pep and
it's starting to show.

Hurray for physical fitness.

Hurray for our new gym.

Our muscles will bear witness that
we're feeling vigorous and looking trim.

Fit as a fiddle,

fit as a fiddle,

fit as a fiddle
and rarin' to go.