01x20 - Lucy, the Shopping Expert

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz and Desi Arnaz, Jr.

Hi.

- Let me help you.
- Oh, thanks.

Oh, it's a good thing
you went to the store.

Boy, that brother of yours
ate everything in the house.

Yeah. Well, I got everything
we need for dinner.

Good.

Frozen pizza,

frozen pizza, frozen pizza
and more frozen pizza.

Chicken chow mein,

sukiyaki,

borscht.

Mom, I just got some of
the things that you never get.

Oh, you can say that again.

Well, I'm sorry, mom.

Oh, now, you don't
have to be sorry, dear.

When I was your age I
bought useless things, too.

I just have to teach
you how to shop.

Gefilte fish?

Mr. Goldapper
said it was delicious.

Oh, well, okay.

All right, dear.

Put these in the refrigerator.

- Say, mom?
- Yeah, dear?

Can I have an advance
on my allowance?

How much?

Hundred dollars.

- A hundred dollars?
- Yeah.

That's your allowance
for the next two years.

But mom it's very important.

Oh?

I want to buy a surfboard.

- A surfboard?
- Yeah.

Well, I'm sorry. We cannot
spend $100.00 on luxuries.

Mom, a surfboard's not
a luxury. It's a necessity.

A surfboard is a necessity?

Well, it is if you
want to go surfing.

Look, I'm sorry, son.

- But mom.
- Now, just forget it, Craig.

I'm not giving you
$100.00, and that's that.

For heaven sakes.

- Kim, you start the dinner, dear.
- Hmm?

I'm gonna have to freshen up.

A hundred dollars
for a surfboard.

Are you crazy?

Craig, if it'll help you any I'll lend
you all the money I've saved up.

How much do you have?

Nine dollars and
thirty-three cents.

Oh. Well, thanks, but
I'll have to get a job.

Oh.

Hey, why don't you have
Uncle Harry help you get one?

Hey, that's not a bad idea.
I'll go talk to him tomorrow.

Okay.

But don't tell him what
you want the money for.

He'll try to talk you out of it.

- Oh?
- Yeah.

He'll probably say,

"My boy, when I was your age,
we knew the value of a dollar.

A surfboard is a
waste of money."

Hey, is Uncle Harry
really that tight?

Is he?

Compared to him, Jack Benny
is a regular Diamond Jim Brady.

- There.
- Alrighty.

- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.

Well, this is a
pleasant surprise,

- having lunch with my favorite nephew.
- Thank you, Uncle Harry.

Tell me, Craig, why didn't you want
to our talk here instead of my office?

Well, it's kind of
a personal matter.

It's -It's personal?

Yeah, and I didn't want
mom to hear us talking.

Oh.

I wanted to have a
man-to-man talk with you.

A man-to-man talk.

So you've finally
reached that age, huh?

Well, you've come
to the right man.

I know and I consider you
authority on the subject.

Thank you very much
and I'm not even married.

Well, now, this is
rather a delicate matter,

so I'll try to break it
to you gently, see.

Well, there comes a time in
every boy's life when he -well -

When you reach a
certain age, you see -

Young people are naturally
curious to know where they-

First we have the
birds and the bees,

little boy bees and little girl
bees and little boy birds and

little girl birds.

And then, of course, besides
the birds and the bees,

we have the flowers,

flowers with pollen.

That's very
important, the pollen.

Well, the birds, they fly up
and down and all over the-

They dive down; pick up bits of
twigs and leaves and bits of string.

And they make nests, you see.

That's instinct, you see.

They make nests because
that's the home where they're

going to bring up their
families that they're -

Well, they-

The bees do a
lot of flying, too.

They buzz from flower to buzz
here and buzz all over the place.

Well, you've heard the
expression "The busy bee" you see.

Well, that's what the
bees are busy doing.

They're busy buzzing.

Now, they're gathering honey
and spreading the pollen, you see.

The pollen that I - Now, how
do they spread the pollen?

That's an awfully good question.

I'll try to answer that.

When the lady bees and the gentlemen bees
land on the flower to extract the honey,

they get pollen all
over their feet, you see.

And bees are neat.

No self-respecting bee
wants pollen all of his feet.

And of course they
wouldn't wipe their feet on a

nice little flower they've
just taken honey from,

and so they fly
away from the flower,

and they shake the pollen
off their feet, you see.

Well, on a nice day with
hundreds of bees flying around,

why, the air is
just full of pollen.

It lands on everything, on the
butterflies, on the other bees.

And well, that's
what does it because

in a little while there are hundreds
of butterfly daughters and there are

thousands of sons of bees.

And that's it.

That's what?

The facts of life.

Uncle Harry, I didn't come
here to discuss the facts of life.

You didn't?

No. I've known all about
the facts of life since I was 7.

Good heavens, they teach
that in the second grade?

No, I watched Peyton Place.

And to think I wasted my time
watching Captain Kangaroo.

Craig, just what did you
want to discuss with me?

Well, I want you
to get me a job.

- A job?
- Yeah.

Absolutely not.

No nephew of mine is
going to be a school drop-out.

Well, I'm not going to be a
drop-out. I want a job for after school.

The answer is still no. You
have to study after school.

You must apply yourself
and get a good education

so that you can make
something of yourself in the future.

Now, I'm sorry if you're
disappointed, Craig,

but this something
that I must be firm about.

No job.

Okay, Uncle Harry.

Good.

Then will you lend me $100.00?

What kind of a job
did you have in mind?

Now, young man, this is
the canned goods section.

Your job will be to see that the
shelves are always well stocked

and neatly stacked.

Yes, sir. Stocked and stacked.

[announcement]
Attention, shoppers.

Special sale on
hamburger, $0.39 a pound.

What was that?

Daily specials.

Whenever you hear one of those
announcements just step back and pray.

Yes, sir.

Now then, young man, I
want you to notice this display.

I have the neatest canned
good section in the city.

Oh, well, it does
look very nice, yeah.

Very nice is a understatement.

I don't like to brag, but
for two consecutive years

I have won the Golden Can award.

Congratulations.

And I expect you to maintain
the standards I have set.

Remember, every can in its
place and a place for every can.

Hey, mom, I bet you were surprised when
Uncle Harry gave you the afternoon off.

Not half as surprised as he'll be when
he gets back and finds out I'm gone.

You mean, you didn't tell
him you were taking off?

No, you know the old saying, "The
mice will play when the rat's away."

Don't worry, honey. Uncle Harry
went to San Diego for the afternoon.

What he doesn't
know won't hurt me.

Anyway, honey, this
gives me a good opportunity

to teach you some of the
final points of shopping.

Yeah.

Listen, don't you have any
idea where Craig went today?

No. He just left a note saying
he'd be home in time for dinner.

Yeah. Well, that
you could depend on.

Even if he was an astronaut in
orbit he'd be home in time for dinner.

Let's see. Now we want
corn, peas, asparagus.

- You pick three cans of each.
- Okay.

Nope.

Nope.

You have got to
be more selective.

Now I'm going to
teach you a little lesson.

You see, when the
factories pack these,

occasionally they pack
some more fully than others.

And the way to find
out which cans contains

the most is by shaking
them and listening.

Uh-huh.

Now, this one is fully packed.

Oh, but this one is
very sloshy. Very sloshy.

Both of these are sloshy.

- You're right.
- See that?

Slosh, slosh, slosh.
That's all the do.

These are awful.

You just have to test each
can. You just never know.

This is a goodie.

Here's another full one.

Madam, what are you doing?

I'm just listening.

What do you expect to
hear, Lawrence Welk?

Well, now there's
no need for sarcasm.

I'm just trying to pick the
ones that contain the most.

Madam, I assure you,
you will not be cheated.

Each one of these is guaranteed
to be filled to the brimming top.

Oh, goody.

Now you've ruined
my arrangement.

I'll have to get a boy
to clean up this mess.

Boy. Boy.

If this ever leaks out they'll
take away my Golden Can.

Yes, sir?

Look what some destructive,
dumb dimwit done did.

Clean it up.

Right away, sir.

Craig.

Hi, Kim.

What are you doing here?

Uncle Harry got me a job here.

Oh.

Hey, and listen, I'd better work
fast. The manager's having a fit.

Look what some nut did.

That's no way to talk
about your mother.

- You mean the - - Kim,
what's keeping you?

- Craig.
- Hi, mom.

What are you doing here?
Why are you dressed like that?

I got a job here after school.

- You work here.
- Until I earn the $100.00 I need.

Well, good.

Say, I just met the manager.
I'll put in a good word for you.

Mom, if you don't mind, I'd
rather make good on my own.

It's very commendable,
but every little bit helps.

I'll just tell him
you're my son.

Oh, no, no, mom. If you
want to tell him something,

tell him I'm an orphan.

What?

Well, I mean, I don't want
him to know you're my mother.

I don't want any kind
of special treatment.

Oh, all right, Craig.

You want to stand
on your own two feet.

Okay. I'm very proud of you.

[announcement]
Attention, shoppers.

Special sale on dog
food: 16 cans for $1.00.

- Come on, Kim.
- Where?

Sixteen cans of
dog food for $1.00.

- Mom!
- Is that a buy.

- Mother.
- What?

We don't have a dog.

Well, we'll get one.

Now, Kim, this is where
you have to be most careful

because fruit and vegetables are
not always what they seem to be.

Oh, I know. You have to make sure
everything is fresh, crisp and ripe.

Yeah, and you must be
especially careful with melons.

Now, what do you
think of this one?

It smells good.

Mm-hmm, good.

But there's one final test.

You've got to squeeze
it to see if it's ripe.

Hey lady. Lady.
Please, no squeeze.

I just want to show my daughter
how to test a melon to see if it's ripe.

Everything here, she's a ripe.

If she's not, I no got.

I just want to show her, sir.

Now, Kim, see, you press your
thumbs into both ends like this.

Well, this one is too
ripe. I don't want it.

You make the
dent, that's 39 cents.

I do not buy damaged
merchandise.

You make a the
dent, that's 39 cents.

Hey, hey, hey.
What's going on here?

[speaking Italian]

What did he say?

"You make a the
dent, that's 39 cents."

Well, of all the -I've got a good
mind to take my business elsewhere.

Oh, would you?

No, I will not.

Honestly.

What else do we need, dear?

Strawberries and oranges.

Strawberries.

Right there.

They're $0.50 a basket today.

Well, what you think of these.

Those look great.

Yeah, they look great,
but they're just decoys.

- Decoys?
- Yeah.

It's an old trick.

They put the biggest, most
beautiful and the most luscious on top.

But underneath things can be as
rotten as the Harper Valley PTA.

But there's one way
to outsmart them.

See, you've got to get the
bottom strawberries on top.

And you do that by just
giving this a little flipsy.

Lady, lady. [speaking Italian]

I know, I know, I drop on
the floor that's $0.50 more.

They look like good
ones anyway, don't they?

Yeah.

Good. Get them all now, dear.

- What else is on the list?
- Oranges.

- All right, you pick 'em, honey.
- Okay.

Here, dear, here is the sack.

Thank you.

Nope, nope, nope.

Why not, mom? The best-looking
oranges seem to be right here on the top.

Yeah, that's how they fool you.

Oranges are just the
opposite of strawberries.

They put the ones that
look good on the top,

but the ones that taste
the best are on the bottom.

Now, I'll show you
how to pick them.

That's a good one.

Okay. See how much
we have there, dear.

A little over five pounds.

Well, all we need is five.

You work a for the mafia?

I think it's down here, dear.

Yeah, right here.

Now, Kim, not only must you be sure
that the eggs are large and Grade A,

but you just have to make sure
that none of them are cracked.

Now, you hold it up to
the light like this, see,

and you just
check it all around.

Madam, that's an egg,
not the Hope diamond.

Will you either buy it
or put it back in the box?

I would like to exam
it before I buy it.

Well, please, buy
it before hatches.

That man, really.

- Let's get the whipped cream, dear.
- Okay.

- You pick it.
- Alrighty.

- No, dear.
- No?

You must always
taste before you buy.

Mom, isn't that unfair to the lady
who buys the can you've tasted?

How about the can I
buy that she's tasted?

Don't worry, honey.
It all evens out.

Now, we're just going to dab a
bit on the finger and see how it is.

Mm. That's good.
It's nice and creamy.

Yeah, it's creamy enough, but it
doesn't seem to have enough body.

Let's try another brand.

Oh, mother!

Shut it off.

I can't shut it off.

- Mom, put your hand over it or something.
- I am.

- Come on. Let's get out of here.
- Mom, we can't.

Somebody might slip and hurt
themselves. We've got to call the manager.

What, and get charged again for
something we're not buying? Come on.

Oh, it's you again, the
redheaded dragon lady.

Boy, clean up. Boy.

- Yes, sir.
- Clean up this mess.

- Mom.
- Hi, honey.

She is your mother?

Yes, sir, but you're not
gonna fire me, are you?

Oh no. You've got
enough trouble already.

Craig, it was an
accident. Honest.

Yeah. It could have happened to
anybody, honey. We were just testing.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Uh-oh. Hide.

Oh, hello, Craig.

Uncle Harry.

What happened here?

- Oh, nothing. Just a little accident.
- Oh, I see.

What are you doing here?

Well, I just got back from San
Diego and thought I'd drop by,

see how you're getting along.

Oh, fine, fine.

That's good. Good.

Oh, by the way, I called the office a
little while ago. There wasn't any answer.

Do you know where
your mother is?

- My mother?
- Mm-hmm.

Let me show you around the
store, Uncle Harry, it's really great.

I've seen the store.
Where is she?

Who?

Your mother?

- Oh, her.
- Yes, yes.

If you'd just tell me
where I could find her, see.

- I'd like to talk to her.
- Oh.

Never mind.

I should have known. Just
look for any disaster area.

Peek-a-boo.

Why aren't you in the office?

Uncle Harry, it's all my fault.

- I wanted mother to go shopping with me.
- Oh, well.

Yes. I thought I'd prepare a nice
home-cooked meal for you, Harry,

and with your favorite
dessert, strawberry shortcake.

And I was just testing some whipped
cream and something went wrong.

Yeah. Something always
goes wrong when you're around.

Well, now, it wasn't my fault, Harry.
I just took a can of this stuff and I -

What is this?

Tell me, young man.

Never mind. I know.

Is this man your father
or your grandfather?

I'm his uncle.

How did you know
he was in my family?

It figured.

Sir, this wouldn't have happened if
your merchandise wasn't defective.

- Who are you?
- She's my sister.

She's my daughter.

She's my niece.

Good heavens, I'm surrounded.

Mr. Sherwood, listen,
I'm sorry about all of this,

and I'll clean up everything,
and I'll pay for both of those cans.

And you can deduct it out
of my first week's salary.

I certainly will.

- Oh, you are a walking
- - Oh, now, Harry, I -

Excuse me.

- Excuse me, please!
- What?

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

I'm Mr. Garfield of the Nippy
Whippy Whipped Cream Company.

I understand some of our cans
have just been spouting away.

You're darn right they have.

Yes. May I ask who
bought these cans?

I did. I bought both the cans.

Well, congratulations,
young man.

This is a publicity stunt, and for
each lucky can you get $50.00.

- Fifty dollars?
- Yes.

I can get my surfboard.

Thank you.

Well, well, you're
welcome. You're welcome.

Now, who has
the third lucky can?

[all together] The
third lucky can?

Oops.

Guess I let the
cat out of the bag,

but there's a lucky can
in there somewhere.