01x21 - Lucy Gets Her Man

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz and Desi Arnaz, Jr.

- Oh, hi, Isabel.
- Hi.

And thanks a million
for covering for me.

Don't mention it. You'd
do the same for me.

Oh, you bet I would. Did
my boss call or anything?

No, you're safe. I haven't seen
hide nor hair of Jack the Ripper.

Well, I'm all ready for another
day behind the Iron Curtain.

Okay. I'll see you later.

Thanks again.

Don't mention it.

Oh my-sorry.

I can go to the left
of you, I can go to the

right of you, but I
cannot go through you.

Sorry, sir. Oh, oh.

What was St. Vitas doing here?

Well, she needed some help.

And she came to get it from you?

Oh, she does need help.

Any messages for me?

No, sir. Not a thing.

Good. Good. Because Buzzy Brock is in town
and I want to spend some time with him.

Who?

Buzzy Brock, an old
Army buddy of mine.

I never heard you mention him.

Oh, what a man.

Yeah. I was there when he
went down with his Huxley.

I don't recall a plane
called a Huxley.

Huxley is the name of a desk.

A desk?

Yeah. Buzzy was sitting
on his when it collapsed.

He was the only man ever to get a
Purple Heart without leaving the Pentagon.

Didn't you ever see
any action in the w*r?

Action? You never met any
of those Pentagon secretaries.

I'll tell you action.

Speaking of
secretaries in action.

Yeah? Yeah, what?

I'd like to see a little
action out of you.

Ten hut!

Colonel.

Major.

At ease.

Buzzy!

Foamy!

Oh, good to see you.

Oh, it's good to
see you too, Foamy.

Yes, sir, outside of
getting a little bald

and fat and wrinkly you
haven't changed a bit.

Well, if you didn't outrank me I could
say the same thing about you, you know.

I bet you could. Yes. Oh, I see you
still have an eye for pretty secretaries.

I see you still have weak eyes.

Oh, Buzzy Brock, Mrs. Carter.

Mrs. Carter, your wife?

Oh, now that was
not a kind thing to say.

No, that's my sister-in-law.

Well, how do you do, Mr. Carter.

How do you, Mr. Brock. Did
I hear you call him Foamy?

Oh, wore out 12 foam rubber cushions.
Fastest swivel chair in the outfit.

That’s very funny Buzzy.

Buzzy, come on. Sit
down. Sit down, Buzzy.

There you go. Sit down.
Make yourself comfortable.

Thank you.

Tell me, Buzzy, are you
still with the government?

Oh, yes. Mm-hmm. As a matter of
fact that's why I came in to see you.

I thought maybe
you could help me.

Oh?

Now, you realize, of course,
that when you're working in

counterintelligence everything
must be strictly hush-hush.

Oh, of course. Of
course. I understand that.

We received an anonymous
phone call yesterday morning

accusing somebody of espionage.

Now, naturally we have
to check these things out.

Naturally. Naturally.

Now, the suspect is registered
at the Crescent Palms Hotel

under the name
of Arthur Vermillion.

Mm-hmm, yeah.

Now, this Vermillion has
asked the hotel to supply him

with a public stenographer
tomorrow morning at ten o'clock.

But instead of using the hotel stenographer
I want you to get us a girl we can trust.

Sir, how about me?
I'm a good secretary.

You?

Yes, yes. I'd love to do
something for counterintelligence.

Just tell me what to
do, tell me where to go.

Oh, boy, would
I like to tell you...

Oh, Harry.

Wait a minute, Foamy. She
may be just who we're looking for.

What in the world
are you looking for?

Carter, I've always been a
pretty good judge of character.

Look, I have to hire
her, but you, you don't.

Oh, stop worrying. She
may be just what we need.

How could you possibly need her?

Well, in the first place we could certainly
trust good ol' Foamy's sister-in-law.

- Now then, Mrs. Carter.
- Yes, sir?

If this Vermillion should really
turn out to be a foreign agent,

he won't let you keep
your shorthand notes.

Oh.

So your report to me will have to
depend entirely on your memory.

Well, I have a wonderful memory.

Oh.

Believe me; I'll remember
every word that Mr. Vermin says.

The man's name is Vermillion.

Oh, well, now really I do have a
good memory. I'm just a little nervous.

You make me nervous, Harry.

Don't be nervous, Mrs. Carter.

I like you, and I play my
hunches. You've got the job.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.
You won't regret this, Mr. Crock.

It isn't Crock. It's Brock.

- Hello, mother.
- Hi, mom.

Hi, kids.

Did Jerry call?

Hey, I hope there's plenty
of chicken left in the fridge.

No, Jerry didn't call. Yes,
there's plenty of chicken.

Hi, mother. Hi, mom.
Hi, kids. Did Jerry call?

I hope there's plenty of
chicken left in the fridge.

No, Jerry didn't call. Yes,
there's plenty of chicken.

What are you doing, mom,
studying to be an echo?

No, I'm sharpening my memory.

Oh, well, I hope you're
good on birthdays.

Mine's the 17th of next
month, and I'd like a new formal.

This is no time for commercials.
Hey, maybe you can help me.

Dictate a letter to
me, Craig, any letter,

and I'll see if I can
repeat it back to you.

Oh, okay.

Dear Santa Claus, for Christmas
I would like an electric train,

a new sled and a blonde
about this high with a fantastic-

Never mind.

Now, you're a few
Christmas's away from that.

Mother, what's all
this memory stuff?

Well, I'm working on
a special assignment.

Oh, what kind of special
assignment this time?

It is very confidential. I
can't tell you, so don't ask me.

- Okay.
- If you say so, mother.

Because I'm pledged to secrecy.

We understand.

It's okay.

You understand I'd
like to tell you but I can't.

A secret's a secret.

Of course.

You two sure now how to
wheedle things out of me.

All right. Now, look, you've
gotta keep this to yourselves.

I can going to do some
undercover work for the government.

You're putting us on.

Honest, mother?

Honest. A friend of Uncle
Harry's is in counterintelligence,

and he has arranged
for me to take dictation

from a spy named Vermillion in
his hotel room tomorrow morning.

Sensational.

Groovy.

But mom, remember this, no matter what,
don't eat or drink anything he offers you?

Why not?

Well, last week on Spy Mission, this
guy took one sip of orange juice and pow.

What happened?

He won't be back next week.

Oh, well, that was
just a television show.

Well, every show
they do is documented.

- It is?
- Yep.

Hey, yeah, remember
to use your own pen.

My own pen? Why?

Didn't you see Counteragent?

No.

Well, they gave this girl a pen,
and when she started to use it

poison fumes
started to come out.

I guess she won't be
back next week either.

And the week before that this
counterspy sat in an overstuffed chair

and from the back of
the chair came the knife.

Oh. All right.
All right. All right.

Thanks a lot, both of you,
for enumerating all the colorful

ways in which your poor old
mother can get knocked off.

Well, we were
just trying to help.

Look, if you want to
help me, help my memory.

I've got to remember everything
that man Vermillion says.

Wait a minute. I think
I have just the thing.

Don't tell me it's a
b*llet proof shawl.

Nope, my tape recorder.

Hey. Yeah, with that stashed on you
you won't have to remember anything.

How does it work?

Well, this button
you push to start,

this one for reverse,

and this one to play it back.

Oh, hey, this might be great.

I can put it right
in my pocket, huh?

Yeah, and you can hide the
mic in a flower in your hair.

Yeah and why don't you wear a
long wig so we can't see the wire.

Oh, good thinking.

But remember, mom,
keep kind of close to him

because the mic doesn't
have much of a range.

Keep close to
him. Gotcha, chief.

But be careful, mom, if he finds out you're
spying on him you know what could happen.

Yeah. I won't be back next week.

Hi, Uncle Harry.

Hello, my boy.

- Hi, Uncle Harry.
- Kim, dear, how are you?

Fine, thanks. How are you?

Good to see you. Well, kids,
what did you want to see me about?

Well, we're kind of
worried about mother.

I've been worried
about her for years.

No, we mean
about this spy thing.

The spy thing -

I'll bet she has blabbed
that all over town.

Oh, no, no. Now, Uncle Harry,
we're the only one she's told

and that's only because
we wheedled it out of her.

Yeah, and then we got to think that this
Vermillion character could be dangerous.

Mom could get kidnapped.
We might not see her for years.

Do you really think
that's possible?

Uncle Harry, we're serious.
Something could happen to mother.

Oh, come, come, come.

Spies play for keeps, you know.

Couldn't you figure out a way to
keep an eye on her and protect her?

Knowing your mother, he's
the one who needs protecting.

But there is an
element of danger.

Yeah, well, I suppose.

Yeah, and if this spy finds out
that mom's spying on him then what?

Well, that might be a bit of a problem
for her. Oh, that isn't going to happen.

No, no. Excuse me
a minute, will you?

I'm very thirsty. I'm gonna
get myself some soda pop.

Oh, well, Uncle
Harry, I'll get it for you.

No, dear. No, no,
no. What's the use of

being a relative if I
can't mooch for myself?

I'll find it.

As usual we're not
getting through to him.

Yeah. Well, I told you we're going
to have to give him a real con job.

Oh, I'm not very
good at con jobs.

Oh, really? Then how come I wind
up doing the dishes every night?

Because you're a gentleman
and you hate to see a lady work.

Now there's a con
job. Why don't you pull

some of that sneaky
stuff off on Uncle Harry?

Oh, boy, oh, boy. You
know, I had kippers

for breakfast, and
they've had me ever since.

- Uncle Harry?
- Yes, dear.

Suppose they took mother out of the
country. Suppose they brainwashed her.

They don't do
laundry jobs that small.

Well, I suppose the worst thing
that could happen to Craig and me

is that we'd have
to move in with you.

Move - move in with me?

Right. But it might be
groovy having a couple

of teenagers share that
bachelor pad of yours.

It would sure liven things up.

And I've got some great
ideas for psychedelic

walls and flashing lights
and sync to the music.

Sync to the music?

And I'm sure glad that you
dig the in-beat, Uncle Harry,

- because we're practicing all the time.
- Oh?

Yeah, but we'll try not to
disturb you, Uncle Harry.

As a matter of fact, we won't even
practice until after you go to bed.

Shall we play him
one of our lullabies?

Say, that's a good idea.

- You sit down and relax, Uncle Harry.
- Well, now you're very sweet.

Kim, Craig?

Yes?

On second thought, maybe your
mother does need my protection.

As much as I hate the thought of
giving up your coming to live with me,

I will do all I can to keep the
three of you under one roof.

Hello? Hello?

Desk, where is that stenographer
you promised me at 10:00, hmm?

Well, she'd better be.

Come in.

Come in.

Mr. Vermillion, I'm Lucy
Stenographer, the public Carter.

I mean, I'm Lucille
Carter, your stenographer.

Mr. Vermillion?

Boy, you're a big one.

Don't be nervous.

Oh.

You'll do.

Oh.

Now, I insist on speed,
efficiency and accuracy.

Yes, sir.

You will transcribe my
dictation on that typewriter.

You will leave the notes with me.
You will take nothing from this room.

- Yes, sir.
- And most important of all
you will forget everything that I say here.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir, I'm
very good at forgetting.

In fact I can give you
references on that.

Good. Well then, Miss
Carter, we will begin.

Yes, sir.

Sit.

Yes, sir.

You called for a boy, sir.

No. I did not call for a boy, and
if I did you're 50 years too late.

Oh, by the way, sir, here are
your slacks all nicely cleaned.

Those are not mine.

They aren't?

No. I never wear blue.

Oh, oh, a thousand
pardons, sir. No tip necessary.

I wasn't about to give you
one. Get out. Get out. Get out.

Yes.

We will begin.

I'm ready, sir.

This will go to -

This will go to Gregory Schmidt.

Gregory Schmidt.

You don't sit down
when you take dictation?

Well, I do a much
better job standing up, sir.

To Gregory Schmidt, general
delivery, St. Louis, misery.

- Dear Gregory.
- Dear Gregory.

- Dear Gregory.
- Dear Gregory.

Roses are red,
the Danube is blue,

Thanksgiving is
fattening, Christmas is, too.

Oh, excuse me.
I'm terribly sorry.

I hired a stenographer,
not a hiking companion. Sit.

- Hey.
- Yes, sir.

Then there is -

[mumbling]

Sheeps in the meadows,
cows in the corn.

Louder, please. The sheeps
and the cows in the where?

The meadows in the corn - The sheeps
in the meadows, the cows in the corn!

Yeah. That's a
good place for them.

Sheeps. Sheeps. Sheeps in
the meadows. Cows in the corn.

Sheeps in the meadow,
cows in the corn.

Ah-ha.

Sheeps in the meadows,

cows in the corn,

crying in the bedroom
a child has been born.

That's it.

Come here.

That's a switch, the boss
sitting on the secretary's lap.

Never mind your
yokes. I have work to do,

- Yes, I know.
- And I don't have much time.

No, sir.

- Now sit and work!
- Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

This goes to Igor Shavsky.

Yes, sir, Igor Shavsky.

Hotel Scimitar, Istanbul.

Miss you every morning,

waiting for your call,

but last night -no.

Miss you every morning, waiting
for your call, but the last night -no.

Now, miss you every morning,
waiting for your call, but last night -

On the back porch I
missed you most of all.

I'm sorry. I'm terribly
sorry. I got carried away.

I will do the talking.

Yes, sir.

- You will do the listening.
- Yes sir.

- Now sit.
- Yes.

And listen.

Excuse me, I'm the maid.
I've come to change the linen.

You've got to change it now?

Yeah. Sure, sure. Yeah.

You have a mustache.

Yeah, just like mamma.

I have a feeling there's
something rotten in Denmark.

Well, that could be
but I'm from Sweden.

[tape rewinding]

What was that?

I was just saying
[speaks gibberish].

It’s an exercise I
do for my throat.

[tape rewinding]

[speaks gibberish]
That’s the rest if the

exercise. It’s for these
muscles right in here.

That is a tapes recorder.

- Oh no.
- I have been bugged.

No.

You are spying on me.

- No.
- Yes.

Do something.

- Oh my goodness.
- This is the one.

Good girl.

Yeah, sure. You've
been a big help.

Mrs. Carter? Mrs. Carter?

Got your spy for you. Caught
him with the goods. Yes, sir.

Oh, no. Mrs. Carter, we
were wrong about him.

- What?
- He's not a spy?

Well, if he's not
a spy, what is he?

He's a writer. He writes greeting
cards for a greeting card company.

Greeting cards?

Oh, good heaven. All
this work for nothing.

Foamy, well, you
never looked lovelier.

Mr. Brock, are you sure about him?
He was certainly acting very suspicious.

- Well, I suppose - - He was
eating notes and everything.

Well, he was probably
afraid the other greeting

card companies were
going to steal his stuff.

You know there are
spies in his business, too.

Oh, who would want to steal any
of that stale stuff he was writing.

Oh, Lucille, you could be in
big trouble. He might sue you.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, he could.

Mr. Vermillion,
Mr. Vermillion. Well don't just

stand there, you two,
help me. Get a derrick.

Oh.

Mr. Vermillion, roses
are red, violets are blue,

I'll pay the doctor bills if
you promise not to sue.