02x07 - Lucy's Burglar's Alarm

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy.

Starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz, and Desi Arnaz, Jr.

♪♪

Craig, will you knock it off?!

Craig!!

Oh, listen. Thanks. You
two are driving me nuts.

Well, like I always say
there's nothing like spending

a quiet evening at home
and this is nothing like it.

Listen, I just put on a pot
of tea, would you like some?

- Yeah.
- I would, thanks.

OK.

[doorbell ringing]

Well, Craig, that was the
first good note you've hit.

That was the doorbell.

- Well, it's an improvement.
- I'll get it.

- Yes?
- Is this the Carter residence?

Yes, it is.

- Mrs. Carter at home?
- Uh-huh. Won't you come in?

Thank you.

Uh, mom, there's a
man here to see you.

What about?

- What do you want to see her about?
- Oh, it's a personal matter.

It's something personal, mother.

Oh?

- I'll be right out.
- She'll be right out.

Won't you sit down?

- No, thanks. This will only take a minute.
- Oh.

- Good evening.
- Good evening.

What can I do for you, sir?

You can put up your
hands. This is a stickup.

I think he's for real.

Well, I'm for real, lady.
Now, get your hands up.

Craig, why did you
let him in the house?

He rang the doorbell.

Well, do you let everyone
in that rings the doorbell.

No. I figured he knew you.
He asked for you by name.

He could have gotten
my name off the mailbox.

- Honestly, for a boy your age
you just never use your head.
- Lady, I told you this is a stickup.

Now, keep out of this.
I'm talking to my son.

You have got to be
more careful in the future.

Mom's right, Craig. I would never
have let a strange man in the house.

You would, too, if he is a
nice-looking guy of about 19.

- I would not.
- You would, too.

- [arguing]
- Stop it, stop it.

I don't want you two
arguing in front of company.

If I've told you once
I've told you a thousand

times, when we have
company, you don't...

Lady, please ball him out later.

First things first.

You don't know what it is to try to
raise two children when you don't have...

Who don't? I've got
eight kids of my own.

Eight?

And you work
nights, that's amazing.

I got to work nights
to support my family.

Oh... Oh, I know. Everything
is so expensive these days.

Ain't it the truth?

- Do you think these kids today
appreciate what we do for them?
- No.

No chance.

I got a kid at
home, 18 years old.

I wanna send him to college to become
a lawyer, but no, he wants to be a hippy.

- A hippy? Oh, really.
- Yes.

Well, you think that's something. I
have a friend who has a daughter.

Oh?

- And every, look, why don't you sit down and
have some tea while I'll tell you all about it.
- OK, thank you.

Wait a minute.
This is a stickup.

Do you mean that
you're still gonna rob me?

Look, I'm sorry lady,
but business is business.

Now, come on. Don't clown
around. Give me all your money.

All right, Kim.
Give me my purse.

Honestly.

Well, here's all I have. A
dollar... uh, 17, 18, a dollar 19.

A dollar 19?

For this, I had
to miss Laugh In.

Well, may I say
it's your own fault.

You know the old
saying, crime doesn't pay.

Oh, it pays, lady,
but not very much.

A dollar 19. I should have listened
to my mother and become a plumber.

That's right. Uh,
mother knows best,

like I want him to be a doctor, but no, no,
he wants to be a rock and roll musician.

Listen to your mother, kid. I
wish I had listened to mine.

Believe me, Craig,
it's for your own good.

And you know something, doctors make almost
as much money on house calls as plumbers.

Listen, why don't you talk to
him. Maybe he'll listen to a man.

Lady, I don't give
lectures for a dollar 19.

- Are you sure
this is all the money you have?
- Positive.

Well then I'm gonna
have to case this joint.

I got a swing with something.

Well, I don't keep anything
in there, but unpaid bills.

- I got enough of those.
- Yeah.

You could take that if you
want, but, uh, it only costs $3.

- You got gypped.
- I did.

I bought one of these
for a buck and a half.

- You're kidding?
- You got to be careful these days, lady.

These people will gyp you
the first chance they got.

You can't trust anybody.

Well, I'm going to
have to take this.

It's an old model,
but what the heck.

No, listen, please, not the television
set. What am I gonna do at nights?

Study and become a doctor.

How would you like
a nice electric guitar?

No thanks. One of my kids is liable to plug
it into a toaster and blow up the house.

Well, nice meeting you folks.

I hope the next time we get together
it's under happier circumstances.

- This is a nice layout you got here.
- Thank you.

- I like it.
- Thanks.

No, really.

- Oh, can I help you, sir?
- Well, thank you.

- I'm looking for Mrs. Lucille Carter?
- Oh, well, I am she, her.

Yes, I'm Lucille Carter.

I'm Detective Harvey Gaynes.

Oh, Detective Gaynes, huh?

- Oh, oh, you must be
here about the burglary.
- That's right.

I am sorry. I couldn't get
to your house last night.

You're sorry?

I mean, it's nice that you're sorry.
I mean, it's nice that you're here.

I see. Well, uh, now Mrs.
Carter, I'd like to ask you

a few questions, err,
that is if you have the time.

Oh, I have. I have.

Fine, now, first of all...

First of all, I think I
should make you comfy.

Why don't you sit
down right over here?

Thank you.

- Now, first of all...
- Would you care for a cigar?

Uh, no, thank you. I
don't smoke cigars.

- Uh, now first of all, I'd like to know...
- How about a pipe?

They're well broken in.

Thank you.

Now, uh, first of all, I'd...

Mrs. Carter, first of
all, I would like to make

sure that, uh, I have
your correct address.

Oh, really? Uh, 5780
Cherry Blossom Lane.

Cherry Blossom Lane.

Yes, and my telephone
number is 865-8231.

And if a man answers,
it's only my son.

I see. Um, now Mrs.
Carter, could you give

me, uh, a description
of the stolen property?

Yes, yes. The dollar bill was green and
it had a picture of George Washington.

Uh, Mrs. Carter, I
meant the television set.

Oh, oh, well. It
was a small set.

It was about three years
old, maybe three and

a half, but the reception
was still very good

except that once in a while the
vertical would slip. It didn't hold in it.

It flipped a lot, you
know... like that.

- Sometimes, the horizontal wasn't...
- Mrs. Carter...

Uh, you can call me, Lucy.

Thank you, uh, Lucy.

Now, tell me, could
you describe the burglar?

Yes, yes. He has eight
children. He looked tired.

I see. And, uh, could you
tell me how old he seems?

Oh, well, now that's,
that's a little hard to

say, uh... about my
age, I guess, early 30s.

I see. And, uh, Mrs. Carter,
could you tell me how tall he was?

Well, I'm not sure.

Would you, would you please stand
up, maybe I can make a comparison?

Certainly.

He, um, he came up
to about, about here.

He wasn't as tall as you are.

- I see, not, not as tall.
- No.

I, I see.

- And, um, tell me, could you
describe the color of his eyes?
- Yes, blue.

- Blue.
- Hmm.

But not as blue as yours.

No, yours is sort of
Mediterranean blue.

- Mediterranean blue?
- Yeah.

- You know, beautiful
waters of the Mediterranean.
- Oh, I see.

Haven't you ever been
to the Mediterranean?

No, Ms. Carter, I've never been
out of the 18th Precinct. I just...

- Well, they say it's a beautiful place.
- Well, I imagine it is.

- A lot of friends of mine
take cruises down there.
- Is that right? Yes.

Yes.

Uh, Mrs. Carter... Might
we return to the questions.

Yes.

- Mediterranean?
- No, no, no.

Question. Uh, uh, were
you... was it possible

for you to notice the
man's weight, uh...

I mean, did you have
an opportunity to... was

he, uh, fat man... his
weight, could you...

Oh, his weight.

Um... well, I'm not very
good at guessing weight, huh,

but he didn't have as good
as physique as you have.

He was kind of caved in.

He looked like a tired
Humphrey Bogart.

I see. Well, thank you Mrs.
Carter. You'll be hearing from me.

I will?

Yes. Uh, I... I'm sure we'll
be in touch with you very soon.

- Oh, uh, in the meantime,
may I suggest something?
- Oh, I wish you would.

Uh, if I were you, I would put
some extra locks on those doors.

- Oh, I intend to.
- Uh-um.

In fact, I think you should
put in a burglar alarm.

A burglar alarm?

Definitely. And the one we recommend sets
off an alarm right in the police station.

- Oh...
- It costs about $500.

Five hundred dollars?

Oh, well, I, uh...

And if that alarm ever rings,
I'll try to come over personally.

Oh, I'll get one today.

I think that's very wise.
Goodbye, Mrs. Carter.

Goodbye, Detective Gaynes.

Good morning.

Oh, good morning.

Harry, Harry you
got to lend me $500?

Harry, I'm not
joking. I need $500.

Oh, oh my goodness.
Oh, dear, oh, that was fun.

What would you like to play now?

- Harry, I'm serious.
- So am I serious.

Don't ever start a business day
with a ridiculous statement like that.

- "I need $500!"
- Well I do.

I have to get a burglar
alarm for my house.

You have got to be kidding.

Harry, I've got to have a burglar
alarm. I was robbed last night.

- Oh no!
- Yes.

Oh, uh, are Kim
and Craig all right?

Yes. No one was hurt, but the
burglar got away with some valuables.

- Valuables?
- Yes.

Uh, what did he steal?
The Crown Jewels?

Or that ten million dollars you
have stashed in your piggy bank?

Well, he didn't get much money or
jewelry, but he took our television set.

Good.

What do you mean good?

Well, now, you won't be
coming in every morning

acting as though you're
vertical had flipped.

- It was very annoying.
- Now, listen, Harry...

Please, let's get to work... to
work Lucille. I have letters to dictate.

Now, let me see.
The first letter...

But, Harry, supposing
the troop comes back...

The only reason he would come back would
be to return that c*ck television set.

- Now, then, the first letter...
- But, Harry, for $500,

I can get a burglar alarm
that is connected right with the

police station. It rings a
bell right at the police station.

I wouldn't care if it played a
glockenspiel in the Hollywood Bowl.

Now, Lucille, for heaven's
sake, be reasonable.

You don't have any valuables
to protect and investing in an

expensive burglar alarm would
be a waste of money. Now...

But, Harry, I'm not
concerned about protecting

my valuables. It's
a matter of safety.

- Safety?
- Yes.

Now, supposing in the
middle of the night, I hear a

noise and I wake up and I
go downstairs to investigate

and I come face to
face with the burglar.

It could be dangerous.
Something terrible could happen.

Well, that's the risks
the burglar takes.

Now, the first letter goes
to Goldapper and Rush.

You mean you're not
going to lend me $500?

I am not going to lend you
$500. I'm not going to lend you $5.

Now, I'm not even
going to lend you 5 cents.

Now, please, can we get to work?
I have these letters on my mind.

Let's see. The first letter
goes to Goldapper and Rush.

You are not a nice man.

Picky, picky, picky.

Kim, hand me the cutters.

Screwdriver.

Adhesive.

Yes, master.

What's the matter with you?

Oh, Craig, for the last three
days, all I've been hearing

is, "Kim, hand me the
cutters, pliers, adhesive tape..."

There's nothing in
our birth certificate that

says you give the
orders and I do the work.

Kim, that's because you don't understand
anything about electronics or electricity.

So, who are you?
Edison, the boy?

If you only explain to me how this burglar
alarm works, I'm sure I'd understand it.

- You would?
- Yes.

OK. I'll explain it to you.

What I'm doing here is I'm
connecting these wires under

the rug so that the
Framistan will contact with the

Gremshaw causing the
current to Criglang, you see.

Oh and you thought I
wouldn't understand.

OK. It is almost done.

- I'm gonna put the rug back,
so everything looks normal.
- Hold it, young man.

I don't want you making a mess
sweeping the dirt under the rug.

Oh, mom, I'm not making a mess.

No, no. He was
connecting the Framistan to

the Gremshaw causing
the current to Criglang.

Oh... well, that's different.

What's so funny?

Oh, nothing, nothing, nothing.

Listen, I've got this burglar
alarm practically finished.

Well, good. I sure hope that
works. It will save me a lot of money.

You know, mom, I'm
surprised Uncle Harry

wouldn't lend you the
money for a burglar alarm.

Harry wouldn't pay 50 cents to see the
"Ten Commandments" with the original cast.

Mom, haven't you ever tried to
appeal to Uncle Harry's good side?

You find it, I'll appeal to it.

Listen, Craig, are you sure
that's just going to work?

Oh, I know it's gonna
work. I guarantee it.

Well, now, look, what
happens if a burglar breaks in?

Well, it's gonna set up all kinds
of sirens and alarms and bells.

It's gonna stop
Mr. Burglar pretty good.

If it doesn't, it will surely give
him a nervous breakdown.

Not only that, but it's gonna set
off an alarm at the police station.

I got Detective Gaynes'
permission to install it.

- Detective Gaynes?
- Yeah.

Yeah, mom. I met him and
he's a pretty good-looking guy.

Oh, really? I hadn't noticed.

Come on, let's get this
thing finished. Can I help?

- Yeah. Oh, see those wires over
there on the railing?
- Yeah.

- Could you plug the brown
one into the green one?
- All right.

I wanna see if this works.

Ah!

Mom, those are the wrong wires!

Yeah. They sure were.
That was quite a shock.

- Now, let's say the burglar
wants to break in, right?
- Mm-hm.

Comes in the door.

- In this area, he doesn't
suspect anything, you see?
- Mm-hm

Then, he comes here and wham!

So, where is the wham?

- I didn't turn the switch on yet.
- Oh.

OK. However, in case we got
a burglar that avoids this area...

Yeah.

We have surprise number two
waiting for him when he steps here.

- Another wham?
- No, this is a blewy.

Is that worse than a wham?

Oh, you better believe it. A blewy
is wham that took karate lessons.

Now, you have to
remember, when I turn on the

switch, we can't step
over there or over here.

OK. All right. OK, OK. I'll
sleep a little sounder tonight.

So will I.

All right. Come on.
Let's go to bed, huh?

All right. Listen, I will show
you how to turn the switch on.

All right, dear.

- This is how you do it.
- Yeah.

- Now, the switch is on.
- Right.

- OK. Come on.
- Hey, can we have a little snack first?

- Sure.
- Yeah, mom. I'm starved.

- I'll make you some sandwiches.
- OK, great.

Mom, no!

We have to be
careful, the switch is on.

OK.

- Oh, I forgot to tell you about
one more thing.
- What?

Well, you know, all burglars
when they break into a house,

the first thing that they look
for is to rob the safe, right?

Right, but we don't have to worry
about that. We don't have a safe.

You know that and I know that,
but the burglar does not know it.

So?

So, all crooks know that the safe is
always hidden behind the picture, right?

Yeah, but we don't have a safe.

Just go over that
picture and lift it up.

Go ahead, mom.

Go on. Go.

When did you put that in?

It's a phony.

Yeah, he painted it
on and it's a phony dial.

- No kidding.
- That's right.

Well, OK, OK, so the crook
lifts the picture, finds the

phony safe here. How long
do you think that will fool him?

Long enough. Make believe that you're
a crook and you wanna crack the safe.

Turn the combination dial.

All right.

[alarm sounding]

How about that?

Oh, that's clever, very clever.

When I get over my nervous
breakdown, I'm gonna give you such a hit.

Oh, you got to admit,
mom. He's a genius.

- Well, all right.
- Come on, let's eat.

- OK.
- Let's eat.

[doorbell ringing] Who is it?

It's me Harry?

- Oh, wait a minute.
- Mom!

What now?

The thing!

Oh, I forgot.

- Harry, go around the back door.
- Uh, all right.

- Kim, open the door for him.
- All right.

Now, mom, that was close.

You got to remember that once the switch
is on, you can't step there or there.

- Yeah...
- Or wham, blewy.

Yeah, wham, I have to get
used to wham and blewy.

After all, that's the
first night we've had it.

Oh, thank you, dear.

- Hello, Craig.
- Hello, Uncle Harry.

Lucille, I'm sorry to drop in so late, but
my conscience has been bothering me.

Well, that's a surprise. I didn't
know you had a conscience.

Well, there's no
need to get huffy.

I've been thinking it
over and I have decided

to lend you the money
for the burglar alarm.

Well, you need not bother,
I don't want your money.

But, I insist on making the loan.
I'm deeply concerned about all of you.

No, your concern about is collecting
your 8% interest on that loan.

Well, I didn't come
here to be insulted.

I know and I'm not wanted.

- Uncle Harry, don't!
- Don't what?

- Get me out of here!
- Craig, it works, it works!

I told you, mom.

Get me out of here!

- I didn't think it will work that good.
- You're actually a genius?

- Get me out of here!
- Keep your shirt on, will you?

Come on, kids.
Grab a hold on me.

- Come on, Uncle Harry.
- No! Not by the hair!

- Oh...
- Come on, Harry.

- You know, this was gonna...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, give me. Pull, pull.

[knock at the door] Open up!

Open up, there.
This is the police!

Detective Gaynes!

- Get me out of here!
- Mrs. Carter, are you all right?

- Yeah, I'm fine.
- Get me out of here.

What's going on down there?

Uh, I'll tell you but
you never believe in it.

Mom, no!

[alarm sounding]

What's happening?

Oh, nothing, nothing at
all. Everything is wonderful.

Get me out of here!

Oh, I will, I will
in a day or two.