02x10 - Lucy, the Cement Worker

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy.

Starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz, and Desi Arnaz, Jr.

- Craig?
- Oh. Hi, Kim.

What are you doing up at


Uh, I'm making breakfast
for mom. That's what.

Breakfast for mom?

Why shouldn’t I?

I mean, it's a nice way
of letting her know that I

love her and letting her
know that I appreciate her,

- letting her know that...
- That you need some extra money?

That's not a nice thing to say.

How much do you need?

Ten dollars.

Ten dollars?

Oh Craig, you go back to
bed and I'll take over here.

Oh, no, you won't.

I think mother would be a lot
happier if I made her breakfast.

Why?

I only need $5.

Uh-uh. You can
get yours tomorrow.

But, I need it today.

Yeah, well, so do I
and I got here first.

No, you didn't. I got here


I mean in the kitchen.

I was born in the kitchen.

I don't care if the
refrigerator's your godmother.

- I'm making mom's breakfast.
- No, you're not.

Wait a minute.

- You need the money and I
need the money, right?
- Yes.

- I got a solution. OK?
- What?

We'll both set a
place at the table.

Then, when mom comes down,
without influencing her in any way,

if she sits in your place, she's yours,
and if she sits in my place, she's mine.

OK?

- All right, it's a deal.
- OK. Such a pleasure.

- I'm making cream of wheat.
- Good.

Excuse me.

Good morning, children.

- Hi, mom.
- Oh! Morning mom!

What are you kids
doing up so early?

Oh, nothing special.

Nothing special?

The last time I saw either
of you up at 6 o'clock in the

morning was when the
doctor held you up by your feet.

Mom, we both thought
it would be kinda nice

to get up early and
make breakfast for you.

- You—you both made breakfast for me?
- Uh-huh.

See the table's all
set and everything.

Yeah. Isn't that nice?

- Well... Where
would you like to sit?

- Oh well, if I sit in this chair...
- then you'll eat the breakfast
that I fixed for you.

- Oh, and if I sit in this chair?
- Uh, then you'll be eating the
breakfast that I fixed for you.

Oh, well, now, this
is quite a decision.

Look, kids, I don't want
to show any partiality.

So I'll sit in both chairs.

- Oh, what's the matter mom?
- You forgot the strawberry jam.

- Oh.
- Uh-oh!

- What's wrong?
- The light is out in Kim's godmother.

Kim's godmother?

Mom, you mean
you heard us talking?

Yes, I did.

You heard everything we said?

Well, maybe not everything
but at least $15 worth.

Mom, if you knew what we wanted,
why did you make us go on like this?

To teach you both a lesson.

Now, look, kids, when
you need extra money, you

don't have to go
through all this conniving.

There's an easier way.

If you need a little extra money,
just come right out and ask for it.

- Mom, can we have some extra money?
- Mother, can we have some extra money?

No.

Now, you see how easy it was?

Look, kids, don't you think I'd like
to give you extra money if I could?

But I just can't. I
don't earn enough.

Now, you just go ahead and eat your
breakfast and then get ready for school.

Oh, and whose turn is it
to clean up the kitchen?

Mine.

OK. Don't forget to
defrost Kim's godmother.

All right, light-fingered Lucy.

Where's the Morton contract?
What did you do with it?

- The Morton contract?
- Yes.

Well, I didn't take it. I didn't
even come near your desk.

- Oh you didn't take it?
- No.

May I ask you a question?

How many people
are there in this room?

Two.

Congratulations. You're right.

Two. Us.

And you mean to sit
there in all innocence and

tell me you didn't take
the Morton contract?

No. I didn't take it.

Now look, if you think for
one minute that you can

make a fool out of me,
you are mistaken and for...

Don't you say a word.

Not one single solitary word.

- Harry, let me help you.
- I don't need any help.

I mustn't tear this. This
is the only copy I've...

Well, don't just
sit there, help me!

I wanted to...

What... what are you...
what are you trying to do?

All right. All right. All
right. Wait a minute.

- Wait a minute.
- Whoa, what do you... go.

Look, what you did to my tie?

All right. All right. Don't
worry about your tie.

Just relax.

Will you take that weapon away before
you cut the stem off my Adam's apple.

- Now, now, now. Just relax.
- Oh, for heaven's sake.

Look what you...

Here... Give it here,
give it here. Turn around

- What are you gonna do?
- Now just stand still.

What are you doing
with that tie it’s no...

Will you stand
still for a minute?

Oh. Stand still. I
have to go to a...

All right, stop. Relax. Relax.

- Relax she says.
- Relax. Just take it easy. Take it easy.

Now then, go take a look.
Go on. Go look at yourself.

Well, most attractive,
very good looking.

The tie doesn't look bad either.

Oh, God.

All right. All
right. Don't laugh.

For your information, I'll
have you know that in my day,

I was very often mistaken
for one of the Barrymore's?

Oh really? Which one?

- Does it matter?
- Yeah. One of them was Ethel.

For heaven’s sake. You and your
wise... Now, give me that contract.

- I have to get to the meeting.
- OK.

And will you start working
for heaven's sake instead

of fooling around
telling all of those things,

- littering up the office.
- Yes Harry. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

- Hi Lucy.
- Oh hi, Mary Jane.

- Liz and I just had to come and
tell you what happened last night.
- What happened?

- Well, a little lady mouse
jumped into my fishbowl and drowned.
- Oh.

But another little mouse came along
and saved it's little girlfriend's life.

But how could he do that?

He gave her mouse
to mouse resuscitation.

That's a kind of a funny
joke. Why aren’t you laughing?

I guess I'm not in a laughing
mood. I've got problems.

Oh, like what?

Like this morning, my
kids asked me for some

extra money and I
couldn't give it to them.

Now, I just got to
make more money.

Well this is an employment
agency, why don't

you look in the files and
see what you can find.

Oh, we always get
calls for such weird jobs.

Well, that's right up your
alley. You're the weirdest.

Come on, let's look in the file.

- Come on, I'll help you.
- Well, maybe, I can find something here.

- You look in...
- Well, all right. Here.

Here, listen to this.

"Wanted. Female to assist
in night club act, contact

The Great Pierre Bar Marché
at Elite Rehearsal Hall."

Gee, a night club
act, I'd like that.

Mary Jane, wouldn't it be amazing if I
got into show business at the age of 35?

Yeah, it will even be
more amazing at your age.

[door knocking] Entree.

Well, uh, bonjour
Madame, bonjour.

Bonjour.

- Are you the Great Pierre Bar Marché.
- Oui. The Great Pierre Bar Marché.

What can I do for you?

Uh, well, sir. Oh! What
would you like me to call you?

Pierre? Or Monsieur Bar Marché?

Well, just call me Great.

And you have come to audition?

Yes, I have come to audition. I can
sing a little and I can dance a little.

No. No. No. The singing and
the dancing is not necessary.

- Oh.
- No. No. Come here, please.

I want you to please stand over
here against the wall, right like that.

Oh, that's perfect. I
want to take a look at you.

Oh.

First let me look.

Uh, oh. Fantastic!

- Now, don't move.
- Wait a minute!

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

One more.

Ah.

Ah.

You are wonderful.

Like I say in French,
[French term]

You are now in show business..

We open tonight at
the Pickled Onion.

Everyone from miles around will
be there to see my performance.

With each knife I throw, I will
remove a little bit of your costume

and when I finish, you will be standing
there, true to the name of our act.

The Great Pierre
and his topless target.

- Topless target?
- Ah, oui, Madame.

Buster, as they say in
French, Auf Wiedersehen.

No. No, please...

What in the name of
Calamity Jane are you doing?

Well I uh, I uh...

Could it be that you are heaping
all of this personal attention on me

in the hopes that I would
give you a raise in salary?

Well, yes.

Lucille, there's an easier
way than conniving.

If you want a raise, why don't you
just come right out and ask for it.

- Oh! Well can I have a raise?
- No.

- Harry!
- See how easy that is.

That's not fair. I haven't gotten a
raise since I started working here.

I'm not getting what I'm worth.

If I paid you what you're
worth, you'd be on relief.

- But I need extra money.
- Oh, you always need extra money.

Oh! Wait a minute.

- I know how you could
earn a little extra money.
- How?

- Well, it's something
you've never done before.
- What's that?

Work.

What is it? What is it?

Well, it just so happens a
client of mine called this morning.

He needs a girl to do some part
time work addressing envelopes.

Oh, where is it?
I'll go right over.

Not on my time, you won't.

The rest of the afternoon belongs
to me. Get to work. To work. To work.

Do you know how much this
envelope addressing job pays?

Four dollars an hour and there are
about five hours' work. So you'll get $15.

Fifteen. Gee, that's
exactly what I need.

Wait a minute. Four
dollars an hour, five hours?

Harry, that job pays $20.
What happened to the other $5?

My commission.

Oh! You're all heart.

I know.

- Oh! I almost forgot.
- What?

I want you to run down to the
jewelry store before it closes.

Jewelry store?

Yes. I want you to
have this ring engraved.

It's an old family heirloom.

Oh, an heirloom. It's beautiful.

Yes. Yes. I'm sending it to a cousin of
mine in New York, she's getting married.

Oh, well, what do you
want engraved on it?

Well, I want W... You
better write this down.

Now I want the engraving
to read W-A-M-L-from U-H.

W-A-M-L from U-H.
What does that mean?

With all my love
from Uncle Harry.

Well, she won't know what that
means. You'll have to spell it out.

Engraving costs 50 cents a
letter. I'll spell it out on the postcard.

Now, get down to the jewelry
store and remember, that

is a very valuable family
heirloom, so don't lose it.

- Well, don't worry,
I'll keep it right on my finger.
- Good.

- Oh!
- I should have known better than to
entrust anything valuable to you.

All right. Now, don't get
excited. It's got to be right here.

I'm not excited. It may be
damaged. The stone may be loose.

- Now, what do you know.
- Oh, you found it.

No, but remember that
eyelash I lost last week?

Never mind that
eyelash! You find that ring!

If you don't, I'm
going to send you on a

solo trip to the moon
with a one way ticket.

All right, I'll find
it. Here, hold this.

I got it. Oh!

Say, you ought to tell the cleaning
woman to clean under this desk.

You'll be working late
enough to tell her yourself.

Now, will you get down to the jewelers
before it closes for heaven's sake...

Yes. Yes.

- Never mind! I'll pick it up! Go. Go. Go.
- OK.

Where are you going now?

I wanna wash my hands.
It was dirty under that desk.

Well, hurry! Hurry!

I wonder if I could
send her to the moon.

- Superstitious lady?
- No. Just careful, that's all.

Oh! Oh.

Are you hurt, ma'am?

No. But I could have
been, why don't you

put up a sign that says
danger, men at work!

You mean like that one?

- Oh, yes. Like that one.
- Here, here lady.

Oh, thank you.

Oh! What a mess!

Oh! Could I take this with me?

- Oh, sure, please, take it.
- Thank you.

Oh dear.

[jack hammer]

Oh! Are you the jeweler?

- Yeah. That's right.
- Oh! Am I glad I caught you.

- Why? Oh, certainly.
- I have to have this ring engraved.

- It's gone!
- What's gone?

- The ring! It's gone! I lost it.
- Lost what?

Oh, this is awful.

If I don't find that ring, I'll wind up
taking a one way trip to the moon.

- The moon?
- Yeah and that's terrible because
I get airsick in an escalator.

Lady, if you would please just
calm down, perhaps, I could help you.

Oh yes, yes. Please help
me. I gotta find that ring.

All right. Now, look,
the very first thing after

you lose something, is
to back up in your mind.

You retrace your steps. Where
was you before you came here.

Oh yeah. Yeah. Let's
see uh, I left the office...

Office.

- And then I walked down Elm Street...
- Elm street.

- and then I crossed over to the
gas station to call my children.
- Crossed the gas station?

- And they weren't home.
- There never home.

They are never home when I
call them and then I continued

down Elm Street and
then I made, uh, a left turn...

- Left?
- On Main Street.

- On main?
- Yeah.

- That was where I didn't walk under the
ladder, not because I'm superstitious.
- Oh, you're not superstitious?

No, no I am not because I was careful.
Of course, they didn't have a sign.

Oh, no sign?

- Well, I mean they did have a sign
but I didn't see it.
- They had a sign?

So I fell in the wet
cement... and got it up.

Cement?!

- That's it. That's it.
- What's it?

What? What? What?

I fell in wet cement.
That explains everything.

That's where I lost the ring.

Lady, I'm afraid
that's not all you lost.

Oh, thank you for
being so helpful.

Now, now. Don't go
away, I'll be right back.

- You're coming back?
- Yes.

Hi.

Does your mommy
know where you are?

Well I... my mommy?

Yes.

Anybody who would
do a thing like this

couldn't possibly be
more than seven years old.

- But well, officer, you see I... I...
- Get out of here.

- Well but I...
- Get out of here.

Go on get out! Get out
of here before I run you in.

- Well, officer, you don't...
- Why don't you get out of here now!

- Go on!
- You don't understand!

Go on or I'll run you
in! Get out! Get out!

Well, she was here all right.

The jeweler left the country.

Uncle Harry I'm tired.

Well now, I'm not going
to carry your piggy back

dear and we have got to
keep looking for your mother.

But you said mother
didn't lose the ring.

I think we should have
waited at the office.

The normal thing for her
to do is to go back there.

Normal for most people,
yes, but your mother? No!

- Now come one let's keep on looking.
- But, Uncle Harry...

You know, I don't
understand you guys.

Every time you put in a
new street or a new sidewalk,

you can't wait to come
back and tear it up again.

- Why is that?
- I don't know.

Well, uh, ramming that jack
hammer sure has affected your voice.

Mom! What are you doing?

Well, I, uh, I was
looking for something.

In the sidewalk?

And just what were
you looking for?

Well, that ring you gave
me to have engraved.

- Oh! Oh! The family heirloom.
- Yeah. Yeah. The heirloom.

I lost it in this cement
when it was wet.

- Yeah. You mean this ring?
- Yeah, that one.

And when I rushed to the
jewelry store, on the way I tripped

and I fell on the wet cement
and I lost the ring there

and I came back and I... I'm
gonna find it. I'm gonna find it.

How? How? Where? Where? How?

Mother. Mother.

When you washed
your hands at the office

this morning, you left
the ring on the basin.

Oh! Thank goodness,
everything' all right.

Oh, no it isn't. You were
wasting the entire afternoon.

- For that, you are going to
work over time at the office.
- But, Harry.

- And I am going to dock you for every
minute you wasted and furthermore, - You!

Why you must be
some kind of a nut.

I'm gonna arrest you for
destroying city property.

- Arrest me?
- Yeah!

You will be lucky if
you get off with a fine.

She could be fined
up to a hundred dollars.

- A hundred dollars?
- She might even go to jail?

Yes.

- Harry!
- A jail for six months?
- Yes. For six months

- Maybe a year?
- Harry! No!