02x11 - Lucy and Johnny Carson

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy!

Starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz and Desi Arnaz Jr.

Ooh!

What are you doing?

Well, I'm trying to decide which
one of these earrings I like best.

Which one do you
think I should wear?

All three of them!

I only have two ears.

So wear one on your nose!

"So wear one on your nose!"

Hurry up kids! Harry
will be here any minute.

Will you please hurry
up and get dressed.

I am dressed mom!

With your shirt open like that?

He only wears open shirts
since he found a hair on his chest.

Craig, now we're going with
uncle Harry you know what

a stickler he is for dignity,
now you go put on a tie.

I'll put a tie on it.

Mom, where's uncle
Harry taking us tonight?

Oh, I don't know. I forgot to ask
him because my toe hurts so much.

Toe hurt?

Yeah, when he called he said he
was treating us to an evening out.

I was so shocked I dropped
the phone on my foot.

Oh boy, have I got to hurry.

Oh mom, before you go, which one
of these earrings do you like best?

Gee, I don't know.

They both look very nice.

Why don't you start a
new fad, wear one of each!

That's a great idea!

There that's better.
You look wonderful.

Yeah. Well, I feel terrible.

- I'm choking to death.
- Oh stop.

- Craig.
- Yeah?

You think I should wear my
hair up on top of my head?

That's the best place for it!

That's very good. Which one
are you today, Rolan or Martin?

- Kim.
- What?

Have you seen my new...

Your new what?

New b-r-a.

It's hanging on the I-i-n-e.

I can spell now, mom!

Yeah, well...

- Oh, get that would you?
- I will.

- Oh, hi Uncle Harry!
- Hello, dear.

Hello Uncle Harry! How are you?

I'm fine. You look
very nice, very nice.

- Where's your mother?
- Oh, she'll be down in a minute.

Oh, I hope so. I don't
want to be late tonight.

- Where are we going to go Uncle Harry?
- Oh, that's a surprise.

Oh, give us a hint.

Well, just be patient. You'll
know when we get there.

Lucille! Will you hurry
up; I don't want to be late!

I'll be down in a minute, Harry.

I'm having trouble
with my eyelashes.

Mom, do you want me to
come up and help you fix them?

I want you to come up
and help me find them!

Oh.

- Will you stop complaining...?
- Well, a fine surprise!

You could've at least
told us that the big show

you were treating us to
was a free TV program.

Uncle Harry, are we going
to see the Tonight Show?

No, no, dear. We're going
to an educational program.

- Whoopie.
- And for this I had to wear a tie.

Now, that isn't
the proper attitude.

We are going to
see a panel show!

- A panel show?
- Yes, yes.

Four leading economists are
going to discuss the origin of money.

Boy, you drool over
that as though you're

going to see Raquel
Welch take a bubble bath.

- Now, where's studio B, I wonder.
- Who cares?

Oh, there it is, right
up there. Here we are.

Hello?

Oh, Johnny Carson,
just a minute.

- Hey Johnny, it's for you.
- Right-O

And now, here's Johnny!

I told you you don't have
to do that, not on local calls.

Hello?

Yeah, of course this is Johnny
Carson. Didn't you hear the applause?

Oh gosh, I'm sorry.

No, I'm only going to be on here
two weeks and I'm busy every night.

Yeah, well I'm afraid I just
won't be able to do your show.

Yeah, thanks for calling, Joey.

Joey?

Joey Heatherton drives me nuts.

Hey, do you have any
unusual times out here?

Sure Johnny. I always have
fun when I come to Hollywood.

Yes, I know, I know, I know.

- Well, listen. Last night, I
behaved like a typical tourist.
- You a tourist?

Yeah, I walked down
on Hollywood boulevard.

You know, when you walk
along and you got all the

stars' names encased in
cement, and there they were-

Greer Garson, Debbie Reynolds,
Douglas Fairbanks Jr... Dean Martin -

No star he was just
lying there in person.

He can pack it away
good! That Dean!

Oh, Ed. When it comes to drinking,
Dean couldn't hold a candle to you.

If he did he'd blow you both up.

Hey, listen. I don't mind you making me
the fun of your drinking jokes on the air,

but you know I really don't
drink that much. I mean, come on.

All I do is toast a
friend now and then.

A friend? Who else
drinks to Jack the Ripper?

That's a good point.
Listen, it's almost show time.

I'm going down to make up. I'll
see you out on the great stage.

- Hey, hey, hey, what's this?
- Oh, that's for you.

- What is it?
- Open it up and find out.

I certainly will.

[recording] Hello Johnny,
this is Ed McMahon speaking.

I solemnly swear that from
now on and forever more,

I'll refrain from running
around drinking and carousing.

Should I at any time
in the future be tempted

to carouse or even
take one little drink,

please play this for me to
remind me of my promise.

This tape will
self-destruct in 5 seconds.

I've been looking forward
to this for a long time.

- Excuse me sir.
- Hmm?

These tickets aren't any good.

- They're no good, why not?
- They're for last week's show.

Honestly, Harry how in the world could you
possible do such a stupid, asinine thing?

Yeah, that's the type of
thing we'd expect mom to do.

- Oh... I didn't mean the way...
- Well, I hope not.

Well, it's the end of
another perfect evening.

- Come on let's all go home.
- Ah, I'm sorry. I don't...

Wait a minute kids. Wait a minute. Let's
go in and see the Johnny Carson show.

Without tickets,
that's impossible!

Well, now maybe it isn't.

Listen, you three get in that line up
there at the end and do what I tell you.

Lucille, I don't think...

No you sure don't that's why
we don't have tickets to the show.

Go on. Get in that line up
there and let me handle it.

Get in the line! Hurry up!

Oh, I don't know.

Oh, good heavens!

Police! Police!

What is it ma'am? May I help?

Oh, oh, I lost my wallet.
My wallet has been stolen.

See, I had it right in there.

See, I think that's right out
of the handkerchief ma'am.

- Right there.
- Oh of course, of course.

Oh, thank you very much.
You've been very helpful.

Certainly.

Ticket please.

Oh, well I really don't want to see
the show but my children are in there

and I have to give them
a very important message.

Lady, I've heard hundreds
of excuses from people trying

to sneak in but that's the
granddaddy of them all.

Well, now look I
promise I'll be right out!

That's what they all say.

Well, you've just
got to believe me.

Here, here, I'll give you my watch and
when I come out you can give it back to me.

If I don't come
out, you can keep it.

Okay. Go ahead.

Thank you.

- Excuse me.
- Yes?

I have to make a very important
phone call. Where is the phone?

- Sure, there's a phone right
over there against the wall.
- Oh, thank you.

Oh, may I have a ticket
so I can get back in again.

Certainly.

Oh, there you are. Oh
I told you I'd be back.

May I have my watch please?

- Yes ma'am. Of course.
- Thank you.

- There you are.
- Thank you very much.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you very much. Good
evening ladies and gentleman.

Welcome to The
Johnny Carson show.

This is our third night
here in Hollywood.

We always get wonderful
audiences when we're here

but I think this is the
very best audience of all.

All right?

Okay.

So if you're all
set, we're all set!

And now, here's Johnny!

And may the bird of paradise
lie a taco on your tutu!

I don't know what that means
but we're here in California anyway.

We love to come out here
a few times a year except

the rumor that California is
supposed to slip into the Pacific Ocean

any day now bothers
me a little bit. But

then I understand Mary
Yordy heard about it,

sized up the situation,
he took immediate action -

He left for Europe.

Now, actually this is my
second home because

two of my sons were
born in California.

I bought my very first house out here;
remember what a thrilling moment that is?

And that's why I'd come
out here every other year.

I'm still looking for the
clown that sold it to me.

I was a little naïve.

You know, on your first house,
you don't know much and I

should've known better because
I remember the guy's name,

Harvey Briscko of the Burbank Reality
and Transmission Exchange Company.

Harvey said, "I want you
to see this model home."

You know, the model
homes are always beautiful.

He took me out to
Benedict Canyon.

Have you ever seen those houses?

He showed me this little
model home on the side of the

hill and he says, "You better
grab this great buy because

these are going to move fast."

Well, Harvey, you
know, right, the first rain it

moved all right, right
down Ventura Boulevard!

I have never been able to figure
out the freeway system here yet.

I remember when I lived
here, I lived in Encino, out

in the valley and I could
get on the Hollywood freeway

and be in downtown
Los Angeles in 20 minutes

whether I wanted
to go there or not!

I want to tell you, you miss a
turn, you never get back on!

You know that interchange
down the Los Angeles harbor

freeway, the Santa Ana,
they all come together?

I know a couple that had been on
there seven years. They're going around...

Things have changed out here.

I remember going up
in sunset strip a few

years ago and it was
kind of nice and quiet.

Have you seen that scene lately?

You've got some strange
citizens walking around up there.

No, I got in the car the other night
and I wanted to do a little sightseeing.

So, I'd drive down the
strip and I come to Doheny

and I stick my hand out
in order to make a left turn,

some guy kissed it!

And on top of that,
he stole my martini!

Well, that's California.

We have got...

We've got miniskirts in New York but
you know out here it's a little ridiculous.

I saw a girl on Hollywood
boulevard the other

day wearing the
shortest skirt in history.

How short was it?

Well, let me tell you.

This mini was so short it
didn't even cover her maxi.

Are you having any
fun out here in this trip?

Oh, yeah. Except I had to
cancel my trip to the Swiss Alps.

You go to the Swiss Alps every time
we come out here. Why do you go there?

I go out in the snow
and hunt St. Bernard's.

Watch this one.

Why do you go
hunt St. Bernard's?

Well, they don't always
find you, you know!

Of course!

I think they're coming
to make a citizen’s arrest.

Before they do, why don't we go out
and talk to some people in the audience.

We always get great
audiences out here in

California so let's just
talk to a few people.

How about you?

- Me?
- Yeah.

Would you like? Come on.
You mind standing up and move

out here a little bit so we
can get a good shot of you?

That's alright.
Don't be nervous.

Right out here.

Well, so you see.

It's alright, don't be nervous.

What's your name?

- What?
- What's your name?

Do you want to look in your
dress? Maybe it's stenciled there.

- Ah, Lucille Carter.
- Ahh, that's good.

- Are you married?
- No.

Oh, I like you to
meet my children.

I'm a widow and I'm
here with my two children,

Kim and Craig, and
my brother-in-law, Harry.

Nice to meet you. I thank all
of you to come to see my show.

We didn't come to see your show.

Well, we came to see The Origin
of Money and I'd never know now...

Harry, please.

It's true, we didn't really
come to see your show because

Harry wanted to see Raquel
Welch take a bubble bath

but he goes to sleep at 9
o'clock so I pretended that my

watch was stolen and the usher
gave me back my wristwatch

and we all got in, anyway,
and we're glad about it.

Do these pains come often?

Now, tell me Mrs. Carter.

- Mrs. Carter have you seen...?
- You can call me Lucy. My friends do.

All right Lucy. Have you ever seen
the little game we do with the band?

- You mean, stump the band?
- That's it. Yeah.

Oh yes, I have.

I know that if I can name a song that
the band doesn't know I could win a prize.

That's right.

And sometimes you
do get cookie songs.

And some cookie people.

- I tell you what, let's...
- I don't know how you handle some
of those cooks, I really don't.

I tell you what, we'll have
a special prize tonight.

If you stump the band, I'll
have your daughter and your

son be my guest at the
Factory discotheque tonight.

Oh, thank you. That's fantastic!

That's were all the
stars go Uncle Harry!

And I'll tell you what, even though your
brother-in-law didn't want to come tonight,

you can be my guest for
dinner at The Brown Derby.

Oh! The Brown Derby!
Isn't that wonderful Harry?

You'll probably
get stuck for the tip.

Uncle Harry should be a home.

You know a number may
stump the band now, Lucy?

No, do you?

- Oh, oh, do I know?
- That's right.

Well, do they know one
called Snoops the Lawyer?

Snoops the Lawyer,
fellas anybody at all?

Nah, they don't
seem to know that.

I've never heard of a
title like that anyway.

Are you putting me
on? That's a real song?

No, no, no. It's a novelty
song that my father used to sing

when I was a little girl
about 40, uhm, 30 years ago.

I was very little.

Are you all set to go? Do
you need a key for this?

No, I have perfect pitch.

Isn't that great.

Okay. All set to go?

- Yes.
- All right.

[sings] I know a certain
lawyer in a little town who

got the name of Snoops
for always snooping around.

He was the most peculiar
man that I have ever seen.

I'll give you a description
of the man I mean...

Hey, you stumped the band!

- Snoops the lawyer, never wore a collar...
- Very good.

- Snoops the lawyer, charging awful price.
- That's all.

Snoops the lawyer, never spent a dollar
and no one never took a bit of his advice.

Okay, you stumped
the band! Now...

A fellow was arrested
only yesterday.

- He stole 11 bottles from a smart cafe...
- You've already won.

But Snoops the lawyer
laughed right at the judges face.

- Said 11 bottles don't make a case...
- Clever song!

Snoops the lawyer,
never wore a collar.

- Snoops the lawyer...
- Wonderful song!

- Charging awful price...
- Oh, good.

Snoops the lawyer, never spent a dollar
and no one ever took a bit of his advice.

A lady lost her little
dog that she couldn't...

That's wonderful! I think you...

and while she spoke, tears
were rolling right down her face.

Then Snoops the lawyer
said, I'd like to take your case.

In fact I'd like to take
the little doggie's place...

Would you like an army...

- Glad to see you.
- Right sir. Right here.

- I don't know about you but I'm starving.
- Yeah.

Thank you, Sid.

- The waiter will be with
you in just a moment, sir.
- Perfect.

Well, I don't know about you but
this has been someday I'm beat.

Me too. But we had a
very funny show tonight.

Would you believe
that red-headed dame?

She's something else. You
know, she was a nice looking gal.

- It's too bad her voice
didn't measure up to the rest of her.
- Yeah.

Have you ever heard anybody
with a memory like that -92 choruses.

- Good evening!
- Oh, good evening!

Do you have a reservation?

No. No, we don't
have a reservation.

Well, if you don't have a reservation,
it will be a 30-minute wait for a table.

Oh, but we're Johnny
Carson's guests.

Oh. Well, come
right this way ma'am.

Right here.

Well, hello there!

Oh, isn't this nice, Harry?

Look, you sit next to Mr. McMahon
and I'll sit next to Mr. Carson.

Well now, you know when you said we
were going to have dinner as your guests,

I didn't think we were
going to be with you.

Neither did I.

Harry, why don't
you sit down, dear?

Lucille, this gentleman
might like to be alone.

- Well, that's OK, we were just...
- Oh Harry, don't be silly.

If they wanted to be alone, they
wouldn't have invited us. Now, sit down.

Sit down. Move
over Ed. Move over.

It'll be a tight squeeze...

There's plenty of
room. Now, sit down.

There now, see I told you there's
enough room. Mr. McMahon is not that fat.

Oh, wait till I tell the
girls in my bridge club

that I had dinner with Johnny
Carson and Ed McMahon.

- They'll never get over it.
- Neither will we.

You know, Johnny I see
your show all the time.

Yeah.

Every night I get in bed
and watch you until I doze off.

Your show is better
than a sleeping pill.

You know what I call
you my little night light.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Mr. Carson, I must say I
enjoyed your show tonight.

- You were very funny.
- Oh yeah.
- Thank you.

- Say, Mr. McMahon and you are excellent!
- Oh, you're so right, Harry!

Ed you are so talented
and so jolly and so pleasant.

You know something, you really don't need
Johnny. You should have your own show.

- Would you care for something to drink?
- Are you kidding?

I'd like a glass of sherry.

Plain ginger ale.

- How about you sir?
- Bring him a St. Bernard.

- I'll have a very dry martini.
- Same here.

All right, be right up!

Oh, I just can't tell you what a
thrill it is for me to be here with you.

You are really one of
my all-time favorites!

Thank you.

Well, just the other night,
I was so impressed when

you did that program about
unrest on the campuses.

Unrest on the campuses?

Yes, yes.

The shows were you
discussed reasons for college

students being so
dissatisfied, you know.

You were absolutely brilliant!

That was Walter Cronkite!

Oh. Well, he's good too.

Anyway, I hardly
ever miss your show.

Oh, I love the one where you
had the boxing kangaroo on.

And you said to the kangaroo,
you said... oh, that just k*lled me.

You said, "Better keep
an eye on your baby

lady, we've got
pickpockets in the audience."

That's Sullivan!

Ed Sullivan?

Oh, I always get
you and Ed mixed up.

You both have the
same personality.

But you know what I
love most about you is that

at the end of every
program, you close by saying,

"Bless you."

Billy Graham!

Oh.

- Waiter!
- Yes sir?

- You want to make that a triple?
- Be right up.

A triple martini?

- You know, you could get drunk on that?
- Oh, I hope so!

Well, you know something I just
don't think you're being very fair to Ed.

Oh no, Johnny is just wonderful to
me, and the house isn't quite paid for yet.

- Oh, I see you're building a house.
- Yes.

- In Avalon?
- Yes.

He sends money to a
Clydesdale every month also.

Does Alice know?

Well, I just think you're being nice,
Ed. I just think you're being loyal.

He's always kidding you
by being a big drinker but you

notice that he is the one
that ordered the triple martini.

Lucille, a man only orders a
triple martini if he has a problem.

I'll drink to that!

Oh. Well, I'm sorry if
you have a problem.

Please don't get me wrong,
I'm one of your biggest

fans but I just don't
think it's fair that...

Oh my goodness! Look who
just came in! Gregory Peck!

Where?

- Right over there!
- Where?

- I'm awfully sorry!
- That's all right. It's my fault.

Oh, good heavens!

Oh. Oh, good heavens!

No, no, no, no!

Never mind!

Well, there you
are, the perfect host!

I'm usually not this clumsy; it's just that
I get so excited when I see celebrities!

- Lucille! Lucille.
- What?

Your all-time favorite
just walked in - Cary Grant!

Where? -Where?

Over there at the end of the
room, the far table there, far table.

- Excuse me. I'll be right back.
- My luck, she will be.

All right fellas. All right,
now is your chance to escape.

Escape?

Won't she be a little mad when
she comes back and we're not here?

Not as nearly as mad as she'll be when
she finds out that that isn't Cary Grant.

- Do you mind if I go with you?
- Come on brother! Come on!

Oh! Mr. Carson,
where are you going?