02x14 - Lucy Protects Her Job

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy.

Starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz, and Desi Arnaz, Jr.

Where's Harry is
your lovable boss.

- You mean that jolly green monster?
- Yeah.

He's out having a
business breakfast.

Good 'cause I just
hate to rush a manicure.

- Yeah. Well, you're doing a beautiful job.
- Thank you,

- But you know, Mary Jane,
I feel like I'm taking advantage of you.
- Why?

Well, you've given me
three manicures already

this month and I've
only given you one.

When am I gonna
give you your next one?

As soon as my fingers heal up.

Oh, gee this is
just a pretty shade.

Isn't that pretty... it's a very new
shade. It's called abalone pink.

- Abalone pink?
- Uh-hum.

Good. That means I can
bite my nails on Friday.

Could you squeeze
me in for a permanent?

I thought she'd never leave.

Well, I see you had plenty
of time for a manicure, but

you didn't have time to
file those papers, did you?

- Oh, well... Never
mind. Never mind.

I have a golf date this
morning. I want to dictate

some letters before I
leave, so let's get going.

Uh, but my fingernails are wet.

I don't care if
your ears are wet.

- Sit down, take dictation, please.
- Yes, sir.

Oh-oh.

Oh-oh, what?

Well, I think Mary Jane accidentally
took my short-hand book with her.

Well, get it. Get it.

Get going. Get it.

[commotion in hall]

What, what was that?

You are just hit by
hurricane Lucy, my secretary.

- Your secretary?
- Yeah, yeah.

Thanks for her. I can't
play golf with you, today.

You can't?

Uh... Oh, Harry. This is the second
time this week you canceled out on me.

I know, I know, but no matter how
much I yell, the work never gets done.

Look at that. Look, I keep
yelling and that keeps building up.

Oh... oh... oh. Well, I
know your trouble, Harry.

- What?
- Yelling.

Look at me.

I'm a businessman, right?

I never raised my voice in the
office and all the work gets done.

How?

Because I treat my
secretary like a queen.

I buy her, uh, flowers, candy, and
I always remember her birthday.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
That might do it.

Flowers and candy.

No threatening to
remember her birthday.

Harry, will you stop with the threatening
and try being a nice guy for a while?

I tell you now, you,
you may be right. Yup.

Maybe, I had been just
a little rough on Lucille.

- I think you have.
- Uh-huh.

- But, I'm gonna change.
- Good.

Now, she has been out of
the office for six minutes, but

when she comes back, I'm
only going to dock her for five.

Harry, you are all heart.

Are you sure you can't
keep our golf day today?

Oh no, I'm not with
all this work now.

Well, I'm certainly,
I'm disappointed.

Well, you'll find some
other nice guy to play with.

Well, it's not that. I was
counting on you driving me there.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Why, I didn't know hurricane
struck twice in the same place.

I'm sorry I took so long.

That... that's quite
all right, quite all right.

Uh, my dear. You, you,
you are out of breath.

- Yeah, I know. Mary Jane's office
is on... Oh my goodness... Just relax.

Give me a... here, sit down Lucille,
sit down. Come on, come on, my dear.

Come on. Sit down here. I want you
to relax. You mustn't get out of breath.

There you are. Now,
relax. Are you relaxed?

- Well, I think so.
- Oh, good.

Let’s see now. Uh, there we are.

Now, when you get
comfy, then we'll begin.

- Yeah, well, I'm...
I'm comfy... Good.

- but may nails are still
a teensy-weensy bit wet.

Would it be all right if I, uh, if I
dry them on the fan over there?

The fan?

What a wonderful idea!

By all means, be my guest.

- Yes, go, go, go.
- Thank you, sir.

- That's all right.
- Thank you.

- Get my little abalone pink's all dry.
- Yes.

Oh, Harry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It's quite all right.
It's quite all right.

- Relax, relax.
- But Harry...

- Quite all right. It's all right.
- But I feel awful.

It's all right. It's an accident.
It could happen to anybody.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Anybody at all.

Look, um... it's a little bit early,
but why don't you go to lunch?

- Lunch?
- Yes.

Oh, well, wonderful.

- Oh, when do you want me to come back?
- Never!

Be nice to your secretary!
And what does it get you?

It gets you an office that
looks like the city dump!

What are you looking at?

You got an awful hangnail
there? Do you want me to fix it?

Go! Go! Get out and don't
ever come back! Never!

- But I'm good with
hangnails... Get out! Out!

Yes, yes, Harvey. Yes, I called
her last night and I apologized.

Yes, yes. She'll be back today.

Yeah, I did everything
you've told me to do.

Yes, I went out and got some
exciting presents to surprise her with.

Yeah, don't worry. No, I... I
won't lose my temper again.

I can't afford to.

I'm sorry, sir. I don't care how
much business you have for me.

I cannot discuss it now.
My secretary just came in.

Goodbye sir.

Well, well, how are
you Lucy. Oh, Lucille!

Oh, my goodness, you'll get
that lovely coat all wrinkled.

Oh, allow me to
hang it up for you.

Uh, are you sure you're
not still upset at me?

Oh, well, of
course, not my dear.

Let's let bygones be
bygones, shall we?

And, would you do me a
teensy-weensy little favor?

And go to the file and get
the Dawson account, please?

Ah, well... gee, when you ask so
nice and polite like that, I'd be happy to.

Uh-huh. Good. Good.

Don't, don't, don't
hurry. Take your time.

- Thank you, Mr. Carter.
- Oh, call me Harry.

Thank you, Harry.

I found it.

Oh! Roses!

Yes. Just a little surprise
for a certain secretary

who has given me so
many hours of pleasure.

Oh, how nice.

Who is she? I'll
take them to her?

They... they're for you.

- For me?
- Yes.

- Honest?
- Yeah.

Oh, gosh!

Oh, huh, gee, roses like this,
must cost at least 10 dollars a dozen.

$12.50.

But, for a secretary like
you, it was worth every penny.

Oh, gee, that's sweet.

- Uh!
- What?

I forgot to put
the card in them.

- Oh, that's all right.
- It's over here...

I don't really need the card.

Hi Lucy. Where's the old grouch?

- Right here.
- Oh!

Hold it. Hold it.

Come, come, come, come.

Come, come, come.

No need to panic.

No, no, no. No indeed. No.

Oh, I have raised my voice
around here from time to

time, but the old grouch
is the old grouch no more.

He's right! He's been wonderful.

Oh, yes. I have. I have.

- In fact, I... I... I got flowers...
- Oh! Wow!

Boy, that must have cost a fortune,
but to change him, Lucy, it was worth it.

She didn't buy them for
me! I bought them for her!

Forgive me for raising my voice.

And Mary Jane, I'm very
pleased that you're here.

'Cause now you can share with Lucille
the sheer ecstasy of another exciting gift.

- Another gift for me?
- Yes.

Clo... close your eyes.

- Oh. All right.
- Close your eyes.

- Uh, don't, don't look.
- Nope.

- A... are you ready?
- Yeah. I can hardly wait.

Uh, you can look now.

What do you want
me to do with it?

Well, you can decide
that for yourself later on.

Thank you.

Oh, my goodness. I
have an appointment.

Mary Jane, why
don't you stay here?

You two girls can have a sort of
little cheesy chat to get... Hahaha!

Well, that is absolutely
amazing, the change in that man!

Yeah, I've been thinking about
that. It's gotten me worried.

- Why should he be so nice
to me all of a sudden?
- Oh, well, now, don't get suspicious.

When a man gets a little
older, he usually mellows.

When a man like Harry
gets a little older, he ferments.

- Lucille!
- What?

I almost forgot.

What?

I want you to hire
another secretary.

Another secretary?

Yes. It will make
things easier for you.

Yes. You can break her in
yourself to help you with your work.

Now, you see. You see
how wrong you can be?

He wants you to hire another
girl so you'll have less work.

You mean so I'll have no work.

Now, I know why he's
been so nice to me.

- He wants to replace me.
- Replace you?

He's just keepin' me
happy until I teach some

other girl the rope and
then I'll be out of a job.

Oh Lucy, I never thought about
that. What do you gonna do?

I don't know... yet.

That double crossing
sneaky old goat.

But now, I know
where to put his picture.

Uh, now, Miss, I had
interviewed eight secretaries

so far this morning.
Most are very poor typists.

I do hope that you're a lot better
than the rest. Please sit down.

- Now, then, are you ready?
- Yes, I'm ready.

All right.

Go.

Thank you very much.

[telephone ringing]

Carter's Unique
Employment Agency.

Oh, hi.

Yeah, Mary Jane. Oh, the
new girls. They're terrible.

They all take dictation
at machine g*n speed.

I just walked out of
the office who typed

the Gettysburg address
in less than a minute.

She ought to be
ashamed of herself.

Mom, guess what? I got the part!

Oh, Mary Jane. Kim, just
came in. I'll talk to you later.

What's this about a part?

Oh, not A part, mom, The part.
The part in the theater group play.

I got it. I got it!

Well, congratulations
baby! That's wonderful.

What kind of a part is it?

Well, it's a comedy play. And
I play the part of a secretary.

And I'm a real dumb bunny,
you know. I goof up everything.

I'm incompetent and
inefficient and dim with it.

- Yeah. Oh, that sounds like a fun part.
- Oh, it is a great character.

So, I figured if I can hang
around here for a while,

I might be able to pick
up some pointers from you.

Oh, well mom, I didn't
mean it to sound like that.

What in that was I thought maybe
you could be my technical adviser?

- Well... - Well, look honey.

I'm kind of busy right now.

I'll be glad to help
you tonight at home.

Oh, well, OK, Mom. I guess so.

All right, darling. See
you later. Bye bye.

Thanks, bye bye.

Hey, Kim!

What?

Come here.

- Yeah?
- Listen.

Did you say you're supposed
to play the part of a secretary

- who's sort of goofs up everything
all the time?
- Yeah.

- Someone who's kind of
stupid and incompetent.
- Yep.

Well, now, honey.

You can get your practice
playing that secretary right here

in this office and what's more,
you're gonna get paid for it.

Mom, what are you talking about?

Listen.

Your Uncle Harry is doing
something very sneaky

to me and I wanna teach
the old sneak a lesson.

Now, you listen.

Now, you listen and
do what I tell you...

Lucille!

Yes.

Your friendly employer is here
for another cheery day's work.

- And your friendly
secretary is eager to get started.
- Good, good, good.

Have you hired a new girl yet?

- Yes, but may I say it was not easy.
- Oh.

You have no idea
how many girls I had to

interview before I
found just the right one.

Oh. Well, whe... where is she?

Well, I sent her to the post
office to buy a roll of 500 stamps.

Good. Good.

That is precisely the
reason I wanted you to hire

another girl... to take
the pressure off you.

After all, we're not as
young as we used to be.

I'm not as young
I we used to be.

You're not as young
as I used to be.

You should have quit
when you were ahead.

Uh, excuse me a minute.

I'm back, dearie.

Is my new boss here yet?

Well, yes. As a matter of fact, you're
new boss is here. This is Mr. Carter.

Oh, for heaven's sake!

Oh, what a surprise!

Uh, uh, sur... surprise?

I had no idea we were working
for a boss who is so Cary Grant-ish.

That's very sweet of you my
dear. But, uh, I can't agree with you.

No, most people think I
look more like Jack Lemmon.

- I understand you went to the
post office, Miss...?
- Shopenhauer.

- Shoiley Shopenhauer.
- Oh!

Oh, I did go to
the post office, yes.

Uh, huh, and did
you get the stamps?

Oh, yes I soitently did.



See?

Uh, uh. I... I thought they
gave them to you in a roll.

Well they did, but I wanted to make sure
they didn't cheat you. So I counted them.

- They're all there.
- Oh. Thank you so much. Thank you.

Lucille, will you take care
of the stamps, please?

- And now, Miss...?
- Shopenhauer. Shoiley Shopenhauer.

Uh, Miss, uh, but... yeah. If
you'll come over here to my desk...

Now, this... this is, uh, where
we will put your typewriter

until we can get you a
permanent desk, you see, right?

Oh, that's adorable!

Adorable.

And, uh, and down
there in that drawer, we

have the carbon paper
and your typing paper.

I'll show you. See.

Oh... I'm so sorry about that.

That's quite... quite all right.

- Accidents will happen.
- Yeah.

- Now, Miss, um...
- Shopenhauer.

If you'll follow me
over to the files, please.

- Now, in this drawer,
we keep the new accounts.
- Uh-huh.

And then in this drawer,
we have the old accounts.

And then, we have
copies of everything over

there. You see, we do
everything in duplicate.

Which drawer?

Well, it's that one over
there, as a matter of fact.

Oh no! Oh, I'm
so... oh, I'm so sorry.

I see that you do
everything in duplicate, too.

Oh, hey, that's a funny joke.

- Oh, he's a regular Milton Boil.
- Yes, I... I told you Mr. Carter
is a wonderful boss.

- Well, thank you very much, Lucille.
- Yeah.

Uh... Oh, where's
our other typewriter?

Oh, it's in the
stockroom. I'll get it, sir.

Thank you.

You know, Mr. Carter,
you're very nice.

Most bosses are just machines,
but you are a real human being.

- Here they are.
- Oh, thank you.

- Oh and let me help you.
- Oh, no, I'm OK.

- Oh, but I insist.
- But, I'm OK.

- Oh really. Well, OK.
- If you insist.

Aw, what a catastrophe!

Wait a minute. I'll get a chair and
you sit down and I'll look at your foot.

Here. Sit down right here.

Maybe here...

What happened? What happened?

You fall down, go boom.

I know I fall down, go boom!

Well, as you say, accidents
will happen. Let me help you up.

- Let me help you, Mr. Carter.
- All right, all right.

What are you trying to do?
Help me up or tear me apart!

Please let go. I can
get up by myself.

Oh, Mr. Carter. Why don't you sit down
and relax and smoke one of your pipes.

Oh, yeah. Why don't you do that?

Oh, for heaven's sake.
Your ashtray is a mess.

Don't apologize. It was
all my fault. I assure you.

Which one is his favorite pipe?

- Oh, it's, uh, it's this
antique one with a hand carving.
- Oh.

Right there.

Oh. I don't know what to say.

Well, I don't, but
I can't say it here.

- That's my favorite pipe?
- Oh, now, now. Calm down.

Don't get your blood boiling.

I'll fix your pipe. Do
you have some glue?

Glue? For a Meerschaum pipe.

Oh, oh look at
all these ashes...

Oh, don't worry, don't
worry, don't worry.

I'll clean everything up.

Oh, I did it again.
I'm such a klutz.

- Do you have any new blotters?
- Ah, they're in there, dear.

She was... she was
the best of the lot?

- Yeah. Yes and we're lucky to get her.
- Oh!

- She's only taking this job temporarily.
- Temporarily?

Yeah, 'til her boss
gets out of the hospital.

She's really very
much in demand.

For what? Wrecking crews.

Uh, I... I hesitate to ask this, but
how are you at taking dictation?

- Dictation?
- Yeah.

You know, you...
writing shorthand.

Oh, you mean all those
squiggly things you put on paper?

Oh, I love to do that.

Go ahead. You
talk. I'll squiggle.

You'll squiggle?

Uh-huh. Now, now, I have
a letter to dictate, Charlie?

- The name is Shoiley.
- All right, all right.

- Are you ready to
start squiggling, Shoiley?
- Yeah.

Good.

But I don't have a pad.

Oh, here. You take my pad.

- I'll get another one.
- Thanks, dearie.

Now then... this goes to
Robert Carlton Enterprises.

Uh, dear Bob... I... I was...

Carter's Eunuch
Employment Agency.

- That's Unique! Unique!
- Aw!

Just give me the... oh God.

Give me that.

Hello, hello. Hello?

They've hung up.

That might have been
a very important call.

Oh, indubitably.

Oh. I... I got to
take a tranquilizer.

Aw, you take pills?

Indubitably.

- The water bottle is empty again.
- Oh, I'll get it, sir.

No, thank you! You've
done enough for me all ready.

Just take this and get out. Out.

Oh here. Let me help you.

I can do it. I can do it.

Please put...

Down! Put your end down!
Will you put your end down!

- Wait a minute. I'll get a blotter.
- Hold it.

I have had it. This is the end.

I am sick and tired of being
Mr. Nice Guy around here.

As for you Lucille,
you are going to work

harder than ever and
without any assistance.

And as for you, you're
finished, through!

You mean I'm fired?

You soitenly are, Shoiley!

Here. I'm gonna give
you 10 dollars and get out.

I only have a 20-dollar
bill, well, take it and go! Go!

Thanks, Uncle Harry.

Lucille, in the future, if I
am gonna do anything nice

for you, then you better
tell me, to... Uncle Harry!

- Lucille!
- I'll be with you in a minute.

- What are you doing?!
- I'm writing a suicide note.

- Make it for two.
- Yeah, yeah.