02x15 - Lucy the Helpful Mother

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy.

Starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz, and Desi Arnaz, Jr.

Good morning, Harry.

Where have you been?

What?

You heard me.

Where have you been?

But, I'm five minutes early.
It's just five minutes to 9. See.

- The big hand is on 11 and...
- I know how to tell time.

Lucille, I needed to reach you last night.
I called your house and the line was busy.

Oh, really? I seldom
use the phone at night.

Well, I tried and tried and tried and
all I got was a continuous busy signal.

Are you sure you
dialed the right number?

"Are you sure you
dialed the right number?"

Yes, I'm sure! KL58231.

Yeah, that's my number.

I know it is! I know it is.

Last night, I dialed it
nearly a thousand times.

- Oh, Harry. You're exaggerating.
- Oh, I am.

I'm exaggerating. All
right, look. Look at that.

So swollen I can't bend it.

Thanks to you, I
have a rigid digit.

Hahaha!

What is so funny?

If you dialed with this finger,
you'd have a kinky pinkie.

Oh, please, please. I'm in enough
pain without your corny jokes.

- Now, will you please get to work.
- Yeah.

I said, get to work.

But Harry, it's still just
a half minute before 9.

- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- It's all right.

Oh, forgive me for
being such a brute.

- No, no, you're not Harry.
- Well, then you do forgive me, then?

- Of course, I do.
- Oh, that's very sweet of you.

- Let's, uh, synchronize our watches.
- What?

Let's synchronize our watches.

What for?

Oh, so that I could
start the count down.

Five, four, three, two, one.

Blast off!

Get to work! Give me the
Carlstone file right away.

I need all the information I can
get on the Carlstone account.

Hurry up. On the double.

Let's get going, now...

Steve, how'd you like it?

Oh... Oh, I'll play
another one. Hold on.

Craig!

Craig!

Buddy Rich!

I want to use the phone.

It's my turn. You've just been
on the phone for a solid hour.

Well, that's right, but I wasn't wasting
time beating those dumb drums.

I was discussing
something important.

Oh, important.

What's so important
about what colored

lipstick you should wear
with your pink dress?

Now, Craig, that's enough of your
snide remarks. I insist on using the phone.

You'll use it when I'm through.

I'm through.

- Hi.
- Hi mom.

Mother, I wanna talk
to you about the phone.

Well, that's exactly what
I wanna talk to you about.

Oh?

Yes, you have been using the
phone entirely too much lately.

That's just what I've
been telling her, mom.

Oh, now, Craig, just a second.
You'll use it as much as I do.

- I do not.
- You do, too.

I don't. I never used the phone.

All right, all right,
all right. Hold it, kids.

Last night, Uncle Harry tried to get me
and you kids kept the phone busy for hours.

- We did?
- Right.

- For hours?
- Right.

- We're gonna have to
do something about it.
- Right.

- We'll just have to get our own phones.
- Wrong.

We are going to restrict the number
of calls and the length of each call.

Oh, mother, for heaven's sakes.
You're treating us like children.

Well...

I assure you I only use
the phone for emergency.

[telephone ringing]

Hello.

Oh, yes, yes, I'll tell her.

Who called?

Your emergency.

Use Sunset Glow lipstick
with your pink dress.

Mother, I still think we
should have our own phones.

Yeah, mom. All the
kids in school have them.

Yeah.

When I was your
age, I didn't have one.

Well, did you have phones then?

No, we used smoke signals.

Mom, supposed we earn
enough money to pay for

our own phones, would
you let us have them?

How would you earn the money?

- Well, we can get some part-time jobs.
- Yeah.

[telephone and doorbell ring]

Kim, you get the door.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Mary Jane. No, no
honey, Wednesday night is out.

We're supposed to play bridge.

I know we played bridge
Tuesday so we changed Tuesdays

to bowling because Thursdays
were inconvenient, remember?

Yeah, but we only did that for one
week because Hilda had a date that night.

We can't play bridge without Hilda. She's
the only one who knows how to keep score.

"Oh, I seldom use
the phone at night."

I have been trying to reach you
for over an hour, Mrs. Blabbermouth.

Oh, if Alexander Graham
Bell had ever seen your

mouth in action, he would
have invented lockjaw.

Oh Harry...

Lucille, Mr. Carlstone
wants those contracts

- so we will have to go back to
the office and finish them.
- All right, all right.

Right now.

- Now, look, Mary Jane...
- Come on, come on!

All right.

Hi, mom.

Good heavens!

Is this my house or
the San Diego Zoo?

Craig, what in the
world is going on here?

Well, earning a little extra
money for our phones.

Kim's babysitting
with all these animals.

Babysitting with animals?

Yup, the owner of the
pet shop had to leave

town for a couple of days
with a money business.

Monkey business?

Yeah. He's buying some monkeys.

Now, what are you doing,
auditioning for New Year's eve?

No, I'm earning a few
extra bucks by blowing

up 500 of these for
the school dance.

Oh. What's all this?

Oh, that's for
Herbie's Hobbie Shop.

He's paying me to glue 50 of those
wings on those model airplanes.

Now, you did it again, stupid.

[parrot] You did
it again, stupid.

What was that?

That's Radish, the parrot.

- Radish?
- Yeah, they call him Radish
because he repeats everything.

Repeats everything.
Repeats everything.

OK, OK. I heard you.

Hi, mom.

Hi. What have you got there?

Just a little skunk.

Oh, well, it's an... a skunk?

Get that out of the house.

- Mom!
- No arguments. Get it out
while we're head.

The idea of bringing
a skunk home.

Mother, he's been deodorized.

- He's been what?
- Deodorized.

You know that and I know
that, but does he know that?

Believe me, mom, he's OK.

Well, he is, uh, kind of cute.

Hi there.

Uh, you've, uh, you... you've been
deodorized, remember your manners.

- What's his name?
- Breath of Spring.

- Oh, you have got to be kidding.
- You've got to be kidding.

You did it again, stupid.

Oh, shut up. Oh, shut up.

- Who is that?
- That's Bruce. He's a minor bird.

Minor bird. Minor
bird. Minor bird.

Well, hello Bruce.

Get away kid. You bother me.

Well...

- Good heaven! Oh, what is that?
- It's a baby leopard. Come here, honey.

Uh baby, what's
that you're feeding it?

- Tiger's milk.
- It figures.

Tiger's milk. What's this?

Well, that's the
ring-tailed cat.

A cat with rings
around its tail.

Listen, Kim. How do you propose
taking care of all of these creatures?

Oh, that will be easy.

I'll just get up a little earlier
every morning and feed them

and then I'll rush home every afternoon
from school and feed them again.

Oh... and, uh, when do
you, uh, intend to clean them?

- Uh, there go my nights.
- Yeah. That's right.

Well, at least, as long as you accept
the responsibility, I guess it's all right.

Well, mom, there... there is
just one teensy-weensy problem.

Oh, what's that?

Irving.

Irving? Who's Irving?

Just a minute, mom.

Who's Irving?

Craig, who's Irving?

Uh-huh, uh, sorry, mom,
that's not my department.

Just balloons. That's
all I... I care about.

But, Craig, I want to
know who Irving is?

Who's Irving? Who's
Irving? Who's Irving?

All right, all right, all right.
Any questions around here.

That's Irving.

- That's Irving?
- Yeah.

Oh, he's cute.

Well, hello there.

You are a cutie.

Look at that little sweet-faced
and those big brown eyes.

Well, hello there.

Oh my goodness!

Well, well, you are the
cutest, Irving, I ever saw.

I'm glad you like him mom because like I
was saying he's, uh, teensy-weensy problem.

Oh, why, dear?

Well, Irving's just a baby,
mom, and he needs constant

care and I cannot... And I
can't leave him alone at home.

- Of course not.
- And I couldn't take
him to school with me.

- Of course, you couldn't.
- So, you wouldn't mind taking
him to the office, would you?

- Of course not.
- Oh, good, thanks, mom.

You're a cutie pie.
Hey, give me a kiss.

Give me a kiss.

Hey, what did I say?

What did I do?

You did it again, stupid.

Good morning, Harry.

Good morning. Lucille, I...

Another baby at your age?

Now, Harry, it's a chimp.

Yes, but what are
you doing with it?

Well, Kim is taking
care of it to earn some

money so I'm stuck with
it while she's at school.

Well, may I remind you that
this is an office, not a menagerie?

Oh, Harry, it's
just for the day.

- Well, I hope it won't
interfere with your work.
- It won't.

Good. Because Mr. Carlstone
returned the contracts.

They have to be revised
and retyped by tonight.

- Don't worry, I'll do it.
- Good. Good.

Whoops!

What... what's
that? What's that?

Time for milk break.

- A milk break?
- Yeah.

Since when do you
take a milk break?

It's not for me.
It's for Irving.

Irving?

Lucille, this is a business office,
not a home for motherless monks.

Oh, Harry, don't talk like
that. You'll hurt his feelings.

What feelings? He's
just a dumb animal.

Dumb?

Scientists say that a chimp
is the smartest animal there is.

Why, a chimp can... can... can be
taught to be typed 20 words a minute.

- Twenty words a minute?
- Mm-Hmm.

I wonder if he could
take short-hand.

- Oh, now, Harry.
- Yeah, well, all right.

- Will... will you get busy
typing these contracts, please?
- Yes.

[chimp burps]

Oh, you had a big burp.

Yeah. him feel better now? Yes.

Burping a chimp?

Well, uh, next thing I know
you'll be diapering him.

Oh, I'm glad you reminded
me. Boy, I almost forgot.

Now, now, now, now.
Lie down in a minute.

Oh, yes. Yes, I forgot about it.

Lie down, Irving.
Lie down, Irving.

Irving, you don't
have to lie down.

Here, you better hold that.

I know but believe me. What
she sees in him, I'll never know.

Well, uh, tell
me about it, Tina.

But, I just don't know if I'd wanna go out
with a boy whose hair is longer than mine.

[alarm ringing] What are
you doing Friday night?

I don't... I just don't
care if... [crosstalk]

We're playing a game Saturday.

- How about Sunday?
- That doesn't interest me.

[phone continues ringing]
You're doing July 4th?

Hello? Hello? Just a
second. Kim, it's for you.

- Who is it?
- Who is it?

- It's Alan.
- Well, tell him I'll call him back later.

She'll call you
back later, Alan.

Will you hung up those
phones? You've got work to do.

- But mother.
- Will you hang up those phones?!

- Oh, I'll talk to you later.
- Bye.

Craig, please finish those airplanes. I
don't want them around here forever.

OK, mom, all right.

Kim, I think you better
take Irving. If I don't

finish these contracts,
Harry will k*ll me.

I can't mom. I have to feed the fish and
Irving might stick his hand in the tank.

So what? The
water won't hurt him.

Yes, it will. There
are piranhas in there.

Piranhas?

- Oh, what are you feeding 'em?
- Hamburger.

Hamburger?

Oh no!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! I don't believe it.

Oh, oh, good heavens.

From now on Kim, when you
feed them, you wear boxing gloves.

Piranhas!

Oh, oh, good heavens.

All right, settle down, Irving.

I don't wanna make
any more mistakes.

Irving, Irving.

Mistakes, mistakes.

Irving, Irving.

Oh, shut up, stupid Irving.

Irving, Irving.

Oh, Kim... Kim, feed those birds.
Maybe, that will keep them quiet.

OK.

Oh, for heaven's sakes,
I'm all out of bird seed.

You did it again, stupid.

- Enough out of you.
- Enough out of you.

Mom, I have to go down to
catch up and get some more.

OK, dear.

[telephone ringing]
Nah, that's my phone.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Tom.

Yeah, I've got the rest of the balloons
finished. OK, I'll bring them over now.

Mom, I got to take the
rest of the balloons over to

the school. They're gonna
start decorating the place.

OK.

See you later.

OK, Craig.

Oh, Craig...

You did it again, stupid.

Oh, will you be quiet, smarty.

Smarty? I can talk. Can you fly?

[telephone ringing]

Oh, those phones.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- Who is this?
- Who is this?

Oh, for heaven's sake.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Will you be quiet.

Hello.

Oh, hello, Harry.

Of course, I'm
typing up the papers.

It's almost done.

Yes, Harry. That will
be finished tonight.

Of course, they'll be
finished you fathead.

Of course, they'll be
finished you fathead.

Oh no, no, Harry.

No. That's just
your imagination.

Why in the world would
I call you a fathead?

- Fathead, fathead, fathead.
- Oh, shut up.

No, not you, Harry.

Look, I promised the contracts
will be completed tonight.

Yes, Harry. Good bye.

Good bye, fathead.

Listen, one more crap out of you, I'm
gonna wash your beak out with soap.

- Oh... Oh...
- Bla, bla.

Irving, I just think I get a lot more
work done without you around my neck.

Besides, it's time for
you to go beddy-bye, huh?

How about it?

Oh... huh, you wanna
go beddy-bye? Do you?

All right, come here.
Come here, baby.

Come on here, now.

What's the matter, what happened?
What happened? You hurt your foot?

Oh, let's away
from the piranhas.

Now come on. This
is no time to play.

We're gonna go beddy-bye.

Come on now, turn around.

Take your bottle. Go on.

All right.

Come on, lie down
for a change, relax.

Here. Put your head down.

That's a good boy.

Now, then

[singing] rock-a-bye
Irving, hart to my chant,

you're kind of cute, but
you know, Cary Grant.

Rock-a-bye Irving,
sweet little chimp.

[telephone ringing] Oh...

Hello.

Yeah, Craig.

Fifty more airplanes
by tomorrow morning?

Well, that's great.

You better get home
and get started on them.

What?

Oh, Craig. Listen, I got enough to
do and I've got to finish my typing.

Well, honey, if it's that important, OK,
I'll get them started but you hurry back.

All right.

You're gonna have
to put yourself to sleep.

You're gonna have to go
beddy-bye all by yourself, OK?

Now, you lie right down here.

Right down there.

Come on, lie down.

You go beddy-bye now,
here. You go beddy-bye.

Give me a kiss.

Stupid, Irving. Stupid, Irving.

Time for you all
to go beddy-bye.

There.

Now, then... I guess, you're
not gonna go sleep, huh?

Well, come on with me over
here. I got work to do over here.

Let me take the bottle a minute.

Thatta boy.

Come on. You could
give it up for a second.

Just a minute.

Wait up here, on my back.

Get around here. Ugh! This is
the only way I can do my work.

Hang on, here.

Take your bottle. Hang on tight.

'Cause I have to
blew some airplanes.

You're choking me, oh, Irving.

You are choking me.

OK, see what I'm
making? See the airplanes?

And I put the glue,
um, like that, and I put

the glue like that,
and then I do like that...

Oh, what have
I-Oh, look at this.

Oh no!

Oh, I spilled the glue all over
the place... [telephone ringing]

Oh... heavens!

Oh... oh... oh,
which phone is it?

Hello.

Oh, hi Kim.

What?

You had the wrong keys
in the shop and you what?

You set off the burglar alarm.

The police...

And this is the one phone
call they allowed you?

Oh, Kim... oh,
[telephone ringing]

Kim, don't go away, the
other phone is ringing.

Hang on.

Hello. Hello, Craig.

Look, I can't talk to you
now. I'm talking to Kim.

I can't help it if you're
in a hurry. Kim's in jail.

Kim, are you still
there? Hold on.

Craig, listen.

I spilled some of that airplane glue and
now the phones are stuck in my hands.

Yeah, how can I
get the glue off?

Turpentine?

Where is it?

Oh, we don't have any.

Now, Craig... Craig, for heaven's
sake, come home, will you? I need you.

[telephone ringing]

Hello?

Yes, this is Mrs. Carter.

No! I'm not interested
in a cemetery plot.

Call back in half an
hour. I may be ready.

Oh, hello. Kim?

Who's this? Officer O'Riley.

Where is my daughter?

Oh... well, thank
you for letting her go.

Thank you. You're a nice fuzz.

[doorbell ringing] Who is it?

It's me, Harry. Open the door.

Ugh... I can't. Oh...
come through the window.

Oh, I can't wait to hear
your excuse for this.

Oh... now, I see why you
can't come to the front door.

A phone at each ear and a mouth
big enough for the both of them.

You're a big mouth.
You're a big mouth.

- Who said that? Who said that?
- That's Radish. She repeats everything.

- Oh, look-
Did you finish the contract?
- Yes.

- Give it to me.
- I can't.

- Why not?
- Because I'm glued to the phone.

You've been glued to
the phone for weeks!

- That's why I'm even in touch with you.
- No, Harry, but I really am.

- See. I dumped the glue. See?
- Oh.

- Well, where are the contracts?
- Over there.

Over there.
I'll—I'll—I'll get them.

Yeah, get them fathead. Fathead.

- Oh, Lucille...
- Get it, Fathead. Get it, Fathead.

Oh... Lucille, what
you do in your own

house on your own time
is your own business,

but only a crook like you would
turn her home into a jungle like this.

Just look at it. Well...
Look at all these animals.

Look at them. Why all
these, uh, birds everywhere?

Heaven knows what
you've got in there?

- Well... Oh...
- Uh... don't!

- What's in there?
- Piranhas!

- Piranhas!
- Yeah!

- Here, take Irving! Take Irving!
- That's all I need is Irving.

Irving... Oh... what
are you doing?

What is it? What is it?
What are they doing?

Oh no. My contracts.
You've done it again!

[telephone ringing]