02x16 - Lucy and Liberace

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy!

Starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz, and Desi Arnaz, Jr.

Yeah, this is my
house all right.

Craig?

Kim?

Hi, mom. Are you home?

No, this is a recording.

Come in here a minute.

- Hi!
- What is all of this?

Have we just been
appointed official city dump?

No. These are stuff Craig had to
collect for his initiation into his club.

Well, does he have to
keep it in the living room?

This cuspidor doesn't
happen to match my ashtrays.

Well, he's just collecting it here
before he takes them over to the club.

- Where is Craig?
- Out getting more stuff.

More? You got to be
kidding! Oh, look at this junk!

Well, you better watch
those calories lady.

Well, if it isn't our
neighborhood witch doctor!

Isn't this is nice? He
makes house calls.

Hi.

Where are you
getting all these stuff?

Well, I got these from
Professor Hartkins. He

loaned it to me from
his private collection.

And the rest of it, I picked up from
junkyards and second-hand shops.

You know mom, you'll be surprised how glad
people were to get rid of all this stuff.

Well, you'd be surprised how glad I'm
going to be to get rid of all this stuff.

How many more things
do you have to get?

Just one. But that's
going to be the toughest.

What is it?

Well, mom I'm superstitious
and I don't want to tell you

about it because I think I
might put a hex on myself.

But you'll see it when I get it.

What happens
if you don't get it?

Oh, listen if I don't
get it, I'm going to goof

the whole initiation. I
won't get into the club.

So, everybody cross
your fingers for me.

- I guess, you think I'm a
ding-a-ling, huh mom?
- No, not a bit.

I can remember when I was being initiated
into my high school club, The Swingers.

- The Swingers? Wow!
- Oh, why mom! We didn't know.

We were all on the gym team.
We did our swinging from a trapeze.

- Must have been some group.
- Never mind. We were a cute bunch.

Of course, some of the
girls' arms got a little too long.

Oh, I'll never forget what
they made me get for my

initiation: a personally
autographed picture of Rudy Vallee.

- Rudy Vallee?
- Who's Rudy Vallee?

Boy, there is a generation gap.

- He was a big star!
- Oh?

Oh, well I'm off
ladies. Wish me luck!

- OK.
- Craig, aren't you even going to give
us a clue about what you have to get?

No! All I can say is it's like
something mom had to do.

It involves a big star. Ciao!

Hmm, a star. I
wonder who it could be.

Yeah. Hey, maybe it's
Engelbert Humperdinck!

What's an Engelbert Dumperdinck?

Oh, there goes that
generation gap again.

Your tailor is here, sir!

Oh, show him right in Williams.

Shall I remove the drums, sir?

Oh no. You better leave them.

- We're going to have
more auditions tomorrow.
- Very good, sir.

Ah, buongiorno, Mr. Liberace!

Buongiorno!

Good morning, Carlo!

Good morning, good
morning! Well, here it is, the

new wardrobe that I
created for your TV special.

Oh, I'm anxious to see it.

Permit me first to show
you this beautiful jacket, huh?

Look at that!

Wow!

I make it. Please,
try this on, all right?

Here, let me help
you. There we are.

This is for your opening number.

Oh boy!

With this, I may not
need an opening number.

Let me look! Oh!

[speaking Italian]
Oh, that's you, all right!

I hope you meant that kindly.

Well, I'll say one thing
about it, if I ever get

tired of it, I can always
enter it in the flower show.

- What else do you have, Carlo?
- Oh, next you wouldn't believe.

I have outdone myself.

Mr. Liberace,
here is your formal.

- Wow! Oh boy, I like that.
- Please, try this one out.

- How do you like that?
- Oh boy!

- That's really dazzling.
- I know.

When I was sewing on the sequins,
I get to wear the smoke glasses.

I better get my audiences
insured for snow blindness.

Excuse me, sir.

There's a young gentleman
here to see you, a Mr. Craig Carter.

Craig Carter?

You don't know him, sir but he said
it's personal and rather important.

- All right, show him in.
- Very good, sir.

Now, Mr. Liberace, this next one
is something very, very special.

- But I already have a gold one.
- Yes I know but in order to appreciate
this one, you must see it in the dark.

- In the dark?
- Si!

This already turned
them on in Pasadena.

Oh, but of course. That was
shocking when I got the idea there.

- Mr. Craig Carter.
- All right, show him in.

Well, it's something,
I must say.

- Oh, how are you doing, young man?
- Oh, thanks for seeing me Mr. Liberace.

Wow!

We're a success, Carlo.
He noticed the jacket.

I'll tell you what? I may
wear this one tomorrow so you

better take it out and have
the batteries recharged.

Oh, si si, Mr. Liberace.
Arivaderchi

What can I do for you?

Well, sir, I'm being initiated
into my high school club

and part of my initiation,
the most important

part is to bring back
one of your candelabras.

Oh, gee, another
milestone in my career.

I'm part of a scavenger hunt.

I know it's asking a lot, sir,
but I only want to borrow it

and I promise to return it
right after the initiation is over.

I had no idea I had a
following in high schools.

Oh, you're real popular.
Hey, we dig a guy with nerve.

- Nerve?
- Anyone who can wear clothes so
way out has got to be way in.

- That means you like my jackets.
- Oh, I think they're groovy!

Well, let me show you this one
here. What do you think of this?

Now, that's great.

- That sure sparkles.
- Doesn't it.

- You know how I keep it so sparkly?
- How?

I brush it with my toothpaste.

With a wardrobe like
this, I don't need big jokes.

That's very funny stuff.

Did you always go in
for sort of wild clothes?

Oh yes.

When I was at the Boy Scouts,
I wore sequined merits badges.

- You're putting me on.
- Yes, I am.

I'm just trying out some of my nightclub
routine on you. I hope you don't mind.

Oh, no, sir, not at all.

Not as long as you don't
forget about the candelabra.

- Oh, I'd be happy to let you borrow that.
- Oh, thanks.

- Here you are.
- Oh, thanks so much and I
promise to take good care of it.

I'll return it right after
the initiation is over.

Don't worry. I've got
closets full of them.

Hey, if Los Angeles ever had a
blackout, you can light the whole city!

Mom! Kim! Anybody home?

[telephone ringing]

Hello? Yeah, hi Bill.

Oh yeah? OK, I'll be
right over. Bye-bye.

Oh boy.

Sure is frustrating. You got to all
those sales and you don't find a thing.

Yeah, well look at the bright
side. Where else could we

get all that exercise and
save money at the same time?

[doorbell ringing] Who's that?

Probably Craig loaded down with that
something he had to get from a big star.

Maybe he's got his arms
full of Jackie Gleason.

- Oh, hi, Uncle Harry.
- Hello dear, how are you?

- Hello Lucille.
- Hi Harry.

What... what have we here?

Are you redecorating the
house in early Salvation Army?

No, Harry.

This is just the stuff that Craig
had to collet for his initiation.

For his initiation,
oh my, my, my.

That takes me back to my
old college fraternity days.

Did I ever tell you that I'm a
member of Delta Delta Tau?

Yes, Harry.

Delta Delta Tau, the
best you ever saw, we

stick by one another to
each and every brother.

Ever true to the good old DDT.

DDT, you could have
sprayed a little on that song.

Oh, that wasn't
very nice, Lucille.

And what do we owe
the honor of this visit?

Oh, I guess I just felt
the urge to be with family.

Oh, well, it's very
nice to come to see us.

Well, now that I'm here, can I help
you with any of the household chores?

- Household chores?
- Oh yes, are all your
appliances in good working order?

Yeah, they're all
working fine, thank you.

- How about your portable typewriter?
- Perfect shape.

Good, good because I have
some typing I want you to do for me.

Oh, of all the
underhanded approaches!

- Now, look, it won't take long and
you're not doing anything anyway.
- It's my day off and I won't do it.

Now, Lucille, it's
important, please!

Well, all right. I'll
get the typewriter.

That's a good girl.

- I'll get it for you, mom.
- Thank you, dear.

Oh look! I don't remember
seeing this before.

Gee, neither do I and this
is certainly no piece of junk.

Yeah. Look, it has
an inscription on it.

- It says, "To Liberace!"
- Liberace?!

Yeah. "From his senior citizens fan
club in Pismo Beach." That's what it says.

Well, I guess that
solves the mystery. That

must be what Craig
had to get from a big star.

Yeah, but it brings up another
mystery. Just how did he get it? Craig?

Craig? Craig?

Mom, he probably just
went over to Mr. Liberace's

house and asked him
for one of his candelabras.

Fat chance. Liberace wouldn't
give away a thing like that.

Oh, that's true, no.
This is solid silver.

He probably just borrowed it.

Well, I wonder if he borrowed it without
telling Mr. Liberace he borrowed it.

Oh, I don't think so. No, I think it
must have been just a boyish prank.

Well, I don't like
boyish pranks like this!

Mom, it's nothing to
be concerned about.

I'm sure he'll return it as
soon as the initiation is over.

Yeah, but in the meantime, probably
Liberace doesn't know he borrowed it.

- Harry, we have got to get that back in
Liberace's house before he misses it.
- Yeah... we???

Well, if I'm going to
sneak into a strange man's

home, I certainly am
not going to do it alone.

I know when I'm trapped.

Lead, kindly light.

[telephone ringing]

[shoes squeaking]

Take your shoes off.

Why you'd sure be a goof
ball on Mission Impossible.

This isn't exactly
my line, you know.

- I didn't graduate from cat burglar tech!
- Shhh.

Put it over there.

[squeaking continues]

Your toes need oiling.

Now, come on, come on, come on.

[grandfather clock ringing]

Oh, that almost
scared me to death.

- Didn't do me much good either.
- Come on! Get going. Go on.

[squeaking continues]

All of my life I have worn
conservative business suits.

- I have just got to try one of those!
- Harry!

Oh, don't try to stop
me. No don't stop me.

You're crazy or something!

For the first time in my life, I'm
going to be doing my own thing.

- This is no time for a fashion show.
- Oh, I don't care what time it is.

Oh, look at that!

What do you think?

Just keep away from fireflies
during their mating season.

- Oh Mr. Liberace!
- Oh!

Oh, Mr. Liberace, we were
just... weren't we, Harry?

Yes, we were just... yeah.

We're sorry about
it but we were just

carried away. Your
clothes are so beautiful.

- Yes.
- We just couldn't control ourselves.

- Well, thanks. They kind of grab me too.
- Oh.

I'm surprised Williams
didn't announce you.

Why didn't Williams
announced us?

Well, that's Williams for you.

Well, it really doesn't matter but you're
a day ahead of time for the auditions.

I beg your pardon?

The auditions for my TV special.

They're not until tomorrow.
You're a day ahead of time.

Oh yes. I guess we... I guess
we did get the day mixed up.

Well, nice seeing you,
Mr. Liberace. We'll see you tomorrow.

Yes, tomorrow. We will see you.

Just a minute, as long as you're
here, why don't you audition now?

Audition now?

Well, thank you very much
indeed, but we have to get back.

- Come along, Lucille. Come on.
- I won't hear of it.

Now, what number would
you like me to play for you?

You mean you would play for us?

Well, my piano teacher gave
me a gold start for accompaniment.

Now, what song do you want?

Well, Lucille, we better go.

Listen, we can do that number that
we did together at the Kiwanis Capers.

Now, Lucille, we've got to
get out of there. Now, come on!

This is the chance to be
on coast-to-coast television.

Mr. Liberace, do you
know "By the light of the

Silvery Moon" in E flat and
short of a Scottish tempo?

- I think I can handle that.
- Well, then try it, please.

♪♪

He's quite good.

♪ Singing duet ♪
By the light of the silvery moon.

I want to swoon.

To my honey I'll
croon love's tune.

Honey moon, keep
a-shinin' in June.

Your silvery beams will bring
love's dreams, We'll be cuddlin' soon,

By the silvery moon.

- By the light... Not
the dark but the light.

- Of the silvery moon - - I said the
moon, not the sun, but the moon.

- I want to swoon.
- You'll find a swoon under the moon.

To my honey I'll
croon love's tune.

- Honey moon.
- Off to Niagara we honeymoon soon.

- Keep a-shinin' in June - Not
early in May or December but June.

Your silvery beams will bring
love's dreams We'll be cuddlin' soon.

By the silvery moon.

Your silvery beams will bring
love's dreams We'll be cuddlin' soon.

- By the silvery moon.
- Bye the silvery moon.

- Oh, it's, Craig.
- Oh!

What are doing back so soon?

Well, I came back to
borrow the candelabra again.

Well, I didn't know it was
here. How did it get back?

- Well, hasn't my mother told you?
- Your mother?

I had a hunch it wasn't you.

That's my uncle Harry
and this is my sister, Kim.

- Yeah, hi.
- Hi!

I love family reunions
but why in my house?

Well, you see, Mr. Liberace,
I thought Craig had

borrowed your candelabra
without you knowing it

and we tried to return it
without your knowing it.

- And now you know it.
- I do?

- Yes.
- Oh.

Well, why are you all singing
together if you didn't know each other?

Well, actually, believe
it or not, I thought

I was auditioning
them for my TV special.

- Oh, by the way, how did we do?
- Yes. Are we ready for the big time yet?

- Well, as a matter of fact,
you were very good.
- Oh, thank you!

You know, Mr. Liberace, Kim sings
and dances and Craig plays the drums.

Maybe you could use the
four of us on your special.

Well, you're about 83
short of the King family.

- But it's not such a bad idea.
- Oh, wonderful! Wonderful!

Why don't I play something
you're all familiar with,

and then when you get
the message, just jump in.

Oh, great, great. Craig,
you get on the drums,

dear, and you sit here
Kim by Mr. Liberace.

Yeah. would you
move over, please?

Cross your legs, sweetheart.

Now, big smile, big
smile. Now you turn here.

That's it. Are you ready, Craig?

- Oh!
- All right. Don't forget, jump
in anytime you want.

OK, Mr. Liberace, go ahead.

♪♪

♪ Singing ♪ I'll be seeing
you in all the old familiar places

that this heart of mine
embraces all day through.

In that small cafe, the
park across the way.

The children's carousel, the
chestnut trees, the wishing well.

[duet] I'll be seeing you in
every lovely summer's day.

In everything that's light and g*y
I'll always think of you that way.

I'll find you in the mornin'
sun and when the night is new.

I'll be looking at the
moon but I'll be seeing you.

- Come on, Kim, let's try out
a few steps together.
- All right.

Good!

Hit it Craig!

[duet] I'll be seeing you in
every lovely summer's day.

In everything that's light and g*y
I'll always think of you that way.

I'll find you in the mornin'
sun and when the night is new.

I'll be looking at the moon.

I'll be looking at the moon.

I'll be looking at the
moon but I'll be seeing you.

But I'll be seeing you.

Hey, Craig, you
forgot the candelabra!