02x18 - Lucy and Lawrence Welk

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy!

Starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz and Desi Arnaz Jr.

Kim, you've asked me to do some
crazy things but this is ridiculous!

Believe me Craig, this is
the best way to straighten hair.

Listen, couldn't you get the same
effect by standing on your head?

All the girls are
ironing their hair.

Hmm, I just hope it
doesn't ruin your hair.

I mean, I hate to go around town
introducing you as my bald headed sister!

What in heaven's
name are you doing?!

Craig is helping me
straighten my hair.

That figures. You're straightening your
hair when it's your room that needs it.

Oh boy! What a day!
Was there any mail?

Mmm, yeah mom.
Right there on the table.

OK. That side is
enough. Do this side.

Do this side, all right.

Homeowner, tax
payer, occupant...

Oh I got a letter from Viv. I
haven't heard from her in ages!

Oh yeah!

Oh, what does it say, mom?

Oh! She's coming
out here for a visit!

- Good!
- Fantastic!

"Lucy, I can't hardly wait to
see the glamorous life you have

been leading in Hollywood and
meet all your movie star friends."

What movie star friends?

Well, everyone back east
is under the impression if

you live in Hollywood you
know nothing but movie stars

and celebrities, you know.

But where did she get
a silly idea like that?

From a lot of silly letters
that your silly mother wrote!

"So, I am looking forward to seeing you
and the kids and will take you up on your

promise that we will have dinner
with your old friend Lawrence Welk."

Mom, I didn't know you
knew Lawrence Welk!

I don't.

Well, then how could you promise
her she'll have a date with him?

Because I never thought
she'd come out here, that's why.

Oh, mother!

Why would she want a
date with Lawrence Welk?

Well, to her Lawrence
Welk is a sex symbol!

Good old bubble
maker, a sex symbol?!

Never mind.

"When I told some of the old g*ng that
you would get me a date with Lawrence Welk,

they laughed and
said you always did

exaggerate and that
you were a pain in the...

neck.

Must close now, by the
time you get this letter I

will probably be ringing
your doorbell. Love Viv."

[doorbell ringing]

- Who is it?
- It's me Viv. Didn't you get my letter?!

Good heavens!!!

Oh, and look at those kids!

Hello, aunt Viv.

Oh, my goodness!

You look like you
must have grown a foot!

Oh, and Craig I love the
way you're doing your hair.

- Oh, it's so good to be here!
- Here honey, let me take your things.

Oh, hey Viv, you're
wearing glasses.

Yeah.

I don't. I don't need them.

Neither do I.

But it was these glasses,
they're a seeing eye dog.

Craig, help Viv up to
my room up to my room...

I don't need any help.

My eyes might be giving
up, but my legs are still OK.

Come on, right up here.

Oh, this is exciting!

Gee. She didn't
mention Lawrence Welk.

Maybe if we can keep her
busy she'll forget all about him.

Oh, Lucille!

You haven't forgotten
what you promised!

That's all I thought about
since I got your letter!

What do I do?

Maybe Lawrence
Welk is out of town.

No, he's not. He's
playing at The Palladium.

Oh, Lucille!

Lucy! That Lawrence Welk is got to be
the most exciting man in the whole world!

Just thinking about him
gives me goose bumps all over!

Yeah, I know what you mean.
Any minute I may break out myself.

Oh, honestly, I just can't wait to
meet him! Can't wait to meet him!

He really turns me on!

And nobody's flipped
my switch in years!

Hello? I'd like to speak
to Mr. Sam Lutz please.

Oh! Mr. Lutz, I understand that
you represent Mr. Lawrence Welk?

Yes. Well, how much does
Mr. Welk get for an evening's work?

$7,500?!

Boy, did I get a wrong number!

Wow!

Carter's Unique
Employment Agency.

Oh, hi, Craig. How's Viv?

Yeah, well has she by any chance
forgotten about Lawrence Welk?

She hasn't mentioned him
in at least 30 seconds, huh.

What she's doing?

Just sitting there
blowing bubbles?

Well, isn't she going
out on that studio tour?

Uh, not until 3.

No, I don't know what I'm going
to do. I'll talk to you later dear.

OK.

Hi Lucy!

Oh, hi Mary Jane!

Hey, how about lunch?

No, no thanks. I'm too upset.

Upset? What's the matter?

Well, Vivian is visiting me.

But why are you upset?
I thought you liked her.

Oh, I do liked her.

But I made the mistake of
telling her that if she ever

came to California, I'd get
her a date with Lawrence Welk.

Lawrence Welk?!

Ooh, Lucy I think he's dreamy!

Boy! He turns on more
people than warm Postum.

- Lucy, when should I meet him?
- As soon as I meet him.

- You haven't met him?
- No. Nobody can afford to.

He gets $7,500 a night!

Seven thou... but what
are you going to tell Viv?

I don't know.

Maybe if she spends enough time at
Disney Land and Knott's Berry Farm

and going on studio tour she'll
forget about Lawrence Welk.

Well, gee. You
know, if it'll help you, I

get three passes to the
Movieland Wax Museum.

I get a friend that's
a manager there.

- The wax museum?
- Yeah.

- What goes on there?
- Oh, she'll love that.

They've got wax figures
of all the old movie

stars and the new
movie stars and TV stars.

- Hey!
- What?

- Hey! That's it!
- What's it?

- You've just given me a great idea!
- I have?

Does the museum have a
wax figure of Lawrence Welk?

Oh sure! Lawrence Welk and Cary Grant
give the management the most trouble.

What do you mean by that?

- Every night they have to scrape
the dry lipstick off their faces!
- Oh!

Hey, tell me what's my idea?

- Well, Viv is terribly nearsighted.
- I didn't know that.

Yeah, can't see a thing.

Listen, if I could get that
wax statue of Lawrence

Welk, put it in a room
with dim romantic lights

and if I don't let Viv get too close to
him, she'll think he was the real thing!

Oh, gee Lucy. You
think you can pull that off?

No. But that's never
stopped me before.

Come on, let's go get your twin.

- Where is the wax museum?
- It's in Buena Park.

OK.

OK. Now, take it easy.

Now, where should we put him?

- Let's put him over there for now.
- OK.

Watch it, Lucy.

Oh. Boy, he's gained weight!

Now, I'll hold the chair.

Alrighty! Are you
ready, Mr. Welk?

A one, a two, a three!

There.

Gee, I'm sure sorry we couldn't
have taken him right to your house.

Well, we couldn't because Viv
doesn't leave for the studio tour until 3.

Hey, Lucy. Do you
think he looks real?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

And he looks a
little bit younger.

Yeah.

Yeah, he looks so
good in wax. If I were

him, I never want to
be seen in person again.

Hey, how are you going
to explain him to your boss?

Oh, I don't have to. Horrible
Harry is playing golf all day today.

Well, I have to get back.

My boss has a lot of letters to dictate
and if I'm not there he starts without me.

Psst.

Psst.

Is Viv around?
Is the coast clear?

No! She's still
on the studio tour.

OK.

Mr. Welk, I'd like you
to meet Kim and Craig.

Doesn't he look real?

Are you going to try and pass
that off as the real Lawrence Welk?

Well, now I can't have
Viv go back east to

tell everybody I'm a
big phony. I'm desperate!

- Mom, you're losing your cool.
- That too.

Look, I think it will work if I can
get Viv's glasses away from her.

And if the room is dark enough.

I think you better
pray for a power failure!

Just relax Lawrence.
Everything is going to be all right.

You hear me?

- Mr. Welk?
- Yes.

There are a couple
of teenagers outside.

- Are they picketing?
- No!

- Are they hostile?
- No. They seem like nice kids.

And they say they're
very big fans of yours.

Teenagers? Big fans of mine?

Wonderful! Wonderful!

Don't let them get
away. Show them in.

- Hello Mr. Welk!
- Oh, thanks for seeing us Mr. Welk.

Well, thank you. It's my pleasure.
Now, what can I do for you?

- Well, you've got to help my mother.
- Yes, sir. You got her in trouble.

I got your mother in trouble?

Why, I don't even
know your mother!

Oh, Mr. Welk
maybe I can explain.

You see my mother has a
friend named Vivian Jones,

and for years my
mother's been writing Vivian

telling her that she was
a good friend of yours

and now Vivian came out for a visit and
she expects to have a dinner date with you.

Tonight!

And if she doesn't? Vivian will go home
and your mother will be the laughing stock?

Boy, you understood
the situation immediately!

Of course! It
happens all the time.

Uh, then you will
come to dinner?

Oh, I didn't say that.

- Then you won't come to dinner?
- Well, I didn't say that either.

Oh, Mr. Welk you don't
know how important this is.

I wish you would come.

Well, I was going to
work on my dune buggy,

right after my surfing lesson.

Tell you what, if I
can finish the song I'm

writing now for the
Beatles, I'll be there.

I don't understand.

Dune bugging?
Surfing? The Beatles?

That's the Lawrence
Welk nobody knows.

Not even me!

Good. Well, thank you, Mr. Welk. Now,
we'll pick you up at 7 o'clock. All right?

- Wonderful!
- Thanks so much!

- Bye, bye.
- Thank you! Goodbye.

How do you like that teenagers?

Wonderful! Wonderful!

Here are the flowers.

Put them right here, dear.

Now, we'll put Vivian on that
side. We'll put the dummy over here.

And I've got the Lawrence Welk
records all ready for background music.

Gee, Lucy I don't
think it's dark enough.

- Really?
- No.

Well, what happens... Is
this better if I turn this out?

I still don't think
it's dark enough.

Oh.

It will be all right once I get her
glasses off her. She's blind as a bat.

Oh, bats can see in the dark.

Not this bat.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, there's the bat
now! Light the candles.

- Hi, dear!
- Oh, you'll never... you'll just never
know what kind of fun a day I had!

That Universal strip
is absolute... Hi, Mary

Jane, I'm glad you're
here to hear about it!

- I had the most marvelous...
- What happened?

Well, I saw John Wayne's saddle

and, let's see now, I
saw Doris Day's bicycle,

and I saw Dean
Martin's bartender!

And I went in the commissary
and I sat in the very

chair that Bob Hope just
satin and it was still warm!

Oh, that's just great! I'm
so glad you had a good time.

Hey, look at that table,
candles and china.

What's going on Lucy?

Well, Viv I promised you that you were
going to have dinner with Lawrence Welk

and tonight's the night.

Lucille! Lucille!

You mean... I'm...
I'm... I'm really going to...

I'm going to meet
Lawrence Welk in the flesh?!!

Well, not exactly the flesh.

Oh, I haven't been this excited since I
got that mash note from a Peeping Tom!

I think maybe
I'm going to faint!

- I don't know what to do first!
- Oh, why don't you go freshen up.

- Yes, go freshen up!
- Yeah.

Oh yes, I'll go freshen up!

Oh, and the girls said
that you wouldn't get me...

they said that you didn't
even know Lawrence Welk!

And they said that... oh, Lucy,
they'll never going to believe!

- Viv, darling?
- Uh-hm?

Viv, darling, uh, do you really
have to wear those glasses?

Oh, I should say I do. Why?

Well, if you want to make
a good impression on

Mr. Welk, I think you
ought to take them off.

Oh, Lucille without these
glasses I'm as blind as a bat.

- Well, you know, the old saying -men seldom
make passes at girls who wear glasses.
- Who needs them!

OK. You go freshen up.

Oh! Lucille you better
give them back to me.

I waited this long to meet Lawrence
Welk and I want to be able to see him.

Oh, now Viv you already
know what he looks

like but he doesn't
know what you look like.

How young and beautiful
you are without your glasses.

- Oh, Lucille, you think of everything.
- Yeah, well I have to.

Believe me I have to.

Look, you go freshen up and I'll let
you know when Mr. Welk gets here.

OK?

Now, you point me
on the right direction.

Oh, OK, dear.

Straight ahead, dear.
Just straight ahead.

Oh, be careful don't knock
the pictures off the wall.

How many steps are there?

- Five.
- Five?

Uh-hum.

A one, a two, a three, a four...

Yeah, but Lucy do
you think this is fair.

Fair smear as long as
she's happy. Now, come on.

Let's go get Lawrence.

Easy now.

Oh, he's heavy.

A one, a two, a three.

Where should I put
him? About here?

Yes. About right there.

Where? Right there?

There.

Hey, come on now. Buck up boy!
You got a big night ahead of you.

OK. Now, Larry do your stuff.

- Oh, Viv, darling!
- Yes?

- Mr. Welk is here.
- Oh my!

Well, here I am!

Viv, this way. This way.

Oh! I can do it myself.

Viv dear, this is Lawrence.
Lawrence this is Vivian.

Oh, my goodness!

Oh! Oh my!

Well, how do you do?

Well, my! How are you?

Wonderful! Wonderful!

Oh dear! Mr. Welk you
have a very manly grip.

Oh, this is the biggest
thrill of my whole life!

Wonderful! Wonderful!

Say, dinner is all ready.
Why don’t we sit down?

Good. Shall we?

Here, dear. You go right
at the end of the table there.

That's right, not
the the other end.

Oh, Lucille, the
table looks lovely!

Aren't you going
to light the candles?

You sit over there,
dear, at the end.

There. How's that, Mr. Welk?
Are you comfortable?

Imagine me sitting at the
same time with Lawrence Welk!

- I told him all about you.
- Oh really! Oh!

Well, she hasn't told
you everything has she?

Mr. Welk doesn't talk much but put
a fiddle in his hand then gypsies cry.

Oh, you think gypsies
cry, you ought to hear me!

I watch your show
every Saturday night.

Oh, there you are.

Wonderful! Wonderful!

I love every member
of you entire cast!

Wonderful! Wonderful!

But most of all I like the
way you play the accordion.

Wonderful! Wonderful!

My goodness, Mr. Welk!

You've been on the air for 15 years
and you haven't age one single day.

Viv, why don't you make some of
your fabulous dressing for our salad.

- I think Mr. Welk would just love it.
- Oh?

Would you like some of my
fabulous dressing Mr. Welk?

Wonderful! Wonderful!

Alrighty! I'll make it.

She's going to make you some
salad dressing. It's very very wonderful!

Oh, Viv, dear, look
where you're going.

- Why should I, I can't see anything.
- Come on.

I'll show you
were everything is.

- Mary Jane, you stay
and talk to Mr. Welk.
- Who?

Oh, uh, well, Mr. Welk, I just think it's
wonderful the way you say wonderful.

Was it difficult for you to learn
to say wonderful the way you do?

Shhh!

Where's mom and Viv?

- They're in...
- Shhh.

They're in the kitchen.
They'll be right out.

Your mother is
got to be kidding!

- Come on! Quick! Let's work fast!
- All right.

Just sit down, Mr. Welk!

Well, it's all finished.

Oh boy, that looks good.

Yeah, that's fine.

Mr. Welk!

Mr. Welk, I hope you're going to
like my fabulous salad dressing.

Oh, I know it'll be
wonderful, wonderful!

That is the worst imitation of
Lawrence Welk I ever heard!

Come on, Viv.

- Come on, dear.
- Yeah.

Just sit right here,
honey. Here's your chair.

- Oh!
- Here you are, Mr. Welk.

I'm sure you're
going to love it.

Mr. Welk, what do you
think of today's music?

[together] Oh,
wonderful! Wonderful!

I think there's room for
many different sounds.

Rock and roll can sound
wonderful, but it's not my bag.

Is there anything wrong?!!

Oh no! Everything is
wonderful! Wonderful!

Good! Vivian could I have the
honor of a dance with you after dinner?

Oh!!! Oh, Mr. Welk! Oh,
Lawrence Welk asked me!

Little Vivian Jones from Cherryville,
Kansas to have a dance with me!

- Oh! Oh, why wait till after dinner?!
- Yes! Why wait?!

Yes, right now! Oh, let's
dance right now! Huh?

Oh, let's ah... oh now
wait a minute. No, the,

the people back home
will never believe it!

I want to go get my camera
and take a picture! Huh?

I'm going to go and get my
camera Lucille and take a

picture so that, so...
where's... where's the stairs?

- Here. Here, dear.
- Oh, thank you.

Wooh!!!

OK. Who are you?

Mom, that's actually
Lawrence Welk!

Oh no! No, not the
real Lawrence Welk?!

Yes!

Your children came to my office and
told me about the predicament you were in.

And as one of California's tourist
attractions, I just couldn't let you down.

Uh, I don't know
how to thank you!

Here I am! Here I am!

Oh, hi kids. I'm so glad that you're here
because I'm going to dance with Mr. Welk!

You take the picture, honey.

Now listen, get up close when
I'm dancing with him and be

sure and get his blue eyes
because that's colored film.

- Yeah. All right?
- You put the music on, dear.
- All right.

- We have some Lawrence Welk
records darling for you.
- Oh good!

- May I?
- Oh, why not? Why not?

A one and a two and a three...

Blow the bubble.

Oh, this is so much fun!

I love this!

Lucille? Lucille? You're supposed
to dance with me, Mr. Welk.

Mr. Welk? I'm your date!

Lucille, he's supposed
to dance with me.

Mr. Welk? Lucille?
Lucille? Lucille?

Oh, there you are.

Mr. Welk?

Lucille... Lucille... Lucille!