02x21 - Lucy and Wally Cox

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy.

Starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz, and Desi Arnaz, Jr.

Good morning, Harry.

We're a little late this
morning, aren't we?

Hi.

Oh! I'm sorry.

I thought you were my boss.
What can I do for you, sir?

I came here to see Blubber.

- Blubber?
- Harry Carter.

Blubber. That's what we
used to call him in college.

Oh! You used to
call him Blubber?

Was he really that fat?

Fat?

If he turned around the classroom, he
erased every blackboard in the room!

Well, he should be in
any minute Mr. um...?

Manley. Moose Manley.

- I'm Lucille Carter, Mr. Manley.
- Lucille.

- Why don't you just sit down and wait.
- Thank you.

Say I've a got a great idea.

I think I ought to
surprise Blubber.

Now is there any place
in here that I can hide?

Oh, sure, right in there.

- Great. Now don't tell him I'm here.
- No, I won't.

"Blubber."

Good morning.

Oh! Good morning, sir.

Uh, I'm sorry I'm a little late.
Nice to see that you're working.

Oh yes, sir. I was
here bright and early.

Good. Good.

- Uh, Lucille.
- Yes, sir?

What do you keep in that drawer?

My stenographic pads. Why?

Your pads have a slow leak.

Lucille get rid of that
breakfast. Get rid of...

Oh!

Oh! Look!

- So tell me. Did you finish those
reports I gave you last night?
- Yes, sir! Yes, sir! There they are.

Let's see.

Blubber!

Moose!

Why, Moose Manley! I
haven't seen you in years!

- In a suit you're looking great.
- So do you, you old son of a g*n.

- You tell me all about yourself.
- I'm on... Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

We almost forgot.

Of course. Yeah.

[together] Teamo, tymo,
dera mwah, wahi wahay.

Yea, team.

How about that?

We remem... we oh yeah.

That was our college fight song.

Oh! I thought someone sprinkled
itching powder in your shorts.

"Itching powder in your shorts."

Say, this gal's got
quite a sense of humor.

Yeah. Yes.

- Blubber, I got news for you.
- Huh?

I was back to an
alumni meeting at the old

college last month and
your record still stands.

After all these years? By George,
that makes a man feel kind of proud.

- You hold a college record?
- Yeah.

What record is that?

He swallowed 86
goldfish in ten minutes.

- No.
- Yup.

My stomach still goes
in and out with the tide.

And right now it looks
like the tide is out.

Oh! The tide's out. I'm
telling you this gal's dynamite.

Yeah. She's dynamite.

You're kind of
expl*sive yourself.

Well, let's sit down
have a nice little talk.

You know, that'll be
fine but first I'd like

to feed my face. Have
you had breakfast?

Well yes. But I can
always use another one.

Those goldfish
are always hungry.

Well, let's go down to the corner.
There's a nice little café in there.

We've got a lot to talk...
Oh, I'll see you shortly.

All right, Blubber.

I mean, sir.

You always have
that little football.

I've forgotten
about that entirely.

Oh, I tell you Moose. Those
were the good old days.

They sure were.

You know, you were quite a
cutup during your college career.

- Oh I had my moments.
- I'll say you did.

Here. Sit down now.
Sit down. We've got so...

Oh great.

Say, do you remember in
our junior year that panty raid.

I'll never forget it.

I almost got expelled
for hanging that girl's

nightgown from the
top of that flagpole.

- No wonder, the girl was still in it!
- Yeah, that's right!

Tell me, Moose, does your wife
know about that little incident?

She ought to. She was
the girl in the nightgown.

Oh, Moose. I envy you.

A wife, a son,
prosperous business.

Yes, it is prosperous.

- My detective agency has branch
offices in over 30 big cities now.
- Really? Really.

Well tell me something.
Isn't running a detective

agency kind of rough
for a man your age?

Kind of.

Actually I'd like to retire but I have
nobody to turn the business over to.

Well what about your son?

That schnook.

Schnook?

Gee Mr. Manley, I can't imagine
any son of yours being a schnook.

Well he's a schnook
with a capital Schnoo.

Why Moose, that's dreadful.

That... well what's
the matter with him?

Well he's weak, he's shy,
he's bashful and he's a coward.

Thirty-three years old and
he's never had a date with a girl.

Can you imagine that, the son
of Moose Manley afraid of girls?

Yeah. I can. When I
was in high school, I had a

girlfriend Hilda, who
had a brother like that.

He was so shy that if a girl
even looked at him, he'd blush.

One day he just walked
by the YWCA and fainted.

I fell so sorry for him.

I got all of Hilda's
girlfriends together and

whenever we saw him, we'd
make a big fuss over him,

you know, to build
his self-confidence.

Well did it work?

It sure did. He's now
serving ten years for bigamy.

Well, I wouldn't want
that to happen to my son.

But, do you think
you could help him?

Well, maybe I could
but it takes time.

Well I'd sure appreciate any
help that you could give him.

Well I'd be very glad
to do it but I'd have to

spend about, oh, 8 or


Well I'll arrange that.

- He would be available anytime, anyplace.
- Oh, well then.

Hold it. Hold it. Hold on.
Back up just a little bit.

Lucille, you can think of
more ways to get time off.

Now, I am paying you a
salary if you work here. Full time.

Harry I only wanted to
help the poor little schnook.

Well help me. I'm the poor
schnook who pays your salary.

Oh, come on Harry. I'm sure you can
do without the little lady for a few days.

I could do without
the little lady forever.

- But I'm paying her salary
and there will be no time off.
- All right, Harry.

Now, I hope you
understand Moose.

Yes. Sure Harry. I understand.

Good. Good.

- By the way, Lucille, - Hmm?

Did you ever hear about
the time that Blubber got

stuck in the phone booth
with a girl named Madge?

Moose! You're not going
to tell her about that!

It was getting warm. Very warm

- and Blubber suggested that Madge take...
- Moomomoo Moose. That's blackmail.

You bet your bippy it is.

- Now, this girl Madge started to take...
- No, no! Moose.

Lucille, you can
have the time off.

I'd rather hear about Madge.

- Never mind.
- All right. All right. All right.

Now look Mr. Manley,
tomorrow I'll have lunch

in town and you bring
in your little schnook.

I mean, you bring in your son
and then you leave the rest to me.

Now write this down. I will be having
lunch at 12:30 at the Café George

and when you come
in you pretend...

Why Lucille!

Moose Manley. What a
surprise. It's nice to see you here.

- Well I dine here frequently.
- I didn't know that.

- Lucille, I'd like to
have you meet my son Wally.
- Oh!

Wally, this is Lucille Carter.

Hello Wally.

- Wally, say hello.
- Hello.

- I'm very pleased to meet you, Wally.
- Why?

Why? Well uh...

There don't seem to be any
empty tables. May we sit with you?

Oh, certainly Moose. Certainly.

Well there's an empty
table and there and there.

Don't point.

Those tables are reserved.

We'll sit here.

This is certainly a
pleasant surprise Moose

and I didn't know you
had such a handsome son.

Where? Where? Where?

Wally, I mean you.

Me? Handsome? [laughs]

Great Scott!

I didn't realize
what time it was.

I have a business appointment in
five minutes. I hope you'll excuse me.

Oh! Of course Moose.

Yeah. Yeah. Excuse us.

I have the appointment. Not you.

You stay and have
lunch with Mrs. Carter.

Papa, she's a girl.

Congratulations you noticed!

Now remember, you're not
to leave until lunch is finished.

My, that was a
delicious lunch. Goodbye!

Wally, Wally. You
haven't eaten yet.

Well, I'm... I'm on
a diet. I'm too fat.

Fat? Why you're thin.

I'm only thin on the outside. On
the inside, I'm a large lump of lard.

Oh now, Wally relax. Let's just look at
the menus and decide what we want.

- Wally, what would you like?
- To be somewhere else.

I mean for lunch.

Just a hamburger.

- Coffee, tea, or milk?
- No thanks. I'm driving.

Wally, is there anything wrong?

Wrong? What could
possibly be wrong?

Well, you seem to be nervous.

- Well, there's a good reason
why I seem to be nervous.
- Well, what's that?

I'm nervous.

Well now, there's no
reason to be nervous.

Oh, yes there is. This
is the first time I've ever

been alone together with
the member of the opposite,

if you pardon the
expression, sex.

Wally, are you afraid of girls?

Uh-huh.

But there's nothing
to be afraid of.

Now look Wally, girls are soft and
warm and girls can be very loving.

Wally, everyone
is looking at you.

He's going to a masquerade
party dressed as a table.

- You mean to tell me, you let him crawl out
of that restaurant under a tablecloth?
- Well...

Come on Harry don't
blame her. It's Wally's fault.

He's a coward about everything.

Didn't you do
anything to stop him?

Of course I did. I followed him down
the street and kept talking to him.

- Well what happened?
- He tried to have me
arrested for a masher.

Oh boy! He's hopeless!

No he isn't, Mr. Manley.
He is a fine young man.

We've just got to find a way
to give him self-confidence.

We've got to build him up and give him
courage so he won't be afraid of anything.

That's easy to say.

But how do you make a
tiger out of a pussycat?

Well there must be
something we can do.

Someway we can make
him think he's a tiger.

[telephone ringing] Carter's
Unique Employment Agency.

Oh yes, he's here. It's for you,
Mr. Manley. It's your secretary.

Oh, thanks.

Yes, Ms. Harlow.

Oh no!

I'll be right back. Goodbye.

Moose, is something wrong?

Yeah. The two guards
at the warehouse quit.

I've got to replace
them for tonight.

Thanks a lot, Lucille.
You did your best.

Harry, I'll see you later.

Wait!

I've got a good idea.

It better be a great one.

- Ooh! What is it?
- Mr. Manley, you've got your two guards for
that warehouse tonight. Wally and me.

What? Don't be
ridiculous, Lucille.

Well supposed somebody
tried to rob the place.

That job could be dangerous.

Wally could get hurt.

There's no danger there, Harry.
That place has never been robbed.

It will be tonight.

We'll fake a robbery.

Now you tell Wally that
you're on a spot, see.

And that he must help you out
tonight and don't take no for an answer.

All right, Harry, here's
what I want you to do.

I will have nothing
to do with this.

- Oh Lucille, remember Madge,
the girl in the phone booth?
- All right I'll do it.

Now then, you know
what you're supposed to do.

Yeah. We break into this
warehouse and fake a robbery.

- And when your little guy
swings at us, we'd fall down.
- Yeah.

And now are you sure you
know how to make it look good?

Look mister, we've been
Hollywood stunt men for years.

Well I don't want
anyone to get hurt.

Don't worry. Nobody gets hurt.

- Let's give him a demonstration, Bruce.
- OK.

Bruce?

Fellah's I'll uh... I'll
get out of your way.

Now pretend I'm Wally
and when I swing...

- How does it look?
- Well yeah.

Hey, fellah's, fellah's!
Guys, take it easy.

That's Lucy's desk.
She needs that.

Oh, you're very-I'm convinced...
Fellah's, fellah's that's my desk!

- And my... what are you...
- How does it look so far?

Oh! Oh!

Do you... anymore.

- Now didn't that look real?
- Oh, you bet.

Gee, that was fun.

You're so right Bruce, just like the
good old days. Really made me feel good.

Oh. Wrecking my office
makes you feel good.

We've got to get it
out of our systems.

We're not allowed to be
violent on TV anymore.

Well be at the warehouse
at 8 o'clock tonight.

- Come on, Bruce.
- OK.

[telephone ringing]

Hello? Hello?

Hello, Lucille.

Yes. Yes. I just hired
two stunt men for tonight.

Are they rough enough?

Well just look for yourself.

Look! Look at that! Look at
the desk. Look at that mess.

See that? Look at this!
Oh, it's smashed to pieces!

The whole place is a shamble.

Oh. Sorry I forgot.

What? Yeah. They will be
there at eight tonight. Goodbye.

Bruce?

Well, Wally, this is a
pretty big place huh?

Wally?

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Wally, what's the matter
with you? Come on in here.

You act like you're
afraid of the dark.

I am.

Well I'll turn on the lights
if I can find the switch.

- There it is.
- Don't leave me!

I'm not going to
leave you Wally.

- Let's get out of here.
- Come on.

There.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Look at the... Wally?

Waaaaah!

What? Wally?

Let's get out of here.

I'm afraid some crooks
are going to break in here

and try to rob the place,
and it will be horrible.

Your father said this place
has never been robbed.

Now you and I will probably
spend the night here alone.

I'm even more afraid of that.

Let's get out of here.

Wally, we have a job to
do and we're going to do it.

Why did papa pick a person like
you to come with me on this job?

The reason papa picked a
person like me was to show

you that it's so safe
even a woman could do it.

Now relax, will you? We
got to stay here till midnight.

- Is it midnight yet?
- No!

- What's that?
- What's what?

I heard a noise.

- It's probably a mouse.
- A mouse! Aaah!

Wally! For heaven’s sake.

I'm positive there's somebody
else here besides us.

- Somebody is here to rob this place.
- I'll prove to you that you're wrong.

Hello!

Is there anybody
here to rob the place?

You see? You're wrong.

No, lady, he's right.

Now just do as we say
and nobody will get hurt.

Look buddy, you can't scare us.

He can to.

Don't be afraid, Wally. Come on,
let's chase these hoodlums out of here.

Now you take one more step
and I'm going to plug both of you.

Ladies first.

You've picked a great
time to be a gentleman.

You can't scare
me you cheap punk.

- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.

Lady, you're picking a
sloppy way to ruin a manicure.

Go ahead, Wally!
Disarm the other one!

Look, shorty, stand still!

One move out of you and
I'll blow your stupid head off!

Well, just a second.
There's no need to be rude.

If you want me to do
something, just ask me nice.

Shut up!

Well, that's nice enough.

- Well, it's been fun meeting you. Goodbye!
- Hold it!

Hey! Those are real b*ll*ts.

What do you expect lady?
Chopped liver? Of course they're real.

- But you don't have to overdo this.
- Shut up and get over against the wall.

Hey, not so rough.

- Remember nobody's supposed to get hurt.
- Shut up.

- Oh!
- Just a second.

A gentleman doesn't
push a lady like that.

Oh no? How does he push her?

Like this.

Attaboy, Wally!

Wally, get the other arm.

One!

Two!

Three!

Attaboy, Wally!
Go call your dad.

Tell him what you did.

Great guys! Great! Just
great! Going just great.

- Yeah, wait for me, Wally.
- Yeah, hold it.

- Hold it right there.
- Enough is enough.

Take one more
step and I'll sh**t.

You haven't got the guts.

Boy these guys don't
know when to quit.

Get up! Get up! Get up be a man.

Lucille? Lucille?
Lucille? Lucille?

Lucille!

I'm sorry.

What are you doing here?

Lucille, I came to tell you
that the men I contact...

Papa! Papa!

Look, look! Lucille and I
overpowered these robbers.

Holy Mackerel!

Baby face Johnson and Lefty Logan,
the most vicious K*llers in the country.

Son!

Are those the men you hired?

No! They couldn't make it.

They're for real.

You mean they... you mean...

Oh, my goodness! She's fainted.

Somebody's got to do
something. Here papa. Cover them.

- Yes, son!
- Allow me. Allow me.

Sir, that's no way
to treat a lady.

Hey, papa! She's right.

Women are soft, and warm,

and sort of soggy.