02x23 - Lucy Takes Over

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy.

Starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz, and Desi Arnaz, Jr.

All right now, let's get
this straight Mr. Braskins.

As my landlord, you agreed to
deduct $9.40 per month from my rent

under proviso that I supply
my own janitor service.

What do you mean I'm cheap?

I'm frugal.

Oh! Goodbye.

Good morning, Harry. I hope you're feeling
fine this bright and cheery morning.

All right. Never mind the
false cheer. You're late.

One measly minute.

One measly minute, a minute here, a minute
there, it all adds up and time is money.

Therefore, I'm docking you 6
cents for being a minute late.

You know, Harry there are times when you
make Scrooge sound like Diamond Jim Brady.

Never mind that. Get your
pad, I want to dictate a letter.

Oh, I'm glad you
brought that up, Harry.

It's the first of the month,
time for my new pencil.

There are thousands
of words left in that one.

Harry, why do you have
to be such a tightwad?

Because tightwads
run tight ships,

which reminds me...

For you from the tightwad.

Harry, a present
for me from you?

Oh, Harry, I'm sorry I
called you a tightwad.

A feather duster?

Yes.

It goes with the ensemble.

A mop, a bucket, and these.

Harry, is this some
kind of a put on?

Yes, you put these on
every day at 5 o'clock.

Because as of now,
you are the new...

Harry, why would you
do a thing like this to me?

To save 9 dollars
and 40 cents a month.

Well now, this may come
as a great surprise to you,

- but I'm perfectly willing to do
the dusting around here.
- Oh?

- On one condition.
- Oh!

Give me something worth dusting.
Let me redecorate this dull old office.

Over my dead bank account.

My goodness, this place is as functional
and modern as the day I opened it.

Twenty-nine years ago.

Harry, nothing
here is functional.

Look at these Venetian blinds. I think
they came from Venice with Columbus.

Now Harry, please, let me fix up
the place, give it a little charm, huh?

- There is nothing charming about
spending money.
- Who said anything about that?

I have an attic full of wonderful
antiques and they're all yours for free.

Well, at those prices,
decorate to your heart's content.

Oh! Well, all right.

Meanwhile, dust.

Go! Go! Go! Do it!
Do it! Dust! Dust! Do it!

- Kids, you stay where you are
until I find the light. You here.
- OK.

Waaah!

What's the matter mom?

I think I just ran in into
my great grandmother.

There we are. Come on kids.

Oh!

- Are you all right honey?
- Yeah.

Don't step back now.

There.

Hey, what's that under,
uh, err, um, where she sits?

It's a bustle.

What's a bustle?

Well, sort of a rumble
seat with ruffles.

- Come on now, we got to find something to
liven up Uncle Harry's dull old office.
- Right-o.

Boy, I haven't been
up here in so long.

- This place looks like
something out of a Frankenstein movie.
- Yeah.

I'm Bela Lugosi! I'm going
to bite you on the neck.

Craig!

Oh, have you ever seen
so many old cobwebs?

What do you expect? New cobwebs?

Hey, I've forgotten some
of the stuff we have up here.

- Hey mom.
- What?

What's this?

Oh, um, I think it's a helmet I
wore when I was in air raid warden.

Hey, a spinning wheel.

Hey mom! How about
this for the office?

Oh, you gotta be kidding.

If Harry ever saw that,
he'd have me spending

my lunch hour
spinning him a new suit.

Hey, it might make a
great planter though.

How about that old trunk?

For the office?

Well, sure. All the interior decorators
are using old trunks these days.

- Oh really?
- Mm-hmm.

Craig, open this up,
let's see what's in it.

All right.

You know, this is a genuine antique. It's
been in my family for over a hundred years.

Sounds more like
a thousand years.

- Hey, look at all this stuff.
- Oh, my goodness!

- And what stuff?
- Wow!

- Look at these.
- Oh!

- Hey mom! Get a load of this.
- What is it?

It's a diary?

Yeah. It says, being
the personal journal of

Florabelle Emeline Hunt
of Sinclairville, New York.

- That was my great grandmother.
- You're kidding.

- The first entry's dated May 1st, 1870.
- Whoa, boy!
- What's this?

Looks like a receipt.

No. This is a promissory note.

It's dated May 29th,


Made out in favor
of Frederick C. Hunt.

That's my great grandfather, and
it's signed by a Harrison Otis Carter.

That's a familiar name.

Well, it ought to be. It's on the
bottom of your paycheck every week.

Well, that can't be Uncle
Harry. He's not that old.

Mom, wait a minute. Couldn't
our Uncle Harry be related

to the Harrison Otis
Carter that signed the note?

Well now, that's possible.

Both families were originally
from the same part of the country.

What else does it say?

"I, Harrison Otis Carter,

owe Frederick C. Hunt the sum of $10
to be repaid at the rate of 10% interest."

You mean maybe Uncle Harry's
family might owe our family $10?

Yeah. How about that?

Uncle Harry will be very thrilled
to hear about that, wouldn't he?

I could just see his face when you tell
him he's owed you $10 for a hundred years.

Hey, wait a minute.
That's more than $10.

With interest, that's
around a hundred dollars.

A hundred dollars?

Yeah. Hey, wouldn't it be
great if you could collect that?

I'd settle for the original 10 bucks
just to watch Uncle Harry squirm.

Are you gonna ask him for it?

Well, why not?

But first I'm gonna have
to find out for sure if this

Harrison Carter is related
to our Harrison Carter.

And if he is?

If he is, Uncle Harry will
hang himself on his family tree.

And furthermore, Mr. Ryelander,
unless my fee is forthcoming immediately,

I will sue you for every
red cent you've got.

And sign that with warmest
personal regards, Harrison Carter.

That's what I like about
you, Harry. You're all wallet.

Never mind.

Harry, aren't you gonna say anything about
these antiques I brought to the office?

They're nice.

Nice?

Listen this might come
as a great surprise

to you, but some people
appreciate antiques.

For what reason?

Well, uh, they're supposed
to remind you of your

heritage or would you
rather not speak of yours?

I'll have you know that I'm
very proud of my heritage.

Why in 1870, my forebears crossed
the Adirondacks in a covered wagon.

I know and you're
still driving it.

Scoff all you want to Lucille.
I come from a pioneer strain.

Well, my great
grandmother had 17 children.

Seventeen? That's
enough to strain any pioneer.

Fortunately, she had some
help from my great grandfather.

Well, I'm very
glad to hear that.

- Your great grandfather, you
mean Harrison Otis Carter I?
- Yes.

The Harrison Otis Carter of the
Sinclairville, New York Carter's?

- That's right. As a matter of fact, he was
one of the founders of Sinclairville.
- Oh!

Ah! yes! He was quite a
man, Harrison Otis Carter I.

- Amassed quite a fortune
for his day, you know.
- Really what happened to it?

Oh, he left it to his son,
Harrison Otis Carter, Jr.

Oh, and I supposed Jr. left it to his
son and so on down the line to you.

It's a family tradition. The
first born inherits all the money.

- Ah! And they also inherit
the family obligations.
- Naturally.

Such as promissory notes.

Our family motto is
we honor our debts.

Great. Then you can honor
me with the $10 you owe me.

What in the world are you
talking about? What $10?

The $10 that your great
grandfather borrowed

from my great grandfather
a hundred years ago.

What?

Oh, you... May 29, 1870.

"I, Harrison Otis Carter, owe Frederick
C. Hunt the sum of $10 to..." Oh!

Ah! Ah! It won't do you any
good tearing it up. It's a Photostat.

Lucille, my owing you $10 on a 100-year-old
debt is ridiculous. So, forget about it.

Come on, Harry, give me the $10.

I will not and will
you finish that letter?

Oh!

- Hi, mom.
- Oh, hi, Uncle Harry.
- Oh, hi kids.

- I want you to hear something.
- What?

- About that promissory note.
- What about it?

Well, I overlooked the fact that the


So that means, for a hundred years,
Uncle Harry owes you $138,000.

Wha, wha, wha...

$138,000?

Are you trying to tell me
that I owe you $138,000?

Oh, now, Harry,
don't be nervous.

We'll work something out.

- Now, tell me would you be willing
to admit that you owe me the $10?
- Gladly. Gladly.

Oh, Lucille, you don't know how
much I appreciate this. There you are.

Think nothing of it, Harry.

Now, you only owe me $137,990.

Oh, Uncle Harry.

Mother, you don't really expect to get
all that money from Uncle Harry, do you?

Of course not, but it's
gonna be a lot of fun trying.

Here, wave this in front
of his nose, he'll wake up.

It isn't true.

It isn't true.

This can't be happening to me.

It's all a bad dream.

Of course. Of course. I'm
dreaming the whole thing.

All I have to do is
pinch myself to prove it.

D'oh!

Great grandfather, how could
you do this to a sweet guy like me?

Oh you smiling stinker you.

[doorbell rings]

Mr. Carter?

Some lawyer you are.

Do you realize it's taken over
six hours to get back to me.

Mr. Carter, please, in a complicated
matter like this, it takes time.

We don't want to rush, do we?

Oh, we don't, don't we?

At 50 bucks an hour,
maybe you don't, but me do.

What I was trying to
do is find the precedent.

A legal loophole to declare that
promissory note null and void.

And you found it?

No.

No?

No. I'm afraid Mrs. Carter
has an iron clad case.

Well, don't you have
any suggestions?

Yes. I suggest you
pay my fee now.

Oh! [doorbell rings]

It's her. It's her. It's that money
grabbing red-headed sister-in-law of mine.

Isn't there anything I can do?

Well, legally speaking,
Mr. Carter, you have two choices.

- One, humor her...
and... cut your throat.

Oh, I don't want to cut
my throat. [doorbell rings]

If you don't mind, I think I'll
leave by way of the kitchen.

I hate to see a
grown man grovel.

Me?

Harrison Otis Carter IV, grovel?

Never. [doorbell rings]

Lucille!

Oh! You look ravishing.

Oh, that tube is exquisite.

Where have you been all day? It's
the same thing I wore to the office.

Oh, well, I didn't
notice, you see.

I'm so dazzled by your smile that I didn't
see anything with you and all your glory.

- Oh! Stop the apple polishing
and get up off your knees.
- Oh, thank you very much.

You're very kind. Thank you.

Can I get you anything, Lucille?

Oh, don't bother.
I'll just help myself.

You know, I've always admired
these silver candlesticks.

You can't take those!

Those go with the sterling
silver ashtrays on the table.

Oh, well, I wouldn't think
of breaking up the set.

Why, don't you think about
it? Well, please think about it.

Don't. Don't.

Oh, Harry, would you give me that hunk
of jade on that top shelf there, please.

That's worth $2000!

Only 2000? Well, I'll
credit your account.

- Now, Lucille.
- Get it. Get it. Get it.

- Lucille!
- Get it! Get it! Get it!

Go! Go! Go!

Come on. Give it to me, Harry.

Harry, give it to me!

Oh, why go about
this thing piece meal?

Why don't you take everything
in the house while you're at it.

Tonight? In this little
sack? Don t be ridiculous.

I'll be lucky if I can get the
movers here by Saturday.

Movers?!

Aren't you even going to
leave me the shirt on my bag?

Of course, I am. It
wouldn't fit me anyway.

Harry, Harry, if you don't mind, a word
of advice from an old friend and relative,

why not consider taking a
small furnished room some place.

In your financial condition, you
really can't afford a home like this.

You are 40 seconds late.

I'm terribly sorry. I was...

What are you doing at my desk?

Well, let me put it this way, can you
pay me the rest of the money you owe me?

Well, of course not.
I don't have that...

Then this is my desk
and that is your desk.

Go! Go! Go! [telephone ringing]

Carter's Unique
Employment Agency.

This is the President speaking.

I'm sorry, but Mr. Carter is not
allowed to take personal calls.

I'm running a business
here, not a coffee clutch.

Who was that?

Never heard of him.
Somebody named Druven.

Druv... not Charles Druven.

I've been trying to get his account for
five years and you blew it in five seconds.

Will you quit passing the buck?

It's not my fault.

You should have answered the phone in the
first place, if you were a good secretary.

- Now, see here Lucille.
- Take a memo Harry.

To all employees, as of the first of
next week, there will be no coffee breaks,

no personal calls and
lunch hours will be limited

to 12 minutes. Am I going
too fast for you, Harry?

Of course, you are.
I can't take dictation.

Then do what I did. Fake it.

That does it. I will have you
know that I am not a secretary.

Oh.

Oh well.

Well, don't you worry Harry, I'll find
another slot for you in my organization.

Well, I am certainly
not a janitor.

Got the money you owe me?

Why don't I dust
over here for a while.

I'm sorry, Harry, but you'll
only be in the way there.

In the way of what?

Uh, them.

- Would you mind stepping aside?
- Hey!

What... what... who,
who are those men?

Well, they have been...

Where are you going with that
chair? Where is he taking that desk?

To the junkyard
if they'll accept it.

Oh, not the water cooler. I
paid 50 cents deposit on that.

Well now, don't you worry about a thing,
Harry. We're getting a new carpet, anyway.

Why should we get an
expensive new carpet?

To go with the expensive
new furniture that I ordered.

You ordered?

Yeah. And why should you
worry how I spend my money?

Because it used to be my money.

And I still have a
sentimental attachment to it.

Hey, ma'am, what do you
want me to do with this?

Oh, don't tempt me.

- Right here, boy.
- Now, you have gone too far.

This office is not big
enough for that couch.

Oh no, no, but it will be.

I forgot to mention, Harry, that I just
signed a lease on the office next door.

Really. We've been very
cramped here for years.

Hit it boys.

OK. Take it away, boys.

Oh, I'm not well.

I've got a
hundred-year-old headache.

I think I'm gonna go
and take some aspirin.

Yes, you do that,
Harry. You do that.

Oh! Right in here, boys.
Just put it right here.

Thank you.

That's fine. That's fine.

- That's everything, ma'am.
- Thank you very much.

You're welcome.

- Mom!
- Oh hi.

- Hi. We've got something to tell you.
- What?

- Remember great great
grandmother Hunt's diary?
- I sure do.

Thanks to her I'm
having all this fun.

Well, uh, read this.

"November 5, 1870.

Harrison Otis Carter
came over today and

paid back the $10 he
borrowed six months ago.

You should have heard that tightwad
scream about the 50 cents interest charge."

Yeah. You know what
that means, mom?

Sure. It means they were
suckers to accept the money.

If they waited a hundred years, they could
have clipped in for everything he had.

Isn't that right?

What are you laughing at?

Could have clipped him for every cent he
had, uh, like you were trying to do to me.

Well now, Harry, whatever
gave you that idea?

Let's just say I have
a vivid imagination.

- Can't you take a little joke, Harry?
- Yeah.

Uncle Harry, it was just a joke.

Yeah. Wasn't it funny?

It's no joking matter where
principle and interest are concerned.

But, but, Harry, even
a secretary's entitled to

do a little practical joke
and that's what I am.

Isn't it? Just a plain
ordinary little old secretary.

Lucille, don't
underestimate yourself.

You are far more than
just a secretary to me.

Oh, I know, I know, I'm
also a bookkeeper, a file

clerk, and a receptionist,
and a switchboard operator.

- And a janitor.
- And a janitor.

- Well at least everything' back to normal.
- Oh, yes. Thank goodness.

Not quite!

After you have returned all this furniture,
cancel the lease on the office next door,

and fix the hole in the wall.

You are going over to that spinning
wheel and you are going to make me a suit.

Make you a suit?!

Yes, make me a suit!
Why are you afraid of that?

Single-breasted
or double-breasted?