03x01 - Lucy Meets the Burtons

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Elizabeth Taylor,
Richard Burton.

- Oh. Hi, Rhonda.
- Hi, Lucy.

Have they come out yet?

- She has, but he hasn't.
- Oh, really.

Was she wearing it?

- She was wearing gloves, I couldn't tell.
- Oh.

Oh, my lunch
hour is almost over.

If Mr. Burton doesn't come out
pretty soon, he's going to miss me.

Ah, Mr. Burton, I'm
Mr. Williams, the hotel manager.

I do hope everything
is satisfactory.

Everything is
splendid. Thank you.

And Mrs. Burton thanks you for
the lovely flowers you sent her.

It's my pleasure.

She's not here.

She's out shopping what else.

Did somebody come
to fix your shower?

Yes, yes. Sam, the
plumber, is in there now.

Tell me, has the crowd thinned out
in the lobby a bit? I'd like to get out.

Oh, no. I'm afraid
it's getting worse.

The last time I looked,
there were four newsmen,

six photographers,
an assortment of fans,

and a bus tour of the
movie star's homes.

- A bus tour of the movie star's homes?
- Yes, I'm afraid so.

But temporarily you and Mrs. Burton
have replaced Lawrence Welk and Liberace.

I'm profoundly moved.

That almost makes up
for not winning the Oscar.

What about the back way to
the hotel, could I get out there?

No, no. That's
completely blocked by the

Elizabeth Taylor fan
club, Glendale chapter.

In order to be a member, I gather, you
have to have seen National Velvet 10 times.

They're lucky. I have
to see it once a week.

Do you really?

Well, actually I like our fans.
They're very necessary, of course,

but I would like to get out just
once without being recognized.

Yes, it must be terrible.

Yeah, I can't even
go sightseeing.

Everybody in the world has been to
Disneyland except me and Chris Joffe.

And it's too late for him now.

Yeah. Well, I have to get out. I
promised Elizabeth I get her ring fixed.

Is that the ring?

Is there any other?

Yes, of course,
I'm terribly sorry.

Uhm. If there's anything at all
you want, you will please call me.

Yes, thank you.
You're very kind.

I got your shower
all fixed, Mr. Burton.

Ah, thank you, thank
you, ah... oh, Sam, Sam.

Just a minute. I've
just had an idea.

Mr. Williams, I think I
have a plan for getting

out of the hotel without
being recognized.

Oh, what is it?

What if I borrowed his uniform and his
tools and went out disguised as a plumber?

Excellent!

Is that all right with you, Sam?

Is that all right with me?

Are you kidding?

Oh, boy.

Wait until I tell the boys at
the shop that I loaned my

overalls to the guy that's
married to Elizabeth Taylor.

Thank you, Sam.

Have fun, d*ck.

Ooh, was I ever glad to see you.

Ah, madam, I'm afraid you've
mistaken me for someone else.

I'm Sam, the plumber.

Yeah, I know.

I need you. Are you free?

Free, what man is ever free?

Well, I, I need a plumber
and I need him right away.

I'm afraid that's out of the
question. I'm through for the day.

But, but wait a minute
now, if I don't get that

leaky faucet fixed,
I'm going to get fired.

Well, I'm awfully sorry about your
leak, lady, but I cannot help you.

- There he is!
- Where?

Where?

Where?

Is that him?

I've changed my mind.
I'll fix that faucet for you.

Oh, wouldn't you know.

Only chance I get to see Richard
Burton I got a date with the plumber.

All right, come on.

Tell him I have waited
as long as I could.

Get in the car.

Here we are.

All right, the bathroom
is in there. Come on.

Madam, for the last time. I cannot
fix your faucet. I'm not a plumber.

Well, if you're not a
plumber, why did you say

you were and why are you
dressed in those clothes?

Well, I might as well tell you.

I was endeavoring to
leave the hotel incognito.

I'm Richard Burton.

Oh, sure, and I'm
Elizabeth Taylor.

Believe me, you're not.

Now, look, I certainly ought to
know what Richard Burton looks like.

I have seen all of his pictures.

I'm sorry you won't believe me,
but... You've seen all of his pictures?

Every one.

Now, look, why don't you fix the
faucet, it won't take but a minute.

I'm terribly sorry, madam,
but I simply must leave.

Now, look.

I'm not kidding.

What I'm going to do? If that faucet
isn't fixed today, I'm going to get fired.

Really, I am.

You got to believe me.
I'm going to be out of

a job and I've got two
children to support.

All right, all right. I'll
fix your faucet. Or I'll try.

- Where is it? Is it in there?
- Yes. It's right in there.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Which one is it?

It's that one, the cold
water faucet. That one?

Yeah. All right.

I think it needs a
washer, whatever that is.

I hope I turn
this the right way.

It's a stubborn
little beast, isn't it?

You're English, aren't you?

Certainly not.

I'm a Welshman.

Oh, is there a difference?

[speaking Welsh]

What does that mean?

It means bite your
tongue in Welsh.

It loses a little
in translation.

Well, whatever you are, you
certainly have a very nice voice.

Thank you.

Have you ever thought
about being an actor?

It has crossed my mind.

Actually, I've done a little Shakespeare,
would you like to hear some?

- Would I like to hear
a little Shakespeare?
- Hmm-hmm.

Well, all right. But I'm going to have
to deduct the time from your wages.

Let me see.

"For God's sake, let
us sit upon the ground

and tell sad stories
of the death of kings.

How some have been
deposed; some slain in w*r,

some haunted by the
ghosts they have deposed,

some sleeping
k*lled, all m*rder*d.

For within the hollow
crown that rounds the

mortal temples of a king
keeps Death his court.

And there the antic
sits, scoffing his state

and grinning at his pomp,
allowing him a breath,

a little scene to monarchize
be feared and k*lled with looks.

Comes at the last and with a little
pin bores through his castle wall,

and farewell king."

You better stick
to your plumbing.

I'm sorry about that.

Oh!

Good heavens!

I'm afraid I neglected
to turn off the water.

Well, nothing personal, Sam, but your
plumbing makes your acting look good.

Now, if you'll excuse me. I'll
get out of my wet coveralls.

All right. I'll get my purse.

Finish that up.

All right. Here's your money.

Twenty-three fifty. I'm taking


- Here you are.
- No, no, no. I couldn't take that.

Oh, come on, now. I
insist. I made a deal.

After all you did
help me save my job.

You can use it to get a haircut.

- Lucille, Lucille.
- What?

You'll never believe
who's in this building.

- Who?
- Richard Burton.

- No.
- Yes.

- Yes, somebody saw him come in and
the words spread like wildfire.
- I'll bet.

Oh, the lobby is filled with screaming
women determined to get your autograph.

It is the most... it is you!

- True.
- Oh, no.

Oh, no. It is you.

It really is.

Oh, and the things I said.

Oh, I apologize.

Can you ever forgive
me, Your Highness?

No ceremony please.
Just kiss my ring and get up.

Oh, but can you ever forgive me?

You're forgiven everything.

- And now if you don't mind, I'll leave.
- No, no, no, Mr. Burton.

You have a problem. You'd
never get through the lobby.

But may I suggest
that you wait here.

I'll go downstairs and
spread the rumor that you

have run out the back
way to the parking lot.

Then you can slip
out the front door.

Oh, bless you, dear boy.

Well, it's the least I can do for
you. We have so much in common.

- Oh, we do?
- Oh, yes, yes.

During my college
days, I starred in our

drama clubs version of
Anthony and Cleopatra.

Ahh.

- Ah wonderful role, Anthony.
- He was Cleopatra.

It was an all boys' school.

Well, I'll see that you
get out of here safely.

Leave everything to me.

A cab, a cab.

My kingdom for a cab.

Well, I... I don't supposed
there's no point in standing around.

Oh, no.

No, we really shouldn't
just stand around, I guess.

- By the way.
- What? What?

I, I don't know your name.

Oh, that's right. We never
were really introduced, were we?

Well, my name is...

ah, Lucille Carter.
What's yours? Oh.

I'm terribly sorry. I
already know that.

How's the missus?

The missus is fine, thank you.

Oh, that's good.

Oh, would you care for some gum.

No, thank you. It's one of
the few vices I don't have.

Oh. Well, I do think I
will partake of some.

Kind of sticks to my caps.

Are you sure you won't
have some? It's rather tasty.

No, thank you, sweetheart.

Sweetheart? Oh.

Yet here. There it is.

Aboard, aboard for shame.

A cab awaits.

Thank you, thank you so much.
You're a gentleman and a scholar.

And if ever you need
a plumber, call me.

- What, what's that about a plumber?
- Yes.

Yes, we're probably the
only people in the whole

world to have their plumbing
fixed by Richard Burton.

Come on, I'll show you.

- He even fixed it very well.
- He did?

No more ploo,
ploo, ploo, ploo, ploo.

Well, that's a relief.

Oh, look, he, he wore these.

I may have them bronzed.

- He left something in the pocket.
- Oh, right.

Oh.

You don't supposed...

Well, couldn't be.

- There's just one way to find out.
- But we're not going to do it.

- Well, maybe you're not, but I am.
- What?

Aw, aw, oh, Harry.

Isn't it gorgeous?

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh.

Wait, what are you doing?

I'm doing what every red-blooded woman in
America would do. I'm going to try it on.

- No, you are not, Lucy!
- Yes, I am!

Oh, did you ever see
anything that big in your life?

Oh, it's so, so bright.

Maybe we shouldn't look
at it with the naked eye.

- Oh, oh, oh.
- Yeah, yeah, all right.

All right. Lucille, Lucille,
Lucille, you've had your jolly.

- No, not yet, not yet.
- Oh, please, Lucille,
please, put it back in the box.

- No, Harry. Please. Please.
- Put, put, put, put, put...

Please, please, put it back.

That's really it,
Harry. That's really it.

- Come on. Come on. Put it in.
- Oh, all right.

- Here were go, in here.
- OK.

- I may faint.
- Yeah.

Oh, Harry, in my whole
life I never thought...

I never did either -

Lucille, Lu-Lu-Lucille.

You're not going to
give me that cognac.

Can't get out my finger.

- But I can't.
- Oh, nonsense, nonsense.

- You can get it.
- Harry, you're hurting me.

- Harry, you're hurting me.
- All right.

There's just one thing to do.

We'll have to cut it off.

Cut this beautiful ring.

No. You're fat little finger.

Harry, you wouldn't.

Lucille. Lucille,
look at it this way.

There's only one ring like this,
and you'll still have nine fingers left.

But, Harry, stop it.

Harry. Harry.

This thing is stuck with you.
I know what I'm going to do.

Hello again.

- I forgot something.
- Oh?

Yes. It's what you might
call the missus's ring.

What makes you think I
got it stuck on my finger?

Are you trying to tell me that you
put the ring on and you can't get it off?

Yes, sir. I'm afraid I did it and
now, my knuckles all swollen.

Oh, rubbish.

Ah, ooh, Your Highness.

Oh, oh.

Oh, I, I guess, you're
slightly annoyed at me.

There's a press party tonight and
all the columnist have to see that ring.

- Come on.
- Where are you taking her?

Who cares?

Elizabeth.

Elizabeth.

Elizabeth, where are you?

What?

May I present Lucille Carter.
This is my wife, Elizabeth.

Hello. How are you?

Your eyes really are lavender.

Wait till she hears the news,
and mine will be black and blue.

What do you mean, love?

Well, what would you think if I'd told you
I turned plumber, mended her leaky pipes,

met a man who was
Cleopatra, and she's got your

ring on her finger,
and she can't get it off.

Ha-ha-ha.

I'd say your c*ck hour
started a little early today.

But really he is telling the truth, and
incidentally he's a wonderful plumber.

Ah, well, that's good to know
if my pipes ever get leaky.

- But really he is telling the truth.
- Aaahhh.

You're not kidding.
She does have it on.

Yeah. And I can't get it off.

Oh, oh, Richard.

But the press is going to be here in a
few minutes. What are we going to do?

I know.

Well, come here. We'll
pour champagne over it.

Champagne?

- Champagne is good for everything.
- Really?

I wash my hair in it.

You wash your hair in champagne?

Oh really? I wash
my hair in beer.

Oh! Oh, Your Majesty.

Oh, oh, she's little
but she's strong.

Oh, please. It isn't coming off, isn't
there something else we can do?

Does the word
amputation ring a bell?

It is rather awkward.

Richard, I've got to have that
ring for the press party, love.

Well, perhaps, we'll have to
call off the press party, love.

Well, I have an idea,
love, but it's pretty wild.

- We like it.
- But you haven't even heard it yet.

Whatever it is we like it.

Oh, well, I'll tell her
then she can tell you.

Mr. Burton, Russell Smith,
The Los Angeles Times.

How are you, Russel? You
know Elizabeth, of course?

- Yes, of course, how are you?
- Nice to see you.

I don't like to be crass,
but could I see the ring.

Ah, the ring.

The ring.

- So you'd like to see the ring?
- Yes.

Ah, ha-ha-ha.

We got it out of a
crackerjack barrel.

You mean box.

Yeah.

Hello, Joyce Haber
with The Times.

Yes, Joyce Haber of The
Times. You know Elizabeth.

- Of course.
- Yes, of course, lovely to see you.

I'm dying to see the ring.

Ah, yes.

Absolutely fabulous.

It's fantastic the way it
picks up the light, isn't it?

Yes.

Thank you, thank you.

See you later.

- Hello, Richard.
- Hello, Jim.

Hi, Jim Baken, The
Los Angles Harold.

- How are you?
- Hi. Good to see you, love.

- You look sensational, Elizabeth.
- Why, thank you, love.

Hello, Richard.

I'm Vernon Scott, United
Press International.

- How are you, Vernon?
- That's the ring?

- Yes, that's the ring.
- Yes.

Amazing.

Thank you.

Oh, drink.

Oh, wow.

- A drink.
- Thank you.

And they called me
a two-fisted drinker.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Of all the sinks in Los Angeles
and you had to pick her faucet.

I'm truly sorry about
the whole thing.

I forgive you, love.

Do you forgive me?

Shall we forgive her?

Yes.

We forgive her.

Thank you. Ohh.