03x06 - Lucy, the Co-Ed

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucy Arnaz, and Desi Arnaz, Jr.

Kim and Craig are taking me to lunch.
Is it all right if I leave a little early?

Harry?

Harry?

Hello, Harry!

- Harry, how about a raise?
- Not on your life.

I thought that would do it.

Ugh, back to reality.

- Ever since that Gloria Pendleton came
to town you have been in another world.
- Yeah.

Boy, that must have been some
romance when you were in college.

Yes indeed. Indeed it was.

- She reawakens something in me
I thought was long forgotten.
- Oh?

Suddenly, I had this feeling,
this burning deep inside me.

Hah, such was true love.

Such is true indigestion.

Thank you, dear Abby.

But don't worry Harry,
you'll get over Gloria.

- After all, you got over
Dorothy Lamore.
- So I did. So I did.

Well, when Gloria gets here,
I'll be all business, all business.

I'll only talk about the musical show
we're doing for the college reunion.

I'll be calm and collected.

No sentimentality and
no interruptions from you.

Oh, don't worry.
You won't have a bit.

Kim and Craig are
taking me to lunch.

Good. Good, good, good, good.

- Good morning!
- Gloria!

Oh my God!

Oh, you look ravishing!

You look absolutely beautiful.

Oh, thank you, Windy.

Windy?

That was my college nickname.

Oh, how did ever
think of calling you that?

Gloria, tell me, have you
had any luck casting our show?

- No, Windy, I'm afraid not.
- Oh.

It's impossible to get
the alumni together.

All the old graduates
are so spread out.

- Nothing personal, Windy.
- Oh, well...

- Hi, mom!
- Hi there!

- Oh! Hello.
- Oh, hello, Kim. Hello, Craig.

- Mrs. Pendleton, these are
my children, Kim, and Craig.
- Hello, nice to meet you.

- They're taking me to
lunch in a few moments.
- Oh!

- They're taking you to lunch now.
- Oh. Oh, all right, we'll go.

- See you later.
- Bye!

Now, then, about our show...

Oh, Windy, why don't you take
over and cast the show yourself.

I mean surely you must know some
talented people who would like to be in it.

Well... let me see... hmm...

Where do we go to sign up?

- Sign up for what?
- Your show!

You're not signing up for
anything. Go to lunch. Go to lunch.

Hey, now, wait a minute,
Windy. Maybe they could do it.

Remember, we're desperate.

- We're not that desperate.
- Oh, Harry!

- Oh, would you really
like to help us out?
- Yes! We'd love to.

Yeah, it would be a lot of fun!

Maybe we can get some
of our friends to help too.

- Yeah!
- Oh, that's marvelous!

Well, Windy, why not?

Well, the kids are certainly talented
enough and she's certainly old enough.

Well, okay, okay.

- Oh good.
- Now look at your show on.

- Uncle Harry, is this the show you
wrote when you were in college?
- Yeah.

- Oh, what's it about?
- It's about my college days.

- Oh! I'd always wanted to do
a show about the g*y 90s.
- Yeah!

It wasn't the g*y 90s.

It was the roaring 20s.

And oh, how you roared!

Fellow alumni of
Bullwinkle State University,

we hope you enjoy
our musical tonight.

It was written by our
very own Harrison Carter

of the Class of '28
during his senior year.

The title, "It's always
do-whack-a-doo at Bullwinkle U!"

And so, back to the roaring 20s!

Boy, look who's coming!

It's Ginger, our
head cheerleader!

Wahoo!

[singing] Ain't she sweet,
Ginger's walking down the street.

Now, we ask you very
confidentially, ain't she sweet?

You're so cute?

We think that you're a beaut.

We're telling you're very
confidentially you're sure cute.

We wished that you,
would try to vamp us.

You know that's why I'm on
the campus. Coo-coo-chi-coo.

- We repeat.
- What?

- We think you're kind of neat.
- Yeah.

We're telling you very
confidentially, you're sure sweet.

You're sure sweet.

Thank you, fellas.
You're sweet too.

Gee, I wonder
where Crazy Hips is.

Ginger, can I buy
you a sasparilla?

Sorry, I've got a date with
my boyfriend, Crazy Hips.

Gosh!

What chance does a tenor in a
glee club have against a football hero?

Well, I don't know. But, why don't you
check with me after your voice changes?

- I'll work on it.
- Do that.

Hey, fellas, here comes
that cute honey bee.

- Hi ya, honey.
- Hi!

May I carry your books?

Thanks!

Drop them off at the
sorority house for me, will ya?

Gee, I wanted to walk
you home, not the books!

Well, you came out ahead.

The books won't try to
mooch a soda off you.

Say, that's quite a
stack of books, honey.

What are you majoring in?

Boys!

This week, I'm in love
with the Dead End Kid.

Dead End Kid?

Listen, why do they call
him the Dead End Kid?

Well, he's the substitute quarterback
and he's sitting on the bench all the time.

Oh yeah, those
splinters got to him, huh?

Oh say, do they have
grizzly bears on this campus?

- Of course not. Why?
- Look!

Oh, that's my
boyfriend, Dead End.

Hi girls.

- Hi, you Dead End.
- Hi, honey.

Hey, dead end, why
were you limping?

I got hurt in the game.

- Oh.
- How?

- I feel off the bench.
- Oh.

But someday I'll get my chance.

Crazy Hips is bound
to get sick or injured

and I'll get out there
on that old field and

win it for good old Bullwinkle.

Gee, there's a lot of
rover boy in that kid.

Oh, here comes Crazy Hips.

No photographs, please.

Honestly, I wonder how anybody
could ever tell he's a football hero.

[singing] Baby face, you
got the cutest little baby face.

There's not another one
could take your place.

Baby face.

Your poor hearts are jumping,
I sure have started something.

Baby face, we're up in heaven
when we're in your fond embrace.

We didn't need to shout because we just
fell in love with your pretty baby face.

We didn't need a shove
because we just fell in love

- with my pretty baby,
- you're pretty baby,

- my pretty baby face.
- Fa-do-deo-dote

Hello, cutie, here's
your sweet patootie.

I must say, I have
seen sweeter patooties.

Crazy Hips, do you always have to wear that
stupid uniform every time we have a date?

Well, when you're a super hero,
you always have to look the part.

Well, you two sure make a
great couple, a pigskin and a ham.

Now, Ginger, you don't
deserve a boyfriend like me.

I didn't deserve chicken
pox either but I got them.

- Hiya feeling, pal?
- Shipshape.

Too bad.

- Well, I got to go. So long.
- Oh!

- Honey!
- Oh!!

Honey, would you like to take a
little spin with me in my Model T?

- Oh, well, will you promise not to park?
- Okay.

- And you won't try to neck.
- All right, I won't.

And when you take me home, you won't
put your arm around me and try to kiss me.

Absolutely positively not!

Mister, you just talked
yourself out of the date.

Hey kids, come here! There's
bad news about Crazy Hips!

Oh!

What about Crazy hips?
What about crazy hips?

- Crazy Hips, you flunked
History and Chemistry.
- Oh no!

And the dean says if you
don't pass the makeup exams,

you can't play in the big game
Saturday against North Keokuk.

They can't do this me! I came
here on a football scholarship.

I didn't come here
to learn anything.

Oh, wait a minute now
Crazy Hips, you'll still play.

We'll coach you.

Yeah! I can coach in Chemistry.

And I'm a whiz in History.
I got 110 in my last test.

How did you get 110?

I answered the question
they didn't even ask.

Hey, wait a minute,
what's the big worry?

- If he can't play, I will.
- That's a big worry!

Ginger, Ginger, if I pass
the exams and win the game,

will you be my steady
and wear my fraternity pin?

I will if I can find room.

Yahoo!

Listen everybody, we
got a lot of work to do now.

We got all buckled down
for good old Bullwinkle U!

Yeah!

[singing] Buckle down,
Bullwinkle, buckle down.

You can win Bullwinkle
if you buckle down.

Crazy Hips must play.

It will be our game.

We're going to topple
state, so buckle down.

Knock em down
Bullwinkle, knock them out.

We can win, Bullwinkle
if we buckle down.

And with Crazy Hips,
we can beat those Trips.

We'll be in the jets if
we only buckle down.

Two, four, six, eight,
who do we appreciate?

Crazy Hips, Crazy Hips, Yeah!

Knock them down
Bullwinkle, knock them down.

We can win, Bullwinkle
if we buckle down.

And with Crazy Hips
we can beat those Trips.

We'll be in the chips if
we will only buckle down.

B-U-L-L,

B-U-L-L, B-U-L-L Bullwinkle!

Rah!

But don't you understand, Crazy
Hips, we can get in big trouble!

Now, why did you ask the girls to come
here and coach you instead of the library?

Because at the library, my
adoring fans won't leave me alone.

They maul me, they snap
the elastic in my knickers.

- And another thing...
- What?

Marian the librarian keeps
intercepting my passes.

Listen, if the girls get
caught in the fraternity

house, we're all
going to be thrown out.

How can you be so stupid?

Hey, Dead End, don't get me mad.

I got a whole list of guys in this house I
can beat up and your name is on the list.

You can't beat me up.

- Oh, I can't, can I?
- No, you can't!

All right, I'll take
your name off the list.

- Oh, I guess I better study
like a good dumbbell should.
- Now, you're talking.

- Who's there?
- Open up!

Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.
These fellows are here to help Crazy Hips!

Some fellows! Hiya Ginger!

Great disguise you thought of.

Can I help it if my femininity
comes through with slickers?

Come on, these girls are
here to help Crazy pass

his exams so we can
play in the game Saturday.

Now, you want to win the game,
right? Come on, give us a break!

Oh boy! Crazy Hips,
are you in bad shape.

Your professor said he gave you
the easiest questions in the world.

How can you possibly have
flunked that History test?

Well, It wasn't fair.

He asked me questions about
things that happened before I was born.

That covers everything back
to the battle of Bunker Hill.

There was a Batter
of Bunker Hill?

Why am I always
the last to know?

It was in all of the papers.

Oh, you're a big help.

- Now, listen Crazy Hips.
- What?

You have just...

- Who's there?
- It's the Dean.

Oh, hi Dean, nice of you to
knock as you're passing by.

I wasn't planning
to pass by. Open up.

Quick! Hide!

Not you, the girls!

Open the door!

Will you please open?

You're not hiding,
get out of there!

Here, here. Under
there. Under there.

- That's very good!
- That's very bad!

- That's very bad!
- Yeah, get out of there.

What's going on in
there? Open the door!

Well, get in the closet!
In the closet. In...

You must open this door!

Well, do you
have a girl in here?

Oh no, sir. If you're looking for a
girl, you'll have to go somewhere else.

I mean there was a report that
girls entered this fraternity house.

- Oh, no sir, we only pledge boys.
- You know what I mean.

Now, two coeds
were seen entering...

I smell perfume!

Sir, you have
discovered my secret.

You, our all American
hero, wear perfume?

Well, it's the latest rage, sir. It's
called Lucky Lindy Number five.

Do you expect
me to swallow that?

No, you dab it behind your ears.

- Now, that we've explained that,
can we get back to our studies?
- You've explained nothing.

[sneezing]

What was that?

A mouse.

A mouse?

- [sneezing]
- A mouse with a cold?

This is Dean Butler speaking.
Whoever is in that closet, come out!

Oh sir, I don't think that will work.
You see, we don't have trained mice.

Oh, enough of that mice
talk. Now, come on out.

Hey, George, the next
time we go in the dark room,

you got to remember to
take the camera and the film.

You ain't kidding, Charlie.

- Yeah, well goodbye fellows,
see you around.
- Yeah, I'll be seeing you.

Just a moment, George and
Charlie, take off those caps!

They can't, sir. It's
part of their initiation.

I have a feeling it's part
of their being expelled too.

Now, off with those caps.

Oh, Ginger and
Honey, I thought so.

Well, you know what all these
means, girls in the fraternity house.

Now, deansy weensy,
don't be like that.

You know we were only trying to
help Crazy Hips pass his exams.

I'm sorry. Rules are rules.

Step aside, this is
the job for the big girls.

Now, you want us to win the
big game, don't you, deanie baby?

George, Charlie, you
fellows are in the clear.

- You're the bees knees.
- Oh, and the cat's pajamas.

But as for you, there will be no special
treatment or any coddling of the kind.

You can't play in the
big game because you

flunked your exams in
Chemistry and History.

- Yeah, but, but— - Oh, never mind
the buts. I'll give your exam right here.

Now, what is H20 and
who discovered America?

H20 is the license
on my motorcycle and

America was discovered
by Benjamin Franklin.

Well, that's close enough.

Congratulations. You've passed!

Now we'll go out
and win the big game!

- [singing] collegiate,
- collegiate,

yes we are collegiate nothing
intermediate, no ma'am!

Football hero, all
I get are zeroes

but I reached
the railroad, yeah.

Marriage is a goal
that we have set

but they're glad I settled
for what they can get.

Very, very little
type of studies.

We're no fuddy duddies.
We're collegiate yes siree.

Collegiate. Collegiate,
yes we are collegiate.

Nothing intermediate,
we're collegiate rah, rah, rah.

We're collegiate all our way.

Yea!

[singing] Buckle down,
Bullwinkle, buckle down.

We won the game Bullwinkle
because we buckled down.

We won it play by play,
it was sure our way.

We're never too ashamed
because we really bucked down.

Yea!

All right, quiet
everyone. Quiet!

Now, to help lead us in
this joyous celebration,

I'd like to present our head cheerleader
and vice president of our student body

who I might add has an attractive student
body of her own, Miss Ginger Willybee.

Thank you, Dean.

And now, it is my
pleasure to introduce the

one man who is
responsible for our victory,

Crazy Hips.

Yea!

And why was he the man
responsible for our victory?

Because he was injured on the very first
play of the game and had to be taken out.

Yea!

Please, I'd like to say
a few words about the

man who made all the
touchdowns, my understudy.

He made those touchdowns because
I taught him everything he knows.

I taught him how to run; I
taught him how to tackle.

I taught him how to carry the
ball. I taught him how to be clever.

Oh, brother, now I know
who put the bull in Bullwinkle.

Okay, everybody, let's
bring out the real hero

of today, let's hear it
for the Dead End Kid!

Yea!

Thank you. Thank you.

Hey, Dead End Kid, show us that wild
pass, that won us all those touchdowns.

Oh sure, I'd be glad too.

Oh, that was wonderful.

- You want to see it again?
- No.

And now, I think
Ginger has a romantic

announcement to make
about a certain lucky fella.

I sure have.

I want you all to know that I'm
the happiest girl in the whole world.

I just promised to be
the bride of Dean Butler.

Ginger, this comes as
a terrible shock to me.

I'll never get over it.

- Oh, yes you will, Crazy Hips.
- No, I won't, never, never, never.

Oh, cheer up, Crazy Hips.

Will you marry me?

- Yes!
- Good!

[singing] Here is the
drag, see how it goes,

down on your heels,
up on your toes,

that's the way to
do the varsity drag.

Here's to the Dean, king of them all,
and cheers to queen, they'll have a ball.

Marriage surely beats
that going out stag.

You can pass maybe a class
whether you're dumb or wise.

If you all answer the call, when
the old Dean cried, "Everybody."

Down on your heels.
Upon on your toes,

stay after school
and learn how it goes,

everybody do the varsity drag.

Everybody!