03x07 - Lucy, the American Mother

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz and Desi Arnaz Jr.

Craig, what is all this?
What are you doing?

Well, I, I'm making
a documentary.

It's called "A Day
in the Life of..."

- A day in the life of whom?
- My mother.

Mom's going to be the star
only she doesn't know it yet.

I'm going to follow her
through an entire day.

Oh, really. She may get a little perturbed
when you follow her into the shower.

Oh, well, I'm not
going to go that far.

I just hope that mom doesn't freeze
up in front of the camera, you know.

Ooh, maybe this will help.

Craig, what difference does it make?
It's just a dinky little homemade movie.

You don't win to expect
to win an Academy Award.

Well, I could if it
wasn't for one thing.

- You can't afford to buy
film, - No, but you're close.

I could only afford to buy
enough film for a 12-minute picture.

One sneeze and
you miss the plot.

Why don't you start out big with a shot
of the family's glamorous young teenager?

"Ahh, the calla lilies are in
bloom again. Such a lovely flower."

[singing] Every little breeze
seems to whisper Louise.

Birds in the trees
seem to whisper Louise.

"Peter, Peter you read
the letter didn't you?"

Don't call us. We'll call you.

Now then, I wonder which way
mom is going to be coming down?

From the living
room or the stairway?

Craig, I think it's very sneaky you making
a movie about mother without warning her.

You know, no woman
looks her best in the morning.

Kim, this isn't a
woman. It's mom.

And she always looks beautiful.

Ahh, ahh, ahh.

- Mother?
- What? Oh.

- Oh, good morning, Kim.
- Good morning.

I didn't know you were up,
baby. Good morning, Craig.

Mustn't wear your cap
in you're the house, dear.

What do you want for
breakfast? The usual?

OK.

Mother?

- Mother?
- Whoa!

Oh, oh, I must have dozed off.

Last night I watched
the late show and a late,

late show, and the
late, late, late show.

- What are you doing with that camera?
- Ah, surprise.

I'm doing a documentary on you.

Not when I look like a bride
of Frankenstein, you're not.

And I don't want to
be the one to say I told

you so, Craig, but
I told you so, Craig.

Aw, come on, mom. I might get lucky and
sell this to a big motion picture company.

Well, at least, let me go
upstairs and put on my face.

No, no, no, no. This
is a documentary.

We have to tell it like it is.

Yeah, well, in my age it's
better to tell it like it was.

Fix your own breakfast.

Mother, I think I'll give
Steve Bailey a call.

Maybe we can have
breakfast out together.

Hold it, hold it.

What's this about Steve Bailey
and you going out together?

He's just a fellow, mother.

A fellow?

We've only been out
together five times. Don't worry.

Only five times.

These days that's
grounds for marriage.

And just who is this boy
and what are his motives?

Strictly ulterior. All he
wants to do is hug and kiss.

- What?
- Oh, mother.

Now, listen, you
bring him around here.

I have the right to meet
my future son-in-law.

Mother, he's not your future
son-in-law, at least not yet.

- Aha, aha, aha, but he could be?
- Well...

Yeah, well, if he's going to
have mother-in-law trouble,

he better know about it
before the grandchildren arrive.

Grandchildren! Mother,
we're not even engaged.

Yeah, those are the worst kind.

All right, okay. I'll bring Steve
by later and you can meet him.

You'll like him.
He's very intelligent.

He's majoring in
abnormal psychology.

What's the matter, couldn't you find a
boy who's majoring a normal psychology?

- Mother!
- Mother!

Oh, mother.

Cut, cut, cut, the
scene. Cut, cut, cut.

I have to leave it.
That was sensational.

Oh, chicky, honey,
that was really groovy.

In all my years as a
sensational director, I

have never seen such
a fabulous performance.

That was all real slice of life.

Oh, now, wait a minute, Craig.

I don't want my intimate
life sliced on film like baloney.

Sorry, chicky baby, but if you're
life happens to be a little spicy,

my film just might
get an XRL rating.

What's an XRL rating?

- Parents must be accompanied
by their children.
- Oh.

All right, now, mom. Remember, I'm
going to hide the microphone in the fruit.

- OK?
- Uh-huh.

Now, just be natural and
remember what I told you.

Yeah, OK. I put this
jug first and then I talk.

-

Right. OK. You're ready to go?
When I say action, you put it down.

- Yeah.
- OK. Here we go.

OK.

Action.

Talk.

Ah, ah.

Here I am. An average
American mother, ah, ready, uhm.

Cut, cut, wait a
minute. Hold it minute.

No, no. Mom, what are you doing?
Making a fourth of July speech?

I know it's difficult. You've never
been in front of a camera before.

But let me give
you a few tips, OK.

I'm always willing to learn.

All right. Now, now, first of
all. You have to be yourself.

Yeah.

- You got to act natural.
- Yeah.

Make believe that
the camera isn't there.

Now, maybe if you
threw a sheet over it.

Listen, I tell you what.

- Why don't we walk around the room
a little bit and loosen up, OK.
- OK, come on.

No, no, no, no. We
use we as a director,

but you walk around the
room, loosen up and just walk

normally around the
room. I'll get a shot of you.

- Oh, OK. Uh-huh.
- OK?

You're doing fine.

You're doing great.
Really you are. Terrific.

Thank you.

- When I say action, go.
- Thank you.

Here we go. OK?

Action.

Ah, ah, turn towards
the camera, mom.

Ah, smile a little.

Oh.

Keep walking, here we go.

Ah, mom, be a
little more animated.

Ah, ah, cut.

No, no, no. That is all wrong.

You don't understand.

What are you doing? Trudging
through a La Brea tar pits.

I'm sorry.

- You have to realize that I have
a fortune tied up in this movie.
- Really?

Yes, I do. Over $76.

- Oh.
- That's right.

- Now, either you
follow my directions or...
- Or you get another mother?

Look, Craig, maybe you ought
to get an actress to play me.

Maybe somebody
like Raquel Welch,

Carol Burnett,

Don Knotts.

[doorbell rang] Excuse me.

Lucille, do you have to
water your lawn so often?

I slipped. I almost broke my neck
with... what's he doing with that camera?

He's sh**ting a documentary.

- You mean I'm on film?
- Yes.

Yeah!

Greetings loved ones.

The sun is shining.
The birds are singing

and all is right for the world.

So be of good cheer,
lovable Harry is here.

And how is my sweet
wonderful sister-in-law?

Oh, just fine, Harry, dear.

Oh, by the way, Harry,
your wonderful sister-in-law

could use a
teensy-weensy little $5 raise.

A poultry. $5. Pish, tarsh.

Let's make it an important $15.

- Oh, Harry, a $15 raise?
- Yes.

Cut!

Harry, how wonderful,
Thank you. A $15 raise.

Oh, you dreamer, you.
That was for the camera.

He's doing a documentary,
not science fiction.

Oh, Harry!

And for your sake I
hope your insurance

covers the fall I took
on your wet sidewalk.

Oh, I'll pay for it out of the
rise that I'm not going to get.

Oh, really, Lucille. I could...

Hey, Craig, what this
documentary all about?

Well, I'm calling it "A Day
in the Life of My Mother".

Not a bad idea.

The daily antics of your mother make Laurel
and Hardy look like Sears and Roebuck.

But now, ah, what are
you going to do with it?

Oh, I intend to sell it. You know,
documentaries are very big these days.

True, true.

And how much profit do you
expect to realize on this venture?

Well, let's see. If I get back my negative
cost and the cost of renting the equipment

and the processing fees
I stand to lose about $76.

Howard Hughes you will never be.

You can never tell what these
documentaries, Uncle Harry.

Some of them won Academy Awards.

That's right. Some
of them do. Yes, yes.

A day in the life
of your mother.

Craig, you should make
this a feature picture.

Oh, no, no. I couldn't
do that, Uncle Harry.

How can I pay off the nut?

Please, have some
respect for your mother.

What?

Would you like me to
bank roll this venture?

Oh, wow, would I. I'd
make you an equal partner.

Then it's a deal.

OK. It's a deal.

- Good. I'll have my lawyers draw
up the papers right away.
- OK.

Oh. This is going to
be fun. So long, partner.

- Mom!
- Want to finish my scene now?

No, no, no. We don't have time for
that. Steve's going to be here in a minute.

- Now, remember, the
microphone is hidden in the fruit.
- Yeah.

- So, have Steve talk into the banana.
- Yeah.

Oh, OK. I'll have Kim aim
him right at the banana.

No, no, no, no, no. I
don't want them to do that.

You see, I don't want them to know
that they are being photographed.

- That way they'll be much more natural.
- Oh.

OK, now, when they get in, make
sure they are facing the closet.

Why?

Because I'm taking the
scene through the closet door.

Does your camera take x-rays?

Come here.

- I drilled a hole on the door.
- You what?

I drilled a hole on the
door. Look. [doorbell]

Mother, that's Steve.
Will you let him in?

Yes, dear.

OK. Remember, have
him face the closet.

Yeah, OK. Don't inhale the camphor in
there. You know what it does to the moths.

Have him face the closet
and talk to the bananas.

- Hi. I'm Steve Bailey.
- Hello.

Well, hi, I'm Kim's
mother, Mrs. Banana.

- Mrs. Carter. Won't you come in
and just face the closet.
- Ooh.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
I'm terribly sorry.

Oh, that's OK.

Hi, Steve. What happened?

Oh, he was kind of nervous
meeting me for the first time, I guess.

Why don't we all sit down
over here and get acquainted.

Now, you two just relax on
the couch and face the closet.

I mean, face the light.
Now, I'll get you some tea.

See the pretty banana?

Well, Steve, how are you
doing in the psychology

essay contest? Have
they picked the winner yet?

Well, the Dean said
we'll know later today.

Boy, I sure could use
that $100 first prize.

Oh, I bet.

Here we are,
nice hot piping tea.

There you are.

- There's one for you, dear.
- Thank you.

- And for you, sir.
- Thank you.

Now, what would you
prefer? Lemon or cream?

- Just cream, please.
- Yes, sir.

My, it's certainly is a pleasure.
I can't tell you how proud I am.

As an American mother,
I certainly am proud...

Mother! Oh, mother, stop.

Mother!

Oh, good heavens.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Oh, dear. I guess this isn't
one of my better American days.

I've had better ones too.

- I just remember I got to go.
- Oh?

Well, nice meeting
you, Mrs. Carter.

Excuse me.

I'll be seeing you, Kim.

So long.

Well, mother, you
shot another one down.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

He's one of the nicest
boys I've ever met.

And I'm 19, I haven't
got many good years left.

Oh, honey, please. I'm
sorry. It was an accident.

See, I was looking toward the closet.
I wanted Craig to get a good shot.

Craig!

That's it, Kim, good. Make
it dramatic. Cry a little more.

Put a little schmaltz
into the scene.

- Oh, I'll schmaltz you.
- Oh, terrific.

Oh, here, here, that's a
library book. Throw this one.

Oh!

Oh, poor Kim.

Honestly, why did Kim
have to have a mother?

She should have been better
off if she had been hatched.

And turn that thing off.

Mother!

Mom.

Yes, dear. What is it?

It's Steve. He just
pulled in the driveway.

You mean he came back?

Yes, and I wasn't expecting.
I'm not even dressed.

- Will you let him in?
- Yes, dear.

Oh, goodness.

- Hi, Mrs. Carter.
- Hi.

- I think this is your doorknob.
- Oh, thank you.

It sure is nice seeing
you again, Steve.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

I was doing the dishes.

- Hi, Steve.
- Please forgive me.
- Hi.

What happened now?

I should put a sign outside the
house, "Beware of the Mother".

That's OK, Mrs. Carter.

Coming here is just like going
through another fraternity initiation.

- Hi, beautiful.
- Hi.

- Look, why don't you two kids sit down?
- OK.

- And ladies, I have some news for you.
- What?

You are looking at the winner of the
school's psychology essay contest.

Oh, Steve! Oh, you
deserve a great big kiss.

Oh, he sure does.

And I have is
my, my first prize.

- 100 bucks.
- Oh, Steve, I'm so proud of you.

A $100.

Why these days $100 could buy
just about $10 worth of groceries.

- Oh, gee, may I see that?
- Oh, sure.

Oh, well. Hello
Ben Franklin. Is it...

Mother, I think I hear the
water running in the kitchen.

Yeah, if it isn't, I'll turn
it out and drown myself.

I'm sorry, Steve.

Do come back again. I'm
usually out on Wednesday nights.

Look, Kim, don't get me
wrong. I like your mother.

But?

Do accidents always
happened around her?

And this is one
of her good days.

- Here, let me take that up for you.
- OK.

Oh, Steve, I just can't get over you're
winning that contest. That's really wild.

Well, let's celebrate.

Look, there's a new group
at the Rock and Roll Palace.

Spooky Brown and his
Electric Goose Pimples.

Crazy.

OK. Now, all we have to do is let this set
and we can pick it up when we get back.

- Oh, great.
- There.

What you do without me?

I don't know and I
don't want to find out.

Come on.

Boy, how did those poor moths
survive in all that camphor?

Uncle Harry, I don't know why
we're wasting all this film on Kim.

I mean mom is the
star of the documentary.

Now, listen, listen, partner.

A little smooching
adds spice to the picture

and long panting
lines at the box office.

[knocking at the door] Lucy,
what happened to your doorknob?

- Who's that?
- That's Mary Jane, mom's friend.

Oh, oh, well. You get some
fresh film. I'll sh**t this scene.

- Go ahead.
- Yeah, OK.

What are you doing?

Er, oh, I'm helping
Craig with his film.

The doorbell rang, answer the door.
You know how to answer the door.

It's your friend, Mary
Jane. Oh, oh, you got...

Yes.

- Just keep gabbing like
you do in the office.
- OK.

- Be natural.
- OK.

Why, hello, Mary Jane.

Hey, how come you
haven't got a doorknob?

Doesn't your cheap boss
pay you enough money?

What cheap boss? I
don't have a cheap boss.

Oh, come on.

You told me he's so
cheap, he takes doggie bags

home from restaurants
and he even got a doggie.

Ah, look, I'm sorry. You have
to be rushing off, Mary Jane.

Oh, I don't have to go
any place, just the library.

- Oh, swell, you can
take a book back for me.
- Yeah, but I don't have to...

There's a 50 cent fine
on the back, so you pay it.

I'll trust you. I'll trust
you, dear. Thanks a lot.

"He always insist on a doggie
bag and he isn't even got a doggie."

All right. Just a little joke, Harry.
Where's your sense of humor.

Oh, I have a great
sense of humor. Ha-ha-ha.

Ha-ha-ha...

What's so funny?

The book you just gave your
friend to return to the library

has the $100 bill in it that
Steve won in the contest.

Oh, no! Why didn't you
tell me before she left?

What a great
scene. I should sh**t.

Oh, good, that...

Oh, I'll go through the kitchen. I'll
get that money back if it kills me.

What's with mom?

Oh, look, look, we're
going on a location.

Your mother turned loose in a library
looking for a $100 bill is got to be wild.

Come on, let's go.

Oh, excuse me. I
have a terrible problem.

I don't smoke.

I have a terrible problem.

A friend of mine brought
a book in here and I'm...

Keep your voice down.

Oh.

I can't hear a word you say.

A friend of mine just
returned a book called

Kiss Me Stranger
and it has $100 bill in it,

and I've got to find out before
somebody reads it and spends it.

Oh, I suggest you check the card
catalogue, the tables, the shelves.

The, the cards, shelves, the
catalogues, shelves, tables.

Oh, excuse me, kiss me stranger?

Forget it, honey.
My wife is in town.

Hey, what are you doing?

Oh, I'm sorry. This isn't the
book that I was looking for.

- You have to stop making noise.
- Oh, he made the noise.

- Yeah, but you pulled my chair out.
- Shh, shh, shh.

- Miss, be quiet or get out.
- Yeah, all right. OK.

I just got to find that money
in that book before I lose

a son-in-law and even before
my daughter gets engaged.

Keep talking, lady. That story is
better than the one I'm reading.

Shh.

I just put some books
back up on the shelves.

- Why don't you look up there?
- OK, thank you.

Now, I wasn't making any noise.

That's enough!

If you two want to play
piggyback, go outside.

Let me down.

Well, I'm sorry, lady. I
didn't mean to pick you up.

What makes you think you could?

I must ask you to
behave yourself or leave.

It wasn't my fault.

All right. I'll
behave, I'll behave.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Ah.

What are you doing?

Oh, could you hear
that way over there?

Oh, Mary Jane.

Lucy, I've been trying to get in touch with
you, but this book has $100 bill in it.

I know. Oh, Mary Jane,
you are an absolute doll.

If you hadn't found this, I don't
know what I would have done.

I'm so happy, I could flip out.

Aw. Oh.

Oh, well, don't you just
stand there. Help her.

Now, I have warned you.
This time you have to leave.

Well, give me a hand.

Wow, wow, wow, wow.

Shows you can't tell a
book by its cover. Ha-ha.

Oh, boy, this is going
to be a wonderful picture.

Don't forget I'm the star.

Oh, no, you're
not. You're out of it.

We got a new star. Come on,
let's get her. Come on, come on.

Lucy, what's all this about?

For an hour and a half,
I was the leading lady.

- Ooh.
- Yes. Oh, yes. That's it.

Follow that star.