03x09 - Lucy Cuts Vincent's Price

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz, and Desi Arnaz, Jr.

We have a lot of wonderful
bargains to sell you tonight, folks.

So, let's keep things
moving right along.

Here we have a rare antique
chair by Thomas Chippendale,

over 250 years old, so
it's practically brand new.

What is my bid?

Imagine that, 250 years old.

- In marvelous condition.
- Well, it should be.

I bet nobody sat down on it for those


Oh! Shh.

- I don't think Craig has been
bitten by the auction bug.
- No.

I don't know why you drag
me here in the first place.

Because it's very educational.

They have lovely
refreshments and it's free.

We could have
skipped the first two.

I got one, two,
three, blillillillil

Sold! Three hundred dollars.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
may I direct your attention

to one of the most important
items in our catalogue.

Oh, look at that groovy
bed he's auctioning off.

Pay attention, Craig,
you might learn something.

This is from one of the great
homes in Washington D.C.

This bed was slept in
by president and Mrs.

Washington and
president and Mrs. Madison.

Wow, George and Martha
and James and Dolly.

Consider the possibilities.

This may be the first
auction ever rated X.

So, we start at 15, 78, 25,
sold for $2500 to that lady.

Now, our next item is
a very interesting one.

This is an unsigned painting
from the Florentine school.

What is my bid?

Oh boy, that painting is so bad
the artist was ashamed to sign it.




Mom, if you're not going to
have that cookie, can I have it?

- I want it!
- Alright divide it 50/50.

Sold to the lady for $50.50

Good heavens. I wonder
what idiot bought that.

Give that to the red-haired
lady in the polka dot dress.

Good heavens! I'm
the idiot who bought it.

Oh that is a masterpiece,
isn't it? Yeah.

Hahahaha.

Harry! I wasn't joking.
You just got to lend me $50.

"Harry, you just
got to lend me $50."

Lucille, you have a
wonderful sense of humor.

- Harry, I'm serious!
- So am I serious!

Fifty dollars is a lot of money.

Besides, you'd probably
spend it on something foolish.

I already spent it.

- Oh? What did you buy?
- A painting.

- A painting?
- Yes.

You spent $50 for a painting?

- Where did you get it?
- At an auction.

An auction!

Well, look, I wasn't
really bidding for it,

Harry. It was sort of
a slip of the tongue.

A slip of the tongue? You should have
had your tongue retreaded years ago.

Recapping your mouth
wouldn't hurt either.

Alright, alright, Lucille.
Where is this painting?

- It's right here.
- Oh?

My goodness.

Well, that isn't bad.

That is not bad at all.

- You really think so?
- Uh-huh.

Well, look since you're
favorite brother-in-law,

I'll let you have it for
just what it cost me, $50.

- Oh, I wouldn't think of taking
advantage of your generosity.
- Oh, please take advantage of me.

Please take advantage of me.

Lucille, Lucille, what
would I do with it?

Well, I'm sure you
have a place for it.

I did have but then, they
moved to plumbing indoors.

Oh, Harry!

Now, Lucille, this may teach
you not to go to auctions.

Well, I only took Kim
and Craig to the auction

because I couldn't afford
to take them any place else.

They have nice tea
and sandwiches there

and then I bought it
without knowing I bought it!

- Well, how can you do anything so stupid?
- I don't know.

But then, I did something
even more stupid.

Oh? What?

I wrote a check for $50
and I don't have enough

money in my checking
account to cover it.

- Oh no!
- Oh, Yeah.

Do you realize that making a check
without sufficient funds is a crime?

I know! It's arson.

Arson is when you start a fire!

Yeah, and it looks like you're
starting to fire me right now.

- No, I'm not going to fire you.
- Oh, I'm glad.

- And I'll lend you the $50.
- Oh, thank you, thank you, Harry.

- And remember Lucille, I'm just giving
this to you because of Kim and Craig.
- Oh, I know, I know.

- Oh, I can't tell you how much
I appreciate this.
- Yeah, alright.

- Oh, thank you.
- It's alright.

- I'm going to my club for lunch.
- Oh, thank you so much, Harry.

Stop licking my hand.

- Hi Lucy.
- Oh, hi Mary Jane.

- Lunch time.
- Yeah. I see your brown bagging it too.

Oh, anything is better than
that food truck downstairs.

Oh, you're not kidding.

Even that new policy
they have doesn't help.

What policy?

Well, if you get sick
while eating at the

truck, the auto club
comes and tows you away.

I'm so hungry.

What little goodie
did you bring today?

- Tuna fish in green peppers.
- Oh, I love tuna fish!

Really? What did you bring?

Peanut butter and honey.

I adore peanut butter and honey.

You know, one of the
nice things about bringing

lunch from home is you can
eat exactly what you want.

You're so right.

Mmmm.

- Lucy!
- Hmm?

- I've never tasted such good tuna.
- Mmm.

Good, oh marvelous.

- Hey, what's that?
- What?

That.

It's a painting I
got stuck with.

Stuck with?

Yeah.

It's a long story. I
bought it in an auction.

- Gee, Lucy.
- Hmm?

You know, maybe,
you're not stuck with it?

- Are you going to buy it from me?
- No.

Then I'm stuck with it.

No, but maybe this
is a valuable painting.

Maybe it was done
by a great artist.

Maybe it's worth
a million dollars.

You always tune
on with tuna fish?

Really, I just read
about this the other day.

Years ago, when artists
were too poor to buy canvass,

they take old paintings
and paint over them,

not realizing that sometimes they
were painting over real masterpieces.

- Really?
- Yeah.

A friend of mine bought
a painting in a junk shop

in Amsterdam and it was
a dirty, messy thing. Ugh.

Just terrible but when they
cleaned it up and restored it,

underneath, they found
a genuine Van Richter.

A genuine Van Richter!

How much was it worth?

Nothing.

Van Richter was a shlump.

But you see, it could have been
a Van Gogh or a Rembrandt.

Hey, you know something, Mary
Jane? The paint on here is kind of thick.

Yeah. What you have to do is find
someone to give you an honest opinion.

You should get in touch with
an art expert like Vincent Price.

- Vincent Price!
- Yeah.

Good! I'll call him right now.

Oh, honey, you can't call
Vincent Price on the telephone.

- You don't even know him.
- I do too.

He had a big party
a few months ago.

And he invited you?

No.

- No, the office supplied the entertainment but
we chatted on the telephone a few times.
- You and Vincent Price?

No, me and Mrs. Price
and she sounded very nice.

And she said that she liked
to talk to me again someday.

So, this is the someday.

Hello?

Hello, Mrs. Price.

Mrs. Price, this is Lucy Carter.

Lucille Carter from The
Unique Employment Agency?

We supplied the entertainment
for your party some time ago.

Oh, you do remember. Uh-huh.

How's little Vicky? Mrs.
Price, I have a favor to ask.

Would Mr. Price give me his opinion
on a painting that I bought at an auction?

- Maybe it's a Rembrandt or a Van Gogh.
- Oh, yeah, uh, It could be either.

We can't decided whether
it's a Rembrandt or Van Gosh.

Oh, thank you very much.

- Thank you.
- What did she say?

Well, Vincent isn't home but she
says if I bring it over this evening,

he'd be very happy
to give me his opinion.

Oh Lucy! What if that's
a valuable painting?

What would you do if that
was worth a million dollars?

A million dollars!

Well, I guess I'd exchange this painting
for some etchings of Andrew Jackson.

- Andrew Jackson?
- Yeah, about 50,000 of my $20 bills.

Craig, are you going
to be at the typewriter

much longer? I've
got to write a letter.

Well, I've got to finish this book
you report on, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

Hey, how does this sound so far?

"Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
will be remembered as one

of the most famous split
personalities of his time.

As Dr. Jekyll, he was a
respected English physician

but after Dr. Jekyll took the
medication, he turned into Mr. Hyde.

Mr. Hyde was a monster
but he made house calls."

Well, I don't think anyone
can argue with that.

- Hey, Kim?
- Yes?

You know, I kind of worried about
mom going over to see Vincent Price.

He's kind of a Jekyll and
Hyde character himself.

Yeah, I've been
thinking about that.

He's very deceiving. You just can't trust a
man who's so suave and dresses so well.

Yeah, that's what I mean. You never know
if he's going to or coming from a funeral.

- Kim, baby.
- Yeah.

Honey, I hate to stick you with the
dishes but I got to be there on time.

That's alright, mom.

I figure after all
these years, you're

still about 40,000 dirty
dishes ahead of me.

- Mom?
- Yeah, dear?

I wish you weren't going to
Vincent Price's house alone.

Why not?

Well, for one thing,
I don't trust him.

You don't trust anyone who's
hair is shorter than yours.

Besides, don't you worry. I've
had lot of experience handling men.

Men, yes, but not monsters!

Monsters!

Yeah, well all the
pictures he plays and he's

either a mad scientist
or a crazy doctor.

Did you see his last movie?

He cremated a butterfly!

A lot of people seemed
to be dying around him.

All you see is
dying, dying, dying.

Oh, well, that's just his
way of making a living.

But every time I see him,
he gives me the creeps.

Honey, that's just because of
the parts he plays in pictures.

Yeah, but mom, sometimes,
the pictures, a star

appears and can affect
his mind and his real life.

It may make him into a
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

Oh, boy!

You kids are always
telling us that the movies

my generation went to
are so phony and so bad.

And here you are believing them.

- Well, I guess it is silly.
- Oh, it's certainly is.

Vincent Price is one of our
most erudite intellectuals.

He's a qualified art
expert and I'm just

taking this painting
over to get it appraised.

And besides, he's married.

So was Blue Beard.

Oh, for heaven's sake!

Hey, good, good!

I can't believe it!
This is magnificent.

You've turned my
library into a laboratory.

You know, you're one
heck of a good producer.

Thank you, Vincent.

You know, we save
$30,000 just by sh**ting

the t*rture scenes
right here in this house.

Oh, this is going to be
a great horror picture.

What a catchy title, "Who's
afraid of Virginia's Wolfman?"

You know, that's the
greatest title I've had since

I've made The Giant
Chihuahua That Ate Chicago.

I think this will be an
even better picture.

- Here's your script. I hope you like it.
- Thanks.

And incidentally, the girl
who has been picked to

portray your victim will be
coming along any minute.

- Oh?
- Yeah, she wants a little rehearsal.

And she's a little
nervous and she likes to

rehearse before we start
sh**ting tomorrow night.

Oh, well, I could use a
little extra rehearsal myself.

You know, I like an actress
who takes her work seriously.

Well, she's never made
a horror movie before.

Well, that might
be an improvement.

A lot of the actresses who
play victims walk into the t*rture

chamber as though they
were going to do their laundry.

I think you'll like this one.

- She's different.
- Oh?

I'm sorry I can't stay around but I
got an appointment at the blood bank.

Oh, good, draw some out for me.

Let’s see, now, girl
comes through door,

professor immediately
locks the door behind her.

Then he says, "Remember
my dear, death is

just nature's way of
telling you to slow down.

My dear, try to think
of this as a magnificent

contribution to medical science
and not merely your death.

My dear, try to think
of this as a magnificent

contribution to medical science
and not merely your death."

- Mr. Price?
- Yes?

Your maid told me
that I'd find you in here.

Well, she was right.

Well, it's so good
of you to be on time.

It's very thoughtful of you.

- Thank you. I'm Lucille
Carter and I would

just like to— - Yes, I
know why you're here.

Shall we get started?

Of course. I know
how busy you are.

My, you certainly are cautious and
you don't even know how valuable it is.

Well, if you're serious about what you are
doing, my dear, it certainly is valuable.

Oh, I'm serious alright.

Now, my dear, try to think
of this as a magnificent

contribution to medical science
and not merely your death.

What did you say?

Try to think of this as a
magnificent contribution

to medical science and
not merely your death.

Yeah, that's what I thought
you said. Goodbye, Mr. Price.

Say, that's a great
piece of business.

Hey, we can keep that in.

- No, I don't care what you
keep in, but I'm getting out.
- Now, wait a minute.

- Now, just a minute. Don't fight me.
- Why shouldn't I fight you?

Do not fight me. Oh,
you're beautiful, beautiful!

This is no time for flattery.

You're so real.
You're so very real.

You know there is hardly
any direction I can give you.

I don't care what direction you
give me, I just want to get out.

Well, now, two can
play at this game.

Where does it say that?

I can't even k*ll you!

Of course not, my dear.

That is why I am
a 1100 years old.

Eleven hundred years old?

Well, what do you want
with a girl at your age?

- I want your brain.
- Oh yeah?

Oh yeah?

Ah! Ah!

- Come along now!
- No! No!

- Come along my dear. Come on!
- No!

- Don't overdo it now.
- Where are you going?

Come on, there you go!

No! No!

No! Help!

Boy, you're worse that
Dr. Jekyll, you're a specialist.

- It comes with experience, my dear.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, up until now, I've never seen
anybody give such a terrified reaction.

Is that the Stanislavski method?

I don't know. I've never been
tortured by Stanus Slasky.

Hey, that's a funny line. I
wish we could keep it in.

You keep it in. I
want to get out.

Now, my dear, I shall tell
you what is going to happen.

I don't want to know
what's going to happen.

I am going to transplant the
brain of that gorilla into your head!

No, not when I
just had my hair set.

Now, let me see. You
will walk like a gorilla.

You will think like a gorilla.

You will act like a gorilla.

What are you doing,
following a recipe?

No more antics!

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What is this?

This shall teach you to
leave my mother alone.

Your mother?

Aren't you the actress that's
going to be in my picture?

What actress? I'm a mother. I'm
a secretary. I'm a nervous wreck!

Not necessarily in that order.

This is all a mistake.
This is a movie set.

We're sh**ting a
movie in here tomorrow.

Oh, sure, sure, that's
what all you fiends say.

- No, this is a movie set.
- A movie set?

Yes, I thought you
were an actress who was

coming here to rehearse
with all the props.

Oh, for heaven's
sake, help him up.

- Oh yeah!
- Oh, Mr. Price.

Oh, help him up.

- Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Mr. price.
- Really.

Are you really just
making a movie here?

Well, you didn't actually think that I was
going to perform that operation, did you?

Well, let's face it, what you've got here
doesn't look like the Pillsbury bake-off.

Now, before I call the police,
what are you doing here?

Police?

Oh, please, please,
Mr. Price, all I came

here for was to get
your opinion on a painting

and they just came to
rescue me. This is my

daughter Kim, my son
Craig, and Uncle Harry.

We sure are sorry, Mr. Price, but
mistakes happen in the best of families.

And in this family,
they happen all the time.

Mr. Price, you will look at
the painting though, won't you?

Oh, very well. Where is it?

Right over here.

Hey, this is very interesting.

- Double brush strokes.
- Is that good?

Yes, there's a thick layer of
pigment over a thin layer of pigment.

There is definitely something
painting underneath.

Then it might be valuable?

Yes, it could be.

- Lucille?
- What?

I've always been very fond
of that painting so I'll take

it off your hands and you
can’t forget the $50 you owe me.

Too late, Harry. Just
forget it. It's my painting.

Yes, it's very interesting.

Young man, would you be kind
enough to hand me that bottle over there?

No, that's the embalming fluid.

The other one, please.

You know, it's a
rather odd material...

thank you... odd
material that is painted on

but then Leonardo De Vince used to paint
on anything he could get his hands on.

Leonardo da Vinci?

- Lucille?
- What?

- Sixty dollars.
- Oh, you got to be kidding me.

On the other hand, you
know, I detect a composition

under here not unlike
that of Peter Paul Rubens.

What would a Peter,
Paul and Rubens cost?

Well, a masterpiece is worth whatever
some collector is willing to pay for it.

Alright, I'm willing
to pay $100.

You must be joking.

- I never joke about money.
- You're telling me.

Ooh, isn't that fascinating!

Yes, like a
striptease with paint.

I've never seen
anything like this before.

Isn't it fascinating?

Oh, it certainly is!

Alright Lucille, this
is my final offer, $200.

Sentimental fool that I am.

Well, Harry, I guess I'm
just as foolish as you are.

- Alright, $250 dollars.
- It's a deal.

Cross your heart and hope to die
and may your mother kumquat pie?

- Cross my heart.
- Alright. Where is the money?

Oh, here you are.

One hundred,


Okay, thank you.

The painting is yours.

What do you know, you
know, this is the most

extraordinary unusual
find I've ever made.

I do hope you have a
proper wall to hang it on.

Well, even if I don't the
metropolitan museum of

art will after I sell it
to them at a tidy profit.

Well, hardly.

Lucille!

You just paid $250 for a
genuine no ball play sign!

- That is not funny!
- I think it is.

- Incidentally, Mrs. Carter...
- Yes, Mr. Price?

My fee for art
appraisal is $250.

$250?

Yes, that's Vincent's Price.

Now that's funny.