01x06 - Episode 6

[bunniefuu]

Your comrades

will be men who need

HE YELLS

only one order.

"Go, k*ll, return, go again."

We're going to be taking a guest with us.

His first name is Randolph.

His second name is Churchill.

So you're going to just

drive into Benghazi

and plant expl*sives?

EXPLOSIONS

I'm now 25!

What will you say to your father

when we get back to London?

I will say holy, holy

HORN HONKS

I have 20 of the toughest

finest paratroopers in the French army

under my command.

Compagnie! Formation!

Paddy, perhaps you would like

to inspect your men.

You are a German

in a Frenchman's uniform.

Expect to be isolated by my contempt.

I'm German too.

Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Deutsche.

HE SNEEZES

—- BERGE: This is Aspirant Halévy.

He speaks German as well.

He is Jewish.

- I am a hand grenade, sir.

Pull the pin, throw me

where the enemy is most numerous.

And how is Dudley Clarke

responding to all the glory?

It seems he is impatient

for your destruction.

HE LAUGHS

We are apparently the talk of Cairo.

I'm going to ask GHQ for Jeeps

Vickers machine g*ns, expl*sives

more men.

Now is our moment.

At the western desert battle

and the fall of Tobruk

disappointment

another defeat after so many defeats.

With Egypt

the naval base of Alexandria

NEWSREADER FADES

- SOUNDS OF BATTLE

g*nf*re ECHOES

our last hope of fighting back

in the Mediterranean.

If Malta falls

- HE WINCES

Africa is lost.

Oh

— Can't be relied upon to do it yourself

and besides

some of the infected places

would be very difficult

for you to reach.

I don't want you going into

any of those places.

— Shh, shh, shh.

HE WINCES

You go nowhere

the sunlight does not go.

Unfortunately, in the desert

the sun goes everywhere

and the sand.

It's the grit that does the damage.

Oh, God.

Argh!

— Shh, shh.

Do you remember collapsing?

Uh

I remember hearing Tobruk had fallen

and then I fell.

And I remember getting very drunk.

And dancing at

the Empire Club.

You were leaning, not dancing.

You stood on the table

and told everyone you loved me.

Dear God. Love?

HE CHUCKLES Oh, I do apologise.

Must've been the whisky.

HE WINCES

It was delirium, sunstroke

deep tissue infections

accumulated during three months

in the deep desert without a break.

While I was delirious

I had this rather mad delusion

that I should officially confirm

that you are my girlfriend.

Officially?

As if it were a military rank.

Quite.

And as my temperature rose

I thought I might propose marriage.

But in the cold light of day

It's never cold in the day in Cairo.

Well, in the light of day, I suppose

it would be rather odd

to propose to a woman

whilst she removes puss

from open wounds in your infected groin.

If that is rather odd

I'd hate to see very odd.

Well, very odd would be me talking

about the subject at all, Eve, but

if I were to propose

If you were to propose

I would remind you

that there is a w*r going on

which we are losing.

I have nothing else on my mind.

You need to be on top form

for your meeting with your prime minister.

Try not to walk like a duck.

Turn over for me.

Absolutely not.

No no!

HE YELLS

"Adolf" by Arthur Askey

Adolf, you've bitten off ♪

Much more than you can chew ♪

Come on, hold your hand out ♪

We're all fed up with you ♪

Cor, blimey! ♪

Julius Caesar!

Act one, scene, er two.

"Let me have men about me that are fat."

GUESTS LAUGH

"Sleek-headed men

and such as sleep o'nights."

"Yon'd Cassius has a lean and hungry look."

"He thinks too much.

Such men are dangerous."

Come on, Winston. Next line.

"Fear him not, Caesar.

He is not dangerous.

He is a noble Roman, and well given.

He reads much

he is a great observer

and he looks quite through

the deeds of men."

You are Major David Stirling.

L Detachment SAS, sir.

This is the famous Phantom Major.

This is Field Marshal Jan Smuts

Prime Minister of South Africa

and General Auchinleck you know.

You were walking in

a little awkwardly, Stirling.

Have you been wounded?

- No, I, uh

I have desert sores

all over my c*ck.

GUESTS GASP

Most crucially

I have one four inches up my arse.

Oh!

Can I pinch a light?

Sorry, I've been in the desert

a long, long time.

One loses propriety very quickly.

When my son

reported back to me about you

he quoted Lord Byron.

"He is the mildest mannered man

whoever scuttled a ship or cut a throat."

We are a band of oddities

gentlemen and pirates.

I brought you into the garden

to tell you that now more than ever

your new brand of warfare is needed.

Auchinleck has been too cautious.

Tobruk has fallen and Rommel is now

50 miles outside of Alexandria.

Malta is our last remaining hope

for controlling the Mediterranean

and supplying our North Africa armies.

Now, Malta is still under siege.

It has been hammered and hammered

but it has not surrendered.

My wish

is that the Island of Malta be saved.

I intend

to send two convoys of relief supplies

from Gibraltar and Alexandria.

These convoys must get through.

And what exactly

would you like me to do?

I want you to not ask that question.

Do whatever you think best

to achieve this goal.

You have a free hand

from Tripoli to Greece.

To Greece?

I've told General Auchinleck

that the whole of

the south Mediterranean coast

is now your remit.

If you succeed

I will recommend to Army Council

that the SAS become a regiment

not a phantom regiment, but a real one

with you as commanding officer.

Yes, sir, it

It would be

- It would be what?

I would be achieving

what I set out to achieve, sir.

Now

exactly how serious

is your c*ck and arse condition?

It's, uh it's nothing that kind hands

and iodine cannot resolve.

Well, then we must

set you to work straight away.

What will you need?

I will need your autograph, sir.

My autograph?

A souvenir.

To remember the day.

Of course.

My autograph.

Do you have a pen?

Pen, yes.

General Auchinleck.

Prime Minister.

Stirling would like your autograph.

He wants your signature.

A souvenir of the day.

Sir, a blank sheet of paper

signed by the two of us

could be used for—-

Just sign it, General.

Thank you.

Stirling.

Forget the etiquette of w*r.

Do whatever it takes.

Prime Minister

I hope you know what you're doing.

Of course I know what I'm doing.

I'm letting slip the dogs of w*r.

"You Started It"

by Bench Kids

MEN YELL AND CHATTER

That's it, you started it ♪

You started it ♪

- Wanna play, wanna play again? ♪

Your move, what to do ♪

What to do ♪

- Wanna play, wanna play again? ♪

MEN GRUNT AND YELL

Bloody hell.

I'm gonna sh**t the wee ballbag!

Oh, for f*ck's sake!

Well, well, well.

Nice 'tache, Errol.

Is this, uh, Agincourt or Orléans?

It's Orléans, sir.

MEN CHEER

Well, I'm afraid the game is over.

I have new instructions

from Prime Minister Winston Churchill.

Go to the mess hall

and take off all your clothes.

‘Ere you are, boys.

Winston wants to see your winkies.

MEN CHEER

LIVELY CHATTER

Firstly, I have asked

you all to stand naked

because this gentleman is a doctor

Dr Gamal.

He is a man I've known for a very long time

and whom I trust implicitly

even when he's high out of his head

on his own laughing gas.

MEN LAUGH

—- He is very discreet. Go on.

I've brought him here from Cairo

to make sure you men are all fit and ready

for what lies ahead.

The first task I have given him

is to inspect you all for desert sores

and open ulcers

which many of you have

and conceal, as I once did.

So we need you all to be fit

because, gentlemen

our moment of truth has come.

Dear God, man.

I'm, u h J Ss orry, Sir

That's no desert sore, Doctor.

I can hear Dave at night.

MEN LAUGH —- I'm sorry, sir.

We are about to embark on a mission

from which I would estimate

one third of us will not return.

In 48 hours, two convoys

are taking supplies to Malta.

Hitler will throw

every plane he has at them.

Our job is to destroy as many of

those planes on the ground as we can

before those convoys set sail.

We are going to simultaneously attack

six airbases

along the Mediterranean coast

from Benina, in the west

to Heraklion, in the east.

Yes, Paddy?

What business do we have in Crete?

Our sphere of operation has expanded.

How the f*ck do we get to Crete?

In a submarine.

And how the f*ck

are we gonna get a submarine?

I've already got a f*cking submarine.

MEN LAUGH

As well as 50 extra Jeeps to go

with the 50 already promised

which will all be fitted with Vickers

heavy machine g*ns

and bulletproof windscreens

taken from fighter planes.

SOLDIERS CHEER

- We also have 20 new trucks.

Beretta submachine g*ns

adapted for sand conditions.

Replacement engines for all our vehicles,

with cooling systems.

And just wait until you see

what the twin Vickers can do.

SOLDIER YOWLS

- MEN LAUGH

And the good wishes of the King

via the Commander in Chief

of British Forces, North Africa.

MEN APPLAUD AND MUTTER

But firstly, whose c*ck

did you suck in Cairo, sir?

MEN LAUGH

Right, those of you with ribbons

go with Dr Gamal.

He will remove the infected flesh

with a toothbrush.

MEN WINCE

When you are brushed, bandaged up,

pumped full of painkillers

amphetamines and sulphur

we will begin

our glorious expansion.

Yes!

- MEN CHATTER

THEY CHEER

Ja.

HE IMITATES g*nf*re

Whoa-h*-h*!

— INDISTINCT CHATTER

MEN CHATTER

God almighty.

From here on in, I'm going to keep

my toothbrush on me at all times

so that Dr Gamal doesn't get to it first.

Six targets.

Who's going where?

Well, Paddy, you

will take Berka satellite airfield

number one.

While, Zirnheld, you will take

Berka satellite airfield number two

so that you can compete

with one another

for most number of planes destroyed.

Captain Berge

you will board the submarine Triton

and travel to the Gulf of Malia

off the coast of Crete.

You will be met

by Captain Alexander Norton.

Together you will attack

the airstrip at Heraklion.

Who will take Derna and Martuba?

They're 190 kilometres behind German lines.

You will take Derna and Martuba.

Intelligence have provided us

with a stolen German truck.

Yes, and I have offered the services

of Bruckner and Essner,

our two native Germans.

Essner?

- Yes, Essner.

What is it, Paddy?

If it were me crossing frontlines

into German territory with

Sergeant Essner

I would keep a Colt .45 revolver

in very close proximity

to the back of his head

at all times.

PADDY IMITATES HIM:

Pas mal, Paddy.

I mean, look at my friend here.

Before he left for Cairo,

he was like a pirate.

Now there's a different look about him.

Too many pats on the head

from generals has made you dizzy, boy.

Counting airstrips

like a rich man counting coins.

Oh, you have great difficulty

with approval, don't you, Paddy?

You'd just rather play the renegade.

—- I see a new ambition.

There is no time to be unambitious.

Convoys are setting sail for Malta.

Shh!

You don't know

who might be listening to you.

I know my f*cking

Colt .45 at all times!

f*ck you.

David, I assume you'll be taking

the remaining airstrip.

Benina.

—- Benina.

Aye, right, Benina.

The biggest airstrip of them all.

More Kills in bloody Benina

more bangs and fuel at Benina.

Given himself the best

as per f*cking usual.

Oh, yes! That's right, Paddy,

and I'm bringing back the blackboard.

Now, you should know I'll be taking no part

in counting dead bodies.

Nobody's asking you to,

you white-flag-wagging

shite-the-bucket, you—-

- Paddy.

Tonight, we are soldiers with one goal.

We fight as one or we fail.

Including the two Germans, Paddy.

Do not think that I did not see you

refuse Dr Gamal's ribbon.

Go and get your f*cking ulcers scrubbed

before we depart

and that is an order.

I remember when this regiment

used to be unknown and unobserved.

Christ, we used to be some craic back then.

- Hmm, well, we're not a regiment.

Not yet.

Ah

now I get it.

We will be reckless in pursuit

of your own lofty ambition!

Yes, that's right, Paddy!

Exactly right.

The prize has been offered,

the game is on.

And we will win if we do this my way.

When the rest of you f*ck up,

I'm answerable to myself.

Ja.

GUNSHO

Good luck, lads!

Come on, boys, let's crack on.

Good luck, old chap.

Race you to Berka.

Our biggest jolly yet!

Let's go!

CAMERA CLICKS

Frenchie!

This is where we split!

You're going northeast!

And Frenchie, remember!

You don't fire a shot until the moon sets!

May the best man win.

Aye, right.

Bon. Allez

BRUCKNER AND ESSNER IN GERMAN:

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Silence.

Shh, shh, shh.

Grazie.

Prends ca.

Roll out the barrel.

The g*ng's all here.

Those are your disguises, gentlemen.

Got a bit wet when the tide came in.

Hung 'em out to dry.

Everyone on this island wears black

to mourn the death of the Messiah.

HE CHUCKLES

SOLDIERS CHUCKLE

You're Norton, I presume?

Yes. Better get into costume.

Curtain up in 45 minutes, chaps.

Messieurs, en avant.

Pistols only, gents.

We don't wanna draw attention to ourselves.

What fuses do we use tonight, boss?

Tonight, we don't use fuses.

So what do we do?

They used to call people

whose minds were altered

by the moon "lunatics".

Tonight, we will raise

a little bedlam with our new toys.

I have had an idea.

— Oh, f*ck.

DISTANT CHATTER

We'll wait here until the moon sets.

SOLDIER IN FRENCH:

LOCALS CHATTER AND SING

We've seen n*zi-occupied Europe.

For every German we k*ll,

there may be a reprisal.

Don't think about it, old boy.

Just do it.

Right, this is where we split up.

Bonne chance.

- Good luck.

Come on.

Right, prepare to attack.

Bring them on.

DISTANT expl*si*n

- DOG BARKS

Ah, for f*ck's sake.

SIRENS WAIL

INDISTINCT CHATTER AND SHOUTING

Think Zirnheld might have

gone a tad early, sir?

Very free.

Very French.

f*ck, I knew it. Bravo, Stirling.

There goes Malta.

Paddy?

Paddy?

Paddy, come on, you know we can't do this.

You have to stand down.

Paddy, I could give the order.

Let the French have this one.

We can get 'em another day, Paddy.

Maybe the others will have better luck.

We're standing down, boys.

Back to the rendezvous point.

f*ck's sake.

ENGINE GRINDS

Verdammt.

ENGINE GRINDS

Scheisse

HALEVY IN FRENCH:

FAINT THUDS

Abend.

INDISTINCT CHATTER IN GERMAN

Huh?

MEN CHUCKLE

HE WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY

HE SPEAKS GERMAN

Oui.

- Vite, vite, vite.

HE TAPS THE VAN

Hey, hey!

SOLDIER SHOUTS IN GERMAN

SOLDIER YELLS IN GERMAN

g*nf*re

THEY GASP

SOLDIER SHOUTS IN GERMAN

INDISTINCT CHATTER IN GERMAN

—- g*ns c*ck

Los raus!

Raus hat mich gesagt.

JORDAN IN FRENCH:

SOLDIER SHOUTS IN GERMAN

Vite!

SOLDIER SHOUTS IN GERMAN

INDISTINCT CHATTER IN GERMAN

Vite!

BRUCKNER IN GERMAN:

Sors!/

—- BRUCKNER IN GERMAN:

Courage!

—- g*nf*re

expl*si*n

MEN YELL

SOLDIER SPEAKS GERMAN

Go, go, go!

MEN LAUGH AND CHATTER

Now, fly like geese!

Butcher and bolt!

g*nf*re

MEN YELL

Sarge, they're unarmed!

STIRLING YELLS

THEY CHEER

Kraut b*stards!

GERMAN SOLDIER YELLS

THEY CHEER

Come on!

THEY LAUGH AND CHEER

Johnny, how old are you now?

I don't add unarmed men to my tally.

WOMEN SCREAM IN DISTANCE

g*nf*re

WOMEN AND CHILDREN SCREAM

DISTANT CHATTER IN GERMAN

Restez la.

g*n c*ck

- SOLDIER IN GERMAN:

Blues nearly home, lads.

Now, any score?

Anything for your famous blackboard?

Fifteen Stukas.

Eighteen Messerschmitts.

How about you?

Nothing.

Premature ejaculation

on part of the French.

Ah.

Who's back?

You, me, Zirnheld and Jordan.

You did well.

Why is there no jollity?

Jollity?

Because

we caught them off-guard.

Shot at them rather like you at Tamet.

Armed or unarmed, they are the enemy.

Yes?

I asked you a question

Captain Mayne.

Yes, sir.

Armed or unarmed, they are the enemy.

I was wrong about Essner.

The traitor was Bruckner.

The whole unit wiped out except Jordan.

Death sits easy on your shoulders, comrade.

Turns out

we drink from the same well after all.

"It Don't Mean A Thing"

by Duke Ellington

If you're drunk, please go away.

If you're sober,

I will throw you off this balcony.

I've stopped drinking, completely.

Right.

- Three months.

I need to speak to you.

Yes, Il I've found someone.

Someone who's prepared to tolerate

the sharp words and harsh impulses.

You nearly k*lled

the son of the prime minister.

Yes, well, vodka does, uh

does make some poor decisions.

- Yes.

I would apologise but, um

Well, after you've heard

what I have to say

you won't remember anything I said before.

- Ah.

When did you get back to Cairo?

Yesterday.

Have you been trying to contact Eve?

I called her but there was no reply.

I thought she might be here.

Yeah, Eve was, um

flown over to Alexandria three days ago

on the orders of General De Gaulle.

She set off back to Cairo

yesterday afternoon.

I think she was wanting

to be there for your arrival

and she hitched a lift from a mail plane.

There was a terrible sandstorm

east of Alexandria last night.

And the pilot took

evasive action but, uh

well, the Chief of the Cairo Bureau

said that the plane went down

in the Qattara Depression.

Wreckage hasn't been located yet.

So sorry, David.

I mean

HE CHUCKLES

Of course.

I'm so, so sorry, it's just

- What else?

Everything I touch, boom, gone.

There no more.

Would you like me to order you a

order you a car?

— No.

No, I'm just

I'm just waiting for it to catch up.

It's never real, the first minutes.

She was a remarkable woman.

Terribly bad luck, isn't it, I suppose.

Just when we had

something to celebrate, I mean

You should go home.

I was going to take her dancing.

Dancing.

Well, I'll be at the bar. I'll, um

When you're ready to leave,

I'll order you a car.

Oh

HE SNIFFLES

GLASS SHATTERS

So, gentlemen

news of the real world

beyond our jolly little circus.

We are fewer than we were, but

those men we lost gave their lives

in a winning cause.

The relief convoys which set sail

for Malta one week ago

consisted of 17 ships.

Fifteen of those ships were sunk

by German aircraft

but two ships

made it through to Valletta.

Two heavily laden supply ships with food

medicine, weapons and ammunition.

Malta is saved.

- Come on!

- MEN CHEER

Africa is saved from fascism

because of you.

Because the planes

you destroyed are the planes

that would've sunk

the two ships that made it.

But, in the words of Winston Churchill,

this is not

the beginning of the end.

This is the end

of the beginning.

While we were saving Malta

our American cousins finally finished

their extended round of golf

and decided to join in

and give us a bit of a hand.

Well, about f*cking time.

THEY LAUGH

- SEEKINGS: Too right.

The Americans are landing

their first attachment of elite troops

at Casablanca and will head east.

We will gather our forces in Egypt

and head west.

The Germans and the Italians

are in the middle.

It would be foolhardy to think

that any of our forces can make it

all the way through enemy lines

to link up with the Americans

but we are fools.

THEY CHUCKLE

Famous fools.

So that is exactly

what I am going to try to do.

I shall enter the lion's den

in search of a potential supply line

through Gabeées Gap

to link up our two armies.

The rest of you

continue your fantastic work

making Axis aeroplanes go pop and bang

in the middle of the night.

THEY CHUCKLE

While I was in Cairo,

I got a note from GHQ.

The special air service

known as L Detachment

iS NOW

officially

a British Army regiment.

- SOLDIERS CHEER

- I owe you a shilling then!

- Come on!

- That's on the house, mate.

- We did it, gentlemen.

We did it.

Congratulations, sir.

Hurrah for the new Colonel, lads!

- Hip, hip!

- Hooray!

- Hip, hip!

- Hooray!

SOLDIER IN FRENCH:

Well done, Reg.

Well done.

- Yes.

Congratulations, boys.

Pleasure.

Dear Mother.

You may have read in the papers

the good news about Malta.

I don't want to come the swank

or be pomposo

but I want you to know that I had

some part in making this happen.

And you should know

that you and father had some part

in making me the soldier

who could play that part.

Meanwhile, my holiday in the sun

continues to be eventful.

Yours in victory,

your loving son, David.

BOTTLE UNCORKS

Go.

k*ll.

Return.

Go again.

HE WHISTLES

Ambush, right!

g*nf*re

f*ck! Stop it!

g*nf*re CONTINUES

—- SOLDIER GRUNTS

INDISTINCT GERMAN CHATTER

COOPER YELLS

Stop! Sadler, run!

Sir, f*cking move!

SHELL FIRE BOOMS

g*nf*re

MEN GRUN

Phantom Major, drop your weapon.

He's got to surrender.

If he shoots, he's dead. f*ck's sake.

sh*t.

Drop your weapon.

Last warning or we will sh**t.

Shh!

March.

What the f*ck

are we supposed to do now?

Uh

I suppose we better go

and find some Americans.

Come on. Head down.

"Wish Me Luck" by Gracie Fields

Cheerio, here I go, on my way ♪

Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye ♪

Not a tear but a cheer,

make it g*y ♪

Give me a smile I

can keep all the while ♪

In my heart while I'm away ♪

Till we meet once again,

you and I ♪

Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye ♪

Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye ♪

Cheerio, here I go, on my way ♪

Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye ♪

Not a tear but a cheer,

make it g*y ♪

Give me a smile I

can keep all the while ♪

In my heart while I'm away ♪

Till we meet once again,

you and I ♪

Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye ♪

FAINT ENGINE APPROACHES

Vehicle approaching!

This came in from GHQ Cairo, sir.

"Stirling captured at Gabeées Gap.

Stop."

"Overall command of SAS regiment

all units to pass to Ma

Overall command of SAS regiment

all units to pass to

Major Robert Blair 'Paddy' Mayne."

They've made you a Major

and put you in charge, Paddy.

The mad b*stards have put you

in charge of f*cking everything.

Now the blood will flow.