01x18 - Scott's on a Roll/Bye Bye Birdies

[bunniefuu]

- [Hailey] Eh.
- [Beta] Hailey, today's

list item is number 91.

Tell the truth
for an entire day.

Sun up, to sun down.

[blows raspberry]
Well, that's an easy one.

- I'm always honest, Beta.
- Good, now, do you think

I look
as awesome as Rowdy Russ?

[tense theme playing]

Uh...

Okay, today is my day of truth.

Cool!
Hey, I've always wondered,

are there any list items
you haven't told me about?

- [tense theme playing]
- [Hailey groans]

[salesperson on phone]
Do you have a moment?

Honestly? [sighs] I do.

Then let me tell you
about our exclusive offers

about your cell phone's
extended warranty.

That is,
unless you have a reason

to get off the phone,
right now?

[groans]

So, what do you think
of my new recipe?

[groans]

It is so hard
to always tell the truth!

Maybe I can put this list item
off for a while.

Okay, okay, I'll do it. Sheesh.

Liar, liar, pants on fire.

No, seriously, I'm gonna do it!

No, seriously,
your pants are on fire.

Oh! [gasping]

So the time glitches
have a sense of humor now?

Yes, they're very dry.

Look, these time glitches mean

you better
get this item done today,

or we're all in big trouble!

Fine! I just had no idea

how hard it is
to be completely honest.

But I've learned
that the key is--

- Accountability?
- Total avoidance!

[Beta sighs]

[suspenseful theme playing]

Hailey, do you think
I can pull off this crop top?

Hailey?

[school bell rings]

Hi, Hailey!

What are you doing?

Shh, Scott!
It's called avoidance!

Oh! Hiya, Hailey!

Who's your favorite teacher?

[nervous chuckle]

Honestly,
my favorite teacher is...

Mr. Williams.

What?
You asked for that, Veronica.

But only because you are
not just a teacher,

you are
a friend... ly person.

Which is truthful.

That was very oddly phrased,

but Dr. Fisher told me
to accept more compliments,

so, thank you, Hailey.

[sighs]

Ah, yes,
meat with a side of yellow.

Oi, Hailey,
I'm needing feedback

for my yearly
performance review.

Of course
you're doing that today.

How would you best describe
my Potatoes O'Malley?

They honestly...

taste like glue.

Nah, glue tastes much better.

- From what I hear.
- They are bad, aren't they?

Good on ya for your honesty.

Everyone else simply said,
"fine" or "pass".

Pass was an option?

We Irish have always
prided ourselves

on having
the world's finest cuisine.

- Really?
- For now, I'd like your opinion

on my cheesy cabbage tots.

These are... honestly delicious.

Ah, go on! [chuckles]

Now, how's about my liver loaf?

Pass!

Hailey, hide!
Bored Murray's

inviting people
to his one man show!

It's called "Murray It Up".
It sounds like "Hurry it up",

which I thought was funny,
but my show isn't funny.

It's an exploration of boredom.
Wanna come?

Oh, heck no.

Hey, Murray!

Just standing here
by my favorite trash can.

I throw all my trash in here.
[chuckles]

Wasteful.

You're welcome!

- [heavy metal music playing]
- [Beta grunting]

Looking positively swole,
my bro!

Luckily, I can still lie.

I can hear you, bozo.

I can also feel your jealousy.
[grunts]

Okay, I only have
one more thing to do today,

and then my day of truth telling
will be done.

Luckily,
nothing exciting ever happens

in Environmental Club.

Exciting things happening today

in Environmental Club.

Does that mean my luck
is finally turning around?

Ow!

No, but something you kids
might call "lit" or "hype"

is happening to
those weird endangered birds

you're trying to help.

The screaming mud hens?

[screaming]

Yeah, like I said,
the weird birds.

We're finally getting funding
to build their mud sanctuary.

That's great news! Even though
everyone in Oceanside

hates them
simply because they're ugly

and have ear-piercing screams.

Don't forget
their violent mating rituals.

Anyway, there's gonna be
a banquet tonight,

which is code
for "rich person dinner",

where our club
will receive the donation.

- [all cheering]
- [woman] Whoo-hoo! All right!

Yeah, hooray.

We, and by we,
I mean one of you,

just need to give a speech
to the rich donor.

So, who is free
after school, hmm?

Not me! I have to visit
my grandma, she's sick.

- Again?
- Again.

- My grandma is... also sick?
- Really?

- Wow, mine too.
- My grandma's also sick.

All your grandmas?

Hailey, is your grandma sick?

And do you have
any other plans?

Hmph. No.
I honestly do not.

Super. Then you need

to write a lengthy speech
thanking the donor.

Remember to lay it on thick.

Really butter their buns.
Rich people love that.

Thanks, Hailey!
Our birds are counting on you.

[screaming]

[teacher]
I'll meet you at the banquet

to collect the oversized check.

My ex-girlfriend
works at a bank,

and bringing one of those
puppies in will show her

what she's been missing out on.

Dang it. Anyway,
do a little research

on your donor and get writing.

His name is
Robert Vandertrache.

The chemical spill king
of Southern California?

Come on, Hails,
he can't be that bad.

Actually, chemical spills are

the least
terrible things he's done.

His favorite hobby
is paving over playgrounds.

He started a campaign
to eliminate weekends.

He shaves baby polar bears
to make his awful hair piece!

Wow, he really is that bad!

Well, why don't you
just talk about

his donation to the club?

That's a good thing, right?

He's only donating
to impress his sixth wife, Gigi.

- Lucky lady.
- Ugh.

If I lie,
I fail at my list item.

But if I tell the truth, Vandertrache

won't write a check
for those wonderful birds.

[screaming]

And we're sure
we wanna save 'em?

[watch beeping]

[Hailey nervously groaning]

Nothing to be nervous about.

Only the lives
of an entire species of bird

rest on your speech.

[screaming]

Oh, and whatever you do,

don't bring up
the whole incident

about the Vandertrache
Fireworks Factory

and those poor turtles.

I didn't even know about
that one!

Hey, guys, Gigi here!

We're helping some kids
get the mud they deserve.

The issue of mudless children
is, like, so tragic.

Also, something about birds?

Anyways, I look amazing
in this lighting, right?

[camera shutter clicks]

Let's get on with this!

I heard some kid's gonna
pump up my tires

before I give out this check.

Is that you, Glasses?

[sharp exhale]

Hello. We are here today
to thank Robert Vandertrache.

What can I say
about Mr. Vandertrache?

He is a businessman,
who does business,

and the Oxford Dictionary
defines business as,

"The pursuit of making, buying,
and selling goods or services."

[audience murmuring]

Yawn.

Robert Vandertrache
is also a human being.

More specifically,
a h*m* sapien.

Which, furthermore,
makes him a mammal.

[nervously chuckles]

The dictionary defines
a mammal as--

Boring!
Reading the dictionary?

This isn't what I asked for

when I agreed to donate
to this Mud Club!

It's Environmental Club.

You better start
getting specific

- with your praise, girlie.
- Ugh!

In business, you are a giant.

I... said... spe... ci... fics.

[tense music builds]

Giant waste of space!

- [audience gasps]
- Clearly money doesn't
buy everything.

Because if it did,
you wouldn't have
that ugly hair piece.

- [audience groans]
- [Hailey gasps]

[laughing]

[chuckling]

[all laughing]

Good one, Glasses.
Do another.

It's bad enough
you have a massive
carbon footprint,

but can you not do it
in those ugly shoes?

[laughter]

Well, the guy at the store
said I could pull these off!

Yes, please! Pull them off
and put them in the garbage.

[laughter]

This random girl
is seriously hilarious.

Do me next, random girl!

Gigi, you've clearly found
the love of your life.

Your own selfie.

[laughter]

It's funny 'cause it's true!

Robert, I'm not saying

Gigi married you for your money.

I'm screaming,

Gigi married you
for your money!

[laughter]

- I did!
- It's my only redeeming quality!

[laughing]

Hailey, you're k*lling it!

Who knew rich people
liked being insulted?

Hey, back to me,
me, me, me!

At Christmas,
Robert's the only person happy

with coal in his stocking.

'Cause he could use it to hurt
the environment even more!

[laughter]

I do love ruining things.

Mr. Vandertrache,
you are the worst.

Oh, it's pronounced "truche".

I wasn't saying your name,
I was describing your legacy.

Trash!

[laughter]

[mic squawks]

[Hailey wretches]

[chuckles] Well,
this was not what I expected.

But, that girlie
impressed my Gigi.

Give her more money, Robbie!

But not too much,
I wanna go to Fiji.

[gasps] Hashtag,
Gigi in Fiji!

Those were some great jokes,
little lady.

And you probably
didn't realize this,

but sometimes jokes
have tiny kernels of truth.

Mm.

I now realize,
I might need

to change my ways!

So, I'm upping my donation
to the Mud Club!

[drum roll]

- [cheering and applause]
- [Scott] Whoo-hoo-hoo!

[teacher]
Two giant checks?

Wow, thank you.

And the incredible mud hens
thank you too.

[screaming]

- [watch beeps]
- [relieved sigh]

I'll miss honest Hailey.
Those were some sick burns.

Thanks, as hard as the day was,

I learned that honesty
really is the best policy.

Hailey, I can't believe
how successful that was!

Wait 'til my ex
sees me walk into the bank

with two of those bad boys.

Anyway, can you do
another speech next weekend?

I'm sorry, Mr. Williams,
but my grandma

is super sick that day.

♪ The future's in my hands ♪

♪ World's what you make it
Get up and chase it ♪

♪ Leaving nothing to chance ♪

♪ I'm taking action
Making it happen ♪

♪ No matter what
Tomorrow might bring ♪

♪ I got the guts
To do anything ♪

♪ The future's in my hands ♪

♪ Promise I'm on it
I'm on it ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Hailey's on it ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Hailey's on it ♪

♪ Hey, hey
Hailey's on it ♪

♪ Win first place
For world's cutest pet rock ♪

♪ Do a corn maze
Hope I don't get lost ♪

♪ Eat an onion ♪

Kiss my friend Scott?

Huh?

- [thuds]
- [cat yowls]

[singers] ♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hailey's on it ♪