03x14 - Lucy, the Part-Time Wife

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz, and Desi Arnaz, Jr.

Lucille, my dear,
come in. Come in.

Oh, it's so nice of you to
drop over, and so prompt too.

- Harry, this favor you want, is it a
publicity gimmick for your business?
- No.

- You want me to jump off
the Golden Gate bridge?
- Of course not.

Well Harry, if you want me to sign
my body over to science, forget it.

- Lucille!
- And if it's a blood
donation, the answer is no.

I gave at the office.

I know, and I appreciate it. It
pepped me up considerably.

- What?
- Lucy, will you please settle down?

Relax, sit down, dear. Sit down.

Make yourself
comfortable. There we are.

Oh, you're all wrought
up. Here, for you.

What is that?

The finest Napoleon brandy.

I've had it in my
wine cellar for years.

I've been saving for
a special occasion.

Harry, why are plying me with alcoholic
beverages in the middle of the day?

To you, my dear.

I trust the children received
the presents I sent over.

Yes, the bribes
arrived this morning.

- And I'm leaving right now unless
you tell me what it is you want.
- I'll tell you, I'll tell you.

It's really nothing important.

It's an insignificant little thing.
It's a matter of life and death!

Harry, I thought you
were too old for the draft.

Lucille, Lucille, an old girlfriend is
flying into town on her way to Hawaii.

She's an army nurse on leave.

She has found out that
I am still a bachelor and

she is stopping off here to
hook me between planes.

Oh, and that's a painful
place to get hooked.

Oh yeah, well now, look
Harry, that is no big deal.

If she proposes,
you just tell her no.

Nobody tells Gertrude Grebs no.

Gertrude Grebs!

- Do you know what they
call her during college?
- What?

Blood and guts Gertie!

- They named her after General Patton?
- No, they named Patton after her.

Why, did she look like him?

Come to think of it, she did,
yes, except for the mustache.

- General Patton didn't have a mustache.
- No, Gertie did.

Oh, I just dread
meeting her at the airport.

Oh, well, Harry, why don't
you make up a little fib.

- Tell her... tell her you're engaged.
- Oh, I went far beyond that.

- Oh, yes, I told her I had a wife.
- A wife?

Yes, a widow with two teenage
children, and she wants to meet them.

She wants to meet... oh
Harry, you are in a lot of trouble.

Two...

Harry, this widow
with children, she

wouldn't happen to
have red hair, would she?

- That steam cabinet you've
always wanted is on its way.
- And so am I.

Oh Lucille, Lucille, Lucille,
please, please Lucille.

Oh, I'm not a well man.

I don't have long to live,


- Goodbye, Harry.
- Oh, please, Lucille! Lucille!

Please Lucille, Lucille, help me,
help me save my bachelorhood.

I'm too young to
go. I'm just a kid.

I want to play the field.

- Oh, Harry, for heaven's sake,
I want to ask you a question.
- What?

Why bother? At your age,
the field is all crabgrass.

Lucille, I implore you; all
you have to do is be my

expected wife for 15 or


Alright, alright, alright,
Harry. Okay. Okay, okay.

If it's only for 15 or


Yeah, yeah, oh thank you.

Expectant!

You mean I'm having a baby?

When?

Any minute.

You're out of your skull!

I couldn't have a TV
dinner ready that fast.

- Lucille, please!
- No, baby, no baby.

- Oh, please, please, Lucille.
- No. No.

- Lucille. Lucille?
- No.

You know that vacation you've
always wanted in the Grand Canyon?

It's yours.

All expenses paid.

What do you say now?

What do you want,
twins or triplets?

Oh, bless you!

Oh.

Uncle Harry, will you
please calm down?

Gertrude's plane just
landed, just landed.

I better get your mother
out of the washroom.

- Uncle Harry.
- What?

I don't think they'll
going to let you go

in there, you know,
segregation, men, women?

Oh yeah, yeah. What's
taking her so long?

Well, she's having a little bit of
trouble keeping that pillow in place.

Harry!

Harry Carter!

Oh, you haven't changed a
bit! You're as handsome as ever!

And you are as strong
as ever, Gertrude.

Oh, and she must be part
of your new little family.

She must?

She is! She is! Oh, yeah she is.

Yeah, there are two
of them, you know.

That's Craig and Krim... Krim
and... the boy's on vacation.

- Yes, I'm the girl.
- She's right. She's the girl.

Well, Harry, where is your wife?
You promised you'd bring her.

Oh, she'll be along in a moment.

She has to walk slowly,
you know, delicate you know.

Oh, here comes
the little mother now.

Hello, momsie.

Hello, popsie.

Well, you must be Gertrude.

- Oh, it's a pleasure
to meet Harry's wife.
- Yeah.

Oh, well, please
excuse my condition.

It's only temporary,
just till the baby arrives.

- And I can tell that's
going to be any minute now.
- Oh?

I've been a nurse for 20 years.

Say aren't you
carrying a little high?

Well, I'm expecting a tall baby.

Well, Gertrude, I'm so
glad you met my little family.

You know, there isn't a
think I wouldn't do for them.

- Yes. He's so sweet and devoted he's
more like a human being than a husband.
- Yeah.

Well, Gertrude, don't you
think you'll better board your

plane and get a head start
on all that free champagne?

Yeah, no sense letting
the pilots drink it all.

Well, I tell you, I
do think I'll take a

minute and call my
mother to tell her I'm okay.

- She always worries about me.
- Oh?

Harry, she doesn't
have a mustache.

It's a little early in the day.

- Oh, good heavens!
- What's the matter?

Oh, I may get a ticket.

- Kim?
- Yeah?

Run out and put another penny on
the parking meter, will you please?

Okay, give me a penny.

- Don't you have one of your own?
- No!

- It's your car, Harry.
- Well, really...

Alright, give her a
penny, give her a penny.

Thank you.

Yes, you know something, Harry?

You are the cheapest
husband I never had.

Lucy! Lucy Carter!

Good heavens! It's Lilian
Rylander from my bridge club.

If she sees me like this, she'll
be on the phone for three days.

Hold the baby.

- Hi Lucy!
- Hi. Hi, there, Lilly.

What are you doing here?

- Well, Jane and I are on our way to
Chicago for a bridge tournament.
- Oh!

- You're going someplace too?
- No, no, we're just meeting someone.

I want you to meet my
brother-in-law, Harry Carter.

- Lillian Rylander.
- Oh, charmed.

I... just horseback riding.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Where are Hilda and Jane?

- Well, they'll be here any minute.
- Oh, really?

- Lucy, I'll see you when I get back.
- Oh, have a good time.

- Bye!
- Bye, dear.

Oh, nice to have met you. Bye!

Boy, was I having a close call.

Look, I don't want anybody else to see me
on my condition. I'm getting out of here.

Please! Momsie!

Look, I’m not your mumsie. Get
yourself another momsie, popsie!

- Please, please I'll give you a raise.
- How much?

Five dollars.

I want 10 and won't
take a cent less.

- $7.50.
- I'll take it.

Oh, good. Here she
comes! Here she comes!

Oh, quick the pillow the pillow!

Oh, the pillow, the
pillow, yes, the pillow.

Not you, me.

- Well, mother was so
relieved to hear from me.
- Oh, I'm glad.

Say, your baby seems
to be shifting to the left.

Oh, well, he's so young.
Who knows how he'll vote.

Harry, she's too much.

Listen dear, I'd like to get
you a little gift before I leave.

How about a nice
big box of chocolates?

Oh, no thanks, no thanks.
I'm trying to keep my figure.

- I mean the doctor doesn't
want me to gain any more weight.
- Oh, that's nonsense.

This is one time in a
woman's life when she

should indulge herself,
give in to her desires.

Surely, you must have some
cravings a little? Yearn for something?

What is it?

Oh, well, when I'm this condition, I do
have a yearn for pickles and ice cream.

Oh, yes, of course,
pickles and ice cream.

- Well, I can't get any around here.
- I know.

I wish I had time to run
out and get you some.

Well, that's alright. I don't
want you to miss your plane.

Oh, well, Harry, I
guess this is goodbye.

My, how time flies
when you're having fun.

Well, it was a real pleasure
seeing you again, Gertrude.

I hope you have a smooth flight.

Yeah, why don't you sit over a
wing? That's what the birds do.

Oh, Harry, she's too much!

Hah, you're a lucky man, Harry.

[announcer] Attention,
passengers for flight 99 for Honolulu.

Due to mechanical difficulties, your
flight has been delayed for five hours.

My plane.

- My heavens.
- My baby.

What about your baby?

It's kicking, it's kicking.

I knew it. I knew it. I knew it.

But you're in luck. I
can stay with you now.

Oh, but, but your plane
has more than one engine.

- It can limp to Hawaii.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, actually, I'm glad I can be right
by your side until my plane leaves.

- Oh, no, no, no, my wife and I
wouldn't think of imposing.
- No, no, no.

- There must be other planes for Hawaii.
- Yeah, there are a lot of planes.

- They go every hour.
- Why not take a ship?

You can rent a small motorboat,
wouldn't' be... a surfboard...

Why don't you go by train?

Say, can you still swim?

He's so nervous,
he's incoherent.

Yeah, yeah, he is
nervous. It's his first baby.

Thanks. I needed that.

Oh, I have assisted in
the delivery of thousands

of babies and each
one is so different.

I'm just dying to see what
your baby will look like.

Oh, well, it will be
different all right. Yeah.

It might even make the cover
of the American Medical Journal.

Will you save that
for the rock festival?

- Okay, daddy.
- "Oh, thank you, daddy."

Hello momsie!

Abraham, Alice,
Aloysius, Annabelle...

Just a moment.
What are you doing?

I'm trying to pick a
name for the baby.

You're not having a baby,
you're having a pillow.

Well, go explain that to
Gertrude. She bought me the book.

She told me to pick
a name for the baby.

- That's what I'm doing.
- Baby book... hold it down.

The Gestapo is right in
the kitchen, you know.

I know, I know.

Arnold, Alexander...

I brought a little snackie
for the little mommy.

Oh, thank you. I
am a little bit hungry.

- What is it?
- Just what you ordered,
pickles and ice cream.

Oh, maybe I better not eat right
now. I might spoil my appetite.

Oh, nonsense! You got
to keep your strength up.

Now, first a nice
big bite of pickle.

- Aaah!
- Come on.

Come on. Come on.

That's it and now, a
big spoon of ice cream.

There we go.

And another bite of pickle.

And another spoon of ice cream,

and another bite of pickle.

Oh, I'll get it. Here, feed
her with the rest of that.

- You want some?
- No!

You really ought to
try it, Harry. It's great.

Oh, you got to be kidding.

No, as a matter of fact,
when Kim was born,

I practically lived on pickles and ice
cream and I've forgotten how good it was.

Harry, the baby's
bassinet is here. I need $25.

The kid doesn't need a bath-a-net it
can take a shower like the rest of us.

You're cute, Harry.

Now, go pay the man and bring it in
here. I'll go make room for it upstairs.

Oh.

Well, go on, Harry!

I'm going! I'm going!
I'm going. I'm going.

Poor, popsie.

It's costing you a fortune and all the
stork will deliver is a bunch of feathers.

Oh, very funny.

Mama.

Mama.

Mama. Oh Kim, don't
do that in my condition.

Well, I'll just talk about babies.
It got me feeling sentimental.

- Do you remember Clarabelle?
- Oh, do I remember Clarabelle?

- You know, you were much bigger
than that when we gave her to you.
- Yeah.

And the way you used to sit and rock
her day and night, oh I can see you now.

- You were so sweet.
- Mama.

Mama.

Mama. Mama. Mama.

Lucille! You didn't!

You haven't!

What am I saying? You couldn't!

- Sorry, Uncle Harry,
this isn't even a tax deduction.
- Oh.

- No, it's Clarabelle.
- Oh, Clarabelle.

- Oh! Oh!
- What's the matter?
- What's the matter, mom?

I'm beginning to get pains.

Pains! That's impossible.

No, it's not. The ice
cream just hit the pickles.

- Uncle Harry, do something!
- I don't know. You do something!

What's the matter?
What's the matter?

Oh, it's time to get
you to the hospital.

- I'll call a cab.
- No! No, don't call a cab.

- I'll drive her to the hospital.
- You're in no condition to drive.

Then she'll drive.

Harry, do something. Oh!

Oh, give me that phone.
I want to call a doctor.

After I call the
cab, I'll call a doctor.

Oh, mother, is there
anything I can do?

I don't know, throw me over
your shoulder and burp me.

Harry, I got a stupid question.
What are we waiting for?

We are waiting for the cab. Gertrude
ordered to take you to the hospital.

To have what, five
pounds of feathers?

Look, my stomach is better.
I am not going to a hospital.

Now, just put junior
back in the linen closet.

No, Lucille, please, I beg you.

If Gertrude finds out this is all a
hoax, she'll bludgeon me into marriage.

Harry, face it, we all
got to go sometime.

[doorbell] Hold the
cab. I'll be right down.

Don't get rattled. Be calm.

I'll take care of the cab.
Don't worry about a thing.

Go away, driver. We
don't want a cab. Go.

- What cab? I'm delivering a steam cabinet.
- Oh!

- Where do you want it?
- Oh, put it right in here.

Oh, a steam cabinet, Harry.
Oh, it came. Thank you.

Oh, I’m so happy. Thank
you... oh it's a beautiful yellow.

Look at it, Harry,
isn't it beautiful?

Put it right in
here, right in here.

Oh, Harry, thank you.
Thank you, so much.

You're welcome. You're
welcome, so much.

Oh, you're so nice.

- Here it is, all plugged in.
- Oh, thank you.

Congratulations, ma'am. I
bet you it's going to be a boy.

A boy what?

And you must be the
happy grandfather.

The happy father and
you can forget about a tip!

Which you weren't
going to get anyway.

Thank you. Thank you.

- Oh, Harry, this is beautiful!
- Oh, I suppose.

Lucille, what are you
doing? What are you doing?

- I'm going to try it on for size.
- Oh no, Lucille for heaven's sake
Gertrude may be down any second.

- Oh, Harry!
- Will you get out of there?

Oh, Harry, this is beautiful.
Oh, you know something?

It's very interesting that it
has the controls right in here.

Lucille, get out of there.

- Now, I wonder what this knob is for?
- Lucille, will you get out of there.

- Oh no!
- Hold the cab. I'm coming.

Oh, stay in there.

What are you doing in there?

- She's getting a little
steam before getting birth.
- Yeah.

I always do this for my babies. It
steams the wrinkles out of them.

Oh yeah. It's an old
family secret. Yeah.

Why would anybody want to
steam wrinkles out of a baby?

- Yeah, well, it makes them look younger.
- Oh, that's ridiculous!

Well, mother clam is doing it.
You've heard of steamed clams.

Yes, and I've heard
of cracked crabs.

I think I'll get my bag so I can
leave straight from the hospital.

Oh, Harry, get me out
of here. I think I'm done.

Oh!

I forgot that this
thing was plugged in.

Oh!!

- That's the cab!
- Oh, get motherly for heaven's sake.

I'm coming, will somebody
answers the door.

I got the word a
lady is having a baby.

Right this way, ma'am.

No, no, no, I don't
want my child to wake up

in the hospital. He
might think he's sick.

Oh, Harry, what's the matter
with you? Let her go, will you?

- No!
- Come on, lady.

Well, why don't you go without
me? I'm calling the baby off.

Harry, she's hysterical. We've
got to get her to a hospital.

- We can't afford the hospital.
- No, no, we can't.

That's alright, mister.

You want to save money? I
can deliver the baby in my cab.

Well, thank you very much but I
wouldn't know how much to tip you.

Good afternoon! I'm Dr. Brogan.

Oh, doctor!

Somebody here called
about a stomachache?

Yeah, but it got better. My
stomach is perfectly normal now.

Doctor, she refuses to go to the hospital.
I think you better check her here.

Just a minute, doc,
this is my patient.

Your patient?

You touch this woman, I'll report you
to the American Medical Association.

You touch her and I'll turn
you in to the cab drivers' union!

- Doc, how many babies have you
delivered with one hand on the wheel?
- Yeah, how about that?

Harry, I have had it.

You should have waited for
me instead of marrying this cook!

- Cabbie, drive me to the airport!
- Yes, ma'am.

We did it! We did it!
I'm a bachelor again.

And so am I!

- Lady? Lady?
- Yeah?

I don't know what game you two are playing
but this house call is costing you $20.

Oh, well, my ex-husband
would be very happy to pay you.

- Twenty?
- That's right, $20.

Well, say, doctor, so that
your visit won't be a total waste,

- all day long, I've had this nagging pain.
- Where?

Right in the area
of his wallet, popsie.