03x15 - Lucy and Ma Parker

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz, and Desi Arnaz, Jr.

- Kim!
- What?

Come here and help me.

Why?

My head, it's stuck.

Shame on you, Snoupy Sales.

Oh no, I'll never mind that.
Come on, get me out of here.

There's a snail trying
to kiss me on the lips.

Alright, alright. Wait. Oh gee.

What's going on?

Mother got her head
stuck in the hedge.

What else is new?

There! My.

- How did that happen?
- Oh, she was spying on
the neighbors again.

Well, now, what's the latest
flash from the hermits next door?

All I know is there is a mother and two
school age kids who don't go to school,

nobody goes out for
food or buy some paper

and that's all the news
to my 6 p.m. bulletin.

[buzzing]

Oh! There's a bee here again.

Mom! It's just the alarm
on your wristwatch.

Oh, that darn thing.

It always scares me to death
but it does remind me to do things.

What's it suppose to
remind you to do now?

I forget.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I want to
call Harry out here to take a nap.

Harry! Harry!

Harry, come out here!

Oh, Harry!

What's the matter? What's
the matter? What happened?

Oh, it's you.

I thought it was a sonic boom.

Well, what do you want?

It's such a beautiful day.

I thought you ought to come out
and take a nap. What were you doing?

Taking a nap.

Oh, well, don't
let me interrupt it.

Craig, look at this grill.

- What's the matter with it, mom?
- It's a mess. You got to clean it up.

But mom, I'm busy.
Can't Kim do it?

- I just did my nails.
- Does that answer your question?

- That's what I said,
I'll clean the grill.
- Thank you.

- It's a mess this grill.
- Yeah.

Oh, very mysterious.

What is, mom?

Why I don't see a man around.

Maybe she's a widow or a
divorcee. Maybe she's single.

No, she couldn't be
single. She got two kids.

Her husband's probably
away on business.

Maybe he's a traveling salesman.

- Oh, I wonder
if it was— - Ahhh!

Lucille!

Why me?

Am I being punished for something
terrible I did in some other life?

Oh no, Harry, anything terrible you're
doing, you're doing that in this life.

Lucille, why are you wasting your time
wondering about mysterious neighbors?

Can't you just mind
your own business?

No. I want to help
these poor lonely people.

You know, that's the
trouble of the world today.

People never think
about their neighbors.

I'd like to offer them a few drops
of the milk of human kindness.

The milk of human kindness,

I have a feeling those
poor lonely people are

going to be pasteurized,
h*m*, and curdled.

- Oh, Lucille!
- Now what a thing to say.

- Hey, ma.
- Yeah.

- What is it?
- I'm starting to go stir crazy.

How much longer are we going
to be holding up in this flea trap?

Till we get rid of them phony $20
bills we have been printing all the week.

Any more stupid
questions, half pie?

Just one.

You still think it's
smart for us to be hiding

at a respectable
neighborhood like this?

Now, that is why you will
always be a m*dget, Herman.

You don't think big.

Mildred! Where is that
last batch of funny money?

I was drying them,

and stop calling me
Mildred. My name is Milton.

While we are on this job,
your name will be Mildred

if I have to slap a girdle
and some panty hose on you.

And pick up your curls
and put them on your head.

I don't like being


I've been drinking
in bars for 14 years.

- What did you order, a short beer?
- You're going to get it!

Okay, knock it off, or I'll stick you in
a matchbox and drop you in the river!

It's the fuzz.

Okay, okay, don't come
unglued and put your gats away

and remember, you guys
know what to do now you do it.

Is my hair on straight?

Yeah, but your
head's all crooked.

Now, cool it.

Mildred, open the door.

Welcome wagons is here.

I'm your next-door neighbor.

Welcome to our block and I just
hope we'll be seeing a lot of each other.

And look at all of the gifts that I
brought you, a pie from the baker

and perfume from the drug store

and for kiddies, bubble
gum, there we are

and two tickets for
the policeman's ball.

My, what adorable little
children. How old are you, honey?

Thirty... uh, 10.

Ha ha 30-10, isn't that cute?

Oh, and look what else I
have for you, kiddies, lollypops!

You like those?

Good, good.

My what a lovely place you have.

Oh, for goodness sake,
look at all this money!

You shouldn't leave it lying around.
We've had crooks in the neighborhood.

Well, I always like to keep them loot...
loose, loose cash around the house.

Oh, nonsense. This money
is going right in the bank.

I'll take you down and introduce
you to our banker, Mrs. Parker.

Don't do it, lady.

Naughty, naughty!

For heaven's sake at
your age, you should

be playing post office
not cops and robbers.

What our country needs
is more kissers, not K*llers.

Here's your water p*stol.

Thanks so much for
dropping by, Mrs. Carter.

And you stop by again sometime,
like around next Christmas.

Oh, I'll be coming
over long before that.

Oh, I almost forgot, the
neighborhood welcome song.

Now, let's see.

[singings] Love they neighbors.

Heavens, what's the
matter with this piano?

Oh, heavens, no wonder.

You really shouldn't let
children play with w*r toys.

You know, they say
that it breeds hostility.

You shouldn't...

Oh, good heavens!

Now you see how
dangerous these things are?

That nasty little cork broke
all your beautiful things.

Well, thanks again so
much for dropping by.

I'm sorry to have to rush you off
but it's time for the children's nap.

Well... a nap at
their age? Nonsense.

Now, they're coming with me to meet
my kids and I won't take no for an answer.

- Oh boy. We're going away.
- Come on, here we go.

Bye, mommy.

Blow on them.

A little sound from
heaven 14 passes in a row.

Want to sh**t for some
dough and make it interesting?

No, I couldn't take
money from a little kid.

Don't worry, you won't.

Wait a minute, Herman.

You started teaching me
this game with white dice.

How come they're red now?

It's a hot day! They
could have got sunburned!

How about some other
game say arm wrestling?

Arm wrestling?

Okay, I'll take
it easy with you.

Ready?

Go!

Five bucks says I can put you down
on the left hand? You're going to bet?

I wouldn't bet you that
my name is Craig Carter.

Kim! Hello, Kim!

- What are you doing?
- We're making mud pies.

Will you come here a minute?

Aren't they beautiful!
Which one is the doll?

- Cut it out.
- Shame on you!

Now, Herman, you
kiss your litter sister.

Now, Herman, now, come on,
be a good boy and kiss your sister.

You got to chloroform me first.

Alright, I got the hotdogs.
You put them on, will you dear?

Honey, will you help Uncle Harry with
the pickles and beans and the sauerkraut?

Well, I hope you kids
are having a good time.

Oh, Mildred my goodness,
how did you get so dirty?

We was making mud pies.

Well now, maybe we better take
you upstairs and give you a bath.

We'll surprise your mommy.

Mommy wont' be
only one we'll surprise.

Come on, Mildred.

I'm just as dirty as she is. I
want you to give me a bath too!

Well, I don't know if we have
enough time before lunch.

Oh, my watch is gone.

- What did it look like?
- Well, it has a black band and a
white face and an alarm buzzer.

[buzzer]

I think I found your watch.

Is there a reward?

Now Herman, you know
you didn't find that watch.

Well, I'd take you over my knee and
spank you if my arm wasn't so sore.

Mom, I think this
kid's a little pickpocket.

Oh, Craig, if Herman says he found
my watch now we've got to believe him.

Remember, in America, a person
is innocent until he's proven guilty.

My wallet! My wallet! My
wallet! My wallet is missing!

And he's just
been proven guilty.

I didn't take the wallet.

Here's your wallet, Uncle Harry.

Oh, this isn't my wallet thought.
Uh-oh, I just remembered.

I left my wallet at home.

You mean this really
belongs to little Herman?

- I guess it does.
- Oh, Craig I feel terrible.

Now, maybe he did find my watch.

Now, maybe we've
hurt that child's feelings.

Look you run next door and return
his wallet and tell him we're sorry.

And here's little Herman...
Herman's driver's license.

His driver's license!
He's only 10!

Well, in California, they
let anybody on the road.

Herman Golab, height
four foot two, age 35!

Mom, that big phony
is a little m*dget!

Well, I can't believe it. You
mean he's a 35-year-old man?

And I was going
to give him a bath!

Oh, and here's something
from his parole board.

- His parole board?
- And here's a picture of
his mother, Mrs. Parker.

It's from a newspaper.
She made the FBI's

list of the 10 most
wanted crooks of the year.

- The ten most wanted crooks!
- Mom!

When Mildred just ran by me, she dropped
this wig off of her head. I mean his head.

She's really a boy!

Good heavens! That's
two men I almost bathed.

It's really very simple,
Lieutenant Hickox.

You see, this g*ng has a
little boy who is 35 years

old and his baby sister
is really his brother.

And only their mother is normal,
unless she's really their father.

And that could be.

Wow!

Never thought of that.

Blow up this balloon, please?

- Blow up the balloon, please.
- No, I will not.

What's the matter with
you? Are you loaded?

- No but I think you are.
- Well, if you don't believe me?

I will just take my crime
business elsewhere.

Alright, go on, get in there. The
three of you. Go on, get in there.

Lieutenant, we just busted
up a counterfeiting ring.

These are my
next door criminals!

You had to pass
out them phony 20s.

Stop picking on me, ma!

Ah! Why you...

No, ma!

Wow, imagine how strong
she'd be if she didn't smoke.

Who gets rid of
this stuff for you?

Wouldn't you like to know?

Their contact, the guy named
Joe Grapefruit is flying in

tonight from Chicago to pick
up 100 Gs of their funny money.

They're supposed to meet at
a spot called The Red Devil.

We'll nab this Joe Grapefruit tonight
when he comes to pick up the phony bills.

Fat chance.

When I don't show,
Grapefruit will take a powder.

Well, ma, we can make
your sentence a little easier

if you play along with us
and go meet Grapefruit.

Me turn stooly?

My mom ain't no stool pigeon.

Ow!

- That's my boy!
- Get them out of here!

Come on! All of you. out here.

- Go on. Out.
- Out, out.

- Here fellas, do you read lips?
- Yeah. Why?

Phhhhh!

She's worse than
nine miles of barbwire.

We're not going to have
any collaboration on her.

May I make a suggestion?

What's that, Mrs. Carter?

Well, the other night I saw a
picture on the late, late show, see,

and two G men were in the same
spot as you are with Ma Parker.

Only they had a g*n mom named
Mamie who wouldn't cooperate.

So, you can do what they did.

Send someone to impersonate her.

Ma Parker, not Mamie.

You know, that is so
corny that it might work.

Every time I saw
the picture, it worked.

I saw it three times.

Well, who do we get to
take Ma Parker's place?

Well, I've seen another Ma
Parker to impersonate her.

- You?
- Why not?

Yeah, why not?

Well, sending her
would be highly irregular.

Don't worry, we'll handle
things in our usual way.

- Alright then, you'll be there.
- Okay.

- And good luck, Mrs. Carter.
- Oh, thanks.

Can I do something
for you, lady?

What do you have in mind, baby?

Hey, anybody in this
place looking for a dame?

In this place, who ain't?

Never mind.

Hi friend, I see
you dig Grapefruit.

I'm Ma Parker.

Swell, I'll send you a
card on mother's day.

You are Joe Grapefruit, right?

You got a really
juicy calling card.

Look, I'm bringing
on hot bills, Joe.

You can pay me the cash, money
order, or any major credit cards.

- Who are you? Who are you, sister?
- I told you, Ma Parker.

Prove it!

Well, now that's easy. It so
happens I bring along my fingerprint.

That's good enough for me.

According to the info the boys sent
me, Ma Parker has got a scar on her hip.

- Which one?
- Right.

- Right.
- Let's see it.

Look, Grapefruit, I've come to
do business, not a striptease.

Every minute you stall around,
this dough is gonna cost you more.

Us crooks are getting hit
by inflation too, you know.

I got the word you was meeting me
with a couple of hoods acting as your kids.

Yeah, and I got them right
here, baby. Mildred! Herman!

What are you trying to pull?
They're supposed to be midgets.

Well, we're not.

Ain't you heard California has got
the tallest midgets in the country.

Yeah, if it weren't for the smog holding
us down, us midgets would be giants!

They're real smart
little guys, Grapefruit.

Next year, they're going to
Italy on a Mafia scholarship.

- This is a guy?
- Yeah, great disguise, huh?

Boy, am I with the wrong mob?

It says here, right here.
Right here that they're 35.

They look kind of young to me.

Well, it's clean living and short hours.
They only work when the banks is closed.

You know something?

I don't think they're midgets
and I don't think you're Ma Parker.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Why are so you so
suspicious, Grapefruit?

Think I'm trying to put
the squeeze on you?

Well, I give you one
more chance to prove it.

According to the boys,
Ma Parker claims she can

lift a couple of hundred
pounds. Over her head.

She can? I mean, I can.

Well, but I... I was
smashed when I said that.

- Let's go over to the bar.
- Well, I don't mind if I do.

Nothing like doing business
over a couple of belts.

Lead the way, buster.

Alright, you want to leave
this joint feet first, lift that guy.

Well, if you put it that way.

Uh-uh, the big
one, up in the air!

You're putting me on. The
auto club couldn't lift that guy.

Lift that guy!

This guy doesn't
want to be lifted.

Lift that guy or when I get through with
you, you won't be able to lift your eyes.

- Mugsie!
- Okay, okay, okay.

Quit stuffing yourself.
Don't make it any tougher.

This is the first time I ever
picked up a guy in a bar.

- Where do you want him?
- Any place you like.

As for you.

Anything else you want done?

- Okay, Ma, you got me convinced.
- Great.

Well, here's 25 Gs
of Uncle Sam's best.

Let's have the funny money.

Smile! You're on candid camera.

Haha! We got your picture!

It's a frame-up.

No, no the frame will
cost you 35 cents extra.

Hey, where's the
dough? This bag's empty.

Well, I deducted the federal
taxes, state tax, Medicare,

social security, and the
unemployment insurance.

Take it or leave it.

Why you!

Nice work, Mrs. Carter and you
got a fine little family here too.

Oh, Lieutenant Hickox,
boy am I glad to see you.

Hey, Mugsie, come
on! Take care of them.

- Ahh!
- Oh no. Keep her away! Keep her away!

I'll go quiet.

She's a k*ller.

Alright, come
out of here, go on.

Mom you really had us scared!

Yeah, you flipped us out.

How were you able to lift
that big guy over your head?

I just used my
secret weapon, fear.