03x16 - Lucy Stops a Marriage

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz, and Desi Arnaz, Jr.

- Good morning, Harry.
- Good morning, good morning, Lucille.

Well, at work already are we?

All ready. I was here an
hour early this morning.

Well, isn't that nice?

Well, I went to my tailor
and picked up a new suit

and I went to the
barbershop and had the works,

mustache trim, shave,
haircut, manicure, everything.

I've seen peacocks do that
but you don't have a tail for it.

- Oh, really, Harry, you look
positively groovy.
- Oh, thank you, thank you.

Harry? You're in such a good mood
this morning. I was just wondering...

Lucille, would you make a luncheon
reservation for two for me, please?

Yes sir, yes sir, one
reservation coming right up.

Oh, any special place, sir?

Well, I feel a little
continental, yes.

Oh, call up that little
French bistro, the Chamois.

- Make a reservation for two, please.
- Chamois, table for two.

Who's the other
man, a new client?

It doesn't necessarily have to be a
man. It could be a woman, you know.

- A woman?
- Yeah.

What woman?

Well, if you must
know, Laura Trenton.

The Laura Trenton of
the Pasadena Trentons?

The same.

Lucille, close your mouth. Put
your eyes back in your head.

My association with Laura
Trenton is purely business.

How pure?

It is none of your concern, Lucille.
Will you please make the reservation?

Please, go, go.

- Laura! How nice!
- Oh, Harry, Harry darling!

- Oh nice to see you.
- I hope I'm not too too terribly early?

Well, you care a teensy-weensy
bit early but I'm delighted.

Laura, this is my secretary, Lucille Carter
and Mrs. Carter, this is Mrs. Trenton.

- How do you do, Mrs. Carter.
- How do you do?

Now, I know you two have a lot to
talk about so I'll be quiet as a mouse.

That won't make any difference
because you won't be here.

I want you go and make that
reservation in person. Out please.

- But...
- Out!

Oh, Laura, so sorry, my dear.
Please, sit down, sit down, sit down.

- Thank you, Harry.
- Oh, you look lovely, lovely.

Oh, thank you. You're so sweet.

- Well, then Laura, about your
investing in this agency, - Yes.

I think there are a number of things
that we ought to go into. We got...

Oh, Mrs. Trenton, forgive
me, I've been so stupid.

Since childhood.

I forgot to offer you an refreshment.
Would you like some iced tea?

Hot tea?

Lukewarm tea?
Anything you'd like?

Yes, we'd like a little privacy.

Would you please go and make
the reservation? Go, go, go, go.

Oh my.

Oh, it's so hard to get
privacy around here.

That nosy sister-in-law of mine
has to know everything that goes on.

Oh, it's such a bore.

Harry, darling, I've decided to
invest $100,000 in your company.

One hundred thou... oh, I got
you. Oh, what a wise decision...

A hundred, oh yeah,
that's a very wise...

Laura, I assure you, your money
will be perfectly safe in my hand.

Oh, you're a good and
trusted friend, Harry.

Oh, Laura, how sweet of you.

- Excuse me.
- What now?

That reservation was
just for two, wasn’t it?

It was.

I mean it didn't
include me, did it?

It didn't.

Because I wouldn't want
to go unless you insist.

I don't.

Reservation for
two, repeat, two.

Peace.

Where were we?

Well, Harry, I think darling that we
were talking about our agreement.

Oh, of course. The agreement.

Well, we can iron out
details we have just...

What was the name
of that restaurant again?

Now, Laura, I assure you you won't have
to worry about your $100,000 investment.

Oh, darling, I
trust you implicitly.

Well, I guess this officially
makes us partners, Harry.

Well, not quite.

- There is one little thing we have to do.
- Oh?

Oh, yes, yes. You see,
when you open a branch office,

- you have to down to the City Hall
and get a special license.
- I see.

I'll make an appointment
there for tomorrow,

if that's alright
with you, partner?

Fine, let's seal it with
a handshake, partner.

We will do better than that.
We will seal it with a kiss.

Oh!

Oh my... what I...
what a lovely ring.

Oh, thank you, Harry.

But you know, I've been needing
to have it fixed. It's coming lose.

Oh, let me do that for
you. I know a very cheap...

- A very good jeweler.
- Really?

Yes, I'll have it set
for you immediately.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, Harry, you're such a dear.

Oh, bless your heart.

I'll pick you up
at 12:30 for lunch.

- 12:30, sharp.
- Oh yes, I'll be there.

Yahoo!

Oh, you financial tycoon, you!

One hundred thousand
dollars plus my good looks.

Oh, somebody up there likes me.

I can't say that I blame him.

[singing] I'm in the money. I'm in the
money. I'm in the money. I... you're back.

Yes, sir and I did
everything you told me to.

Good, good.

- Harry?
- What do you want?

- I want a $10 raise.
- A raise?

At a time like this?

And a time like what?

Why, don't you know that I'm
teetering on the verge of bankruptcy?

Bankruptcy?

I hate to tell you
this but I'm flat broke.

Why, Harry, if you're flat broke, How
could you afford to buy that new suit

and do everything you
did at the barber's shop

today, and then take
people out to lunch and...

Well, Lucille, don't you see? I
have to keep up appearances.

I have to, even though
my heart is breaking.

It's what you might
call laugh, clown, laugh.

- Oh, Harry, I didn't know things
were this bad.
- Oh, it's so terrible.

Oh, Harry, don't, don't, I can't
stand to see a man cry, even you.

- I'm ruined.
- Oh, no.

I don't care for myself but

- I had intended to send
Kim and Craig to college.
- Oh, Harry.

But they will go to college never fear
no matter what sacrifices I have to make.

Oh, Harry, you're so good.

I know.

Well, let me help you.
Forget about my raise.

I will. I will.

Is there anything else I can do?
Anything, anything at all, Harry.

Well... oh no, no, I
couldn't ask you to do that.

Ask me anything.

Oh, no, I couldn't ask
you to cut your salary.

- Cut my salary!
- Oh, thank you.

- This is the table.
- Thank you.

Now, you're sure this next booth is
the one that I reserved for Mr. Carter?

- Oh, oui, madam.
- Thank you. Sit down, kids.

Gracias.

Mom, I still don't like the idea
of spying on poor Uncle Harry.

Now, honey, we've got
to. I have a feeling he's

planning to marry Mrs.
Trenton just for her money.

Mom, do you mean Uncle Harry would marry
some beat up old chic just for her dough?

Craig, she is not
a beat up old chic.

And remember, he's doing this just for
you and Kim. Now, just don't forget that.

- Right this way, Mr. Carter.
- Yeah. Thank you.

- I've been here twice.
- Sure.

The food's very
good too, very good.

- Uh-oh, my mistake here.
- Thank you, so much.

- c*ck, Monsieur?
- Oh, Maurice, no, no, no.

This is a special occasion and a
special occasion calls for a special drink.

We'll have champagne!

Oui, Monsieur,
domestic or the imported?

The imported, of course.

From Fresno.

I was just thinking, my first
husband loved to order wine.

Unfortunately, I was never
the woman he ordered it for.

What a contemptible tad.

I had four contemptible tads.

Wow, she's been
married four times.

Now, she's window
shopping for her fifth.

- Laura, my dear,
you don't have to worry anymore.
- Oh, Harry.

Oh, it's so comforting to know that my
future is in the hands of a man like you.

- You're so... ah, here we are.
- Oh, lovely!

Fresno, 1966.

- Allow me, there you are.
- Ooh, bubbles.

There. Now, a toast.

- Laura, you remember what I promised you?
- No. What, Harry?

- You got the ring!
- Mm-hmm

He just gave her a
diamond engagement ring.

- How can he afford it?
- He probably rented it.

Oh, you're so thoughtful,
so sweet, Harry.

And don't forget, we have an
appointment at City Hall tomorrow.

They're getting married.

Why don't we get
there early, huh?

I'll pick you up at your house
at eight tomorrow morning?

She can't wait.

Just imagine, Uncle Harry getting
married for money and just for us.

Well, we can't let him do it. Now,
we just got to stop that marriage.

Come on, let's get out of here.

Oh! Harry!

Oh, are you alright?

Boy...

Boy, '66 was a bang up year.

I'm coming! I'm coming.

I'm coming. I'm
coming. I'm coming.

- Good morning, Harry. Hello, Uncle Harry.
- Good morning, Harry. How are you?

What are you doing over
here at this ungodly hour?

I brought the ledger
from your office?

What for?

To balance the books.

At seven o'clock in the morning?

You told me never put off till
tomorrow what you can do today.

- When did I tell you that?
- Three years ago.

And you came all over here at
this time? It was three years ago.

Alright, now, now, Harry, why don't
you take a cold shower. You'll feel better.

Well, I better do something.

Somebody stole the faucet.

That's the closet.
Try the bathroom.

- Right over here.
- I know where... I know where it is.

Go ahead, now get a cold shower.

Okay now, remember what I told
you. Craig, bring in all that stuff.

Hurry up.

- Craig open the window.
- Okay.

Are you sure you got all
of Uncle Harry's clothes?

- I got everything he owns.
- Okay. Real good.

There. Now,

if your Uncle Harry wants
to marry Mrs. Trenton,

he will have to say I
do in his underwear.

What do we do now?

Oh no!

Man your battle stations.

Call the police!
Call the police!

I've been robbed! I've been
robbed. I've been robbed.

My clothes are all gone, everything,
my suits, my jacket all taken!

Harry, calm down, calm down.

Calm down? How can I calm down?

All of my suits are gone, all of them
and I have an appointment at City Hall.

What am I going to do?

Well, why don't
you go like that?

I can't go to City Hall
looking like a clown.

Why not? City Hall
is full of clowns.

Wait a minute, I know where
there is something I can wear.

You do? Where?
I didn't' see it...

I mean I thought the
burglars took all your suits.

Oh, well, they cleaned
up my closet but I bet

they didn't think to
look at the hope chest!

- Your hope chest?
- Yes.

Uncle Harry has a hope chest?

I guess, he started it just after he got
that autographed picture of Marjorie Main.

Mom, if Harry finds some things to
wear, he's going to get to City Hall.

And if he gets to City Hall,
he's going to get married!

Yeah, but he's not
going to get to City Hall.

What makes you so sure?

Now, look, both of you,
take your cues for me.

No matter what happens, Harry is
not going to get out of this house.

You keep an eye on him.

Well, I guess it is a little
old fashioned, isn't it?

When did you buy that thing?

Well, now let me see. I don't... I
don't remember the year exactly.

Oh, yeah. When president Roosevelt said,
"You have nothing to fear but fear itself."

Well, wouldn't have said
that if he'd seen that outfit.

- Lucille, it will serve the purpose.
- Well, I don't know.

I must say... Oh, Harry, you got
a great, big ugly, stain back here.

Where?

Well right here...

Oh mother, there is
another one right on the front.

- Look at this one over here, Mom.
- Oh, you're kidding.

- Oh, Harry those stains.
- I don't see any stain at all.

But there is a big one...
look, don't worry about it.

I know what's wonderful
for it. Seltzer takes spots out.

- Seltzer, that's right, -
You're absolutely right.

- See if you can find some seltzer, dear.
- Seltzer, a little seltzer.

- Seltzer takes spots out?
- Yeah, seltzer is wonderful.

- Oh, we found some seltzer.
- Here you go.

Here we go.

- Are you sure that seltzer will...
- Uncle Harry, turn around over here.

There we go. Oh,
up here, there we are.

Hold still now, I want
to get this one out.

There's a big one
right under here.

- Here we go.
- There now.

There you are. Spots all gone.

"Spots all gone."

And now what happens
now that I'm a soaking mess!

Well, alright now, Harry,
we'll just wring you out.

- Wring him out, honey.
- Okee Dokee.

- I don't want to.
- Uncle Harry, wait a minute Oh,
don't you worry about a thing.

- It wrings right out, the whole suit.
- I don't want them to be...

- Oh!
- Well, hey now, the moths have
been living kind of high on the hog.

Well, Harry, that's a shame.
That really is a shame.

Let me try to
wring this out. Oh!

There you are,
dear, all wrung out.

What's the matter,
Harry, you seem annoyed.

I seem annoyed
because I am annoyed.

What am I going
to do now? You!!!!

- Nice going, mom.
- Yeah, that's only half of it.

- That was phase one. Now, for phase two.
- Right.
- Okay.

[doorbell] See who that is.

- It's Mrs. Trenton.
- Okay, now, remember play it cool.

- Oh, Mrs. Trenton.
- Oh, Mrs. Carter.

Good morning.

- Nice to see you again.
- Nice to see you, dear. Yes.

Oh, these are my
children, Kim and Craig.

Hello. Hello, how are
you? Nice to see you.

- May I take your coat?
- Yes, certainly.

- Kim, you'll hang the coat up please.
- Sure.

- Thank you.
- Please make yourself comfortable.

Oh, thank you. Mercy! What
a lovely house Harry has.

Yes. Yes. We think it's nice.

Hey mom, Uncle Harry
knows what he's doing.

She's got more curves
than the Hollywood freeway.

This is no time for
you to start growing up.

Well, where's Harry?
Did he oversleep?

- Well, actually I don't
believe he went to bed at all.
- Oh?

He's taking a nice cold shower,
you know, to clear his head.

Clear his head?

Mom, why don't you bring
Uncle Harry his breakfast.

Oh, okay dear, good idea.

This is his morning pick me up.

Does your Uncle Harry usually
drink two quarts for breakfast?

No. He usually drinks four.

My, he certainly needed that.

Does Harry always have this
need for alcoholic beverages?

Only on special occasions
like getting up in the morning.

Mrs. Trenton, would
you like to sit down?

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Well, you certainly have
well-mannered children, Mrs. Carter.

Thank you.

Oh, my goodness. It's so nice to meet
well-mannered teenagers these days.

Yeah. It's...

And what is this?

It looks like a very sexy see
through shortie nightgown.

Yes, yes, that's what it is.

Oh, Harry's cleaning
woman must have left it.

His cleaning woman
wears a shortie nightgown?

Yes, there are cleaning women
and there are cleaning women.

And does she usually leave her
nightgown under Harry's couch?

Well, I'll be frank with you.
She's not a very good cleaner.

Mrs. Carter, there is
something that I must know.

Is your brother-in-law
a playboy?

Well, let me put it this way:

Yes.

How strange. I always
thought of Harry Carter

as sensible, level
headed, down to earth.

Well, you can't get much
more earthy than this.

Is there something wrong?

Oh, for heaven's
sake. I'll take that, dear.

Oh, Harry is so careless.

I told him a thousand times
to keep this hidden in a safe.

And what is it?

Oh, it's Harry's office ledger.
It lists all of his earnings.

Oh.

Why should he hide it?

Oh, this is the real one.

You mean...

Hanky panky.

Yeah, he has a whole set of phony books
to cover up his dippings into the till.

That makes Harry
Carter the most dishonest,

thoroughly disreputable
man that I have ever met.

Well, nobody's perfect.

- Mrs. Carter, may I please have my coat.
- Oh, yes.

Thank you very much.

- I hope... I hope haven't said
anything to make you upset.
- No, you haven't, Mrs. Carter.

Thank you.

There we are.

Well, if it isn't
smoky the bear.

This happens to be my old army uniform.
I found it at the bottom of the... Laura!

Don't you touch me you
alcoholic, dirty old man.

Laura what about our deal?

The deal is off!

Laura!

What deal was
that that's off, Harry?

She was going to invest
some money in the agency.

We were going to
be business partners.

Business partners?
Just business partners?

Oh, gee, mom, we went
through all this trouble for nothing.

Uncle Harry wasn't
even thinking of getting...

Come on, kids, let's go.
Harry wants to be alone.

Hold it! Hold it, hold it.

Kim, darling, you said something about
going through a lot of trouble for nothing?

What did you mean by that?

Oh, Harry, we just
wanted to help you.

We thought that you were
marrying Mrs. Trenton for her money.

What?

- Well, of all the ridi... do I look like the
kind of man who would marry for money?
- Yes.

Never mind. I..

- Lucille, you have just cost me $100,000.
- Eww.

Now, I am not going to fire you because
you have to support Sonny and Cher.

However, from now on, you
will come to work one hour early

in the morning and you will
stay one hour later at night

for the next five years and your luncheon
hour will be cut down to 10 minutes.

Furthermore, if I find
the r*fle that goes with this

uniform, I will use it on you
if you don't get out of here!

Harry?

What?

Does this mean that
I don't get my raise?

Out of here!