03x19 - Lucy and the Raffle

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz, and Desi Arnaz, Jr.

- Mom! Mom!
- What?

- Mom, guess what happened?
- I don't know. What?

- Come on, guess!
- Give me your hint.

Well, it's something
that never ever happened

before and it will never,
ever happen again.

You made your bed today
and hung up all your clothes?

No. Mom, I'm serious. You'll never
guess if you live to be a hundred!

Then you better hurry. I
only have 70 years left.

- You remember that raffle ticket
I bought at the church bazaar?
- Yeah?

- And the first prize was a car?
- Yeah?

- Oh!
- Yeah.

- Oh, you did it!
- Yes, I did it!

- I won! I Won! Mom, I won!
- Oh, wow.

I can't believe it. No one in our
family ever won anything before.

Oh, I can't wait to see
it. Where is it? Is it here?

No, no, it's going to be
delivered on Monday.

Oh, mother it's so groovy.

It's a foreign sports model and it has
bucket sears, wire wheels, four speed.

It's got a stick shift and it
goes 160 miles an hour!

A hundred and sixt...

- You can't drive that.
- Why not?

You don't have
a pilot's license.

- Mother!
- Oh, now, look honey, you're
going to have to give it back.

I'm sorry. Anything that
goes that fast is dangerous.

Mother, I'll be careful!

No, absolutely not!
That car goes too fast!

Mom, I'll leave it with
a governor in the car!

Ronald Reagan has enough to
worry about not riding around with you.

- Now, just forget it!
- Mother please!

- Forget it, honey.
- Oh, mom!

- A hundred and 60 miles an hour.
- Oh!

It's impossible.

Alright, Lucille, what is so important
that you had to interrupt my croquet game?

Well, Harry, please
sit down and I'll tell you.

Well, I... oh, alright. Alright!

- Oh!
- Oh, I'm sorry, Harry! I'm sorry.

- Alright, alright what's the emergency?
- It's Kim.

Kim?

What's the trouble?

Is she alright?
What's the trouble?

Well, the church ran a raffle.

Kim bought a ticket for
a dollar and won the car.

That's trouble?

But Harry, it's not just a car. It's a
sports model that goes 160 miles an hour.

It's too fast.

Oh, that is too fast.

Oh, that hardly gives
you time to aim it.

- Oh, Lucille, this could be very serious.
- Yeah.

My advice would be for
Kim to get rid of that car.

It's much too high powered
an automobile for a young girl.

Yeah, that' what I thought and
I'm glad you agree with me, Harry.

- Now, the car goes back.
- Yeah.

- Kim won't like it but I'm
doing it for her own good.
- Right.

- Thank you, Harry. Thank you.
- Don't mention it.

- Would you like to order now?
- Yes, thank you.

- What would you like, Harry?
- Nothing. Thanks, I'm on a diet.

Oh, come one don't you
want a little something,

a little soft drink or some
hot tea or something?

I told you I'm on a diet.

Well, I'm so grateful for your
advice I wanted you to be guest.

I'll have steak and eggs, hash
brown, potato, buttered toast

with jam on the side, an
order of waffles, a pot of tea,

an English muffin oh,
and some sausages

with the waffles please
and a pie a la mode.

I thought you said
you were on a diet.

I am.

When I finish that,
bring me a half grapefruit.

- Mother, you can't be serious!
- I'm sorry, Kim, but you will
not be able to keep the car.

- Oh, mother.
- Now, no more discussion.

- I am doing this for
your own good, dear.
- Oh!

Why is that every time you do
something for my own good, it's always bad.

Now, Kim, don't be so upset. After all,
when I was your age, I didn't have a car.

Nobody did. They
weren't invented yet.

Oh, yes, they were.

We had to crank them
but they were invented.

- Now, honey, maybe in a year or so.
- Oh, mom!

Answer the door.
Answer the door.

- Yes?
- Does Kim Carter live here?

I'm Kim Carter.

Yes sir, and I'm her mother.

My name is Williams.
My card, madam.

"Frank Williams.
Internal revenue service."

You're too late, I
already gave at the office.

- Internal revenue,
well that's income tax, isn't it?
- Yes, ma'am.

I'm here about your daughter.

Good heavens! I don't have
to pay tax on my children, do I?

No ma'am.

- Did you recently win a
new car in a church raffle?
- Yes.

Well, as far as the
internal revenue service is

concerned, that's classified
as income and subject to tax.

Oh, well, you can forget about
that. We're getting rid of the car.

- I'm terribly sorry, madam.
- About what?

Well, you're going to have
to pay that tax, anyway.

- Why?
- Well, you see, the car is
already registered in her name.

Oh, well how much is the tax?

Well, that depends on the value of
the car and the tax bracket you're in.

- The bracket I'm in?
- Yes.

Are you in the 50% bracket? 40%?







Keep going. When
you hit it, I'll yell bingo.

Mr. Williams, couldn't you give us some
idea how much the tax is going to be?

Well, it could be anywhere
from $100, to $1000.

A thousand dollars? Where am I
going to get a thousand dollars?

I don't know, Mrs. Carter but you
will have to pay the tax on that car.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

Mrs. Carter, I'm
really, very, very sorry.

Oh, sure you are.

Oh, well now, that settles it, Kim. It's
out of my hands. You heard the man.

We have to sell the car to
raise the money to pay the taxes.

Mom, listen.

I think I know a way we
can get rid of this car, buy

another car and still have
money to pay the taxes.

- How could you do that?
- We'll hold our own raffle.

We'll raffle off this
car, sell 4,000 tickets

and make enough money
to pay the taxes on the car

and buy a safer,
less expensive one.

Kim, that is a brilliant idea.

Honey, you're thinking
more like me every day.

Don't worry,
mom. I'll outgrow it.

- You sell your tickets in this area mom,
and I'll take this area, okay?
- Yeah, okay.

And I'll probably sell
most of mine at college.

Kim, don't you think a dollar a ticket
is pretty expensive for college kids?

Yeah, I know, so I'm
offering an added attraction.

Every boy who buys the
ticket from me gets a kiss.

What?

Kim, there are over


You don't know what
you're letting yourself in for.

Oh, yes I do.

Oh, I was right. You're
getting more like me every day.

[doorbell]

I'll get it.

- Yes?
- Alright, Lucille, what's
the emergency this time?

- Well, Harry...
- Hello, Kim.

Did you get rid of
the car as I told you?

Yes and no.

"Yes and no."

Now, look I'm going to
ask the question again

and this time I would like
the answer to make sense.

So, I will ask Kim.

Did you get rid of the car?

- No, but we're going to.
- Oh?

- We found out we have to
pay income tax on it.
- Naturally.

Yeah, we'd like you to lend us the
money to pay for the raffle tickets.

- The raffle tickets?
- Yeah.

What raffle tickets?

- Well..
- Huh...

What raffle tickets?

Well, we're going to
raffle off the car just

like the church did
at a dollar a ticket.

We'll make $4000, we'll
have enough money to pay

the taxes on the car and
buy a less expensive one.

- Ah, not bad, not bad at all.
- Yes.

And we have the tickets
printed but the printer only

sent us half of them and he
won't send us the other half

until we pay him the
balance of his bill, $30.

- Well, dear, that's no problem.
- Oh!

Oh, Harry, sometimes,
you can be so sweet.

I know.

But I can afford to be sweet.

My 10% of the proceeds from
the raffle will buy a lot of sugar.

Ten percent!

Harry, that's so cheap.

That's true. I
usually charge 20,

but then of course,
she's my niece.

- Well, doesn't anyone want the money?
- Oh yes, thanks Uncle Harry.

- You're welcome, partners.
- Partners.

Well, now the first thing to do
is to get a permit for the raffle.

A permit? We need a
permit to run a raffle?

Well, of course, of course,

- now I suggest you go to the permit bureau
first thing in the morning and get one.
- Okay.

Well, I'll see you
tomorrow, partners.

Oh, say, better get me some of those.
I can sell tickets to all my friends.

- All your friends?
- Yes, yes.

Alright, one ticket
ought to take care of that.

Oh, this is the last one
I'm taking before lunch.

You folks had better move
over the yellow windows.

- Gee, which one is for raffle permits?
- I don't know but to save time, you get
in that line and I'll take this one.

Oh! Sir, would you
open the window please?

- Yes?
- I want a permit, please.

- Lady, I'm on my lunch hour.
- But...

Lady, I got to leave now.

- But, but - - You'll have to
get in one of the other lines.

But— How dare you close
your window on my but?

Now, open this window!

Will you open this wind...

Next.

Pardon me, sir.

What?

Oh I mean ma'am. Has
this clerk had his lunch yet?

How would I know that? Dum-dum?

Thank you, Mrs. Kong.

Give my regards
to your son, King.

Hi, it's small world, isn't it?

Folks, I'm going to lunch now.
Please go to the other window.

Hey, you can get in front of me.

Oh no, oh no you don't.
I've been watching you.

Come on, lady, get
at the end of the line.

You don't understand,
that's my mother.

Your mother? Oh, you poor kid.

Okay, lady, come on, come
on, go ahead. Go ahead.

Thank you.

Oh gee, I thought
I'd never get to you.

Well, and what can I
do for you, madam?

Well, I'm going to run a
raffle and I want a permit.

- Madam, you do not need a
permit to run a raffle.
- I don't?

- After all I went through, you say I
don't need a permit to run a raffle.
- That's right.

Well, now, wait a minute, mom.
Uncle Harry said we do need a permit.

- Are you sure we don't need a permit?
- That's right.

That's wrong. I
do need a permit.

- What for?
- A dog.

- Mother, we don't have a dog.
- I know but I'm going to buy one
just to have him take a bite on Harry.

Give me a permit
for a big vicious dog.

- Three thousand nine hundred and ninety seven,
- Yeah.

Oh, h* h* h*, you
jolly green giant.

You know, I don't think I've ever
seen that much money in my life.

Me neither. Wow $4000.

Oh, wait a minute, $4001.

- Uncle Harry found his friend.
- Oh good!

- Listen, we now have enough money
for the taxes and another car.
- Yes.

- Why don't we draw the
winning number right now?
- Oh good! Lets. Yeah, why not?

I'll give you that wastepaper
basket there and I'll dump

all of these in there and
we'll mix them up real good.

- Okay.
- And then you may have the
honor of drawing a lucky number.

Oh, okay. Can I use this?

- Yeah, blindfold yourself
to make sure you can't see.
- Okay.

My goodness we made a lot names.

- Okay. Now, let me spin you around.
- Okay.

There you go. I'll shake
these up real good.

Okay. Whoops!

Okay. Now, over here, mom.

Mom, no right inside the basket.

Here we go. We're going
to draw one ticket, just one.

- Okay, I got it.
- Okay.

- The winning number is 412.
- Oh good!

And it belongs to a
Miss Betty Gibson.

- Betty, hey I sold her that ticket.
- Yeah?

- I'm going to call her and
tell her the good news.
- Oh, wonderful.

[doorbell] Oh wait a minute.

- Yes?
- I'm Lieutenant Eagan.

- Are you Kim Carter?
- Yes, sir.

You're under arrest.

I'm what?

Just a moment! Who do you think you
are coming in here arresting my daughter.

- Are you her mother?
- I certainly am.

You're under arrest too.

- Come on. Let's get done in headquarters.
- No, not until I know the charge.

Lady, I'm from the vice squad.

The vice squad.

You people are raffling
off a car, are you not?

Yeah, but what does vice
squad got to do with it?

It's not a dirty
car, it's brand new!

Running a raffle is
considered gambling.

Well, lots of
people run raffles.

Yes, for charity. Yours
is for personal gain.

Now, come on.

Now, wait a minute, wait
a minute. I know my rights.

I'm allowed to
make one phone call.

- Okay, make your call.
- Who are you going?

Vice squad, do you believe this?

I've never heard of
such a thing in my life.

Harry, well thank goodness I
got you. I'm in terrible trouble.

Well, Kim and I
had been arrested.

Lower your voice, Harry.
For raffling off the car!

Well, it's considered gambling!

Harry, Harry, you've got to come
down to the police station to bail us out.

But Harry, we're your
own flesh and blood!

Okay, maybe I'm not but Kim is.

No, you can't bail
Kim out without me.

Harry, if you don't put a bail, I'll tell
the police that you are a P-A-R-T-N-E.

Alright, I'll shut
up if you put up.

Well, hurry up.

Close the door, I don't
want any stray cats in.

Oh, where's Harry? He's
never here when you need him.

Well, mom, we just
got here ourselves.

Yeah, well that's no
excuse. He should be here.

He said... oh Harry, thank
goodness you're here.

- Is he a lawyer?
- No. He isn't a lawyer.

He is a detective.
He arrested me.

- Arrested you?
- Yes, he did.

Well, good, you wanted


now, you're going to
have 10% of the trouble.

With you, a get


Picky, picky, picky.

- Order in the court.
- Yeah, be quiet, Harry.

Will the defendant
please step forward?

According to the evidence
presented in this court,

you are guilty as charged
and must be taught a lesson.

I hereby sentence
you to six months in jail.

Oh, but I didn't mean to
do it. It was an accident.

The law is the law.

Six months.

Six months in jail?

Gee, that's a stiff
sentence what did she do?

She kicked a gumball
machine, got three extra ba*ls.

- For that, she got six months?
- Oh, he's tough.

Bailiff, take her away.

I'm sorry, mother.

That's alright, son.

Just tell dad I won't
be home for supper.

Oh, his own mother. I get
a hunch we're in trouble.

Next case.

The state versus Lucille Carter,
Kim Carter, and Harrison Carter.

You are charged with
running a raffle, which

under the law is
considered ill*gal gambling.

How do you plead?
Guilty or not guilty?

Have you got
anything in between?

You know, like jaywalking
or temporary insanity?

Madam, I will not tolerate levity
in this court. How do you plead?

Not guilty, your honor but there
are exterminating circumstances.

Mother, you mean extenuating.

No, exterminating.
He's out to get us.

Your honor, may I
address the court?

- Are you her attorney?
- No, he's my accomplice.

Your honor, I am her
brother-in-law and her employer

and I am her Uncle
and I am innocent.

And I object!

- I am a victim of circumstances
and you know it— - Oh sure!

[both clamoring]

Order! Order!

Order!

You may continue, sir.

Thank you.

Your honor, this sweet child and I are
innocent of any intentional wrongdoing.

We are upright
law abiding citizens

and I respectfully request this court
to dismiss the charges against us.

Oh, and what about Mrs. Carter?

Throw the book at her.

Harry, how can you say that?

- Lucille, I told you to get rid of that
car but you had to hold a raffle for it!
- Well, you cut yourself in for 10%.

That has nothing to do with it!

- It was your idea.
- No, it wasn't my idea.

- The raffle was your idea!
- It was not, Harry!

- Yes it was!
- No, it wasn't!

- Now, Lucille, I am
not— - No, it wasn't.

What do you want?

Madam, this court will not
tolerate personal bickering.

- Where is your attorney.
- I don't have one.

If it's okay with you, sir, I would like
to defend myself and my daughter.

Oh, thanks mom. Just defend
yourself. I'll take my chances.

Oh now, don't worry Kim.

Your honor, I take full responsibility
running this raffle, was all my idea.

- Yes it was, it was, it was indeed.
- No, now, that's not true.

Mom, I won't let you
take the blame for this.

My mother had nothing
to do with this, sir.

The whole thing was my idea and if
anybody should go to jail, it should be me.

- No, dear, your mother should go to jail,
not you.
- Oh, will you be quiet, Harry.

- Well now, you should—
- It was my fault, your

Honor, and I'm ready
to pay my debt to society.

Good. So long as she
doesn't borrow the money

from me, let her pay
her debt, go ahead!

Ladies, in view of the fact
that this is your first offense,

- I will let you off with a warning.
- Oh! Thank you, your Honor!

But, as for you, sir,
you should know better.

You're a businessman.
You're experienced.

- You're older.
- Much older.

- Oh, shut up.
- That's contempt of court.

Not you! Not you, your
Honor. I told her to shut up.

She was the one I said shut up. You
go ahead and talk, talk all you want.

Go ahead. Talk, let
it come out. Talk, talk!

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Now I will let you
all off with a warning.

Oh, thank you, your Honor.

- Providing you return the money to all
those who purchased raffle tickets.
- Yes, sir.

We will return every
penny we collected.

Good, and you can start with me.

- With you, sir?
- Oh, yes.

My daughter bought a ticket
from your daughter at school.

Oh.



- Your honor, this ticket won the car!
- It did?

- Yes.
- Oh.

Well... bailiff, where's
my book on loopholes?

- Case dismissed.
- Oh, thank you.

Oh, your Honor, your Honor,

I would like you and your
family to come over for

dinner as soon as your
mother gets out of jail.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

She'll be sick of bread
and water by then.