03x20 - Lucy's House Guest, Harry

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz, and Desi Arnaz, Jr.

Hello. Reservation clerk please?

Hello. My name
is Harrison Carter.

I'm redecorating my
house and I'd be interested

in a room for two weeks
starting next Monday.

A view? Oh, well...

Overlooking the
park? That sounds nice.

How much is the room?

Forty dollars a day!

For forty dollars a day, I
should overlook Fort Knox!

Don't you have anything
cheaper? Well, say $10.

A broom closet?

What are you running there, a hotel
or a home for old jokes. Good day.

This is ridiculous. No
decent room under $40 a day.

I'll try that one there.

- Good morning, Lucille.
- Morning, Harry.

How are you this morning?

Fine.

And how is dear Kim?

She's fine.

And how is little Craig.

Well, he's not so little anymore. He's


- He's fine.
- Good, good.

You know, Lucille, I've
been thinking time is fleeting.

Before you know it, the kids all
grown up and leave home, get married,

but I'll be reproaching myself for
not having spent more time with them.

Well, now, that's a very
sweet thought, Harry.

Why don't I send Craig over to your place
on the nights that he practices his drums?

- That isn't exactly what I had in mind.
- Oh.

No, I was referring
to family activities like

gathering around the
piano, singing songs.

- We don't have a piano.
- Oh.

Or toasting marshmallows in an open
fire place, homey little things like that.

Gosh, Harry, I didn't know you felt that
way. Why don't you drop by more often?

Oh, thank you. I will.

But not this week. You
know, Craig is away on

his vacation. He won't
be back for two weeks.

Yes, I know and that's
sort of a happy coincidence.

- Oh?
- Yes.

A wonderful thought
just occurred to me.

- You know, I'm redecorating my house.
- Yeah.

Well, instead of spending two
weeks in a cold unfriendly hotel room,

why don't I move into Craig's room
and spend that time with you and Kim.

Harry, exactly when was it, this
wonderful thought occurred to you?

Oh, well, I guess it occurred
to me a little while ago.

Like for instance when
you pricing hotel rooms?

Bingo!

But honestly, Lucille, quite
aside from the financial element,

I really would enjoy spending
time with you and Kim.

Well, Harry, you're
e most welcome.

You're in the spot and after
all, what are relatives for?

My thinking exactly.

- Oh, and I want to make
one thing perfectly clear.
- What's that?

I don't want you to incur any
extra expense whatsoever,

no matter what items come up, you know,
like food, laundry, incidentals like that.

No matter how big or how
small, I insist on paying for them.

- Harry, I wouldn't think of it.
- Alright.

Boy, you sure know
when to lose an argument.

Well, mom, Craig's room
is all ready for Uncle Harry.

It took me about an hour to
pick up all his clothes off the floor.

You know, this is the first time
I ever realized he had a carpet.

It's true.

- Mom?
- What?

Maybe Uncle Harry is coming here
because he really wants to be his family.

What makes you so sure that
he just wants to save money?

Kim, to save money, your Uncle Harry
will put on a dress and stay at the YWCA.

Okay, well, if he's such
a tyrant at the office,

what makes you so sure he's going
to be such a joy around the house?

At the office, he's the
boss. Here, he is a guest.

- You think that will make any difference?
- No,

but I did give you an answer.

Actually, I think we're all
going to have a lot of fun.

- So, let's just do our best to get along
and make Uncle Harry feel at home, huh?
- Okay.

Oh, our house guest has arrived.

- Hi, Uncle Harry.
- Hello Lucille!
- Hello, Uncle Harry.

- Hello, Kim dear.
- Hello.

- Oh, now let me take this from you.
- Oh, thank you.

Hey, I have forgotten all
about Anthony and Cleopatra.

- Where I go, they go.
- Well, they are most welcome.

- What are two more
little beaks to the feed.
- That's right.

- Oh, Lucille, there are
few more things to come.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh yes, step right in here, sir.

The meter reads
four dollars and a half.

Four dollars and a half, one,
two, three, four, four and a half.

How much do you
usually get for a tip?

Oh, I usually get a dollar.

Well, I usually give a dime.

And for this, I left Sun city.

Thank you dear, thank you dear.

Well, Harry, make
yourself comfortable.

This is your home
away from home.

That's right, Uncle
Harry. We're going to do

everything we can to
make you feel at home.

Oh, thank you, thank you both.

Oh, we're going to
enjoy it here, my darlings.

- Now, remember I'm family, not company.
- Okay.

- I don't want you to put yourself
out for me in any way whatsoever.
- Okay.

Would you get those
flowers out there, please?

I want to put to my
darlings in the center.

They like to see what's
going on, you know.

Oh, good, they can watch me try to
find another place with these flowers.

Oh, Lucille, I almost forgot.

For me?

In a way, yes.

- It's a special health food
and my required menus.
- Well, thank...

Your required menus?

Oh, yes, I'm on a
rigid diet, you know.

You're going to love the
turnip and Rutabaga pie.

Turnip and rutabaga pie?

- Uncle Harry, I'll help you
get your suitcases upstairs.
- Absolutely not.

That is not a job for a girl.

Your mother will do it.

Harry, what did you do, bring
along your rock collection?

My John Phillip Sousa
records are in there.

John Phillip Sousa?
Is that a new group?

Not exactly. No, no.

You might call them the
Tijuana Brass of my generation.

I hate to ask silly questions
but what are doing with

two suitcases filled with
John Phillip Sousa records?

Well, you know, I exercise
every morning and there's

nothing better to do exercises
to than a rousing march!

[humming]

I have a great idea.

Why don't you two join me in
my exercises every morning?

What time every morning?

Six o'clock.

Oh! I pass.

Me too. I don't think
my alarm has a six on it.

- I think you just lost
yourself an exercise group, Harry.
- Sorry.

Oh, what a shame since
you're going to be up anyway.

Up? At six? All of us?

What makes you
think we'll be up then?

The only person I ever knew who slept
through a Sousa march never woke up again.

Lucille, not those please.

Those two first.
Those afterwards.

Please, those are very valuable
and I want to rest so hurry up.

I'll help you, mom.

Oh my!

Hurry up, girls. I'm waiting.

Come on!

Three minutes past six. You've
been late every morning this week.

Come on, get with it.

Oh, look alive, look alive.
Come on, come on, come on.

Now, I don't have to tell you
the routines. Now, get ready.

All set?

Here we go.

♪♪

Well, I'm off for
my five-mile jog.

One, two, three...

Well, mom the
kitchen's all finished.

Mom?

- Mom?
- Oh, Harry, I'm coming. Oh.

How can you fall
asleep standing up?

It's easy.

You just blasted out
of bed every morning at

six am to do those
backbreaking exercises.

I know what you mean.

Ah! It's me.

How's your watercress
soufflé coming along?

Oh, groovy. It's going to go great
with the wheat germ yogurt casserole.

I don't see how I'm going
to take another week of this.

A week? Has Uncle Harry
only been with us a week?

Oh, it seems like months.

How can he be so
bossy and demanding?

- He was born that way.
- Yeah.

And another thing, why does it take
two weeks for him to redo his house?

If I know your Uncle Harry, he's using
cheap paint that takes a long time to dry.

- Now, let' go over and blow on it.
- Yeah.

Well, I've stood him for one week.
I'll try to stick it out for one more.

Well, I guess I can if you can.

I didn't say I
can. I said I'd try.

Here come Captain Bligh.

Good heavens! Haven't you
girls finished your housework yet?

It's quarter to nine already.

My how time flies
when you're having fun.

If I may make a suggestion, if you would
attack your work with more vim and vigor,

you would finish sooner and
derive more satisfaction from it.

Well, my vim went out with a deep knee
bends and I blew my vigor on the pushups.

Nonsense! Exercise will
add 10 years to your life.

Yeah, I did that
this morning at 6 am.

- Oh, and Lucille?
- What?

Too much starch.
Watch it next time.

Oh Harry, before you get too
comfortable, will you help us move this?

We want to clean underneath it.

Sorry, I'm in a very exciting
part of this book. Maybe later.

For heaven's sake, Harry.

You said if you can help in
any way, all I had to do was ask.

Well, you asked, didn't you?

Harry.

Hey, watch it! Watch that dust.

My children are allergic to it.

- Yeah, what about cigar smoke?
- They love cigar smoke.

"They love cigar smoke."

I'm going to open the doors
and let some fresh air in.

Oh, don't do that. The
little dears might catch cold.

Oh, the little dears
might catch cold.

We can choke to death
but that doesn't matter.

Is my memory playing
tricks on me or did I hear

someone say we must
make Harry feel right at home.

Yeah, someone said it.

Oh, by the way, Kim. Did you
get those playing cards I asked for?

- Yes sir, six decks.
- Oh, good, good.

Oh, and Kim, there will be a change
in the children's feeding schedule.

Again?

Yes.

Starting today, I want
you to give Cleopatra 13

seeds three times a day,
and Anthony 14 seeds four.

Yes, sir.

You want her to burp them too?

Don't be facetious.

- Don't pay any attention to her loves,
she doesn't understand us.
- Oh, brother.

By the way, why
the playing cards?

Well, you don't mind if I have a few
friends over to play poker, do you?

- Poker?
- Yes.

- No, that's alright.
- Thank you.

- Who could that be?
- Aha!

My poker playing buddies
and they're right on time too.

Harry, it's nine
o'clock in the morning!

Well they couldn't get here any
earlier. They had to have breakfast.

Coming fellas, coming.
Okay, here we go. Come on in!

- Hi!
- Hi, Harry baby!

- Good to see you.
- You better have plenty of money, Harry.

- I feel hot today.
- Oh, you do? Good.

- I hope you got room
in the fridge for these.
- Oh yeah?

Where do you go?

Well, I will show you.
You just follow me.

- I can play all day and all night.
- I know. My wife's out of town.

Hey, Harry, let's
make it a marathon.

No problem. Lucille
will fix lunch and dinner

and if I’m losing,
breakfast too!

Oh this is too much, turning
the place into a gambling joint.

Maybe we could sell
out to Howard Hughes.

Hello? Yes? Who is this?

Mr. Carter's interior decorator?
Alright, I'll get him for you, madam.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

Tell Nick the Greek he's
wanted on the phone.

- Uncle Harry! Telephone.
- What?

Oh, thank you dear.
I'll be right back, fellows.

Oh, that's a swell bunch of fellows.
You'll love them when you get to know them.

Carter here.

Oh, hello, Poindexter.

What's that about the carpenter?

Not until then, huh?

Well don't worry
about it, Poindexter.

If it's going to take an extra week,
it's going to take an extra week.

Yeah, well... no, no, it's fine.
I'm very comfortable where I am.

Goodbye, Poindexter.

Thank you very much.

Okay, fellas, deuces are
wild and so is the dealer.

Two more weeks of him?
Impossible. We'll crack up.

I know. We can check Emily Post.

- There must be a polite way to
tell a house guest to cut out!
- No, no, wrong approach.

It's better if we make
it his idea to leave.

Hey, not bad.

- Let's start plotting.
- Now, hold on, Kim.

I don't want you to come up with
anything conniving, sneaky or underhanded.

- No?
- No. Just leave that to me.

♪♪

What in heaven's name was that?

- Band rehearsal.
- Band rehearsal here?

Well, yes. Uncle Harry, we
usually have band rehearsals

at the gymnasium but
they're redecorating it.

Yeah.

- So, I volunteered the
use of the house, Harry.
- Oh.

We'll be rehearsing here every single night
right on up to the big game on Saturday.

Yeah, sorry about that, Harry.

Sorry? I'm delighted.

Nothing I enjoy more than the
umph pah umph pah of a good band.

Well, they're going to be
practicing here two hours every night.

The only way to do it.
Practice makes perfect.

Gee, I sure would like
to sit in with you cats.

You know, I used to
play in my school band.

I played the tuba.

Oh, do you mind
if I toot your tuba?

Thanks. Yeah.

Wouldn't you know it?
Hot lips Harry loves it.

Well, now don't get too upset,
mom. We still have plan B.

Right, plan B. Go girl, go!

What's the matter, having
a little trouble, Harry?

- They don't seem to make these
things as big as they used to.
- No.

No doubt about that.
You need a stylish stout.

Oh, don't be funny.

Well, hi there, Willy!

What is that?

I believe that's the goat.

I know it's a goat.
What's it doing here?

Uncle Harry, this is our school mascot
we have to keep in here until the big game.

In the house?

Well, it's the best place to
hide him. You see, every year,

state college tries to swipe
him before the annual game.

Yeah, it's only for five
days and five nights.

Hi there, Willy. Oh,
isn't he adorable?

[sneezing]

Lucille! You know I'm
allergic to long-haired animals.

What did you say, Harry?

You know I'm allergic
to long haired animals.

Well, I'm sorry but we
can't shave him just for you.

I refuse to live in the same
house with the goat. I'm leaving.

Oh, this is all I need.
One more thing...

Oh, for heaven’s sake.
It blew up... achoo!

- It worked!
- Thank God!

- Thank you, Willy.
- Thanks, Willy. Let's go celebrate.

Kids thank you very much.

How about the victory
march now? Okay.

♪♪

Hold still, Willy.

You're going to have to
say goodbye to Uncle Harry.

Yeah, what's holding
your Uncle Harry up?

Well, he's checking to see if he
forgot anything. Isn't he cute, mom?

He sure is and he makes a much better
house guest than some people I know.

And instead of smoking
cigars, he eats them.

Hey, enjoy, enjoy, Willy.

- Oh, cabbie?
- Yes, ma'am?

You better take this with you.

Just put it on the front seat. You
might as well have companionship.

It will make up for the
tip you're not going to get.

Oh.

Oh, what? What's the matter,
mom? What are you thinking?

- Oh, it's too horrible to mention.
- No. now, come on, tell me.

Remember the play, "The
Man Who Came to Dinner?"

No, I don't think I ever saw it.

Well, it was about
this miserable house

guest, Sheridan Whiteside.
He was impossible.

And he overstayed his welcome and when he
finally left, he fell on the front porch,

broke his leg and had to move
back into the house for six weeks.

Bite your tongue, mom!

- Oh, you and your horror stories.
- Yeah. I'm sorry I brought it up.

- Well, goodbye.
- Bye, Harry.

- Thank you very much.
- You're welcome.

As for you, you... [sneezes]

- Gesundheit, Harry.
- Thank you. Thank you.

- Oh, cabbie, be very careful
with those. They're valuable.
- Yes, sir.

- Well, goodbye again and
I'll see you at the office.
- Yes. Be careful now, Harry.

- I will.
- Watch your step.

Watch it, Uncle Harry.

[crashing]

Oh no!

Oh no! It can't be.

Oh, that only happens
in plays and movies!

Uncle Harry, are you hurt?

No, I'm not hurt

but that stupid cab driver
dropped my precious records.

Oh, that's wonderful.

- What?
- I mean it's wonderful
that you're all right.

Oh. Well, I have to check with
my insurance company. Ah!!

Oh. Don't touch me.

- Oh, I think I broke my leg.
- You broke your leg?

- Oh, call the doctor.
- It's not broken, Uncle Harry.

And get that goat out... achoo!

- Will you get that goat out of here?
- Oh, Harry.