04x01 - Lucy and Flip Go Legit

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-starring Gale Gordon

and Lucie Arnaz.

Employment Agency.

Unique Employment
Agency, may I help you?

I'd like to hire a
secretary for two days.

Oh, well we have lots
of excellent secretaries.

What kind of work
will she be doing?

She'll be answering
mail for Flip Wilson.

Flip Wilson?

The Flip Wilson?

Yes.

Oh, well I have just the girl.

Her name is Lucille Carter.

What are her qualifications?

She never misses
the Flip Wilson Show.

Well that's nice,
but besides that?

Well, she's an excellent typist
and she's very fast at dictation.

She has a wonderful personality.

Very good. She sounds fine.

Have her report to the
Flip Wilson office in Burbank

tomorrow morning at 10.

I'll be there.

She'll be there.

Goodbye.

Oh, whoa, Flip Wilson.

Oh!

Scarlett O'Hara, you're the
prettiest girl in all the south,

or my name is Rhett Butler.

Oh, you handsome dog you.

This will make her forget about
Clark Gable, for a while, at least.

Let’s see. Oh, yes.

"The confederate
army is losing the w*r.

The entire city of
Atlanta is burning.

When this over,

I'm gonna build you the
biggest plantation in the south.

Now, what do you
think of that, Scarlett?"

That's divine, Rhett sugar.

How-how-how long have
you been standing there?

Ever since Atlanta
started burning.

First time in 10 years you've come
back early from your lunch hour

and it had to be the day.

What are you doing?

What's all this Gone
With The Wind dialogue?

Well, I've joined a little
theater group in Encino

and we're, putting on a capsule
version of Gone With The Wind.

Oh.

Naturally, I'm playing
the part of Rhett Butler.

How come? Are you
the only man in class?

If you must know, yeah.

Oh, were there any calls?

Oh yes.

Somebody called and wanted a
secretary and since we are busy,

I took the job myself.

What?

I'll pay the office a
commission and on top of that,

I will sacrifice my salary
for two whole days.

Oh!

I'll get it. I'll get it.

Carter's Unique
Employment Agency.

Yeah?

Yes, I'll tell her. Goodbye.

Was that for me?

Yes.

Flip Wilson wants you start
your sacrifice at 9 instead of 10.

Oh!

Oh.

What are you doing here?

I'm on my break.

Could I just speak to
you for a few moments?

Very well, come in.

Is there some
problem with your job?

Oh no, no, no.

I'm having a barrel of
fun answering fan mail

with those five other girls down
in that cramped little basement.

You don't like it?

It's just that it's different.

You see, I never worked in a place
before that didn't have windows.

You know, you can save a lot
of money if you can just teach

moles to type.

What did you want
to see me about?

Well, since I won't ever
get to work with Mr. Wilson,

could I just go in and meet
him and get his autograph?

Mrs. Carter, it is my job to
keep people away from him

so he can do his job.

And if you value your job,

I'd advise you not to impose
on Mr. Wilson at any time.

And speaking of
your job, Mrs. Carter...

Yeah, yeah. Oh, I'm going.

I'm going back to the dungeon.

Mr. Wilson's office.

Oh, yes, Mr. Rayfield, I'll take
it down to mimeo right away.

On guard!

Ah!

Oh please, I'm Lucy
Carter. I work for you.

I do your fan mail.

I just... I'm just here
to get an autograph.

Oh, then that's okay.

Oh my, you scared me.

Well, you had my heart
doing the funky chicken too.

Are you one of the
three musketeers?

Well, not one of
the Three Little Pigs.

How do you like this outfit?

Boy, those French
cats sure dress sharp.

Yeah.

One for all, and all for one.

Which musketeer are you?

Well, Rock Hudson is Athos,
Andy Williams is Porthos

and I'm what you might
call a token musketeer.

A-ha! Take that. Take that!

And that's for you, knave!

Got ya!

Boy, you're certainly
swashbuckling.

That's right, mommy.

You can't buckle a
swash any better than that.

What's a folly?

I don't know.

Oh well, whatever they were,
they sure got hit on and sassed a lot.

On a good day, a
musketeer could run through,

well say, 10 to 12 vaults.

Yeah, well those knaves were
hardly the toast of the town either.

Let me sign your autograph
book so you can get back to work.

Okay. Just say, "To Lucy."

Okay, I got to get
back to work too.

I got to run through
one of my monologues.

Oh really? Could I stay in here?

Could I just hear one
of your monologues?

I have three minutes.

Well, it's a five-minute routine.
I'll give you the short version.

Oh, wonderful!

You're the audience.
You just sit right here.

Oh, oh thank you.

- Now, see first,
is the big introduction.
- Yeah.

The master of ceremony says,

"And now, ladies and gentlemen,
the comedy star or our show,

Flip Wilson!"

And all the girls start yelling
and cheering, "Yea, Flip Wilson!

Yea!

Here he comes now. Flip Wilson."

- Then I come in.
- Yeah.

You're such a good audience.

I... I wish I had a better act.

What are you doing here?

This is my office, remember?

I meant her!

Oh, for a minute there, I
thought you were off your cookie!

They're ready for you
on the set, Mr. Wilson.

Oh, okay.

Nice to have met you, Lucy.

Nice to have met you, Mr. Wilson,
and thanks for your autograph.

My pleasure.

Mrs. Carter?

You are...

I know. I are fired.

Well, I'll go down the
dungeon to get my things.

I wonder where Uncle Harry is.

Are you sure he told
us to meet him here?

Yeah. He said we were all
going to have dinner together

and then go watch the
rehearsal of his play.

Mom, does Uncle Harry know that
you lost your job with Flip Wilson?

No, and let's keep
that our little secret.

If he finds out, I'll
never hear the end of it.

Welcome to Tara, Mr. Butler.

I do declare it's good
to see you again, Rhett.

You can forget about Tara.

The play has been called off.

Harry, are you crying?

Yes.

Uncle Harry, what happened?

Well, the woman who was
going to play Scarlett eloped

and then the girl who was
going to play Melanie quit

because the director didn't think
she was good enough to do Scarlett

and then the girl that was
going to do Prissy walked out

to march in a Civil
Rights parade.

Oh, Uncle Harry, there must be
somebody else who can play those parts.

That's all there
were in the group.

Only 4 people in
the whole group?

Well, we were
just getting started.

That's why we're all...

Oh, it's no use. I'm through.

I'm washed up.

I thought I was gonna
have my name in lights.

Then fate pulled out the plug.

Oh Harry, now,
it isn't that bad.

Maybe there's a way out.

Oh sure. Sure. Like what?

Well, if you're really
desperate, I can play Scarlett.

I'm not that desperate.

Well, just suit yourself, Harry

but I hate to see a great
talent like yours go to waste.

And I just love to wear
those gorgeous hoop skirts.

Oh, and Kim could play Melanie.

Hey, if I'm Melanie,
that means I'm pregnant.

Bite your tongue!

In the play,
mother, in the play.

Oh.

Now, both of you do pretty
good southern accents.

Yeah, but we still don't
have anyone to play Prissy.

Oh, that's right.

Wait a minute.

I know just the man.

A man to play Prissy?

Flip Wilson.

Flip Wilson?

Yes! You know, he does that
wonderful kooky girl character.

Yeah, well, yeah, but what does
that have to do with anything?

Well, tomorrow,
when you are at work,

ask him to do it
as a favor, you see.

Well, all he can do is say no.

Yeah, well, if all he's
gonna do is say no,

then there's no
point in asking him.

Yeah. You're right.

What am I talking about?

Why would a big
star like Flip Wilson

want to appear in our
little third rate production?

Just forget...
forget what I said.

Forget it. Forget it.

Where are you going?

I thought we were all
going out to dinner?

Dinner is off.

I may never eat again.

Oh, Harry, this is not the
end of the world, you know.

It is the end of the world!

If we're... we're on a lower
floor, I'd jump out the window!

- Oh, Harry.
- Oh, I can't help it.

I can't help it...

Gosh, mom, I've never
seen Uncle Harry that way.

Me either.

Well, there's just one
thing we'll have to do.

You've got to get Flip Wilson.

Oh, come on now! I have
been fired, remember?

I'm barred from the building.

I can't get by the secretary.

How am I gonna get Flip Wilson?

Mother, I have a
feeling you'll find a way.

Why, Mr. Wilson
what's the matter?

How do you like that?

Four days of rehearsing and
they cut the musketeers sketch

just when I was getting good.

They really must
have run out of vaults.

May I help you?

I want to talk to Flip about
the musketeer sketch.

But they just cut that sketch.

They did?

Oh yeah, yeah. That's what
I want to talk to him about.

It's very important.

Well, alright, go right in.

Thank you.

On guard!

Wait a minute,
we cut the sketch.

Which musketeer are you?

You're not Rock Hudson.

There's no way you could be me.

Sing something.

[Sings] Moon river.

You're definitely
not Andy Williams.

It's me, Lucy Carter.

I came to you the other
day for your autograph.

Oh yeah.

We vaulted and knaved around.

Why are you done up like that?

I had to wear this outfit
to get past the warden.

I got it.

You want another autograph

so you can trade two of
mine for one of Bill Cosby's.

No, I just want to ask
you a teensy favor.

Like what?

Well, I was wondering,
if you would play Prissy

in the Encino players production

of Gone with the
Wind this weekend.

I hope you never come around
here asking for a big favor.

Well, I guess it is sort of a big
teensy favor but will you do it?

Well,

considering all you've
gone through to ask,

nope.

Oh, but you'll be perfect!

The way you do that
Geraldine character,

which incidentally is the funniest
character I have ever seen.

Oh, there's no way you're
gonna jive me out to Encino.

Please, I have such a problem.

You see, my
brother-in-law, Harry,

was really counting
on being Rhett.

It was like a dream come true

and when it fell through,
he just went to pieces.

I've never seen him like
that. It was a pitiful sight.

Now, now.

Honestly, he wouldn't eat.

He went off into the
night a broken man.

Oh, come on, now.
Musketeers don't cry.

He'll probably give
up his business

and that means I'm
gonna lose my job.

You better watch out momma,
you're rusting your rapier.

I won't have the
money to pay the rent

and my children and I
will be put out on the street

and soon we'll be penniless,
hungry, ragged beggars.

That's the saddest
story I ever heard.

Then you understand?

I'm a sucker for a sob story.

Then you'll do it?

The Yankees are coming!
The Yankees are coming!

Oh, wonderful!

Wonderful!

Scarlett?

Scarlett?

Where are you?

Coming Rhett, honey.

Scarlett,

I bring you news of the w*r.

The South is winning, of course.

Yes, if you can call
burning Atlanta winning.

They're burning Atlanta?

They wouldn’t dare.

Well, that red glow in the
sky must be the sun setting,

in the east.

Scarlett!

Scarlett!

Scarlett, I think the baby's
coming sure enough.

Oh, lordsy.

You just go rest
a spell, Melanie.

I sent Prissy for the doctor
and she isn't back yet.

Oh, bless you, Scarlett.

Good day to you, Mr. Butler.

Good day to you, Miss Melanie.

Oh!

I declare, I think I'm
gonna have twins.

Scarlett, you've got
to get out of the city.

I can't. Melanie can't travel.

Oh, lordsy, this w*r is
beginnin' to get on my nerves.

What is keeping that Prissy?

The Yankees are coming!

The Yankees are coming!

Prissy, what about the doctor?

The Yankees are
coming, but the doctor ain't.

Why not?

I couldn't find him.

What took you so long?

Well, I stopped to talk to
a couple of soldier boys.

They were soul brothers.

Now, you know Miss Melanie is
gonna have her baby any minute.

How could you
waste time like that?

I wasn't wasting time.

I was making time.

Alright, I do declare, Prissy,

you should be
ashamed of yourself!

It's not my fault.

I can't help it if I'm a
Civil w*r sex symbol.

Whoo! Don't fight the feeling.

What those soldier boys told me

if he ever caught
me out at night,

he was gonna jump out of
the bushes and seize me.

And I told him I said, "Honey,
what you seize is what you get!"

Whoo!

Oh, fiddle-dee-dee, Prissy!

Is the doctor here yet?

No, no, not yet, Melanie.

The baby's gonna have to wait.

You hear that, Joe?

You're gonna have to wait.

Prissy, why didn't
you get that doctor?

Don't you touch me!

Just keep your hands off of me

because you're nothing
but a carpetbagger.

Scarlett, as soon as
Melanie is able to travel,

you've got to
get out of the city.

- All of you.
- Yes. Yes, Rhett.

Well, don't worry about me

because I got some
plans of my own.

Those two soldiers promised
to take me away with them.

Oh, Prissy, maybe we
can all escape together.

What do you mean we, jazz?

I ain't running away with you.

You're the one I'm
running away from!

Where is that doctor?

Miss Melanie, I'll see
if I can find a carriage.

Good day, Ladies.

Good day.

No, not you. Just waive.

Oh Rhett, Rhett dear, see if
you can bring us back some food.

We haven't had anything
to eat for three days.

I'll do my best.

- Goodbye ladies.
- Goodbye.

Oh, Scarlett.

Melanie, Melanie you
better get back to bed.

We'll find a doctor
somehow. Don't worry.

You hear that, Joe?

Y'all don't worry.

Prissy, now you know you're
not allowed to touch that.

Miss Scarlett, now that the North
has tromped all over the South,

does that mean
you're working for me?

Well, not exactly
Prissy, but you're free.

Free.

Free!

Whoa! Free. Free/

F-R-E, free.

That's F-R-E-E.

I'm the one who's free.

I'll spell it any way I want!

Scarlet, Scarlett,
the baby's comin!

Oh, Prissy, you're going to have
to bring the baby without the doctor.

Bring the baby where?

Prissy, you're going to
have to deliver the baby!

Who? Me?

Yes you!

You said you knew all about it.

I was just jiving
you, Miss Scarlett.

I don't know nothing
about birth and no babies.

Scarlett, hurry!

Oh, I'm sorry, Melanie.

But nobody out here knows
nothing about birthin' no babies.

Are you mocking me?

You can't go around mocking me!

I've been emancipated,

whatever that is.

I'll just have to bring
the baby myself.

Get me some hot water.

Get it yourself.

I'll take the whip to you but
we boiled it and ate it for dinner.

Just think, no more
lifting that barge,

no more toting that bail,

no more getting a little drunk.

Well, two out of
three ain't bad.

Is that a picture of
President Lincoln?

Well, it ain't Ray Charles.

Prissy, get your feet
off that coffee table.

No!

How dare you say no to me!

Let me tell you
something, honey.

We might have come
over on different ships

but we're in the same boat now.

Get your feet off the
coffee table, please.

That's better.

The baby's here!

I found a carriage.

The baby's here.

If it's not a baby
carriage, forget it.

Where's Miss Melanie?
We've all got to get out of here.

- Here I am, here I am.
- Come along, we found a carriage.

Oh, we have to go, Prissy.

But now, that you're free, I
hope we can always be friends.

I hope so too

because what you
free is what you get.

Now, what am I gonna
do with all this house?