04x02 - Lucy and the Mountain Climber

[bunniefuu]

[Announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-starring Gale Gordon

and Lucy Arnaz.

Mother, I'm pouring your bath.

Momsie, your foot bath is ready.

Bring your feet down!

Coming! Coming!

Okay.

Oh boy, are my feet k*lling me.

Awe.

Oh, course away your Uncle Harry
has been running me ragged at work.

It's no...

You know, I cannot understand why
he wants to redecorate the office now.

- You mean, he hasn't told you why?
- No.

Big mystery.

Big! Ahhhh!

Ahhhh!

- Ow!
- Oh.

Oh, I am sorry, mother!

Oh gosh!

Look at my feet they're poached.

Oh, I'm sorry, mom.

Lucille, it's me.

Oh, mother, that's
Uncle Harry now.

Why don't you just ask
him why he's redecorating.

Yeah, that's the only
way I'll ever find out.

Come in, Harry.

- Hi.
- Hello.

Hello, Kim dear.

Hello, Uncle Harry.

Lucille, I dropped by because
I thought you might be curious

as to why I'm
redecorating the office.

Oh, no Harry, the thought
never crossed my mind.

Oh, well it's because I
am taking on a partner.

A partner?

Oh fine.

I need another boss
like I need another head.

That you need.

Uncle Harry, what's
your new partner like?

Well, his name is Rudy Springer.

- He's a bright young businessman.
- Oh.

And he's also very athletic.

Now see, he does deep sea
diving, he skis, he climbs mountains.

- Climbs mountains?
- Mm-hmm.

Wow! He sounds terrific.

Well, he is. He is.

He's a handsome young
man too, and he's a bachelor.

Bingo!

What do you mean by that?

Just bingo.

Harry, tell me some more
about your Rudy Stinger.

- Springer.
- Well, whatever his name is.

Well, he's the most
efficient man I ever met.

He is also a fanatic
on health foods.

Oh, a nut.

I wouldn't talk about
him that way if I were you.

Why not?

- Because I told Rudy that he could
do the hiring around the office.
- Oh.

And the firing.

Uh-oh.

And I think I should warn you

that he feels we should surround
ourselves with young, energetic,

athletic types.

Harry, you didn't' tell your new
partner how old I am did you?

There isn't a human being
alive who knows how old you are.

So Lucille, if Mr. Springer
decides to fire you, you are fired.

But Harry, you wouldn't
let that happen, would you?

I mean, Harry I've worked hard.

I've never charged you overtime;

I've never reported
you to the union.

Reported me to the
union! Why should you?

You have always been
treated as if you were the most...

What is that water!

I have been soaking
my tired feet in it.

Judging from what
you do around the office,

- you should sit in it.
- Oh, Harry.

Springer-Carter Corporation,
Rudolf Springer Ill speaking.

Oh hello, Chuck!

Wait a minute buddy; I'll put
you on the speaker phone.

Am I coming through, Chuck?

Loud and clear.

Hold on a minute, fella.

Okay.

I love life and I want to live.

Nothing like the high notes to clear
the smog out of your lungs, fella.

You also cleared the
wax out of my ears.

Who's' your new partner?

His name is Carter.

He's a sweet
stodgy old character.

He wants me to
modernize the business.

Give the place a new image.

Hi, partner!

Call you back, Chuck.

A new image just walked in.

Well, HC, you've really
gone all the way, haven't you.

What do you think of it?

Pretty youthful, eh?

So youthful you couldn't go
into a bar without an ID card.

Well, you should see my shorts.

They're shocking pink with
blue birds and swallows.

I got 'em from
Liberace's tailor.

You rascal!

It's gonna be a ball
working with you.

Harry, about your secretary,

what time does she come in?

Oh, anytime between


Well, we can't have that
sort of thing around here.

What's her name?

Uh, Lucille Carter.

She's my sister-in-law.

Does that mean I've
got to keep her on?

Now Rudy, the hiring and firing,
as we agreed is your department.

Alright.

I'm perfectly willing to give
her a fair trial on the basis of

ability, intelligence
and efficiency.

I'm going to miss her.

Now, here's some new ideas
for our advertising campaign.

What do you think of them?

Oh, I, I think the...

I think the swallows just
flew back to Capistrano.

Better get back to the tailor.

I love life and I want to live.

To drink of life glory.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, huh, well, hi there.

You must be my new boss.

Yes.

I'm Rudolf Springer Ill.

Oh, well I'm Lucille
Carter the first.

Mrs. Carter, you look like a
one-woman Olympic team.

Oh, well I believe that everybody
should keep physically fit

and very active.

After work I thought I'd take
a run up to the snow country.

That's a water ski.

Oh, right, right, yes.

If the snow suddenly melts,
I just keep right on going.

Mrs. Carter, I was checking
over our personnel files.

I find that you're an
experienced typist,

you take short hand,

two and a half weeks
of business college.

There's no mention of your age.

Oh, well imagine that.

Well, I'm 29.

Come on now Mrs.
Carter, you can't be 29.

You're right.

But I will be on
my next birthday.

Twenty-nine,

- that means you were born in...
- Jamestown, New York.

Mr. uh, uh.

Springer.

Oh yeah, Mr. Springer,

um, I believe a person is
as young as he or she feels.

I quite agree.

Yes, and now you act young and
yet I do see you have some grey hair.

Ah, true.

I do have a few grey hairs
but they're organically grown.

Oh, I see.

Well, I better get to work.

Mrs. Carter, I'll
level with you.

As a new partner, my plan is to
make some changes in personnel.

Get rid of the dead wood.

You mean you're
going to let Harry go?

Harry is my partner.

Oh.

Well, that kind of
narrows it down doesn't it?

I'm afraid it does.

Uh, Mr. Springer, I'm gonna
level with you about my age.

I hate to admit it but I'm 30.

Thirty?

Yes, thirty!

Hi, mother.

Uh, meet Kim my


Six-year-old?

Be quiet and wipe the
Pablum off your chin.

Very, very nice
to meet you, Kim.

Oh, ha, it's awfully
nice to meet you!

Mrs. Carter, I have some
business to attend to.

I've got to go down to
the health food store,

pick up some alfalfa
sprouts, some brown rice,

and I've gotta check on my gear for
the mountain climbing contest, Sunday.

Very, very lovely
to meet you, Kim.

Oh yeah, thank you.

I love life and I wanna live.

Boy your Uncle Harry
sure pick cuckoos.

Oh, I thought he
was very charming.

Charming?

He's going to fire me.

- Oh, no!
- Oh, yes!

Well, you just have to get
Uncle Harry to talk him out of it.

Uncle Harry is the one who
gave him the power to hire and fire.

Oh, well, mom, why don't you
invite Uncle Harry over for dinner.

You know, give him the blood
is thicker than water routine.

Remind him how loyal you've been
and that he has to be loyal to you too.

Yeah,

- yeah, that's a good idea.
- Yeah.

And I'll serve him fruit punch.

Fruit punch will make him loyal?

Fruit punch can turn
a tiger into a pussycat

especially when you've
got a quart of vodka in it.

Well, I must say, they seem
to enjoy their dinner, huh.

Yeah but I wonder why
Uncle Harry invited Rudy along.

Oh, because your Uncle
Harry is such a generous man;

especially when
the meal is free.

Well, that figures.

Hey Mom, how come you just happen to
have all those health foods ready for Rudy?

What health foods?

The yogurt was sour cream.

The brown rice was
white until I dipped it in tea

and the alfalfa sprouts
was boiled crab grass.

Oh no!

Well, Rudy certainly
seemed to enjoy eating.

He loved it.

Hey Mom, do you think you put
enough vodka into the fruit punch?

- I love life.
- And I love it too.

Well, I guess that
answers my question.

Yeah.

I just hope they don't pass
out before I talk to them into

- letting me keep my job.
- Oh.

Here we go Rudy,
here we go Rudy.

- Hey, you know what this proves?
- What?

Proves you can lead a horse to
water and you can make him drink.

Well Harry, you're the
best partner a man ever had.

You're a pretty good horse too.

You're sweet.

Lucille.

Yes, Harry?

You make the best pruit funch.

Punch fruit?

Yeah, yeah, well
thank you Harry,

and look, as long
as we're all here,

why don't we have
a little business chat?

It's show time!

What? What'll we give 'em?

Let's give them a
little Follies Bergère.

Oh, that's good!

Ta ra ra, boom te ye, taaranrna
boom te ye, tatrara booteyyee.

Tara ra boom ti ye,
tara ra boom ti ye,

tara ra boom ti ye,
tara ra boom ti ye...

Oh my!

Oh wow.

About that little business chat.

Uh, you know Mr. Springer,

I have worked for
Harry for so many years

and we've gotten
along beautifully

- and we've been very successful.
- Harry, Harry.

- What?
- Harry, I envy you.

Oh?

You have the most
sensational niece.

And sister-in-law, a
very efficient sister-in-law.

You know Rudy, you are so right.

I'm so happy to be
together with my little family.

Kim, you are so beautiful,

and you...

We'll, you're not much
but you're all I've got.

I don't ever want
you to forget me.

Oh! Now, now Uncle Harry,
we'll always be with you.

That's right, Harry,

and no matter what changes
you make at the office,

you will always keep me
because blood is thicker than water.

Right?

Wrong.

Money is thicker than blood.

I'll drink to that.

Yeah.

Oh, I need a little drink.

I forgot my cup.

Harry, I got to go home.

I gotta rest up for the
mountain climbing contest.

Kim, you're beautiful.

Well, thank you.

Isn't entered in that mountain
climbing contest on Sunday.

You're mother can
climb a contest?

Certainly.

I hope Harry didn't give you
the idea I was an old fuddy duddy.

I never said you
fuddied your duddy.

Because Mr. Springer, if
mother was entered in the contest,

she'd easily beat
you to the top.

That's' ridiculous!

What is so ridiculous
about me beating you?

'Cause I'm an expert,

and you're beautiful

and you don't know anything
about clotting miming.

I'd give you 2 hours head stop,

I'd still get to
the start first.

Well look, supposing
I get to the top first,

would you let me keep my job?

- Yes!
- No!

It's a deal!

Lucille.

Look, if you're going
to climb that mountain,

I better go along with you
because you might have askident.

You might have an angsz-

I'd go along so I could
notify the next of Kim.

Next of Kim.

Hey, hey, I made a funny.

I get the next of Kim.

Well, that's Kim.

I know that's Kim.

Kim, you're beautiful.

Oh!

Oh, the beautiful girl
fell off the mountain.

Thank you.

You really want to
climb that mountain?

Yes, I am gonna
climb that mountain.

If you will all excuse me.

I'd better go home and
sleep off that foot frunch.

- Harry.
- What?

- Harry.
- What?

I gotta go home.

Why didn't I think of that?

Look fellas, maybe I
better drive you home.

We you refuse to be
driven from this house.

Well folks, there's still no
sign of our only lady climber.

Mrs. Carter, wherever you are,

you certainly are a
brave fearless little lady.

Alright Harry, give
me a hand will you?

I can't!

I'm using both my hands.

I'm praying.

Alright Harry, come
on, give me a hand!

Just a minute, just a minute.

Oh Harry, your hands are cold!

That's not my hand.

Come on, upsy
daisy, come on. Push.

Oh!

Oh!

Uh, okay, alright
come on up, Harry.

Alright, alright, alright.

Alright I got it.

Other hand, attaboy, alright.

Okay.

Come on, come on, Harry.

Alright.

I'll give you some help.

Watch it!

I had to help you.

Oh yeah, great help.

Oh, I must have been out of my
mind to come up here with you.

Yeah, I bet you thought I'd
give up long before now, huh.

You'll find I'm
made of sterner stuff!

Oh, how high did
you say we are now?

At least 8,000 feet.

Ah! Ah!

Ah! No!

You shouldn't never have
told me how high up we are.

You asked me!

A gentleman would've lied!

A gentleman wouldn't
be here with you!

Only a shnuck like me would!

I love life and I want to live.

Here comes Tiny Tim.

I never thought you
two would get this far

even with the
two-hour head start.

Well, we would've been farther
but Harry had to stop and rest

so, me, I could keep
on climbing all day.

Well, excuse me folks
but I've got a contest to win.

So long, sports.

Alright, alright
Lucille, let's face it.

You can't win.

Now why don't we quit?

Not me.

I'm gonna beat
superman to the top.

Okay, okay, you
go ahead to the top.

I'm going down to the bottom.

- Oh, you've gotta be kidding me.
- Oh, I'm not.

You're not chickening out on me!

Yes, I am!

If you're silly enough to
stay here you stay here.

I'm... Uhh!

- Alright, Harry, - What?

In case I don't' make it; I'd like
to leave a message to the world.

Oh, alright. What's the message?

Just say she was too old
to work but too young to die.

What does that mean?

I don't know, but Walter
Cronkite will do 20 minutes on it.

So long, sport!

Well now, if I would just...

Oh no!

Ah!

I never...

Harry? Harry?

Ah!

Hoo hoo!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I
didn't mean to wake you up.

I didn't know you were sleeping,

go back to your
cave and go to sleep.

Go hyphenate! Hyphenate!

Goodbye! And goodnight!

Ah, ha!

- Oh Mom, we're so proud of you.
- Oh, Lucille!

- You did it, you did it!
- Oh, congratulations!

I knew you could do it.

- Oh, you did, huh?
- Yeah.

- Mrs. Carter, congratulations.
- Thank you.

You climbed this
mountain like a champion.

Thank you, thank you.

Would you mind stepping up on
top so I could take another picture?

Okay.

Oh gosh.

Here we are.

Oh well, we got a
runner up, Rudy Springer!

Mrs. Carter, how'd
you possibly go so fast?

Well, you'd go fast
too with a bear behind.

I mean, a bear in back of you.

You mean, you were chased
up a mountain by a bear?

That's right.

Well, in that case I win the
trophy. You're disqualified.

What do you mean
I'm disqualified?

According to the rules
of mountain climbing,

no contestant shall receive
any outside stimulus of any kind.

What do you mean
outside stimulus?

A bear chased me
up the mountain.

Oh picky, picky, picky!

You violated the rule
and this belongs to me.

Come on, you
cheated, you cheated.

Alright, if it means so
much to you, take it.

Ah!

I love life...

Thank goodness he's alright.

And I want to live.

Well, go someplace
else to live you health nut.

Oh, I've had his alfalfa
sprouts up to here.

Harry, Harry, does that
mean that I get to keep my job?

It certainly does.

Oh! Thank you!

Oh Mom, it's too bad you didn't
get to keep your trophy though.

Oh, it was just a piece of junk.

Junk?

That trophy was solid silver
worth at least 500 dollars.

Five hundred dollars?

Oh! Oh!

Harry!