04x05 - Lucy and the Astronauts

[bunniefuu]

[Announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-staring Gale Gordon

and Lucy Arnaz.

Ladies and gentleman,

all of our lunar journeys
have been well publicized

except certain details of one.

A moon shot which is referred to
in the secret files of our government

as Operation Redhead.

It all began when an
excited California housewife

was watching the
moonwalk on television,

her eyes glued to the set.

Easy fella.

Don't fall into
that moon crater.

You'll get hurt. You're a
long way from a drug store.

Hey Mom, how about something
to drink like a lemonade?

Okay, Kim.

This picture clearly shows
the uneven surface of the moon.

Yeah.

Now, careful fellows.

Don't trip over that big rock.

Easy does it.

Look out!

There's a shadow
near that big rock,

it could be some
kind of moon monster.

- Mom.
- Ahh!

You finally did it, drove
your mother of her rocker.

We now conclude this
portion of our moon walk.

- Oh dear.
- Oh boy.

I think those astronauts are the
most courageous men that ever lived.

So do I.

Come in!

Well, Harry.

Hello, Uncle Harry.

Well, what do you think?

They're drafting
veterans from World w*r I.

Why didn't I drive
right past this house.

Okay Harry, why are you
wearing your naval reserve outfit?

It so happens that I will
be aboard the recovery ship

when they pick up the
astronauts next Friday.

- Oh no!
- Oh, Uncle Harry!

I don't believe it! How
did you ever wangle that?

Well, I was a naval photographer
during the w*r with Japan.

Really? On whose side?

Down Tokyo Rose.

Oh, Uncle Harry,
I'm so proud of you.

So am I, Harry.

Hey Uncle Harry, does that
mean you'll be taking all the pictures

of the splashdown?

Well, a great many of them.

I have all my equipment,


Of course, I'll be
juggling them like crazy.

Now listen Harry,
Harry, no problem.

I'll just hand you the
cameras one at a time.

Oh well, that's fine, one
at a time's the way to do it.

Yes, you take one
and I'll put one...

Oh, no you won't!

Harry please!

Oh Harry, it'll be the most exciting
that ever happened in my whole life!

- Please take me with you.
- No way!

- Please, Harry!
- Never in a thousand years.

- Listen Harry,
I beg of you, please!
- No indeed!

Please.

No.

That was the beginning
of Operation Redhead,

and if the astronauts knew
what was in store for them,

they never would
have left the moon.

Looks like we're gonna have
a perfect splashdown, Admiral.

Yes.

Any closer they'll
land on my poop deck.

Give us room. Let the
photographer through.

Excuse me. Pardon me.

Let the photographer
through please.

Pardon me, Captain.

I am an Admiral, ma'am.

Oh well, good for
you, sir. Good for you.

Here, could you
hold that, please.

Now, take the picture,
Harry. Hurry up.

- Hurry up.
- Alright, alright, alright.

Yea!

I got it! I got it!

Good boy!

The astronauts are now
aboard the recovery ship,

on their way to the isolation
chamber on the lower deck.

Gentleman!

The astronauts will
be here in 30 seconds.

Yea!

Everybody please stand back.

We must have a clear path
to the isolation chamber.

Now everybody stand back.

Let us through please.

Let us through please,
we're photographers.

Photographer
coming through please.

Oh, right here, Harry.

Right down there. You
get one right up the door.

Here, here lady!
You can't do that.

You can't stand there.

The astronauts will
be here any second.

Well, stand back,
every stand back.

Stand back
everybody, stand back.

Stand back. Stand back, Captain.

I am the Admiral.

Oh, that's right, would
you hold this please?

Dr. Jameson, open the door
to the global facility please.

Yeah, open the door, doctor.

Open the door, hurry up!

Harry, get up here.

Get right in here and get
a good straight on picture.

- Ahh!
- Yea!

America's hero's!

Oh, don't they look beautiful!

No no, no! Don't touch them.

Don't touch them.

k*ll those TV cameras.

Get this camera out of here.

Welcome home!

Those kisses are for all
the women in America.

Doctor.

Doctor, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

There is no other choice.

Lady!

You are adorable.

Lady!

- Lady, listen to me!
- What do you want?

You have to be isolated!

Isolated? Why?

You touched them! You
may be contaminated!

Well, so what!

Whatever they've
got, it's an honor to get.

Lady, you will be in
quarantine for 3 weeks!

Three weeks!

Oh no.

I'd go crazy being in a room
all by myself for 3 weeks.

You won't be alone. You'll be
locked up with our astronauts.

Oh well, I didn't know that.

Well, if it's for my country,
I'll make the sacrifice.

Come along, boys.

Hurry up.

Bye-bye!

- Oh, Harry!
- Bye-bye.

No no, no!

Now he's contaminated!

Lock him up too, doctor.

Come along.

Oh no! No, please!

Put me in the brig.

Send me to Devil's Island.

Make me walk the plank.

Feed me to the sharks!

But don't lock me up with her!

Operation Redhead was
now one hour under way,

and the astronauts
were soon to discover,

instead of a moon bug,

they had picked up a
ladybug named Lucy.

Mrs. Carter when do you plan
to come out of the bathroom?

Just as soon as
I finish my hair.

Mr. Carter, your sister-in-law
now, she's upsetting the schedule.

Is there any way you
can get her out of there?

Indeed there is.

Why this is a great honor having
you aboard Steve McQueen.

Where?

Where's Steve McQueen?

Where?

That was a dirty trick, Harry!

Well somebody had to do
something to get you out of there.

Oh really.

What in the world is this?

That's my panty hose.
Hang it up so it'll get dry.

- Mrs. Carter!
- Yes, doctor?

Because of you, the medical
debriefing is way behind schedule.

Now I have dozens
of tests to make.

The president is going to phone
the astronauts to congratulate...

Oh, that reminds me! I
gotta call my daughter.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Gee, thanks for reminding me.

Ship to shore operator, please
get me 555-8231, area code 213.

You can't tie up the phone!

I just told you the
president is going to call!

This is very important.
Now, I'll only be a second.

Kim baby!

Mom, what happened?
Where are you?

They suddenly stopped
the telecast and I got worried.

Well, it's a long story darling,

but I'm locked up with
the astronauts for 3 weeks.

Three weeks with the astronauts!

Oh mom, that's wonderful!

Yeah, it beats playing
basketball at the YWCA.

Oh, it's the President.
He's trying to get on the line!

It's the President,
honey. I gotta get off.

Okay, mom. Well, don't
you worry about me.

I'm going out with
Willie Heller tonight.

Willie The Grabber?
Over my dead body!

If you don't get off
that phone it will be!

Kim, if you go out with Willie,
make sure you double date,

and don't wear your hot pants,

and listen... Hello? Hello?

Oh darn it, we were cut off.

Oh good, she called back.

Look honey, I can't talk
to you now because...

What?

You're the President?
What president?

Oh!

Oh, that President.

Oh, it's an honor, sir.

Oh. Who am I?

Well, I'm Lucille
Carter, a woman.

No sir, no no.

They didn't bring me
back from the moon.

I am an earthling.

She's a ding-a-ling!

Give me that phone!

Please.

Do you realize that you're interrupting
the President of the United States?

He can have you demoted
from doctor to nurse.

Yes?

Oh yes, Mr. President,
the astronauts are here too.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Yes, but before I put
them on the phone,

Sir, could I ask you
a personal question?

Well you see, I
have a daughter and

well, Mr. President, do you allow
your daughters to wear hot pants?

Lucille!

The President
is waiting to talk!

He's, he would...

Hello, Mr. President? My
name is Harrison Carter, sir.

I run an employment agency.

I know you have
a good job now but

there may come a time when
you could use my services.

Oh, give me that phone!

Here! Here! Here! Go on.

Astronaut Dunlap, sir.

Yes, sir. We're inside
the quarantine facility.

No sir, it's not a
wild office party.

The woman?

Uh, well, Captain
Perry better explain that.

Captain Perry here, sir.

Thank you, sir.

It was a smooth flight.

The woman?

Oh no, sir. She's not part
of our recovery program.

Oh no, sir. We didn't
smuggle any woman on board

when we took off for the moon,

but thanks for the idea in
case we ever go up again.

Sir, maybe our flight
commander ought to explain.

Colonel Matthews here, sir.

Thank you, sir. The flight
was normal and unevent...

Uh, the woman?

Uh, well what happened was uh,

well she hugged us and kissed us

and now she's with
us in quarantine.

Oh, no, sir.

The man from the employment
agency didn't kiss us.

I'll tell you all about it though
at the White House dinner.

That is if we still
have one coming.

Thank you, sir.

Goodbye, Mr. President.

Oh, isn't that exciting!

Oh, I'm so glad you boys
got to talk to the President.

You deserve it.

You know, to me you are
a combination of Columbus,

Magellan and John Wayne.

Thank you!

Oh, I've got to get
on with this report.

Now where are they?

Well, Columbus and Magellan
and John Wane are indisposed.

Come on, just cool it, doc.

We got 3 whole weeks.

Space Agency is
waiting for my report.

Now I cannot waste
any more time.

Come out of there, fellows.

Dunlap, I'll take you first.

You don't' have to
worry about me, doc.

I'm in great shape.

I was just flying around.

These guys did all
the work on the moon.

- Sit down.
- Right.

Boy, what a tough
break, Major Dunlap.

I sure feel sorry for you.

Why?

Making that long
trip to the moon

and then having to wait for them
like a gangster in a getaway car.

Oh.

Well, I didn't mind.

I mean, somebody
had to pick the guys up.

Yeah, I know I know,

but I'll bet that you're
worried that school

kids will memorize the
names of your buddies

because they got
to walk on the moon,

but not one school kid will remember
that you're the man who carried them home.

Like everyone knows Paul Revere,

but who remembers the
name of Paul Revere's horse?

His horse's name was Irving.

Well, only you would know that.

We'll remember him.

Irving the astronaut!

Cut it out fellows. Nobody
likes a smart astronaut.

Please Mrs. Carter, will you not
upset the men while I'm examining them!

I'm sorry, doctor.

Well, maybe next time they'll
fly around and let you go down,

plant the flag and start
your own rock collection.

So cheer up, major.

Oh, this is impossible.

We'll continue the
examination tomorrow morning!

But right now,
let's all hit the sack!

- Well, let's.
- Good idea!

I haven't had a
shut eye in 18 hours.

I'm bushed!

Oh, h* hold it! Hold it!

Hold it.

Doctor, we have a
little problem here.

You see they're men
and I'm a woman.

As a man, I noticed that.

Fellows will you bring in
those 2 folding beds out there?

Now Mrs. Carter, your quarters
will be on this side of the room.

Thank you, doctor. Thank you.

Who they make these pajamas
for, the jolly green giants?

Well, I'm sorry. We were
not expecting company.

Its' alright.

Now fellows, let's all
get a good night sleep.

I'll be examining
you all day tomorrow.

Alright. Good night, doc.

Good night.

Boys, you know something,
even if you do have moon bugs,

it would be an
honor and a privilege

to catch them from
you, I'll tell you that.

Thank you.

- Lucille, be quiet.
- What?

Okay.

What's so funny, Mrs. Carter?

Oh, I was just thinking!

With practically no
gravity on the moon,

men wouldn't need belts
to keep their pants up.

Mrs. Carter, please!

These men are
desperate for sleep.

Alright, I'm sorry.

Good night, doctor.

Good night.

Good night, Harry.

Good night, Lucille.

Good night, Commander Matthews.

Good night.

Good night, Captain Perry.

Good night.

Good night, Major Dunlap.

Good night.

Too bad you didn't get
to walk on the moon.

Lucille, will you be quiet?

Okay.

I'll be quiet.

I hope so.

I hope so too.

Is this going to
go on all night?

No.

Good night, doctor.

Good night, good night.

You know, it's a coincidence.

All my favorite songs
are moon songs.

Moon River, Moon over Miami,
Harvest Moon, oh I love that.

I love Harvest Moon.

[Sings] Shine on
shine on harvest moon.

Up in the sky.

High and...

January, February, June or July.

Snow time ain't no time to stay,

outdoors and spoon,

so shine on, shine
on harvest moon.

For me and my gal.

For me and my gal.

We never had this
trouble with Neil Armstrong.

Wee! Not bad, huh!

Oh please! Let's
all go to sleep!

Okay, let's go to bed.

That was fun, fellows.

It was fun.

Good night, doctor.

Good night.

Good night, Harry.

Now don't start that again!

Uh-oh.

Someone's catching cold.

Paul Revere's horse.

Why is it me!

Why is it me that
couldn't walk on the moon!

Shh.

- I had to drive a getaway car.
- Shh.

- Paul Revere's horse.
- Shh.

Go to sleep.

Okay boys,



lift off!

Okay boys, you're in orbit.

That's all of that
for now, fellas.

That was the World Series!

So what?

You see one ball game,
you'd seen them all.

Now fellows, to
help us pass the time,

I've drawn up this
schedule of fun things to do.

That was fun.

Yeah, I know but this-

Saved by the bell!

Hello.

Oh, go ahead Houston.
This is Dr. Jameson.

Oh, well you're so right,
the fellows will be delighted!

Well, thank you.

Men, I have good news.

Houston has just
lifted the quarantine.

You can all go home!

Hey!

Yea!

Oh, Harry!

What's the matter?
What's the matter?

Oh, that hurt. My
neck, my neck, that hurt.

What?

Oh my!

- Your neck?
- Oh.

Let me see.

Oh! Oh, that hurt doctor.

That really hurt. Oh!

Oh no.

What's' the matter? What
do you mean "oh no"?

You've got the mumps!

Mumps? That's a kid's disease!

She's got it and
she's certainly no kid!

Watch that.

Hey aren't mumps contagious?

You can bet your space module
and we're all back in quarantine.

Oh, how awful.

We'll have to stay
here a few more weeks.

I won't.

I've already had the mumps.

Well fellows,

if you can survive
the next few weeks,

the whole world will say,

"This was their finest hour."

Well, what about you boys?
Have you had the mumps?

Nope.

No.

How about you, doc?

I'm a loser too.

[Sings] Shine on,
shine on harvest moon.

Up in the sky.

I ain’t had no loving since.

January, February, June or July.

Snow time ain't no time
to stay outdoors and spoon.

So shine on, shine
on harvest moon.

For me and my gal.

Snow time, ain't no time
to stay outdoors and spoon,

so shine on, shine
on harvest moon,

for me and my gal.

For me and my gal.

And so, this was
Operation Redhead.

The moon's life story that's
never been told because

who, would believe it.