04x06 - Lucy Makes a Few Extra Dollars

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-starring Gale Gordon

and Lucy Arnaz.

Ow!

Yuck.

Carter's Unique Employment
Agency. Oh hi, Kim!

Hey, I'm glad you called.

You can be the first
to hear the good news.

I just hung your uncle Harry.

Ha ha!

That's right, the
picture of him.

Yeah, I picked it
up this morning.

Cost me 20 bucks.

I know 20 dollars is a lot.

Well actually, the
picture only cost 5;

I had to pay another 15 to
have a smile painted on his face.

Well, if it gets me the raise
it'll be a good investment, right?

Okay, see you later.

Good morning, Lucille.

Harry, good morning.

Is that all you're going to say?

What did you expect me to do?

Deliver Lincoln's
Gettysburg Address

simply because you're
on time for a change.

Harry, you forgot.

Forgot what?

Happy anniversary.

What anniversary?

This is the anniversary of the
founding of a unique enterprise

by a kind generous man
of great foresight and vision.

Who are you talking about?

Oh me!

Oh, that is a pleasant surprise.

Oh, it certainly brightens
up the office, doesn't it?

Of course that picture makes me
look much older than I really am.

Oh, that's because
it's an old picture.

It was taken about 10 years ago.

That sounds logical.

Stupid but it sounds logical.

Ah, ha, ha, ha. You
dashing devil you.

Ah, when you took
up a business career

the movies certainly
suffered a terrible loss.

But do you really
like the picture, Harry?

Well of course...

- That depends.
- On what?

- Who paid for it?
- I did.

I like it.

I'm glad you have
money to spare.

I certainly don't.

Oh Harry, speaking of money.

Exactly, exactly we have
to watch every penny.

I was going over
the books last night.

We have come to the point where
we must exercise drastic measures.

Well yeah, speaking
of drastic measures.

Uh uh, hold it,
hold it, hold it.

That lamp shouldn't be on.

"When not in us
turn off the juice."

Oh, Harry!

A penny saved is a penny earned.

Speaking of pennies, Harry.

Yes, now that reminds me,

the way things are today, there
will be no more throwing away pencils

that are only slightly used.

- Well, I don't think that
I... That is your problem,

you don't think.

I do.

I have been observing
you for weeks

and these are still useable.

Oh, Harry.

These stubs are so short it
would be absolutely impossible to-

"When pencils get
short don't fret and pout,

just do your work
and get the lead out."

"Stop shirking, start working."

What's with you and
all these slogans, Harry?

Lucille, I'm going downstairs
to get some breakfast,

and while I'm gone I expect you
to clean out the waste baskets,

put a new blotter on my desk,

polish my name plate

and have that report over
there ready for my signature.

Would you like me to spray
some soapsuds on my eyelashes

and wash your windows?

I will be back in seven minutes.

How come you only take
seven minutes for your breakfast?

I'm so broke, I can
only afford tea and toast.

Oh, Harry, I've got
a slogan for you.

What?

I'm sorry you're broke
but I hope you choke.

Get to work!

- Hi!
- Ahhh!

Oh!

Oh, it's you. I
thought it was him.

Oh boy, is he in a mood today!

Well, I take it you
didn't get the raise.

Oh, you take it right, girl.

You mean that picture didn't
soften him up even a little?

Not the slightest.

All he did was complain
about hard times,

kept handing me slogans.

Slogans?

Yeah, like, "Don't fret
and pout, get the lead out."

What?

Well, I don't know
something like that.

Well Mom, maybe
you just better give up.

Never!

Our family has slogans too.

Don't give up the ship until
you see the whites of their eyes,

and just remember Kim,

there's more than no
way to gather no moss.

Well, plan A didn't work but I
guarantee you the plan B will.

Well, what's plan B?

I don't know. I haven't
figured it out yet.

All I want is a teensy
weensy little raise

and he stands there moaning
about how bad business is

and how desperate everything is.

They have to take desperate...

Desperate measures.

Your uncle Harry wants
desperate measures.

We'll, give him
desperate measures.

Mom, what are you talking about?

Plan B.

Now Kim, with your help, I'm gonna
shame him into giving me that raise.

Now come here. Come here.

Oh, I know just what-

- Uh...
- Yeah.

You know, Lucille, it's awfully nice
of you to invite me to lunch today.

Well, now this is national
Take A Boss To Lunch Day.

I didn't know that.

Yes, indeed.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Even so, it is a little embarrassing
having a woman pay for my lunch.

It makes me feel like a gigolo.

Well Harry, would you feel
better if you'd pay the check?

Just to gigolo and
everybody knows-

You know you brought me
to my favorite restaurant too.

Yes, I know.

- Yeah, I eat here every day.
- Uh-hum.

I have the same
waitress everyday too.

Her name's Charlotte.

Oh, she gives excellent service.

- Does she really?
- Yes.

I wonder where she is.

Well, let's find out. Oh, miss.

Oh, good heavens it's Kim!

Kim, what are you
doing here, dear?

Yes, what are you doing here?

Well, Uncle Harry, I'm working.

I'm trying to help
Mother make ends meet.

Oh, Kim.

You shouldn't do
this just to help me.

Well, I'm sorry Mother
but I must do my share.

It just breaks my heart to see
you skip your dinner every night.

Oh, honey.

Stop exaggerating.

I only go hungry 5
or 6 nights a week.

Don't make a
big thing out of it.

Now look, I don't like you working
while you're going to college.

Well Mother, I don't mind and
besides, they pay me 40 cents an hour.

Now Kim, this has got to stop.

This is disgraceful!

It's outrageous!

They should pay you
at least 50 cents an hour.

Well, Uncle Harry, I could
make 10 dollars an hour

as the waitress
in another place.

Ten dollars an
hour as a waitress?

Why didn't you take the job?

I didn't wanna work topless.

Oh!

Of course not!

Oh, my goodness!

You could catch
your death of cold.

Look, Harry, if I can make
enough money for both of us

she wouldn't
have to work at all.

It's very rough
on the young girl.

Hard work never hurt anybody.

Why when I was 6 years old,
I was delivering newspapers

and believe me those papers
felt as if they weighed a ton.

Well no wonder, in those
days they were printed on stone.

Kim, I'll have a hamburger
and some iced tea please.

Okay and Charlotte told me
what you always order uncle Harry,

so I'll have it
all ready for you.

Oh, thank you.

Here's your salad, Uncle Harry.

Oh!

Uh, oh my goodness!

Oh, my goodness!

Dear! Dear!

Oh, isn't that awful.

Oh, my goodness!

Uncle Harry, I'm terribly
sorry. I'll get you another salad.

Never never, never
mind another salad.

- Just get me some iced tea please.
- Okay.

Oh, this is just awful.

Oh, poor Kim.

Poor Kim? What about me?

I'm the one... Will
you sit down please?

- I can do this myself.
- Oh, heavens!

Yuck.

Here.

Oh, dear.

Here's your tea, Harry.
This will make you feel better.

Yeah, there's nothing like
a nice cold glass of iced tea

to calm your nerves.

What time is it, darling?

Oh, it's...

Oh!

Oh!

Oh.

That is iced tea.

I'm terribly sorry, Uncle Harry.

I promise I'll never
ever let it happen again.

Again?

You mean, you're going
to be my regular waitress?

What happened to Charlotte?

She quit.

She quit?

Yeah, but Kim doesn't
have to be your waitress.

It's entirely up to you, Harry.

That's right.

It is up to me.

So, from now on-

Yes?

I'm going to eat somewhere else.

That was plan B, huh?

Well there's always plan C.

I was afraid of that.

There's been a
lot of people here

and then we'll pull the chairs
up so it'll look like the girls

have been having lunch, see.

Oh, alright.

Now, is that good and messy?

Oh, that's good
and messy alright.

- Alright. Now remember our attitude.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Just keep cool.
- Keep cool.

- Harry ought to be here any minute.
- Alright.

What!

Oh.

What is this? This
looks like the city dump!

What are you doing?

Now, I'm on my own time, Harry.

All us secretaries always
have lunch together every day.

We make a little money
selling them soft drinks

and we got an extra 10th of a
cent for every empty can we collect.

Yes, and we've been
collecting cans all week.

Collecting empty cans! Of
all the stupid things to do!

Well, every penny counts, Harry.

I'm just a mother trying
to protect her brood.

Well you and your
brood clean up this mess

and then maybe we
can get some work done.

Alright, alright,
Harry. Just relax.

Now go hang up your hat.

Go on, we'll clean it up.

Well, a girl has
to make a living.

Oh, wow! Look at this.

Come on, hurry up.

- Oh, boy!
- Oh, wow!

Thank you so much for bringing
me to the carnival, Uncle Harry.

Thank you for asking
me to take you, Kim.

- I love carnivals.
- Oh, me too.

Yeah, they make me feel
like an irresponsible kid again.

Speaking of irresponsible,
where is your mother today?

Well, I don't know.

She's got a moonlighting
job of some kind

but she wouldn't
tell me what it is.

Moonlighting?

You mean, there's some other
poor schnook who will give her job?

Uncle Harry, she's just
trying to make ends meet.

Oh, I suppose.

Would you like some popcorn?

Oh, I'd love it! I'd love it!

Yeah, hold that.

Oh yeah, you've
got a lot of stuff there.

Here we are.

- There you are, dear.
- Woo, thank you, Uncle Harry.

Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!

Right this way folks! Hurry!

Step right up and lay
your money on the line.

It's the laugh a minute.

Hurray! Hurray!
Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!

Lucille?

Mother!

Alright folks, 4
ba*ls for a quarter.

Limber up the old pitching arm.

Let me see you hit the
bulls eye and dunk the dame.

Let me see you drop the
dimple darling in the drink.

Bounce the broad off the ball.

How could your
mother stoop so low!

Well Uncle Harry, I hear
this job pays very well.

These girls get 30 cents
on each dollar they bring in.

Kim believe me,

I didn't know that your
mother was this desperate.

If she needs money this badly

then I certainly intend
to do something about it.

Oh, thank you, Uncle Harry!

Here's 5 dollars. Give
me a big bucket of ba*ls.

Oh no!

- Okay, let it go!
- Uncle Harry!

Watch the guy bounce
the broad off the ball.

Uncle Harry, no!

Ah!

Uncle Harry!

Oh! Oh!

Come on, watch the guy
throw the pitching ball.

Oh no!

This is the one.

Oh! Oh!

Come on.

Put it down over there.

Boy, you never give
up, do you, Mom?

Now look, so far Kim, all
we've had was a few bad breaks,

but believe me, this
time we're gonna make it.

I still don't see how you're gonna
get Uncle Harry to give you a raise

by sneaking into
his office at night,

with our whole life savings
stashed in that little black satchel.

Yeah honey, it really hurt to
draw up the entire 150 dollars.

Mom, I hope you're not
gonna waste all that money.

Don't you worry.

I wish you'd tell me
what your whole plan is.

Now, you'll find
out soon enough.

Now, you take that end of
that clothesline right there,

and you put it up there.

I'm gonna tie it up here?

Yes, tie it up there.

Hurry up.

Oh, wait a minute,

if we're gonna do Uncle
Harry's laundry, count me out.

Just do as you're told.

Okay.

Get me up in the
middle of the night

to come out for plan
D and C and plan E.

Never mind now. Be quiet.

I don't understand, Mom. I
don't know how this is gonna get...

I don't care whether you
understand or not, be quiet.

Give me a hand with
these brand new dollar bills

I just took out of the bank.

Of course!

Why didn't I think of it before.

It's a floating crap game.

You're gonna roll Uncle Harry
for your salary double or nothing.

No, it's no gamble, Kim.

This time it's a sure thing.

Now you just start hanging
those dollar bills on the line.

- Why do you want me
to hang dollar bills?
- Just do as you're told.

Hi Harry, I'm at the office.

Yes, I'm working late tonight.

This is Lucille.

What do you mean Lucille who!

No! No Harry!

No, no. You mustn't
come down here.

I can handle the
emergency myself.

There, that ought to bring old
snoopy right down here in a hurry.

You can bet on that.

Yeah, now, for the clincher.

What's that?

A printing press.

- A printing press?
- Yup!

We're gonna pretend we're a
do-it-yourself counterfeit ring.

Oh, you are a sly one.

Now, I told Harry that we
gotta make some money,

so when he walks in here
that's what we're gonna be doing,

making money.

Now then, those bills are
supposed to be wet off the press.

So now they're wet.

And so am I.

Hey, it's the elevator.

- Here comes our pigeon now.
- What do I need to do?

- You get over here by the press
and look busy.
- Okay.

What's going on?

I told you not to
come down here.

Thank heavens it's not the fuzz.

The fuzz?

What's that?

Oh, that's a printing press.

A p... A p?

Are you? Are you trying to say?

Do you mean to say?
Do you mean to say that?

C... C... Counterfeiting?

How could you
do a thing like that?

The devil made us
do it, honey. Woooh!

Of all the ridiculous
things to do.

Don't you now that
even expert counterfeiters

cannot duplicate
United States currency?

And you think that with these
inept sloppy looking imitations

of dollar bills that
you're gonna put out,

they don't even look,
they have nothing about,

they are fantastic!

Why even a banker couldn't
tell this from a real one.

Lucille, you could make
ten's, twenty's fifty's...

Oh, what am I saying!

We've got to destroy this printing
press before we get in trouble.

No! Not yet!

Not at least until I get my bills
paid, or you'll give me a raise.

I am not going to
give you a raise.

Well then, you're not getting
my jolly green budget balancer.

Uncle Harry, please
give Mother a raise.

If she gets caught counterfeiting,
she could be put in jail for 20 years.

Yeah.

Uncle Harry, they
have to put me in jail too.

Oh! Well, I wouldn't,
alright, I'll give you a raise.

How much?

Five dollars.

Only 5 dollars?

Mom! Five dollar
raise isn't bad.

Isn't bad?

In times like these I think 5
dollars a month is very generous.

A month! We can
print that in 2 seconds!

Come on Kim, hit the
presses and get these-

Alright! Alright! Alright!

I'll give you ten.

Ten dollars a week or a month?

- Well.
- Roll the presses!

Alright! Alright!

You win, you win,
ten dollars a week.

Alright sir, sign here.

What's that?

That's a contract I just
happen to have with me.

Will you sign it right
down there, please?

Stabbed in the back
with my own pen.

Oh, Uncle Harry, you're
so sweet and generous!

Yeah, I could just kiss you.

Yeah, from you a thank
you note will be sufficient.

- There.
- Okay.

Now, we've got to get rid of
that private edition of Fort Knox.

Alright, Harry
I'll get rid of it.

Alright, take it
in the storeroom,

burry it under
something, just get rid of it!

Oh, I won't rest until
everything is put away.

I don't know why
they do things like this.

Uh-huh! There we go.

There.

In there!

How you could do a
stupid thing like this,

I will never know
and in my office too!

What a chance you were taking.

You know, if anyone
had discovered this,

I, I could've been arrested.

Have you got that
printing press buried deep?

Yeah, don't worry, Harry.

Fine.

Hey, I smell smoke.

Oh, don't worry, dear. I'm just
getting rid of some of the evidence.

Getting rid of some
of the evidence?

Ahhh! Ahhhh!

My life savings!

Uncle Harry, that's
not counterfeit!

That's real money
you're burning.

- Real money!
- Yes!

I took it out of the bank today.

Lucille, do you mean to say
that you were stupid enough

- to go to the bank-
- Bawl me out later!

Now come here and help me.

Alright, Lucille. Alright.

How you could you do a
thing like that I don't know.

Will you point the other way.

Now look what you did.

You wasted all the water.

Mom, I've got a
fire extinguisher.

Here.

My life savings!

Oh.

My life savings all
gone up in smoke.

Must it always be me?

Alright.

Alright, this all
serves you right.

It's what you wanted. You
wanted some hot money.

Ahhhhhhhh!

Alright, since you're crying,

I'll give you something
to really cry about.

- Give me that!
- This contract!

- Oh no!
- Give me that!

Oh no! It was drawn
up under false pretenses

and signed under duress

so I'm going to see that it
is rendered null and void.

- No you're not, Harry!
- Oh, yes I am.

- Give me that.
- Here we go.

Give me that, Harry!

Give me that.

There's the fire fellas!

And there's the firebug!

Well Mr. Firebug, we
caught you in the act.

I am not firebug.

I'm Harrison Carter,
this is my office.

Tell them who I am.

I never saw him
before in my life!

Oh!

Me neither!

- You!
- Alright!

I'm not the firebug but I am
going to burn that contract

if it's the last
thing I ever do.

Alright, Mr. Firebug.

Out! Out!