04x09 - Won't You Calm Down Dan Dailey?

[bunniefuu]

[Announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-starring Gale Gordon

and Lucy Arnaz.

Well, does anybody know?

Has he moved in yet?

- Who?
- Yeah, he moved in yesterday.

- Who?
- I hear he bought
the whole building.

Who did?

- Have you seen him?
- Seen who?

He looks better in person
that he does on the screen.

Who does?

His offices have been
completely redecorated, you know.

Oh no, not yet.

Oh yes, they have. I
saw Rosy on the elevator.

- Alright, who bought the building?
- Rosy and her bad information.

Who's office has been redecorated,
who looks better in person,

who moved in yesterday and who's
gonna tell me before I get a stiff neck!

Dan Dailey!

- Dan Dailey?
- Yes.

He just bought our building and he
moved in to the offices on the top floor.

You're kidding!
Oh, this is exciting!

Can you imagine!

- Here's your French toast.
- Oh, thank you.

I didn't have time to have
breakfast this morning.

Oh you know, I have seen
everyone of his movies at least twice.

I was crazy about his television
series, The Governor and J.J.

Oh yes, so was I.

When it went off the air,

I wrote the network a
poison penned letter.

So did I.

- So did he!
- Ha ha!

Yes, you just keep those
cards and letters coming in folks.

Oh, isn't he a darling!

Isn't he a darling.

Oh, he's adorable!

Oh and you know, Lucy, he's
looking for a new secretary.

- Oh, some lucky girl.
- Yeah.

I'd apply for the job but I
like working for a trial lawyer.

Every week I feel like
I'm on Perry Mason reruns.

Well, I'd apply but I
don't wanna give up my


pay which is coming up

because I'm going on a cruise
for singles to meet some men.

Well, lots of luck.

From what I've heard
about those cruises,

there are about a
hundred women to ten men.

Well, that's ten more
men that I know now!

Silly!

- Lucy?
- Hmm?

Why don't you ask for the job?

You always say how dull it is
working for you brother-in-law.

Well, maybe my job isn't
too exciting, but it is so cushy.

Yeah, I mean, actually,
I get away with m*rder.

I really do.

What do you mean?
You get away with m*rder.

Well, for instance, when I know
Harry isn't coming back to the office,

I go home at 3 o'clock,

and last week, he was out of town
on business, he was in San Francisco,

so every morning I just went
in to the office, open the mail,

call Harry at the hotel, spent
the rest of the day at the beach.

Oh Lucy. That's marvelous!

Very interesting.

Never mind trying to swallow,
so you'll make an excuse.

You're fired!

Oh.

Would you come in here and
take some dictation, please.

Mrs. Carter, I can't tell you how glad I
am you could come to work right away.

I'm just amazed that your former employer
would let you go without 2 weeks’ notice.

Are you sure he didn't mind?

Oh, not at all.

He was a real love about it.

Actually, he insisted I leave.

Well, that certainly
nice of him.

Make a note, will you.

Call Clark Caterers for Friday.

I'm gonna give a little
party for my tenants.

- Yes, call Clark Caterers.
- Right.

And tell him I'd like my usual party for
oh about 40 people, bartender, band.

Well, they know what to do.

- Oh yes, sir.
- Right.

- Now would you take
a letter, please.
- Yes, sir.

Alright.

Mrs. Betty James,


Las Vegas, Nevada.

Dear Betty, I'm
sorry I missed...

Betty James! Is
that Betty Grable?

Yes, that's right.

I'm sorry I missed you the last
time you were in Los Angeles,

but what I've had...

Gee, imagine being good
friends with Betty Grable!

What is she really like?

Oh she's a very sweet
wonderful person.

I knew it. I knew it!

Where was I?

- Uh ah, "Dear Betty."
- That's right. Dear Betty,

Uh, I plan to be in Las Vegas
next weekend on business...

How many pictures
did you make with her?

- Only 4.
- Only 4.

I plan to be in Las Vegas
next weekend on business

and I was hoping we could-

You know, you know, I have seen
every picture you ever made with her

and some of them 3 and 4 times,

do you remember this?

[Sings] I want to be happy

but I won't be happy

till I make you happy too.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, that was fun!

Oh, I like that!

- Yes, you like that?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I like that.

I'm glad you liked it, now could
we please get back to work?

Oh, yes. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

- Alright, would you read
my letter for me, please?
- Oh yes.

Mrs. Betty James,


Las Vegas Nevada,

- Dear Betty, - Right.

Go on.

- Oh, that's as far as I got.
- What?

Well I'm sorry; I guess I
just got a little carried away.

Give it to me again;
I'll get it this time.

Dear Betty, I'm sorry I missed you
the last time in Los Angeles but I plan-

Listen did she really have the most
beautiful legs in the whole world.

I'll telephone her.

Oh, Mr. Dailey I'm sorry.

Please forgive me, it
won't happen again.

- That's alright.
- Just give me another chance.

I really ought to
call Betty anyway.

- Oh.
- Yes.

- Would you take
another letter please?
- Oh yes, sir.

Yes, this one is to Paul
Newman, Universal Studios...

Paul Newman!

You know, I saw Paul Newman in
a picture the picture the other night,

I think it was "Winning"

and he was driving a racing car
around and he was going, rawwr!

Raaawwwr!

Mrs. Carter, I'll call him too.

Oh, please Mr. Dailey,
don't be upset at me.

It's just that I'm
a little nervous.

I've never worked with
anyone like you before.

That makes two of us.

You know, maybe I should get someone who's
had more experience in the show business.

What?

Well, I can't have you falling apart
every time I mention a friend of mine

who happens to be celebrity
like Betty Grable, Paul Newman

Robert Young or
somebody like that.

You know Robert Young too?

There you go again, Mrs. Carter.

I'm afraid this isn't
gonna work out.

Oh please, please Mr. Dailey,
don't say that. Don't say that.

Just think of the black
mark on my record,

fired twice in one
day before lunch.

You didn't tell
me you were fired.

Oh, yes I did.

I told you my boss
insisted I leave.

- Well, I'm sorry, Mrs. Carter.
- Oh please.

Oh gees, I'm sorry.

I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Dailey.

Oh, good heavens.

Oh, is this anything important?

Yes. It's important.

It's a script I was supposed
to read for a picture.

Oh, well I'll take it home,
dry it out and iron it.

No, like I said, I don't think this is
ever gonna work out, Mrs. Carter.

Oh, please don't say
that. Don't say that.

You don't know what this
means to me Mr. Dailey,

- please don't say that.
- Mrs. Carter.

- Please don't say that.
- Mrs. Carter, get up.

Mr. Dailey,

I'm one of your tenants,
Harrison Carter of the

Carter Unique Employment Agency.

Oh, I'm glad to know you.

Oh, my pleasure, sir.

I understand my former
secretary is working for you.

That's right.

- She worked for me
for 10 years, you know.
- She did?

You have my deepest sympathy.

Oh really.

I wonder, could I
talk to you about her?

Oh, by all means join
me please, join me.

Yes.

Here you are, sir.

Oh, thank you.

Now then, Mr. Dailey, what was it
you wanted to know about Lucille?

Ah, how to fire her.

So soon.

Well you now, she's so starstrucked
at whenever I mention a celebrity,

she just goes right to pieces.

Yes, yes, he makes a fool
of herself over Rin Tin Tin.

When I told her I was
gonna replace her,

well, she was in
tears, on the floor,

grabbing, clutching my pant leg,

you know, it was just terrible.

You ever had that
problem before?

- About once a week.
- You did?

Well I mean, it's pretty hard to fire
somebody when they're down there sobbing,

grabbing your pant leg.

I know exactly what you mean.

On most of my trousers the right
leg is two inches longer than the left.

As a matter of fact,

if I hadn't run in to you,

- I was gonna come by to your office
and see you today.
- Oh.

Would you consider
hiring her back?

I can see that's
out of the question.

Now, now, this may seem
strange to you Mr. Dailey

but I might just consider it.

I hate to admit this but I seem
to have a psychological hang up.

I have deep-seated
need to rave or rant at her.

Well, that can happen.

Yeah.

- I suppose I've grown
accustomed to her face.
- Hmm.

She almost makes the day begin.

I'll bet you've grown accustomed to
the tune she whistles night and noon.

- Smiles or frowns.
- Her ups her downs.

Well, they're second
nature to me now.

Like breathing out
and breathing in.

What, what are we saying?

If Rex Harrison can talk
that song I guess we can too.

Oh yes. But, you know, that
isn't solving our problems.

Right.

Now tell me, have you
tried the office wolf gambit.

The office wolf what?

You now, chase her around
the desk, make passes.

That ought a have her
quitting by supper time.

Well that's hardly
my type of thing.

Oh, I know, I know
that but it usually works.

Most secretaries just hate that.

I hear.

Well, I suppose it's
worth a try and if it works,

I'd be so grateful I'll
redecorate your office.

Well, that would be very nice.

And I'm gonna
pick up your check.

On no, please, Mr. Dailey.

- No. No, I insist. Let me.
- Really let me.

No no, please let me.

- After all I'm...
- Would you...

- You've you, no, please let
me have it because... Alright.

I went one "let me" too many.

Come in.

Mr. Dailey, could I speak
to you for a moment?

Yes, of course.

What is it you wanted
to talk to me about?

Is the work too hard?

You don't like your job?

Oh no, I love my job!

You do.

Oh yes! I wanted to talk
to you about the party.

- Oh, the party! Yes.
- Yeah.

Well now, I called
the Clark Caterers

and they said it would
cost ten dollars a person.

So, I told them that was high way
robbery and they could just forget it.

Well, I have always
used Clark Caterers.

Yeah, well I found a
much cheaper caterer.

They'll do everything for a
dollar and a quarter for a person.

And what do you get for a
dollar and quarter a person?

The works!

They send one man who
makes a nice wine punch

and he serves an onion
dip with potato chips

and for music he plays the harmonica
and has cymbals between his knees.

Mrs. Carter, I don't
want a wine punch.

I don't want an onion dip.

I don't want a man who plays harmonica
with cymbals between his knees.

I want the kind of party I've always had
and I want it catered by Clark Caterers,

is that clear?

Yes, sir. Okay. It's your money.

That's right.

Oh, how's the guest list coming?

Oh, we have 34 "love
tos", and 5 "can't make its"

- and 10 "still haven't
heard from yets; - Good.



are going to try and get
out of their other commit...

What are you doing, Mr. Dailey?

Well, your shoulders must get
very tired from all that typing.

Oh yeah, as a
matter of fact they do.

You have lovely shoulders.

Oh, thank you.

As a matter of fact you
have lovely everything.

Oh, thank you! Thank you.

Yes, how about having
dinner with me tonight, Lucy?

I know a cute little
spot at the beach.

- I'd love to.
- You would?

Well sure. I have to eat anyway.

Yes.

Oh, and then afterwards we can go to
my place for some after dinner drinks?

Oh, why not!

I have to have after
dinner drinks anyway.

Well, I better get back to work

and call the caterer
and everything.

What's your hurry?

Oh well, I wanted
to get my work done

so that I could get my
hair fixed before dinner.

Oh why bother, it'll only
get messed up anyway.

Oh, h*-h*-h*! Oh, no!

Mr. Dailey, are you
chasing me around the desk?

Yes, I am.

And when I catch
you I'm gonna kiss you.

You caught me!

I really don't know
what's come over me.

You must think I'm terrible.

No! I think you're adorable.

So go right ahead. Do
what you started out to do.

Well now, let's not be hasty.

No, go on! Be hasty.

I don't think we ought to
rush into a thing like this.

Well, maybe you're right.

After all, we're going to
be together all evening.

We have plenty of time.

And what did he do then, Lucy?

And then he rubbed
my neck some more

and asked me out
to dinner tonight.

Ahh, what did he do then?

Then he said later we'd go to his
house for some after dinner drinks.

And what did he do then?

It's my turn to say
what did he do then.

Oh, sorry.

And what did he do then?

Then, he chased
me around the desk.

Oh, Lucy!

Are you lucky!

Dinner and
invitation to his place!

A chase around the
desk and a neck rub too!

Wow.

Lucy, I think you've
got a live one.

h* h*, I hope so.

- I smell orange blossoms.
- Awe.

Oh, this is so exciting!

Vonda, you and I ought to get
together and give Lucy a shower.

Oh, that's a good idea!

Oh, oh!

Oh, what do you want?
Kitchen or lingerie?

Uh, wait a minute,

we're getting carried away.

I haven't even been
out with the man yet.

Of course he does
seem to like me but

talking about getting married
is kinda jumping the g*n.

Oh, that's right I guess.

- Yeah, that's silly.
- Yeah.

Make it a lingerie shower.

Mr. Carter are you busy?

- Oh Mr. Dailey, come in,
come in, come in!
- Thank you, thank you.

Did you take my advice?

Yes, I did.

Oh, how did it go?

Well, may I say you're
on "Oh dear Abby".

You mean the office wolf
routine didn't work out?

Well not unless the sheep is supposed
to chase the wolf around the desk.

I don't get it.

Neither did I, but I think I will
when I take Lucy to my home tonight

for some after dinner
drinks with my wife.

Well now, this
isn't like Lucille.

She would never go
out with a married man.

Well she sure jumped at the
chance to go out with one tonight.

Oh well, it's because
you're a big star.

That's why she lost her marbles.

I noticed that.

She doesn't have too
many more to lose either.

I noticed that too.

Well, now maybe I can
think of something else,

after all I feel that I'm partly
responsible for this mess.

Yes, well I feel that you are
totally responsible for this mess.

Yeah oh, oh yeah.

Well now, there must be something
we can do to bring Lucille to her senses.

Let's see.

Uh, one that we've tried the
uh, wait a minute, I have a plan!

Uh oh! Oh!

I have an idea.

I hope it's better
than your last one.

Well, it is, it is.

Now, suppose this afternoon,

Lucille is sitting on
your lap taking dictations.

Sitting on my lap
taking dictation?

Where do you get your
ideas, from comic strips?

Want to hear my
idea or don't you?

I'm not so sure.

Oh well, anyway,

she's sitting on your
lap taking dictation,

meanwhile, you have invited
your wife to have lunch with you.

Now, your wife comes
through the door...

And hits me with a rolling pin.

No no no, she's in
on the whole thing.

When she comes
in, she scares Lucille.

No way.

My wife's not that
good an actress.

That's too bad, too bad.

Well, looks like we may
have to find you another wife.

No thanks. I like
the wife I have.

Well, I mean
someone to act the part.

Oh, what do you plan to do, look in
a telephone book under Rent-a-wife!

No no, I don't think we'll have
to look in the telephone book.

I'll play your wife.

You?

I happen to be a very
good actor you know.

Well you have to be if you're
gonna play my wife with a mustache.

Uh well, I'll shave
that off of course.

All I need is a dress and wig
and if I do so say so myself,

- I have pretty good legs.
- You do?

Yeah. Well, what do you think?

I think you're out of your
mind but let's do it anyway.

Alright. I'll be at your
place at 5 o'clock.

- Right.
- Good.

Well, I'll get my business manager for
this if it takes me the rest of my life.

Your business manager?

Yeah, he's the one who talked
me into buying this building.

Would you come in here
please and bring your book?

Yes sir, honey.

I'd like to dictate a letter.

Yes, sir.

Ah, ah-ah! Over here.

You mean, you mean you
want me to sit on your lap?

Comfy?

Oh yes, I'll never sit
on a chair alone again.

Good.

You know, I've seen this in comic
strips but I never thought I'd be doing it.

Me either.

Oh, but I like it!

Oh, I do too.

What about the dictation?

Dictation, yes.

What? Oh, dictation!

Yes. Uh huh.

Yes. Well, take a letter.

Yes, sir.

Take a letter to the
telephone company.

Telephone company.

Yes, dear telephone company.

- "Dear telephone company."
- Yes.

Why do you keep
looking at your watch?

Oh, I just wanted to see how long
it would take my legs to go to sleep.

- Oh, am I too heavy?
- No, no!

No it's just that you know,
as a dancer gets older,

his legs have to take a
little nap in the afternoon.

Oh, that's cute.

- Mr. Dailey.
- Hmm.

I don't mean to be pushy, but

when the secretary
sits on her boss's lap,

isn't something
supposed to happen?

Like what?

Oh you know, like, maybe he
steals a little kiss or something.

Oh yes, yes, you're right.

Yes. Uh-hum.

Well, ready when you are.

I, uh, I wonder how other
secretaries and bosses do it.

Maybe they use seat belts.

Well, I better get back to work.

Oh no! Not so fast!

- Oh, Mr. Dailey.
- Mm-hmm.

What's that?

Ah-ha! I caught you!

Oh, it's my wife!

Your wife!

Oh, I read in a TV guide
that you were a widower.

No no, they were talking
about the Governor and J.J.

I've taken all that I can
take from you Casanova you!

You terrible, terrible man!

Ow, ow, ow.

You ladies’ man!

Huh? Harry!

Harry, it's you!

How did you know?

Well, the next time you
pretend to be a woman,

shave off your mustache.

Oh, I forgot all about that.

I was having so much
trouble with my pantyhose.

What is going on here anyway?

Well, Harry will
tell you all about it.

Uh, no no. Dan will tell you.

Oh no, Harry. You
tell her all about it.

I'd love to tell you all about it
but I've got to get out of here.

My girdle is k*lling me.

Alright, Mr. Dailey, do you wanna
tell me what's going on here?

Not really.

Why was Harry
pretending to be your wife!

Why?

Are you trying to get rid of me?

In a word, yes.

Why?

Jimmy Stewart.

Do you know Jimmy Stewart!

- That's why!
- Oh.

And besides, your
brother-in-law Harry

wants you to go
back to work for him.

- He does?
- Yes.

Oh, that's why he did that!

It should be very interesting
working for a woman with a mustache.

Oh well, I just wanna tell you,

I will never forget that I got
to dance with Dan Dailey.

[Sings] I want to be happy

but I won't be happy

till I make you happy too.