04x14 - Lucy and Candid Camera

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-starring Gale Gordon

and Lucie Arnaz.

Brought to you by

Lever Brothers makers
of Lux liquid with Dermasil.

The dishwashing liquid that
makes hands look and feel better.

Okay, here are these, mom.

Thank you, dear.

Kim, darling, I can't tell you how
much I appreciate you're helping me.

Well, I'm glad to do it, mom.

I just don't understand
with all this work

why Uncle Harry
doesn't hire another girl.

Because he doesn't
want to pay her.

Ask a silly question, you
get a sensible answer.

It's really a shame Uncle
Harry is so tight with the buck!

Yeah. Boy,

how he cries when he
has to part with money.

You know the last time
he paid his income tax,

they had to hang
the check out to dry?

Mother!

You say I have to put
all of these in here?

Yeah.

Good morning!

Oh!

Kim, do you realize who he is?

Of course, I do!

Oh my goodness! Can you
imagine that right here in this office,

a big television celebrity.

Ralph Edwards.

Mother, he's not Ralph Edwards.

Ralph Williams?

Mother, he's Allen
Funt of Candid Camera.

Candid... Candid Camera!

Oh, do I look alright?

Oh, I bet I look a mess.

Where are the cameras?
Where are the damn cameras?

Madame, there are
no hidden cameras.

I'm here to hire
some unique people.

Oh.

Oh well, then you've
come to the right place.

I'm Lucille Carter and
this is my daughter, Kim.

Hello.

Oh, Mr. Funt, I can't tell you
how happy I am to meet you.

This is such an honor.

It's such a thrill.

I just can't... oh, now,
is that a hidden camera?

No.

Mother.

Uh, Mr. Funt, you say you're
here to hire some people?

Yes. I'm producing a
one-hour TV special

with some new
Candid Camera stunts.

Oh, that sounds great.

You know, you've got one of the
funniest programs on television.

Oh, you sure have.

Thank you.

Now, I'm looking for some people
to help me perpetrate the stunts.

Oh.

Well, I'll look in my files and see
if we have any perpetrators listed.

Mother.

Mother has a wonderful
sense of humor.

Yes, I can see that.

Uh, Mr. Funt, would you like us
to hire some professional people

to perpetrate your stunts?

No, not professionals,

but I'd be willing
to pay $100 each

if you can find some ordinary
people who can act natural.

Oh, well, your search is over.

I am one of the most ordinary,
natural acting perpetrators

you ever saw.

No, I am really.

Well, I don't know.

You see, sometimes people
who perpetrate my pranks

get carried away by the humor

and they begin to laugh
and that ruins the stunt.

Oh, I never laugh when I
purposely perpetrate pranks.

I never even smile.

Mr. Funt, I have an idea.

- I'll prove that I'm right for the job.
- How?

Well, now, my boss, Mr. Carter,
should be in any minute, see?

Now, I would like you to
hide over there in that closet.

And when my boss comes in,

I will perpetrate pranks
that will drive him nuts.

Kim, you'll help me, won't you?

Oh sure, I'll help.

And believe me, mother is
very good at driving people nuts.

Now, look.

You come in here and you
stay here until Mr. Carter comes

and I will show you a
first class perpetrator.

What do you want to do?
I don't know what to do.

Oh, what else can you
tell me about it, Mr. Funt?

Well, this impostor tells his
innocent victims that he's me

and he wants to use them
in a Candid Camera stunt.

Then, he tricks them
into pulling holdups.

That's quite a racket.

You say the impostor
looks exactly like you?

Yes, except I've been
told I have little more hair.

Yes, well, is there anything
else you can tell me?

- Well, they say he loves pizza.
- Pizza.

And he has an
accomplice named Irving.

Irving.

Yes, and every time he
sees a pretty girl, he grabs her,

kisses her, and then he says,

"Smile, you're on
Candid Camera."

Well.

I think we have everything
we need, Mr. Funt.

You've been very helpful.

We'll put out a
bulletin immediately

and stop the career
of this impostor.

Thank you, sergeant. Thank you.

- Oh, sergeant?
- Yes?

When you send out that bulletin,

please don't mention anything
about the impostor kissing

the pretty girls, will you?

I'd like to try
that stunt myself.

Where is Uncle Harry?

I don't know.

I never thought I'd look
forward to seeing him.

He'll be here soon.

I hope so. I'm suffocating!

Well, he'll be here
soon. I'm sorry.

Mom, he just out of the
elevator. He's coming.

Alright.

He's here, he's here, he's here.

Oh.

Remember, watch me
perpetrate through the key hole,

right through the key hole.

Good morning.

Oh, good morning, Kim dear.

Oh!

Oh, Uncle Harry, thank
goodness you're alright.

Oh, Harry, we're
so glad to see you.

Why?

Oh, Uncle Harry
we were so worried.

Oh, there was nothing
to worry about, dear.

I'm late because there
was so much traffic...

Well, that doesn't matter now.

The important thing
is that you're here.

You're here.

You're really here.

Uncle Harry, if anything
ever happened to you,

we wouldn't be able
to live without you.

But he's here,
darling. He's here.

Yes.

Kim, the poor
darling looks tired.

- Get him a chair.
- I will.

I'm not the least bit tired.

I'm not. I just got here.

Harry, that's just like you.

You're a true martyr, a saint.

I know.

You're only
thought is for others.

You never admit
how hard you work.

Well, Lucille, I'm deeply
touched by your concern for me.

And you're right.

I do work too hard.

Yeah, well you've
earned a little rest, Harry.

Now, sit down.

Thank you.

Oh, Uncle Harry.
Oh, I'm so sorry.

Sorry, Harry.

Oh, Uncle Harry...

For heaven's sake.

It's nothing. I'm
just—just a clumsy klutz.

Not all the time.

Well, you just relax, Harry.
I'll get you a glass of water.

Oh. Thank you.

Uncle Harry, here sit down.

I've got the chair
now right here for you.

It's nice and soft and...

Here, darling. Here.

- Thank you, Lucille.
- You're very welcome.

Thank you.

Now, you just relax
and enjoy yourself.

- Uncle Harry!
- Good heavens.

- Come on, Uncle Harry.
- Oh Harry.

Oh, Uncle Harry. You've
gotten all dusty on your back.

Oh, Harry, you got
water all over you.

Uncle Harry, you're soaking
wet and on your brand new tie,

and all over your hair.

Alright, alright,
hold it. Hold it.

Hold it!

I may be a clumsy klutz

but I'm not a stupid klutz.

Now, what is going on?

I'll tell you what's going on.

Smile! You're on Candid Camera!

This is Allen Funt.

It really is you!

How do you do, Mr. Funt?

I'm Harry Klutz.

How do you do?

You were great.

Oh, thank you. Do I get the job?

You certainly do and
so does your daughter.

Oh! Oh, I'm going to do it too!

Alright, alright, alright!

Sim—simmer down.

What job?

Tell him, Mr. Funt.

I need some people to help
me with a Candid Camera show.

Yeah, and he's gonna
pay us $100 each.

Well, how generous, paying
the three of us $100 each.

The three of you?

I don't even know
if you can act.

Oh sir, me?

Act?

You just saw me?

What?

Well, you don't think I
was really mad, do you?

I was just acting mad.

I never get mad.

I'm always full of
sweetness and love.

Yeah, he's full of it all right.

But he's a good perpetrator.

Well, I could use
the three of you.

You're all hired.

Oh!

We're all gonna be
on Candid Camera...

Mr. Funt what do we get to do?

- Well, you're to go
the Supreme Fur Salon.
- Yeah.

Our candid cameras are
hidden at the Fur Salon

ready to photograph
everything that happens.

Oh good.

Your instructions
are in this envelope.

You're gonna follow
them meticulously.

- Okay, we will. We will.
- Okay, we will.

This case contains some of the
things you may need so get going!

- Okay, fine.
- Thanks a lot.

Oh, I’m so excited. I've
never done anything...

You mean you are
not coming with us?

I better not go. I'd be
recognized immediately.

Oh, that's right.

- I'll meet you back here later.
- Yeah, good, good.

- He'll meet us back here.
- Oh, fine.

- Bye, bye.
- Oh, thank you, Mr. Funt!

Hello, Irving?

Yeah.

I found the perfect people
for the fur salon stunt,

three goony birds.

I'll give you all
the details at lunch.

Let's meet at the pizza place.

If you get there first,
order me a plain pizza,

a pepperoni pizza,
an anchovy pizza,

a mushroom pizza,

and if they have strawberries
and whipped cream,

have them make me a
pizza shortcake for dessert.

Ring around the collar.
Ring around the collar.

Ring around the collar, blah.

Those dirty rings.

You try scrubbing them
out and soaking them out.

- And you can still come out with...
- Ring around the collar.

Now try Wisk.

Concentrated Wisk
goes right on the dirt.

Its unique formula sinks in and
starts to clean before you start to wash.

Gets even permanent
press collars really clean.

Wisk around the collar beats
ring around the collar every time.

Pretty shirt.

Ah, good morning.

Welcome to the Supreme Fur Salon

and I am Mr. Ponsonby and
may I be of some assistance?

Possibly. Possibly.

But must we discuss it here
in the bargain basement?

Bargain basement?

Oh, do let’s stay, Sherwood.

Once in a while it's
fun to go slumming.

Slumming?

I'm afraid we'll
have to, Amelia.

After all, neither one of our
chauffeurs will be here for 15 minutes.

Oh you have two chauffeurs?

Oh yes, yes.

One for right
turns, one for left.

Ha, ha, ha. I thought
that was rather good.

Penelope darling, I have a
feeling we're wasting our time here.

Oh yes, mumsy.

Just feel the inferior
quality of this fur.

Oh, you're so right.

How can any self-respecting
mink wear anything so trashy?

Trashy, eh? Huh, I thought so.

Trashy?

My dear sir, in that coat,

we do not use the mink's
back nor the mink's side,

just the mink's tummy.

Oh, my I have a
mink's tummy, mummy?

A tummy might be yummy.

We'll see, dear.

Now, sir, do you have
anything better, really better?

Oh, but I do. I do.

What would you say
to a lovely chinchilla?

Now, what would I
say to a chinchilla?

Here chinchy. Here chinchy.

Lovely good, huh?

You have no objection to
chinchilla, do you, Sherwood?

Not for long as
they're house broken.

Oh, popsie is in a rather
good mood this morning,

especially for a man who
just lost 2 million dollars.

You lost 2 million
dollars this morning?

Yeah.

The stock market?

No, hole in my pocket.

My good man, do
bring on the chinchilla.

Oh, very good, Madame.

What size?

Oh, about $50,000 size.

Yes, Madame, right away.

Don't forget the trading stamps.

Two more books and we'll
have enough to buy Texas.

And hurry up, my good man.

We don't want to
miss the polo matches.

Uncle Harry, you
were magnificent!

So you were you, Kim.

- You know, Mr. Funt
thought of everything.
- Yeah.

- The instructions in the
envelope were perfect!
- Yeah.

Lucille! What are you doing?

Smiling.

You never know where those
candid cameras are hidden.

Oh, yes.

You know something?

They sometimes hide
microphones and things like this.

Yeah.

- Say something. Go on.
- Hi there.

Hi there. Hello, hello.

Hi, out in TV land.

How do we look?

He's back.

Now then, these are some
of our most expensive coats.

Oh, are they really
the best you have?

Oh yes, miss, the very best.

Oh here, you try this.

There we are.

Oh, that's lovely on you.

I'll decide that, young man.

Tell me, tell me, wouldn't
an old rag like this

cut down into a hunting jacket?

Cut that down?

You always use what's
left over for a bath mat.

A bath mat? Oh dear. Oh dear.

Well, I suppose...
I my goodness.

Well, they're really
not too bad, Penelope.

If you say so, mumsy.

Well, that settles it,
my dear. That settles it.

My good man,
we'll take them all.

All?

That's what I said, all.

Now, then, will that be
charge, check, or cash?

Neither, I have a rather
special credit card.

Oh. This is holdup.

Oh, good guess, old boy.

Alright girls, pick up
the loot and let's scoot.

Put your hands behind your back.

Come on, old boy. Would
you mind stepping right in.

- Step right into the sack.
- Yes, yes ma'am.

- And jump up and down.
- Would you jump and down for us.

Up and down. Up and down.

Oh, that's fine.

I'll get the bag open.

Just be quiet.

- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

Here we are. Here's another one.

Here.

Having trouble with that?

Never mind. It's worth it.

Yeah.

You're being very good
about this, Ponsonby.

Here's another one.

Oh, pardon me, miss.

Mr. Ponsonby, you
have excellent taste.

It's a pleasure
stealing from you.

Thank you.

One more and away we go.

- There we are.
- Oh, thank you.

Oh, you've been so
kind, Mr. Ponsonby.

Goodbye.

Smile! You're on Candid Camera!

- Isn't this a beauty?
- Oh, is that.

- Oh, how soft it is.
- Yes.

I wonder what that can cost?

- Oh, don't even...
- Well!

Oh, hi Mr. Funt!

- Congratulations!
- Thank you!

- You three did magnificent!
- Oh, thank you.

You know, you
handled it so brilliantly,

I want to send you out
on another assignment.

- Another one?
- Oh, that's great!

And, of course, you'll
each get an extra $100.

Oh!

Two hundred dollars each!

And we'll be seen on two
Candid Camera shows!

Oh, mom, this could lead to
television and movie contracts.

Yeah!

If a talent scout
catches us on the show,

we can get maybe
long-term contracts,

maybe even five years!

Well, that's a fact, you know.

If the right people catch you,

you might get as
much as 20 years.

Well, Mr. Funt, what do
you want us to do this time?

When do we start?

- Right now.
- Oh!

Now, here are your props
and here are your instructions.

You have to take them to your
house and read them thoroughly.

You may need a little
more rehearsing for this.

Yeah, well don't you
worry. You can rely on us.

We won't make one mistake.

We'll be perfect doing
the funt, Mr. Stunt.

Don't just stand
there. Let's get going.

- See you back here!
- Yeah.

- See you back here in the office.
- Bye bye.

Hello Irving!

You should see me now.

I'm up to my chin in chinchilla.

The characters are unbelievable!

I set them out on a second job.

Now, you drive over here and
help me get rid of these furs.

No, no, no. Drive
the station wagon.

You can't take the convertible.

The trunk is full of pizzas.

The next time you
complain about shaving...

Ouch!

Take a look at your wife.

Not only are her legs
tough to shave as your face,

but just to complicate matters
she has two delicate under arms.

Giver her a break.

The 1971 Lady Remington

It's got a tough shaving
edge for her legs

and a second gentler
one for her under arms.

You may be man enough
to take the punishment

- but is she?
- Ow.

Are you quite sure
you know what to do?

Of course. Let's go.

Alright.

Let's go.

♪♪

[Sings] Now, don't
be alarmed, folks.

No one will get harmed, folks.

We're here to have a little fun.

We're not gonna abuse you,

we're here to amuse you,

but first I'll have to
take this fellow's g*n.

Why, this is a stickup,

he clicked on the pickup

and now our little
party's just begun.

Where do you put
your hands up in the air,

take a little step and
till you end up there.

Now you put your
money in the sack,

that's what we call
stealing the jack.

Hello, dollar,

well hello dollar,

it's so nice to have you
back where you belong.

Inflated dollar,

decimated dollar,

but you're still glowing,
you're still crawling,

you're still going strong.

Stay with me dollar.

Never stray away
from me, dollar.

Dollar, don't ever
go away from...

Whatever Lucy wants,

Lucy gets.

And little man, Little
Lucy wants you.

Give us your money.

Thank you, my honey.

We need a lot of what
it takes to get along.

We got the money.

Thank you, my honey.

We got a lot of what
it takes to get along.

- To dream the impossible dream.
- Pa pa pa pa. Pa pa pa pa.

Please don't talk
about us when we go.

Just wave goodbye
to all this lovely dough.

Alright everybody.
Clap your hands.

Please don't talk
about us when we go.

Just wave goodbye to all this,

Just wave goodbye to all this,

Just wave goodbye
to all this, lovely dough.

Mr. Funt, what are
you doing here?

I came in to cash a check, lady.

- Well, I thought we were supposed
to meet you back at the office.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

We got all the money into
the bags just like you told us.

- Like I told you?
- Yeah.

I never saw any of
you before in my life!

But Mr. Funt, you hired us.

We're your perpetrators.

Wait a minute.

Maybe you've been
the victim of a hoax.

Hoax nothing.

They stole all that
money. It's a real robbery!

Well we're not really crooks.

Oh, you got to be.

You certainly can't
earn a living by singing!

Now, look, listen everybody.

We were in our office
when he came in and he...

I've never been in your office.

You were victimized
by an impostor.

You mean you're not really you?

Of course I'm me!

I'm not the me
you think me is...

I -I'm the real me,
not the fake me.

Okay everybody,
put up your hands.

You too, put your hands up.

I'm Allen Funt, officer.

I don't care if you're Spiro
Agnew. Get your hands up.

Officer, we are innocent victims

of a man who was
impersonating Mr. Funt.

Yeah. He told us to
stage a musical holdup

- as a stunt for Candid Camera.
- That's right.

You got to believe us, officer.

Do you we look like crooks?

That thing on your
hand ain't no petunia.

Oh!

Well, this will prove
that it's all a stunt

and that we're innocent,

loaded with blanks,
you silly man.

Oh, can we have
those smelling salts?

Oh, just wave a dollar bill under
his nose, that will revive him.

Officer, this is all a mistake.

Alright, what's going on?

I just captured this guy and
he claims he's Allen Funt.

Oh, that's funny.

I just captured a guy 10 minutes
ago who said he was Allen Funt.

Was he robbing a bank too?

No, a pizza truck.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to
take you all down to headquarters

until we straighten
this thing out.

Come on. Let's go.

But officer, I really
am Allen Funt!

You can tell them that
down at headquarters.

- Come on! Let's go.
- But officer!

Mr. Funt, I have a suggestion.

- What?
- Smile, you're on Candid Camera.

Look at those talented
hands of my husband.

He's a concert pianist.

His hands can be insured
by Lloyds of London.

But who would insure my hands?

The rough, raw, detergent
hands of a housewife.

Lux of New York.

With the worlds one and only
hand care insurance policy.

- No.
- Yes, madam. It is a fact.

Simply switch to Lux.

Lux guarantees to improve
the appearance of your hands

as you do dishes.

As I do dishes? How?

Dermasil, madam.

D-E-R-M-A-S-I-L, Dermasil.

A Lux exclusive.

In how long?

In only 21 days,

if roughness, redness
and tightness are not gone.

If your hands do not
look and feel better

Lux will refund your money.

Who will insure the
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Only Lux with Dermasil.

Helen, who's that
in the kitchen?

Only Lux with Dermasil.

Here's Lucy was
brought to you by

Lever Brothers.

Makers of Lux
liquid with Dermasil.

The dishwashing liquid that
makes hands look and feel better.