04x16 - Lucy's Bonus Bounces

[bunniefuu]

[Announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-starring Gale Gordon

and Lucie Arnaz.

Hi Connie, a couple
of iced teas please.

Yes, sir.

Now be honest, Doc.

Did you ever see a worse
score card than that?

A hundred and twenty-two, wow!

Yeah, well that's only
because I cheated.

Well, maybe you'll have
better luck on the back nine.

Oh, dear.

You know, Harry as your
friend and your Psychiatrist,

I'd like to say this,
you're pressing too hard.

Now, golf is a game that requires
great mental and physical concentration.

That's why it's such
a great exercise!

It makes you forget
all your other troubles.

Do you?

Yes, I forget everything,

my office, my neurotic patients,

my neurotic wife,
my neurotic kids.

Well, that's easy for you, Doc

you don't have
Lucille working for you.

- Oh. Lucille.
- Yeah.

Your secretary.

My secretary

and I use the word loosely
to match her filing system.

What's the matter
with Lucille now?

Oh, Doc at $35 an hour
I'd go broke telling you,

but she's the reason I
can't forget about the office

not even for a minute, when
I'm not there she's goofing off!

Lucille is the
reason I can't relax.

You know Harry the famous
Dr. Otto Wernicke in Vienna

has a solution for just
such a simple problem.

Vienna?

You mean, they know
how nutty Lucy is in Vienna?

No, but Dr. Wernicke
has discovered

that you can make an
employee, a devoted sl*ve

simply by giving her a big salary,
paying her more than she's worth.

Believe me Doc whatever I pay
Lucille it's more than she's worth.

Well maybe, but if you
give Lucille a big raise,

I guarantee you that she will
become so devoted and so loyal to you

that she'll work hard whether
you're in the office or not,

like I said to you; practically
become your sl*ve.

My sl*ve?

I'll do it.

I'll do anything if it'll help.

How much of a raise
should I give her?

Oh, $50 a week.

Harry!

Harry!

Harry!

Harry!

Lucille! Lucille!

Oh, Lucille!

Lu... Lu... Lucille! Lucille!

Lucille! Upsy-daisy!

Upsy-daisy!

Where am I? What happened?

Now everything's
alright, alright.

I'm lying here in your
arms everything's alright?

What happened?

Well, nothing really.

All I said was I'm giving
you a fifty dollar a week raise.

Lucille! Lucille!

Now c'mon, Lucille!

Upsy-daisy!

Breathe! Breathe! Breathe!

It must be my ears!

I thought I heard you say you are
giving me a fifty dollar a week raise.

That's right, that's right.

Why, Harry! Why! Why! Why!

Well, well, why not, my dear?

I'm getting older and I have
no intention of taking it with me.

You mean you've
already sent it on ahead?

Let's just say that this is the dawn
of a new era in our relationship,

and to celebrate I'm taking
you to lunch at my club.

Oh!

Well, I'd love to have lunch with
you sir, but I have to meet Kim, sir.

Uh oh, well, some other time.

Yes, sir. Anything you say, sir.

Alright.

I won't take more than
an hour for lunch, sir

because this is a
wonderful job, sir.

And I could never find another
one that pays as much sir,

and I can't tell how
grateful I am, sir.

It's just, it's just
wonderful, sir.

Lucy, Lucy, Lucy.

Tha, tha, tha, that's
enough, Lucille!

If there's one thing I can't
stand it's a slobbering sl*ve.

Yes, sir.

Kim, baby!

Kim!

Kim, baby!

- Oh!
- Are you alright?

Now I am.

You never passed out before!

Well, Uncle Harry never
passed out a $50 raise before!

I know.

I just can't figure
out why he did it!

Well, maybe he feels guilty
about underpaying you.

Oh.

Well after all you're
a very good secretary.

Oh, c'mon Kim, let's face
it I'm a lousy secretary.

Only last week he offered
me a 2-month vacation if I quit!

Well, that was last week,

it's perfectly obvious that this
week he does not want you to quit.

Yeah, but why! Why!

Yeah, why?

Say, maybe Harry knows that
I know something about him

he doesn't want
anybody else to know.

- What do you know?
- I don't know.

And how can I keep
quite about something

when I don't know what
to keep quiet about?

Yeah.

I could blab it out
without knowing it!

What can it be?

Well, maybe it's something
around the office here.

Oh no, anything that
goes on around here

I don't know about
isn't worth knowing.

Well then, it must be
something personal,

maybe it's something
he's hiding in his house.

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

Mom, do you think it will
be alright if we went over

and searched
Uncle Harry's house?

Kim!

I'm surprised at you!

I have scruples!
I have integrity!

And I have the key right here!

And Uncle Harry just flew to
San Francisco, so we'll do it now!

- Now!
- Right now!

It is not only right
to search his house

but if he is on trouble it
is my duty to help him.

- C'mon, Kim.
- Alright.

I'll get it.

Carter's Unique
Employment Agency.

Well, hello little brother!

Ha! It's Craig!

How's it going on school?

Fabulous!

Hold on.

Hi, son!

What's happening?

You've passed every subject!

Oh, that's wonderful!

Listen dear, I've got
some great news too,

Uncle Harry gave me a


What do you think of that?

Craig?

Craig?

Craig?

I hope someone's there
to throw water at him.

Craig?

Hello, Craig!

Mother, what are we looking for?

Oh, I don't know,

but somewhere
hidden in this house

we'll find the reason
Harry is bribing me

with a 50-dollar-a-week raise.

We'll find the secret
to Harry's double life!

Mother, do you really think
Uncle Harry has another life?

Oh, I hope so because
the one's he's got going now

isn't doing a
darn thing for him.

Now come on, keep looking.

Oh, alright, let me
see, in the desk.

Look through everything,
look in everything.

Oh dear, nothing in that.

- Oh, look what I found.
- What?

- Hey, wait a minute!
- What?

- Look what I found!
- What is it?

- An old dance program from
Uncle Harry's senior prom.
- Oh, good heavens.

- This ought to tell us a few stories.
- Yeah.

Oh fine, there's only
one dance filled in

and that one's crossed out.

Oh! Ha! What a night!

Oh, if you could only talk!

A teddy bear?

Yeah, it's Harry's
security blanket.

Oh, isn't that cute, I bet he's
kept it ever since he was a baby.

No, he bought it five years ago
when he stopped sucking his thumb.

- Mom! Look what I found.
- What?

Uncle Harry's diary!

Oh, I bet we'll get to the bottom
of this, I can't wait to read it!

Just a moment, Kim!

A diary is an extremely
confidential record

of a person's most secret
revealing inner most thoughts,

now don't you dare read it,

I'll read it.

Ha, "Sunday May 14th 1933."



Well now, there were people
around at that time, you know.

Uh, "tonight I had a date with a
woman who is a wife of another man.

It was Mother's Day and I always
take Mumsy out on Mother's day."

Oh, good heavens and
the rest of it is blank!

That is the only thing
Harry wrote in this diary.

Oh!

Well, he certainly doesn't
have a secret love life.

No, if they ever made
a picture of Harry's life,

he could he could be
played by Doris Day.

But, there must be something
he's hiding and I am going to find it!

I know, Harry knows
something he thinks I know

but I don't know what I know

and he doesn't
know I don't know,

but I know I'll know before he
knows I don't know that I know.

Good morning, Doc.

Well, hi Harry!

I'm glad you're able
to take the day... off.

What's the matter?

Well, it don't matter just...

Well, did you do
what I told you?

Yes, yes I gave my
secretary a $50 a week raise.

Well, what happened!

She fainted too.

Well, why are you
so dejected today?

Doctor, yesterday while
I was in San Francisco

there were burglars in my house.

Burglars?

What did they steal?

Nothing.

Nothing?

Nothing.

Lie down, Harry.

Now, if nothing was stolen

how do you know there was
anybody in your house last night?

Somebody moved my teddy bear.

Harry, to be perfectly frank,

I don't believe there were any
burglars in your house last night.

- You, you don't?
- No

I think it's all
your imagination.

I think you may be starting
a persecution complex.

You, you think I'm
losing my mind?

Probably.

But I wouldn't worry about
it; it will help your golf game.

Guh!

It's a long story Mary Jane,

it all started when Harry
gave me a $50 a week raise.

He gave you a $50 a
week... I think I'm gonna faint.

Well, why should
you be the exception?

Lucy, why did he
give you a raise!

That's what we're
trying to find out.

He has been acting very strange!

Yesterday, he
didn't come to work

and this morning he called and
said he was taking the day off.

What's strange about that?

He has never been out of
the office two days in a row.

Once, he took a
day and a half off

but that was when he
had his appendix removed.

Gosh Lucy, he must
be in terrible trouble!

Ah-huh! I told you!

- For his own good he must be watched
constantly night and day!
- Yeah.

We have just got to do
something to help poor Harry.

Will you help, Mary Jane?

Well, sure what else
are nosy friends for?

Good!

Now, here's what
we'll have to do,

we'll, we'll never let
him out of your sight.

Never!

We'll follow him everywhere.

Everywhere!

Can I take your order,
Dr. Cunningham?

Uh, yes I'll just have
an iced tea, Connie

and Mr. Carter will be
joining me in a minute

he'll have a half of cantaloupe.

Harry! What on
earth has happened?

What's the matter with you?

A ma? Nothing! Nothing!

- Why should you think there's a
matter with me or something?
- What?

I, I'm nerfectly pormal.

I'm KO...

I'm okay!

I'm a nervous wreck!

- Oh, I don't know
what's happening to me!
- Harry. Shh!

- Oh! Oh!
- Harry! Harry!

- Oh! Oh!
- Harry!

Oh, th, thanks, Doc.
I nee, needed that.

It did me a little
bit of good too!

- Sit down.
- Oh yeah.

Get a hold of yourself
for heaven's sake.

Now please, tell
me what's wrong!

Well...

Doc I uh, I, I, I'm sure that I'm
being followed 24 hours a day.

- Followed?
- Yeah.

- By who?
- I don't know!

Knows he's being followed but
doesn't know who is following him.

- Good morning, Mr. Carter!
- Oh!

The, there's, there's
something else, Doc.

What?

I, I, I, feel that people
are staring at me,

friends, strangers,
even my teddy bear.

Harry, it's probably just
the pressures of the office.

No, no, no, no, the office has
never run more smoothly never.

You know, since I
gave her that $50 raise,

Lucille hasn't given me a
moment's aggravation, you know.

- That's fine.
- Yes.

- Ah, Harry?
- Yeah.

It's my duty to tell you

that you are exhibiting the first
teensy weensy little symptoms

of a persecution complex.

Now fortunately
we've caught it in time!

Oh, I hope so, I hope-

You're a doctor will
you tell me something?

Do cantaloupes bleed?

C'mon Harry, let's
get out on the course!

- Good morning, Harry.
- Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

What's wrong with you, Harry?

Wrong?

Why should there be
something wrong with me?

Oh!

Harry,

why don’t you go out
and relax play some golf.

I, I, I, I, can't.

The people from the
income tax bureau

are coming to look
at my books today.

Income tax, oh my gosh!
The one thing I hadn't figured.

What?

Nothing.

So the uh, income tax people are
going to look at your books today, huh?

Yeah.

Is that upsetting to you, Harry?

No, no there's no problem
at all everything's fine, fine.

Ah!

Oh! Oh!

Who are you looking for, Harry?

Well, no, nobody, and thank
heavens he wasn't there.

Well I, I'm gonna
go bu, bu, buy a shirt.

Yeah buy a shirt
Harry. Go buy a shirt.

Yeah, buy a pretty shirt.

Okay, alright.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye.

Kim!

Listen!

Now I know what's
troubling Harry!

He's been cheating
on his income tax!

No question about it!

That's why the
poor man is a wreck.

Of course I'm
gonna help save him.

What else is a
loyal secretary for?

Mr. Carter, your books
are in excellent shape.

Oh, well thank
you sir, thank you!

It's always a pleasure to
do what I can for my country.

I must say with all my years in
the Internal Revenue Service,

you're the only tax
payer I've ever met

who goes with the trouble
of getting a notarized receipt

for an 8 cents stamp.

Well, that's the way I am, I
like everything to be just so.

Well sir, thank you very
much for your cooperation.

- Anytime.
- Hope I'm not too late.

Lucille! Doc!

Are from you from the
Internal Revenue Service?

Why yes, I am.

Oh please, please listen to me,

everybody makes mistakes
give this poor man a break,

he had nothing to do
with those crooked books.

Crooked Books?

Yeah, don't send him to jail

take your pound of flesh but
not off this poor old flabby man!

Lucille!

Don't stop me, Harry.
It's for your own good.

Surely!

Surely! The federal
government knows

that the quality of
mercy is not strained.

It follows like the gentle rain

and that poor snuck
has no umbrella.

Now, certainly the government
should find him guilty

if the poor man were
sane but he's banana's!

We're pleading insanity!

I rest my case.

You! I... I... I...

Harry, Harry.

Harry!

Do you need further proof
of his mental incompetence?

That's why he's
evading his income tax.

I'm not evading my income tax!

Now, that I think of it sir,

your books were in
too good of shape!

As a matter of fact your
books were so perfect

you must be hiding something!

I'm gonna go through them again

and this time with
a fine-toothed comb!

I... Lucille!

It might interest you to know

that everything went
perfect until you came in here!

Harry, Harry I'm just
trying to help you.

You wanna help!

Don't help!

That will help!

- Ah-ha!
- Ah-ha!

- Here's something.
- What?

$300 for entertaining your
psychiatrist at a golf club.

Yeah, oh!

Uh well, this is
my psychiatrist.

Yes, you see he has to take
care of my nervous condition.

Yes, yes.

Playing golf is not a legitimate
expense, it's a pleasure!

Just look here!

I play golf with him and
believe me it's no pleasure!

Disallowed!

Lucille, look what you've done!

You have to open your big mouth!

You couldn't keep quiet!

- Ah-ha!
- Ah ha!

Here's something else!

Well, what! What?

You listed as a business expense a
weekly salary to a Mrs. Lucille Carter

you can't pad your
payroll with relatives!

You're not a politician!

I am not padding my payroll!

This is Lucille Carter
she is my secretary.

- Oh!
- Ha ha!

Lucille Carter, C, C,
C, Carter, Carter, Carter.

Mrs. Carter, we have no record of
you filing an income tax return last year.

Ah-ha!

Oh, but I did! I did!

I did fill out my income tax!

Failure to file is fraud,
you could be sent to jail.

Jail!

Did you hear that?

They could send her to jail!

Oh boy!

[Sings]'Jail! Jail!
The g*ng's all here.

Oh boy, I'm happy!
I'll say I'm happy!

This is my lucky day!

I'm so lucky! She
is going to jail!

- Harry!
- Oh, stop it, Harry!

Stop it!

But I did fill out
my income tax,

I remember putting it an envelope
and putting it in a safe place,

so that I wouldn't
forget to mail it!

I put-

I forgot to mail it.

Well, I can see that
was an honest mistake.

Yes, it was!

No, it wasn't! No, it wasn't!

Yes, it was!

No! No!

Of course, you could be
fined for being delinquent.

Don't fine her!
Send her to jail!

Send her to San Quentin or
maybe they'd reopen Alcatraz.

I'd say, do they send
women to Devil's Island?

I'd love to send
her to Devil's Island!

- Harry! Harry!
- Shh.

It's not a case of going
to jail, it's simply a fine.

- But as for you, sir!
- Oh!

I am going to reexamine your
tax returns for the past three years!

The past three years?

You'll hear from
me sir, and soon!

Oh! Oh! Oh, Doc!

Come over here
and sit down, Harry.

- Harry!
- Don't talk to me.

Don't speak to me!

Lucille, did that old tightwad
really give you a $50 raise?

That does it!

That is the straw that
broke the camel’s back!

- That is the finish!
- Alright, Harry!

- That is the end!
- Harry!

- I have had it!
- Harry!

- I have!
- Harry!

I'll give the $50 raise back!

Harry!