04x18 - Lucy and the Chinese Curse

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-starring Gale Gordon

and Lucie Arnaz.

Break it up.

C'mon ladies get back
and give him some air.

I ah...

Are you sure
you're alright, sir?

You have made 4,000 years
of honorable ancestors happy

by saving the worthless
life of this miserable person.

Oh, well, now it was
the least I can do for

somebody who's country
invented the egg roll.

[Speaking Chinese]

- What happened?
- This lady saved my life.

Well, they were hoisting the safe
up the side of the building see and,

well this morning I
woke up with a stiff neck

and I was walking along like
that and I saw the rope snap

and well I just grabbed him and
got him out of the way, that's all.

Hey, it cured my neck!

Lady, that's a front page
story for my newspaper.

Front page story just
'cause I cured my neck?

No lady, because you
risked your life to save his.

Oh!

Oh, there you are!

Standing around gawking
instead of working at the office!

You know what
this young lady did?

I certainly do.

She took ten extra
minutes for lunch.

Oh, excuse please,

this young lady saved me
from being crushed by this safe.

Right now I would be flatter
than yesterday's wanton.

And that man is
writing a story about it.

He's a reporter.

- A reporter?
- Yes.

Yeah, this story will
hit the wire services.

Why, her picture will be on the front
page of every newspaper in the country.

Oh, that would be
wonderful publicity.

Now, can either one of you
tell me exactly what happened?

I certainly can!

This brave act came
as no surprise to me

stated Harrison Otis Carter

popular president of Carter's
Unique Employment Agency.

Harrison Otis Carter.

Hi there, baby!

Mother, you're a hero!

Oh, the story
about the accident.

Well, I'll be just as happy if they
kept my name out of the papers.

They did.

What!

But they mentioned
Harrison Otis Carter

popular president of Carter's
Unique Employment Agency

three times.

It burns me up how
Harry gets all that publicity.

But mother I thought you said
you didn't care about the publicity.

I don't care about publicity.

I just like to see my
name in the papers.

Oh here, honey.

- I'll get that, you put those
away for me, will you?
- Okay.

Coming!

Lucille, about this
newspaper article.

Yeah, yeah, what about it?

Well, I think it's very unfair.

Oh well, yes it
was a little unfair.

A little unfair?

One of my employees risks
her life to save a total stranger

and the newspaper sees
fit to mention my name

only three times.

Oh!

Oh, Mr. Fong, come in.

Well, what a surprise!

This is an unexpected
pleasure, sir.

You remember Mister...

Very well.

Harrison Otis Carter

popular president of Carter's
Unique Employment Agency.

I read newspaper story.

A small token of my
undying gratitude.

Oh, this really
wasn't necessary.

Oh, it was.

She is such an exceptional
lady; so brave and quick

and yet underneath she
is a fragile lotus blossom.

Lotus blossom no,

lychee nut, maybe.

I regret that my unworthy ancestors
could not see the beautiful angel

who returned my life to me.

Oh, you Chinese do
have a way with words.

I hope we will
always be friends.

Oh, we'll be more than friends.

We will?

Oh yes, it is ancient
Chinese custom.

Person who saves
life of other person

is responsible for other person

until other person joins
dear departed loved ones.

Uh, uh, wait a minute,

are you trying to tell me that,

that I have to take
care of you until

you finally go to that
big pagoda in the sky?

You are now responsible
for me for the rest of my life.

Well, that sounds very unusual.

Mrs. Carter it is Chinese belief
that when you save man from death,

he is reborn.

You have given new
birth to Quon Fong.

Oh.

Congratulations.

You're the mother of
a forty-year-old baby.

- Oh.
- Oh, Kim dear, this is Mr. Fong.

- Mr. Fong this is my...
- I know she is your daughter.

Yes, but how did you know?

Lovely lotus blossom
always has beautiful petals.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Fong.

Oh, that's very nice.

Now Mr. Fong, this
business about being reborn

is a very nice custom,

but after all it is a
Chinese custom.

Yes, and after all if
you look closely at me

you will see that I am Chinese.

Yes, well uh, Mr. Fong
as your new mother...

Mother?

Yeah, well it's a
long story, dear.

What am I supposed
to do for you?

It's not too much bother,

- if Quon Fong is sick
you take care of him.
- Oh.

If he is without
food, you feed him.

If he lose apartment
you give him room.

If he need money,
you give him money.

Wow! That's better than
unemployment insurance!

Well, now suppose she
doesn't want to take care of you.

Oh no, no, no, don't
even think of that.

It will only call down the
curse of 4,000 ancestors on her.

The curse of 4000 ancestors!

I only tried to help you!

Please, Mrs. Carter there
is no need for concern.

I am in good health.

I have nice home, and I
have my own laundry business.

Oh, that's wonderful!

Mr. Fong's in good health
and he has a laundry business.

Right now, laundry
business is lousy.

Oh.

Well, now if that's all that you're
worried about you can forget it.

I'll get you plenty of business.

Uh, we'll get everybody
down at the office building

to send their laundry
to Mr. Fong, huh.

Thank you!

There is an old Chinese
proverb which says,

"It is a wise mocking bird

that does not listen to the
lilting notes of its own song."

Oh.

- That's beautiful!
- Yes.

What does it mean?

Nothing, unless you're
another mocking bird.

I take up too much of your time

you have been more than
generous to this miserable wretch.

I thank you on behalf
of my 4,000 ancestors,

oh honorable adopted mother.

Well, there he goes,
my son the laundry man.

Hi Lucy!

Hello, Mary Jane!

Now how did you know it was me?

Well, I didn't think
it was Orson Welles.

- Listen Lucy.
- What?

Do you remember last week
when you recommended to me

that Chinese laundry?

Sure! I've been
recommending it to everyone.

It's the hottest
laundry on town.

It certainly is.

Look at that.

Oh! Now look,

are you sure it wasn't like
that when you bought it?

Of course not!

That man should be
put out of business!

I'm gonna sue him
for every cent he's got!

Oh no, no, no, Mary Jane!

Now, now we can't do that.

We've gotta keep
Quon Fong in business!

Do you wanna louse me up
with his 4,000 dead ancestors?

Lucy, on your good days
you don't make much sense

and this isn't even
one of your good days!

Alright Mary Jane I'll
be right with your, father.

Harry why are you
dressed like that?

I'm praying for my laundry.

This is the result of the magnificent
efficiency of your laundry man Quon Fong!

What happened?

Well, I told him the collar was
frayed to reverse it and he did.

It has taken me 45
minutes to get to the office,

I had to hear 3 confessions!

Well, why didn’t you
wear another shirt?

"Well, why didn't you
wear another shirt?"

Because, she had me send them
all to that starch happy Charlie Chan!

- Now Harry...
- Mother!

What's with you and
all the safety pins?

Every single one of
my buttons is missing

on every single
one of my blouses!

Well, now that's
not so terrible!

Well, you wouldn't appreciate
someone losing all of their buttons

because you never
had all of yours.

Oh, Harry.

Mother, Mr. Fong has ruined
everything we've sent him.

He certainly has.
Look at this Kim.

Look what he did.

Oh!

Yeah well, I guess I better
straighten this out right away.

Alright, I'll go right down
to Quon Fong's laundry.

C'mon Kim.

Well, Mom, what about the
curse of his 4,000 dead ancestors?

Confucius say, curse
of 4,000 dead ancestors

no match for curse
of one live red head!

This keeps happening
over and over!

I gave you the ticky, why
can't you find my washy?

Please lady, speak English.

I'll go look for
your wash again.

Gee, for a c*ck laundry
they're sure doing a lot of business.

Yeah.

I don't understand it.

This place is jammed
and he's work is terrible.

Yeah well, maybe we just had some
bad luck on the stuff we sent him.

Could be just a
coincidence, you know.

Well, it could be.

You better take a number, mom.

- What?
- Over there.

Oh!

How can you tell
what number you are?

I don't know.

What number are you, sir?

You're after me
and I'm after her,

and she's after him
and he's before me.

Well, how can you tell?

Well, that's the order
in which we walked in!

Say, it sure is crowded in here.

This must be a pretty
good laundry huh?

The worst.

The worst?

I'd rather take my shirts
to a do-it-yourself car wash

but I've been coming
here for three years.

How come?

I saved him from
being run over by a bus.

Ah huh, are you a
regular customer here?

Oh, yes!

I wouldn't take my laundry
to anyone but Mr. Fong.

Oh.

I bring it all the way
down from San Francisco.

All the way from
San Francisco! Why?

'Cause I once saved him from
jumping off the golden gate bridge.

Oh.

Did you save his life too?

Yeah, last summer at Malibu

I saved him from drowning
and broke my shoulder!

How did you break your shoulder?

Well, he started
yelling, "Help! Help!",

so I ran and took a dive
off the pier to rescue him,

and the water was
only up to his ankles.

Well, tell me this, if he
keeps doing such a lousy job,

why don't you take your
laundry someplace else?

What?

And have 4,000 dead
Chinese mad at me!

Oh, c'mon you don't believe
in that kind of silly superstition.

Superstition nothin', I stopped
coming in here for a while

and believe me, oh
boy, the roof fell in!

What happened?

My house, the roof fell in!

Oh.

I tried switching
laundries once.

I lost my job, I wrecked my car,

my house was robbed,
I lost my boyfriend,

broke my glasses and everything.

And you all think that
Quon Fong's ancestors

were responsible
for all your bad luck?

- Uh-hum.
- Definitely!

Why I stopped coming in
here the first week in February

and then wham, the earthquake!

The earthquake?

That's when the roof fell in.

Oh, well come now,
it's silly to think that

Quon Fong might have
caused the earthquake.

It may be silly but let's
face it, China is down there!

Well, Kim I guess we're gonna be
stuck with a lousy laundry for life.

I'd rather lose all my buttons
than have the roof fall in on me.

I never thought you'd
be that superstitious.

I'm not the least
bit superstitious!

I just don't take
chances. C'mon let's go.

Hold it! Hold it.

- Listen, I have an idea.
- What?

Well, if Mr. Fong saved your life that
would make him responsible for you, right?

Right!

Well wouldn't that cancel out
you're being responsible for him?

Yeah.

That might work.

Oh, Kim that's wonderful.

Sometimes you
think just like I do.

Thank you, Mom.

I know you meant
that as a compliment.

Everything is coming
along fine, Mom.

I hope Mr. Fong
enjoys the dinner.

Oh, he will.

There!

There, how does that look?

It looks like you just
ruined our banister.

Well, it'll be
worth it if it works.

Well, if what works?

Well now, at the proper moment,

see, I'll go upstairs and when I
come down I'll call to Mr. Fong

- to attract his attention, see.
- Ah-huh.

And he'll look towards
me, I'll lean on the railing,

it'll break Mr. Fong
will run to catch me

and he will save the worthless
life of this miserable person.

Mom, that's great!

But supposing
that it doesn't work.

Well, I don't see any
reason why it won't,

but if it doesn't, we
will proceed to plan B.

Which is?

Oh, the old shaky
ladder routine.

Yeah, see I'll pretend
to fix that light bulb, see?

- Yeah.
- I've unscrewed that

and I'll climb up the shaky ladder
and when I get Mr. Fong's attention

I'll time my fall so that
he'll have to catch me.

Mother, you are so
sneaky and so tricky

it's amazing you never
became a politician.

Oh, that must be Mr. Fong!

- Oh, uh, I'll just be natural.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mr. Fong, please come in!

Oh, I am so glad you
could come to dinner.

I am honored that
you should invite me.

Oh, flowers again?

Yes, in case I should
overlook Mother’s Day.

Oh.

Good evening, Mr. Fong.

Good evening,

the radiance of your
smile is the sunflower

that brightens the
garden of happiness.

Oh boy, if you could just put some
of that soft soap into your wash.

Please make yourself
at home, Mr. Fong.

- Kim, you show Mr. Fong
where the hors d'oeuvre are.
- Yes.

Would you please
excuse me for a moment?

Right this way, Mr. Fong,

just sit down.

I hope you like
these hors d'oeuvres.

They're homemade mother
thawed them out herself.

Thank you, young lady there's
a button missing on your blouse.

I think I got some like
it down at the shop.

You certainly do.

Uncle Harry, we
weren't expecting you.

Well I'm sorry, dear. I didn't
mean to barge in like this

but the big fight is on tonight
and my TV set is on the blink.

- Oh. well.
- That's why I came over.

Oh!

Well, you better tell your
mother she has termites.

Well, oh uh, Kim would
you get me a cool drink?

- Oh well I uh...
- I like to have a cool drink
while I'm watching the fight.

Thank you dear very much!

Oh... uh!

We meet again, the Jack the
Ripper of the laundry business.

Say, have you ever
seen Kid Jacobs fight?

No, I rarely watch fights.

My favorite sport is ping pong.

I used to be known
as ping-pong Fong.

Oh, really yeah.

Well, you ought to watch him,

you ought to watch him
because he does to his opponents

what you do to shorts.

He stiffens them.

[TV] What a fight, they're
both throwing haymakers

Kid Jacobs lands a hard left

but Freddy the Fox throws a
right to the mid-section in return

and he's down! He's down folks!

Kid Jacobs is down!

Oh, Mr. Fong!

Yes, honorable mother!

Honorable mother has termites.

Sit. Sit.

Harry, I didn't
know you were here.

Quiet, quiet, Lucille
the fight is on.

- Here, Uncle Harry.
- Thank you, thank you!

Oh, I didn't notice that bulb
was out in the chandelier.

Oh, that's right.

I better fix that.

Why don’t you go
check the dinner, dear.

I'll leave and go
check the dinner.

Yeah.

Help!

Help!

Someone help me!

Help! Help! Help!

Oh, put me down.

Now, just what was
that for? I saved your life!

Harry, I didn't want
you to save me.

I'm trying to get
Mr. Fong to save my life.

Why?

Because if he saves my life

that would cancel
out my saving his life.

You understand?

- Ah, you have a very good idea.
- Thank you.

But it won't work.

What you have a better idea?

Yeah, I'll tell you
exactly what we'll do.

Now you go ahead
with your dinner, see,

now when I come back
in you play along with me

and don't say anything dumb.

Well, do the best you can.

Mr. Fong dinner's ready.

Delicious dinner Mrs. Carter
you are a marvelous cook.

Thank you.

Someday, I must give you
wonderful Chinese recipe

which has been in my
family for generations.

Quon Kung Chow Hink!

Quan Kung Chow Hink?

Yes, in English it's
called Gefilte fish.

Well, I'd love to
have that recipe.

Stick em' up!

I want your money,
your furs and your jewels!

And to show you that I mean
business I'm gonna k*ll you first!

Help! Help! Help!

Hi-ya!

I think you taught him a lesson!

I think you taught
that man a lesson!

Good heavens
mother, what happened!

It was a burglar and
he was gonna k*ll me!

Oh, Mr. Fong you were so brave!

Oh, it was nothing; besides
ping-pong I'm expert at Karate!

Oh, yes you certainly are, well
thank heavens you were here.

You saved the worthless
life of this miserable person.

Well, I'm happy to have
saved your life and I, oh!

My 4,000 genuine red-headed ancestors
thank you for giving me a new life.

[Speaking Chinese]

What's that mean?

You can't win them all.

You save my life, I save yours.

Honorable ancestors
call it honorable standoff.

Oh, I see.

Goodbye, lovely lotus blossom.

Goodbye, Mr. Fong.

Kim, it worked!

- It really worked!
- I know!

And Uncle Harry was fantastic!

- He acted as though
he was really hurt!
- Yeah.

Who was acting?

Oh, I'm sorry Harry.

I didn't know it but unfortunately
Mr. Fong knew a little bit about Karate.

He knew a lot about Karate!

I noticed you seem to enjoy
seeing me getting clobbered.

How can you say that.

- I got him off you
as soon as soon as I could.
- Well.

That's right Uncle Harry
you owe mother in apology,

- she practically saved your life!
- Yeah.

What?

- Mother saved your life!
- That's right!

God bless you my child.

Lucille, you have
saved this worthless life

of this miserable person.

Oh no!

And according to
my 4,000 ancestors,

you are responsible for
my health and well being

for the rest of my life.

Oh, he's just kidding you, mom.

Now lately, I've been
having trouble with my laundry

so when you do my shorts
don't put too much starch in it.

I like to sit down occasionally.

He's not kidding you, mom.

You will clean my house
Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.

And then twice a week you will
wax and polish my automobile.

Oh, Harry! No!