04x19 - Lucy's Replacement

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-starring Gale Gordon

and Lucie Arnaz.

Ha-ha h*-h*, oh, oh.

What in the world!

Mr. Carter will be back shortly.

What?

Mr. Carter will be back shortly.

Who said that?

Who said that?

Good morning,
Lucille. What's new?

What's new?

I come to work
and I find this, this-

Oh that.

Yes, isn't it beauty?

Well, what is it a left
over from Star Trek?

It just talked to me!

Well naturally, I programmed it to
give that message during my absence.

Now that I've returned I
will cancel the message.

What is it doing here Harry;

it looks so expensive
how'd you get it?

Well my friend Al Rylander
developed this computer.

- It's here as a test.
- Oh.

If it works out I'll be able
to lease it for a peanuts.

Well, that sounds like
your rate of exchange.

What else does it do?

Everything!

Nothing is impossible
for EXMO III.

Wow!

EXMO III?

Yes, experimental
model number three,

- they call it EXMO for short.
- Oh.

Oh yes, it does our files,
it takes care of the books,

it takes dictations, it
answers phone, everything!

- Well, that's fantastic.
- Yeah!

Gosh Harry, if it
answers the telephone,

and balances the books,
and takes dictations,

the day will come when the business
man won't need secretaries anymore.

Bull's eye!

That day has come.

What do you mean?

Lucille, I regret to inform you but
your services are no longer required.

Your firing me!

Well, nothing personal it's
only in the interest of efficiency.

Harry!

You're not serious about
replacing me with a machine!

But you can't be that heartless!

That's not fair
Harry, it's just not fair!

- After all the loyal service
I've given you.
- Lucille?

Oh, I don't care for myself; it
doesn't matter if I have to go hungry,

but my children,
my poor little babies!

What babies?

Kim and Craig are
practically grown up.

They are still my babies!

You have no sense
of loyalty, none at all!

And then at my age it will be
hard for me to get another job.

They just don't hire people
over fourt, fourt, thirty.

It will be even
harder at your age.

Lucille please, please,
Lucille calm down, calm down!

I've already gotten
you another job.

I don't want another job!

It pays fifteen
dollars more a week.

When do I start?

At nine in the morning,

the Great Pacific
Insurance Company.

Now I repeat, nine o' clock in
the morning. There's the address.

Thank you!

Harry, I'll tell you something,
you're going to miss me!

Oh, I am, I am.

You're gonna miss me plenty!

Just wait till this thing of
yours here blows a fuse

and starts making mistakes!

EXMO never makes mistakes.

Well, bully for EXMO!

Uh, tell me Harry,

Uh what happens when you want
to send it out for a cup of coffee?

Oh, I'm glad you asked.

Just the way I programmed it,

hot and black.

Well, I gotta hand
it to you Harry,

you have the perfect secretary,
lots of work and no salary.

Yes, EXMO and I are
going to be very happy.

Oh and uh, good luck
in your new job, Lucille.

Oh, good luck to you to Harry,

and I hope you and EXMO have a
wild time at your Christmas office party.

- Carter!
- Yes!

Yes, sir!

While walking around the office

I detected a definite lack
of coordination in typing!

Oh, I did too, I think it's
somebody back there.

Look to your own fingers.

Oh, well it could've been me.

- It was you!
- Yeah, it was me.

Ladies!

I'm here to have you report to the
executive office for more dictation.

Ready!

Not you.

Not me?

- Practice.
- Yes, sir.

Now, you will practice
to our typing tempo tune.

Yes, sir.

Ready?

Practice.

Ow!

Hi, mom.

Oh!

Hi, baby. What
are you doing here?

I had to come over
and see it for myself.

Is it still as bad
as you said it was?

Oh, it's worse you wouldn't
believe what it's like around here,

such regimentation!

You don't believe it!

From morning till night,

bing bong stand at attention,

bing bong sit at the desk,

bing bong start typing,

tiddlela-dee, tiddlela-dee,
tiddlela-dee, tiddlela-dee,

bing bong refreshment break,

bing bong sit at the desk,

bing bong type again,

tiddla-dee, tiddlela-dee,
tiddlela-dee, tiddlela-dee...

And that manager, I'd like to
kick him right in his bing bong!

It's really miserable!

I've only been here two
days and I'm going nuts.

Oh Mom, you don't
have to take this!

Why don't you just quit!

Oh, I don't think they
have a bing bong for that.

You know Kim I gotta admit it,

I miss the old job,

at least it had a
personal touch.

Yeah, but that person
was Uncle Harry!

Well, but at least he was human.

Well, almost human.

You don't suppose Uncle
Harry misses me do you?

Well, I don't know?

I wonder if he does.

Well, if you really want to know

I could casually drop
by the office and find out.

Oh, would you? When?

- Right now!
- Oh, you're a doll.

Bing bong kiss mother,

bing bong leave office.

Bing bong wave good bye.

Did you have a nice lunch?

Oh, sorry I keep forgetting,
you're just a machine.

Dictation, this letter-

Reject! Reject!

Reject?

What do you mean reject?

I am programmed to take
dictation from 9:00 a.m. to noon.

It is now 2:02 p.m.

You're right, sorry.

Bills payable, the first bill...

Reject! Reject!

What now?

I am programmed to send out
bills from 1:30 p.m. to 2:00 p.m.

It is now 2:03 p.m.

Accounts payable.

Reject! Reject!

Why the reject this time?

I am programmed to compute
accounts payable from 3:00 to 3:30 p.m.

It is now 2:04 p.m.

I know how to tell the time!

Now you listen to
me, I am the boss!

I give the orders and
you carry them out,

quickly, efficiently,
and without...

Steady, steady, Harrison.

It's just an overgrown fuse box.

It is 2:05, refreshment break.

That does it!

No one tells me
when to do anything!

Oh yeah.

The same to you.

You've only been here two days,

and already I've
learned to hate you!

You're never
wrong, always right!

If I'd wanted someone
who is always right

I'd have gotten
married years ago!

Oh, I wish Lucille was back!

Did I say that?

Yes, I said it.

I said it and I'm glad, glad,
glad, glad, glad na-na-na.

Oh.

Lucille, I miss you.

I wouldn't admit that to anyone
in the world, but I do miss you.

You were human,

you made mistakes.

Maybe I did yell at
you a little too much but,

all us nice guys do that.

Lucille right now, I want to
apologize for all the mean and...

Boy, I am cracking up.

Oh, well I'm talking to
machines and empty chairs.

Oh, oh I'm, I-

Hello!

Kim dear, oh come in, come in.

Oh, it so nice of you
to come by to see me!

Well, I just came by to see how
you're getting along without Mom.

Oh, oh fine, fine.

Oh, oh, uhm EXMO here
is the epitome of efficiency.

He's uh, never wrong.

He?

Oh, EXMO is a he, yeah.

Well, you two certainly
are the odd couple.

Yeah.

Oh, well now sit down dear, sit down
please make yourself comfortable.

- Let's chat for a little while shall we?
- Alright.

Oh, yes.

What would you
like to chat about?

Your mother.

Mother?

Eh, I mean about her
new job as secretary.

How is the high priestess
of hunt and peck?

Just fine, just fine!

Good, good and does
she still have her job?

Well of course she
does, Uncle Harry!

They love her over there.

In fact they never make
a move without her.

You never saw such togetherness.

That's nice.

EXMO and I are
one happy family too.

Well good, good.

Well Uncle Harry, I'd better be
going I just came to see how you were.

Oh, it's so nice
seeing you, dear.

Uncle Harry,

did you know that part of your
happy family was hanging loose?

Oh, ah, that uhm, oh yes, yes.

Well, you see, dear ah, even
EXMO has to rest once in a while.

It's 2:09 refreshment
break ends in one minute.

Oh, you see?

EXMO takes very good care of me.

Well, it's pretty
remarkable alright.

Well good bye, Uncle Harry.

Mm, good bye dear.

Oh, it's so nice
of you to come by.

Yeah, listen you're sure
everything is alright now?

Oh, fine, fine yeah.

Good, bye-bye.

Good, good bye, dear.

- Good bye!
- Bye!

I told you I didn't want
coffee, dumb dumb.

Oh!

Ooh!

So, what else did
your dear uncle say?

Well, that's about it,

and the only reason I
told him you liked your job

was because he
said he was so happy.

Oh, how can he be happy?

He doesn't have
anybody to yell at.

You know, I tell you what
burns me up the most,

being replaced by a
computer, a machine!

I know.

But there's one consolation,

people have one
advantage over computers.

We think, we know
what we’re doing.

There's no-

Oh!

Well, that's what I
call a tossed salad.

Oh, what a mess!

Oh and now this thing's
broken. Look it won't run!

Oh, here let me
see if I can fix it.

Oh, dear!

Oh, oh look at this I may
have invented a new taste thrill,

chocolate cake with onions.

- Hey, Mom.
- What?

You know machines and
electrical gadgets do break down.

You're telling me.

Well, Uncle Harry's EXMO
is an electrical gadget.

So?

Well, it might break
down with a little help.

What do you mean?

Well you remember that guy I
dated occasionally Joe Hackley?

You mean the funny
looking guy with the glasses?

Never mind.

Anyway, he's
majoring in Electronics,

and he works a lot with
the computers at college.

Yeah.

Well, what say we drop in at
the office early tomorrow morning

and let Doctor Joe
operate on old EXMO?

Kim that is sneaky,
underhanded, and very unethical!

Yeah.

And that's just why I like it.

How you doing, Joe?

I'm getting there,
I'm getting there.

Honey, it's getting so late,
you better watch for Uncle Harry!

Alright.

Come on Joe hurry up, hurry up!

Oh! Uncle Harry just
got out of the elevator!

You have to go out that way!

Come on, we can go out this way.

Just one thing, don't bug me.

Dictation.

Reject! Reject!

What do you mean reject?

It is now five minutes past nine

and you are programmed to take
dictation from 9:00a.m. till noon!

I am programmed to take
dictation from midnight to 3:00 a.m.

Midnight to 3:00 a.m.?

Have you flipped a fuse!

Yesterday you told me dictation
from 9:00 a.m. to twelve noon!

Now make up your
computer freaking mind!

You ridiculous, you,
don't lose your temper!

Control yourself,
calm down, calm down.

Have a cup of coffee and relax.

Where's the coffee?

Oh!

There's still no coffee!

Where's my coff...

You know I don't take cream!

You struck me!

Stay up there!

I wonder what made this
stupid thing go on the blink.

Well there's a loose wire.

Huh, there's another one.

Oh!

Oh, you...

- Good morning, Harry.
- Oh!

Are you trying to bring
back the turkey trot?

Oh, uh no, I'm doing
the one legged jog.

Everything alright
with my successor?

Oh fine, fine, yeah well it
has a screw loose somewhere

but working with you
so long I'm used to that.

Oh, well I uh, I just dropped by

to pick up a few things I
left in the storage room.

Well, help yourself.

You sure everything's
alright with EXMO, huh?

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Lucille?
- What?

I want to ask you something.

What? What?

Would you consider?

What, Harry?

Would you come
back to work for me?

Well!

I, I'll give you five dollars more
a week than you're getting now!

Well Harry,

for old time's sake I will.

Oh, thank you.

- I'll, I'll be right out, Harry.
- Yeah,

thank you.

Well good bye, you
mechanical monstrosity!

Malfunction! Malfunction!

I was sabotaged at 8:43 a.m.

My wires were switched!
My wires were switched!

My wires were switched!
My wires were switched...

Oh, Lucille!

Yes, Harry?

Come out here please.

Alrighty, here I am.

Now Lucille, we have
a lot of work to do.

Yes, sir.

- You must catch up on your filing.
- Yes, sir.

- You must do the books.
- Yes, sir.

But first, you must show me

how you switched the
wires on the computer.

Yes, sir.

You know?

I surmised.

Lucille.

What?

I have just two
words to say to you.

Oh, well what are they, Harry?

Welcome home.

Oh!

Oh, Harry.