04x22 - Lucy's Punctured Romance

[bunniefuu]

[Announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-starring Gale Gordon

and Lucie Arnaz.

Lucy what's taking so
long, I have to leave!

Coming, Mary Jane. Coming.

Oh! That is gorgeous!

What an outstanding outfit!

Lucy, it makes you
look ten years younger!

Ten years younger than what?

That's a compliment;
fill in your own lie.

Tell me what's your
new boyfriend like?

Well, here hold this for me.

Does he have a nice personality?

Does he have a job?

Does he have a friend?

Alright now, he's
name is Bob Collins

and he's very good looking
and he loves dancing,

he's a wonderful dancer!

Oh! And where did you meet him?

At the supermarket,

I was coming out of the
Delicatessen Department

and I dropped my knockwurst

and before I could pick it up

this big handsome man
gallantly retrieved it for me.

Oh Lucy!

And as he bent over he
dropped his sauerkraut

and we wound up dining together
on knockwurst and sauerkraut.

From such tender
beginnings dreams are made.

To say nothing of
a little heartburn.

- Hey!
- Hmm.

My date has two extra tickets for the
studio masquerade party tomorrow night.

Why don't you and
Bob come with us?

Oh, I'd like to but
I can't, Mary Jane.

See, I'm cooking dinner
for Bob here tomorrow night

and it's a, you know,
it's kind of important.

Oh yeah, well I
wish you could come

cause masquerade's
are so much fun.

I know. What kind of a
costume are you wearing?

- Well, it's a secret.
- Oh.

But if I have time
tomorrow before the party

I'll come and show it to you.

Oh, I hope you have time...

Oh, that must be Bob!
Wait till you see him!

Oh, really!

Wait till you see him!

- Bob!
- Ah, Lucy!

Bob, this is Mary Jane Lewis,
Mary Jane, this is Bob Collins.

- Oh, how do you do?
- Oh, how do you do?

Ms. Lewis is it?

Uh, unfortunately yes.

- Uh, why don't we sit down
and be comfortable?
- Yes.

Oh Lucy, I have to leave now
but it's been very nice meeting you.

Yes, nice meeting
you too, Ms. Lewis.

Excuse me.

Where are you
rushing off too, dear?

To the supermarket.

I'm gonna spend the
evening dropping knockwurst.

Oh Lucy, you look ravishing.

Oh, Bob.

No, you know, you are
truly a very beautiful woman.

- Oh c'mon!
- No, no, no, you're gorgeous!

- I am not!
- I say you are.

Alright, I give up. You win!

- Well, you all set?
- Yeah, yeah I'm all set.

Kim darling, we're leaving!

Hold it! Mother, wait a minute!

- Hold it!
- What it is? What is it?

- Uh, good evening, Mr. Collins.
- Oh yes, good evening, Kim!

Mr. Collins I'd like to make
a few things very clear.

Yes?

There'll be no drinking,
no parking on lonely roads

and please have her
home by 12 o'clock.

Yes ma'am, yea ma'am.

Do you have to be in that early?

My school bus
picks me up at 7:15.

Goodnight.

Goodnight! Have fun kids!

Oh, good morning, honey.

Ha! Ha! Good morning!

Well, the party girl must've
had a real blast last night.

I had a fabulous time!

Oh, what a dancer he is!

You know I didn't know
I could do the Tango.

The Tango, wow!

Was that before or after
you did the bunny hug?

Alright, eat your breakfast.

Milkman!

Oh, come in, Mr. Larson.

- Good morning!
- Good morning!

Morning.

- Have you heard the latest?
- What?

The Wilson's down
street are splitting up.

Oh, too bad.

I know it was coming,

three weeks ago when they
cut their yogurt order to a half!

Oh!

You milkmen know all
the neighborhood gossip,

have you ever thought
about writing a column?

My wife called her
h*m* Walter Winchell!

So, it's was a real fun
evening last night, huh mom?

Oh, it was such a great evening!

It's been years since I met a
man as nice as Bob Collins.

Oops! Butterfingers me!

Oh my!

Oh my they're all smashed!

Oh! Will I be in trouble
with the big brass.

Too bad Mr. Larson but
good luck at your court martial.

- I'm going to get my things together, Kim.
- Alright, okay.

Oh, Oh! Ooh my, my, my.

Does dropping eggs
always affect you this way?

No! No!

But when I heard your mother
mention that name Bob Collins

I just went bananas!

Bob Collins, what about him?

I'm tossing my professional
ethics aside when I tell you this,

but do you know what I leave
at his apartment every morning?

No, what do you leave?

Five quarts of orange juice.

Does the FBI know about this?

You don't understand!

Some people mix orange
juice with liquor for wild parties

and there's girls running in
and out of his pad all the time.

Pad means apartment.

Oh.

I'm telling you that Bob
Collins is a real swinger.

Swinger means wolf.

I know that.

A nice lady like your mother
should not be gallivanting about

with a playboy
character like that!

Well, are you sure
of your information?

Cross my heart and hope to die,

may my sweet cream
curdle if I tell a lie!

Gee, my mother seems
to like him so much!

Well, I think you should do everything
you can to make it splitsville with them.

That means breaking it up.

I know, I know.

Mother!

Yeah.

Uh, do you have
time for a little talk?

Well now, sure, if I left
now I'd be on time for work,

I don't wanna start
any bad habits.

What do you want, baby?

Oh well, could we sit down
it might take a few minutes?

Ooh, that serious, huh. Okay.

First let's get some
fresh air in here, huh.

Mother, when are you gonna
get those French doors fixed?

We've had them
fixed three times;

that still the only
way they'll open.

Now what is the problem, dear?

Well, just what do you
know about this Bob Collins?

Well, I um, I...

Hey, who's problem
is this yours or mine?

Mother, how much do
you know about him?

Well, I know that he
graduated from Carnegie Tech

and that he's a field
representative for some company,

and he's very nice

and he Tango's better
than Rudolf Valentino.

That's everything you know?

Kim, what's this all about?

Well Mother, you
just can't be too careful

and it's been sometimes
since you stayed out

till all hours of the night.

I got in a little after 12!

It was 2:35!

I should never have
taught you how to tell time.

Mother, you don't realize it but
you are very innocent and naïve.

Oh, I am?

Yes, you are!

Well, now since we
are being so frank,

do you mind if I ask you a
question that has been bothering me

for a very long time?

Go ahead.

What's this I heard about
the birds and the bees?

Mother.

"Mother!"

Mother!

"Mother!" Bye bye, baby.

Oh, pooh!

- Uncle Harry, - Hmm.

- Is the coast clear?
- Oh, yeah!

- Come in dear, come in, your
mother is still at lunch.
- Good.

Come in, come in. Have
a seat, sit down, sit down.

Now, tell me what
seems to be your problem?

Well, you know about this Bob
Collins mother's been going out with?

Yes, yes, as a matter of fact I'm
invited to dinner tonight to meet him.

Yeah, I know.

Well our milkman says that this
Mr. Collins is the worst kind of wolf.

Oh, your milkman says that?

Yes!

And I checked his
story out with a friend of

mine who lives in
Collins' apartment house

and believe me there are more girls
running in and out of there than the YWCA!

Well, well now have you
mentioned this to your mother?

Well, Uncle Harry I tried to but
I, I couldn't even get to first base.

But I think I know a
way to handle this.

How?

Well, when you come over this
evening, we could put on a little act

to discourage this
cut rate Casanova.

Uh, a little act?

What I was thinking was,

it might scare him off if he thought
our family was a bunch of nuts!

Well, alright it
might, it might.

On the other hand
that nutty quality

might be what attracted him
to your mother in the first place.

No, I mean that we're
gonna have to make him think

that we're all a
bunch of weirdo's!

Oh! Oh.

Hey, it might turn
him off real fast if he

thought Mother were
anxious to get married.

That's good, that's
good yeah, yeah.

Wait a minute.

If your mother got married
she'd have to quit as my secretary.

Oh, that would be wonderful.

Besides making this wolf think
mother's anxious to get married...

The door's open, darling!

Thanks, p*ssy cat!

Hi, Lucille.

Oh! Uncle Harry.

I'm glad you got here early

I wanted to tell you to
remember to speak very clearly

and distinctly when you talk to
Mr. Collins he's hard of hearing.

Bob is hard of hearing?

Where did you get that idea?

Mr. Larson told me.

Gosh, I didn't know he had a
hearing problem, he never told me.

- Well, he's probably
sensitive about it.
- Yeah.

Oh! Mr. Larson says that
Mr. Collins reads lips very well

- and besides he has a
brand new kind of hearing aid.
- Oh.

It's connected in his cufflinks.

- His cufflinks?
- Yeah.

Oh, I wonder if he's heard
half the things I've said to him.

I'd sure settle for half the
things you've said to me.

Alright, Harry!

Ooh uh, mother I think I
smell the roast burning.

Oh! Oh!

- Oh boy! Did she fall for that
hearing aid thing, great!
- Yeah.

Now look, what about
the wedding dress?

Right in the closet,
he can't miss it.

Good, good, now we better
catch Mr. Collins at the door

- before he rings the bell.
- Good idea.

Oh, say do you still intend
to spike his hors d'oeuvre?

I've got a little
spike right here.

What's in it?

Tabasco sauce, Cayenne pepper,

hot mustard, and
Towaco chili peppers!

Boy that will get him.

He'll be the only wolf in
town with curled fangs.

Oh, he's coming! Okay.

- Good evening, Mr. Collins!
- Oh! Good evening, Kim! Good evening!

Won't you come in. This is
my Uncle Harrison Carter.

Oh, how do you do
Mr. Carter so nice to know you.

- It's a great pleasure knowing you, sir.
- Thank you, sir.

- Oh, won't you let me put that
in the closet for you?
- Oh, thank you.

- Lucy has, has...
- Oh, would you mind holding this for me

I don't wanna rumple
it looking for a hanger.

Oh.

Really Kim your mother's still

keeping her wedding
gown in the hall closet.

Well, she likes to keep it
handy you never can tell.

How true, true, ha ha ha!

Excuse me, did I miss something?

Uh, no, no, it's just a
little family joke. Ha, ha!

[Sings] Dad dum
tadam, da daum tadam.

Uh, it, it will be nice having
you in the family, old chap.

Now the roast was... Oh, Bob!

Hi, Lucy. Hi!

I did not hear you come in!

And it so good to see you,
Bob. So nice to see you again!

Well, I must say I'm,
I'm, I'm, happy to be here.

Thank you!

Harry, why...

- Harry, why don't you make the drinks
I'll go get the hors d'oeuvre.
- Coming right up.

I'll be right back.
Be right back!

I'll be right back!

Tell him I'll be right back.

- Mr. Collins, - Yes.

Wouldn't you like
to sit down over here

- we ought to get better acquainted.
- Oh yes. Yes, of course.

Tell me, there's some...

Oh! I'm so anxious
to have a new daddy!

Daddies are such fun!

Yes, that's right, daddies
uh, can be fun alright!

Alright, name
your poison, Clyde!

What?

Oh, just scotch and
plain water, please.

My name is Bob.

Oh, Bob, hmm.

Clyde was my fifth daddy!

Your fifth?

Say, do you want an olive or
pickle in your scotch and root beer?

No, no, no, just plain
and no root beer.

Oh, on the rocks.
Coming up, Chester!

My name is not
Chester, it's Bob!

- Oh.
- Chester was Daddy number three!

But you're nicer than them all.

You're gonna make
a wonderful daddy!

Uh, uh, Kim dear the liquor seems
to be running a little low again.

Oh well, you know mother

ever since she was expelled
from boozers anonymous.

Uh-oh.

There you are, Clyde.

My name is not Clyde
it's Chester... oh Bob.

Bob, gee I never had a daddy
called Bob before, Bob Collins.

Mother always marries men
whose last name begins with C,

that way she never has to
change the initials on her luggage.

The hors d'oeuvre will
be ready in a minute!

Oh.

And wait until
you see that roast!

Wait till you see that roast!

Yes, uh I, I'm
looking forward to it.

Good!

I hope you like
Yorkshire pudding!

Yorkshire pudding! Yorkshire!

You like Yorkshire pudding?

I'll be right back. Tell
him I'll be right back.

Excuse me but I'm
just a little befuddled,

for one thing why is your mother
yelling at me as if I were deaf?

Oh, well that's probably
because she broke her hearing aid

and she doesn't realize
how loudly she's speaking.

What!

I, I didn't know
that Lucy was deaf!

Well, she's very
sensitive about it,

but she reads lips very well.

Well, I must say so far this has
been a very confusing evening.

Nothing confusing about it;

Lucy is just a deaf alcoholic
who's been married six times.

Here we are!

Bob, I hope you like my hors
d'oeuvre I'm rather famous for them!

Why I'm sure that I'll
like anything you'll make!

- Mother, why don't you
let me take those for you?
- Oh, thank you, dear.

Oh uh you two sit down, sit down,
I wanna show you a card trick!

- Please, sit down!
- Card trick?

Oh yes, you'll
love this! Sit down.

I didn't know you
did card tricks.

Oh yes, yes, I do
them all the time.

Here now, Bob you just take one,

anyone at all it doesn't
matter, don't show it to anyone.

Alright, now watch the cards.

Two of clubs!

You're right! Two of clubs!

Oh, Bob isn't that great!

Yeah now, I'll do
another one for you!

Oh Harry, I don't think
we have time for anymore.

- Oh, you don't wanna see anymore?
- No, um Mr. Collins.

- Yes.
- More hors d'oeuvre for you?

- Oh, thank you.
- Mother?

- My Uncle Harry.
- Thank you dear, thank you.

Uh, it's my special recipe,
Bob. I hope you approve!

I'm sure I will!

You like em?

He didn't hear me.

You like em?

It's great!

Oh, here have another one.

Excuse me.

I think I'll left my,
my keys in the car!

Bob didn't seem to
be too wild about these

maybe I didn't use
enough seasoning.

Well I, I, ah-hem!

Lucille! Lucille! What
in the worlds a matter?

You must've goofed
on the recipe huh, mom?

No. I did not goof
on any recipe.

Alright! Alright!

Who slipped Bob's hors
d'oeuvre a Mickey and why?

Mickey?

Wha, what in the world
are you talking about?

Well, if neither one of you
knows what I'm talking about

go ahead and have one.

- On no, I had mine!
- Yeah, please have one.

No really, have one.

Go ahead, enjoy! Enjoy!

Enjoy, isn't that great!

Go ahead! Chew it up!

So, you see, Bob they
were just trying to protect me.

- Oh.
- So that's why they were
acting so nutty!

Well, it really
wasn't that nutty

a lot of people have
hearing A*DS in their cufflinks.

Oh you!

Well say, just one thing, how did
the uh, big wolf rumor get started?

Oh, gossip.

You see when Mr. Larson
saw all those girls

running back and forth
from your apartment

he thought you were
running a Harem.

A Harem!

Kim, all you had
to do was ask me,

now I knew about those girls they
work for Bob they sell cosmetics.

- Well, - Oh.

Oh and Mr. Collins,

I made up that whole story about
mother being married six times,

she wasn't even married once.

How's that?

Oh, I mean besides to my father!

Well I, I, you'll
forgive us, Bob!

Oh! I've enjoyed it so far
it's been a real nutty evening.

We're really a
perfectly normal family.

Absolutely just an
average normal family, Bob.

Oh, excuse me.

- Oh! c'mon in, Mary Jane!
- Hi, Lucy!

Hi honey, ha ha ha!

Bob, you remember Mary Jane!

Oh, Ms. Lewis sure
I'd know her anywhere.

Well, I'm going to a
masquerade party.

Oh, that's nice,

what sort of costume
are you going to wear?

Oh, Harry!

Gee, this thing is hot!

How do chickens stand it?

I don't know. I'll let
some cool air in here.

Can I help you?

No, thank you, Bob. I can do it.

♪♪

What was all that?

Oh, that wall has been
out of order for weeks.

Oh.

Hey, is that an
ambulance or a police car?

Sounds like a fire engine!

Sounds kind of close!

Yeah, it sure does!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

- Oh, you're home!
- Yes, we're home!

C'mon you find the fire!

You save the people!

And I'll save the chicken!

Oh! Oh!

Oh. Oh.

This ain't no
chicken it's a dame!

I tried to tell you that,
you wouldn't listen!

I never had a chicken
talk to me before!

Look, there was no fire I
just forgot to turn off the roast.

I'm awfully sorry!

Oh well, that's alright, lady!

Alright fellas, let's go!

- Thank you very much. I'm sorry!
- Let's go!

- Thank you very much!
- Oh! look at this!

Look at this mess

and the dinner's ruined and
we haven't got a thing to eat.

Well, just don't stand
there, Mary Jane,

lay an egg and
we'll have an omelet!

Bob! Bob!

I just don't know what to
say, I'm awful sorry about this.

Oh, think nothing of it. I
haven't had so much fun in years!

You're my kind
of "normal family."

Oh!

♪♪