04x23 - With Viv as a Friend, Who Needs an Enemy?

[bunniefuu]

[Announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-starring Gale Gordon

and Lucy Arnaz.

Surprise!

- Oh!
- Oh, you're surprised!

Oh, honey.

What on earth are
you doing here?

Oh, I just couldn't stand that
snow back East any longer

so I thought I just fly up
to California for a while.

Now, you're staying right
here with us of course.

Oh no, Lucy! I couldn't do that.

Vivian, I insist!

I thought you would.

I've got my bags right here.

We can pick them up later.

Oh honey, you look so great.

How about some breakfast?

Oh, no thanks, honey.

I've already had breakfast.

- You know, I'm three hours
ahead of you.
- Yeah.

I had breakfast
coming out of New York

and then I had breakfast
coming out of Kansas City

and then I had another breakfast
coming out of Albuquerque.

I'll sit with you while
you have yours, huh.

Good, good.

Oh boy, what a surprise for me!

You now, you really
haven't changed a bit.

You haven't either.

- You are just the same.
- So are you.

Isn't it amazing, Viv how
everybody else grows older

and you and I never do.

Well, I don't know about you but I spend
every night in a bath of formaldehyde.

You're kidding.

How long can you stay?

Oh, I don't know.

I may get a job. Stay
out here for about a year.

- No kidding!
- Uh huh.

Well, if you do, you're
gonna stay right here with me.

Oh, Lucy! That's just wonderful.

Thanks, honey.

I just thought you said you
ate your way across the country.

Well, you know, change in
climates makes me hungry.

Yeah, I think eating
makes you hungry.

Are you still working for Harry?

Huh, Harry! Good heavens,
I am so late for work!

I'll see you tonight.

Don't worry Lucy I'll be
right here waiting for you.

Okay.

Harry, now I know I'm late.
Don't get mad, let me explain.

Lucille, Lucille, I am not mad.

Oh.

Just go and punch in
at the new time clock

and I'll deduct the amount
of time from your wages.

Time clock?

Why on earth did you
put that dumb thing in?

Well, it was either get a
time clock, or get an ulcer.

Oh Harry!

You'd better punch in.
You're being docked right now.

I'd like to punch
its sassy face.

Time clock, really!

There, I should've
done that years ago;

not that you do much
work when you are here.

Harry!

The way you talk, you think I
didn't do any work at all around here.

That's about right.

Well, if I'm so terrible,
why don't you fire me.

Oh, don't tempt me!

Okay.

Okay! Okay now this time,
you may have gone too far.

And just what is that
supposed to mean?

Well, after all, I
have my pride.

I may just save you
the trouble of firing me.

I may quit.

Oh, would you please?

Oh well, that does it.

I really mean it.

I may quit.

Well, I really mean
it, I may fire you.

I really quit.

I really fire you.

- I quit!
- You're fired!

Alright, I'm fired!

That way I get my own
employment insurance.

Just a moment please.

I want to be perfectly
fair about this.

If you will punch out,

I'll pay you for the 3
minutes that you were here.

Oh Harry please, keep all that
money as a going away present.

You’re going away
is present enough.

Well!

Alright, Harry!

Good heavens, I overslept!

I'm late again, goodbye dear.

- But Mom! You have...
- I'll talk to you tonight, honey!

- I've haven't got
time... But Mom, you...

I forgot, I don't
have a job anymore.

That's what I was
trying to tell you.

Has Aunt Viv come
down for breakfast yet?

Oh yeah, she was up hours ago.

She already went
downtown to look for a job.

Oh, good for her.

I hope she gets one so
she can stay for a while.

Yeah.

What kind of a job is
she looking for, mom?

Well, secretarial I guess.
That's all she knows how to do;

except eat.

That doesn't pay very well.

What are you gonna do today?

Enjoy!

Enjoy!

I'm going to enjoy
my beautiful house!

Uh-hum.

I'll bet you're
gonna miss your job.

Huh!

I don't know how I stood
Harry as long as I did,

and now with that time clock there,
all that punching in and punching out.

What are you reading?

My chapter for Sociology class.

Oh.

- Wanna hear it?
- No!

[Sings] Hum la la, di da dum...

Mother please!
I'm trying to study.

I'm sorry, dear.

Yes sir, right on, right...

Who are you talking to?

You know, I thought I heard Harry yell
at me to get something out of the files.

Oh boy.

Mother, I think I'd
better go the library if

I ever wanna get this
assignment finished.

Oh, I'll drive you, honey.

I wanna go by the office
and clean up my desk anyway.

Oh and maybe when you're there,
ask Uncle Harry for your old job back.

Oh, don't be silly.

Of course if he apologizes
and begs me to come back,

I might consider it.

I just might.

Harry?

Well hi!

Hi, Viv! What are
you doing here?

I work here.

As what?

As Mr. Carter's secretary.

You? You? Viv?

You mean, you came
in here and stole my job?

Oh no, honey!

I wouldn't do a thing like that.

Now, you said last
night that you'd quit,

you never wanted
to see Harry again

and I was looking for a job,

so I came down here this morning
and applied and he hired me.

Now what's wrong with that?

Everything!

You stabbed me in the
back right under my nose.

Honey, I wouldn't do anything to hurt
our friendship for anything in the world.

Huh! If you cared
about our friendship

you could've at least
talked it over with me first.

Instead you rushed down here
before my typewriter was even cold.

Oh, for heaven's sake,

I should think you'd be happy
to have a friend have your job

instead of some stranger.

Well, as far as I'm concerned,
a stranger did get my job!

Alright Lucille
Carter, that did it.

I'm going to move
out of your house.

Well, you just take
your time Mrs. Jones,

as long as you're out
by tomorrow morning.

Don't you worry, I will be,

right after breakfast.

Now if you don't mind,
I'll clean out my desk.

I have already
cleaned out my desk.

Your junk, is in a
box in that closet.

Thank you.

Mrs. Carter, may I ask who
set up your filing system?

A drunk Orangutan?

Well, perhaps it's too complicated
for one of your intelligence, Mrs. Jones.

Well Lucille.

Sssssssss.

What do you mean, ssssssssss?

What else can you say to
a snake in the office grass!

What are you talking about?

You know very well
what I'm, talking about.

Hiring her!

Well you left and
her applied for the job.

Oh of course, you
immediately hired her.

Well what did you
expect me to do?

Put a rope around your
desk to keep it as a shrine?

Not a bad idea.

Oh, splendid, splendid.

We could also put up a little plaque
saying, "Lucille Carter slept here."

Very amusing.

- Mr. Carter.
- Oh, yes?

- I have 6 letters here
for you to sign.
- Oh.

I made your luncheon appointment
for 1:15 at the Golden Horn.

I had the garage come
by and pick up your car.

I had the broken glass
replaced in the door

and I hired all the
personnel for the auto show.

Well, thank you, Mrs. Jones.

Oh, nothing at all, really.

Well, how do you
like that for efficiency?

Big deal.

Anybody can do that.

Anybody can but
anybody never did.

Well, I have to go.

Well, allow me.

Uh, it so happens
that I have several

interviews for important
job with excellent pay

and pleasant employers.

Well, I'm very glad to hear it
but if you want any of those jobs,

you'd better not give
me as a reference.

Sssssssssss.

Well tell me, honey, have you
had any luck with the job hunting?

Well, as a matter of fact,
I've had quite a few that...

No, I haven't had
any luck at all.

Oh, well, something's
sure to turn up.

I hope so.

If it gets any worse I may
have to stand on a street corner

with a violin and a tin cup.

Well, today, lunch is on me.

Oh, thank you, Mary Jane.

Listen Vanda, we've
gotta get to work.

Oh, that's right!

- Good luck with your job, honey.
- Good luck, Lucy!

- Thank you. Bye-bye.
- And we'll see you real soon.

- Thank you, Mary Jane.
- Bye-bye!

For my dog.

Your dog likes olives?

Oh, he loves olives.

Tell him to watch
out for the pits.

- Hi, Mr. Carter.
- Hello, Sam.

Hello, Lucy.

Oh hello, Harry.

Were you leaving?

Uh well, we just finished but I was
going to have some more iced tea.

Do you mind if I join you?

Fine.

Thank you.

Sam, two iced teas, please.

Well, how's everything
going with you?

Fine. Just fine.

How's everything with you?

Oh, couldn't be better.

Have you found a new job yet?

Well, not really.

You see, the problem
is I can't decide

because I've had so many
marvelous offers and actually,

I had been thinking of
doing nothing for awhile.

You know, I thought, perhaps Kim
and I would take a little cruise just to...

- Iced tea?
- Thank you, Sam.

Thank you.

I brought some potato
salad for your dog.

Would you believe that I have a new
little dog that just loves potato salad?

No.

I don't believe you're
going on a cruise either,

unless it's in a rented row
boat on Echo Park Lake.

Well, if you must know, I
haven't had any job offers either.

Oh.

I hear that Vivian
is doing beautifully.

Oh yes.

She's a model secretary.

She's efficient, punctual,
industrious, reliable, eager,

alert, sincere and
a pain in the neck.

Well, the girl said that you-

What?

She's so efficient that I
don't have anything to do.

Oh, I'd give the world for a
lazy bungler who just drags in

whenever she feels like it.

Lucille, I never
thought I'd say this but,

I miss you.

Well now, I can top that.

I miss you!

Oh, Lucille!

Then it's all settled. You
come back to work for me.

Yes, thank you, Harry.

But what about Vivian?

Well, I'll just fire her.

Yes, do that.

- I can't do that.
- Why not?

She hasn't given me any reason.

Oh now look, you help
me think of something.

You're good at tricky
underhanded schemes.

Now just a minute!

Lucille, I meant that
as a compliment!

Well, if that's your idea of a compliment
I hope you don't decide to insult me.

Now look, if I do think
of a way out of this,

and I do decide to come back,

will you get rid
of that time clock?

Oh, gladly.

I never realized that when people
work overtime it'd cost me money.

I'm beginning to look
pretty good to you, huh?

Oh, you certainly are.

Lucille, you're not
much of a secretary

but you're cheap.

Mom's all set, Uncle Harry.

I sure hope this thing works.

If you ask me, it
sounds pretty silly.

Well, I'm not going to ask you.

Oh, she's coming! She's coming.

Lucille! Vivian's coming!

Come in, come in.

Hello.

- Hi there, Kim!
- Hello.

- How are you darling?
- I'm fine.

Mr. Carter, I haven't set
foot in this house in 3 weeks.

Now, why did you
want me to come here?

Um, Lucille wants to see you.

Lucille wants to see me?

Yes, yes. I'll go and get her.

I just can't stand
working for that man.

What!

Oh, he is so inefficient!

He doesn't know
how to do anything!

I'm just sick and
tired of carrying him.

Oh really?

I'm quitting!

I'm quitting but I
don't wanna tell him

because he's going to be
absolutely lost without me.

Oh, Aunt Viv.

When I get back East I'm
going to send him a telegram.

- You're really quitting?
- h*-h*-h*-h*, am I quitting!

What's the matter?

Wait till you see the act
they've got cooked up for you.

An act! Cooked up for me?

Oh yes, to get
mom's old job back.

Oh, they got a little act
cooked up for me, huh?

I better go tell
them to call it all off.

Now wait just a
minute. Don't tell 'em.

Don't tell 'em.

Let them go through
with their little scheme.

Kim, do me a favor.

I've known your mother
longer than you have,

let me have a little fun, huh.

Oh, I don't think
we ought to do that.

Would you do it if I
leave you my mink coat?

- I'll do it.
- Okay.

Lucy? Lucille?

What's the matter with her?

What? What?

She has been like that ever since
she lost her job and you took it.

Oh! Oh that's just terrible.

Yeah, yes. I don't
know what to do about it.

You know, she's in a funk,
that's what she's in, yes,

but you mustn't blame yourself

because it was my fault
for firing her in the first place.

That's right.

Oh, she just looks
absolutely old. So old!

Of course I didn't think she looked
to hot when I first got out here.

Oh, my goodness!

- I'll see if I can wake her up.
- Oh, do you think you could?

- I'll try.
- Try.

Lucille, Lucille,
you have company.

Who are you?

She doesn't even know me!

It's me, Viv.

- Oh, Viv.
- Yes!

Viv who?

Oh my.

Your old friend Viv.

Your old friend who
took your old job.

- Job! Job! Job! Job!
- Easy, easy, easy, easy.

- Job! Job! Job! Job!
- Don't say J.O.B!

- Job! Job! Job! Job!
- Easy, easy, easy, easy.

Oh, she misses the office!

Oh, she misses
her things, darling.

Darling I don't want
you to miss anything,

I'm giving all of your
plants a good home.

Home, home, don't say
home to an old person!

Oh, that upset her.
Easy, easy, easy.

Lucille, what are you doing?

I've gotta get out of this
lame brain wheelchair!

I'm trying to get up except
my ding-dong knees are locked.

Sitting on that damn
thing long enough and-

Oh, who's that pretty girl?

Why honey, that's
your daughter Kim.

I have a daughter?

Yes dear and you
also have a son.

Oh, I always wanted a son.

- What's his name?
- His name is Craig.

- Craig.
- Yes.

And Kim.

Why doesn't somebody
tell me these things!

Now! Now! Calm down
Mother, calm down!

Now remember we told you,
Craig's away on college now

and then after college
he's gonna go and get a job.

Job! Job! Job! Job...

- Oh! Easy! Easy! Easy!
- Job! Job! Job! Job...

Looks like we're gonna have
to turn the hose on her again.

Oh now, she's coughin' again.

Coughin', don't say
coughin' to an old person!

What a terrible, I just can't
get over it, she's falling apart.

Lucy darling, when
did your hair turn white?

When did her hair turn white?

Overnight.

Oh, overnight, darling.

I know what'll make
you feel much better.

I'm going to take
you to a beauty parlor

and you can have a Henna rinse.

What's a Henna rinse?

She's beyond help!

Oh my, this is a terrible
time for this to happen.

I just made up my mind this morning
to quit my job and go back East.

You did?

Yes, but now I'll just have
to stay here and work for you,

and take care of
her until she goes.

- I'm not going!
- Yes you are.

She'll never be
able to work again.

- Oh, yes I will!
- Oh no, you won't!

I've seen these cases
get progressively worse.

Oh, I'm not gonna get
worse! I'm gonna get better.

I'm just fine!

Oh! Easy! Easy!

Do something! Do something!

Ahh!

Well then, Harry, there's
just one thing to do.

I'll just stay here
and work for you

and take care of her
for the rest of her life.

Alright! Everybody off!

Alright now you listen!

What are you laughing at?

Oh, you had a little scheme
all cooked up for me, huh?

You mean, you knew all the time?

Yes, I knew.

Oh Lucy, you make a
darling little old lady, you do.

I hope I'm still around to see
you when you really get like this.

Oh, Viv!

- Lucille.
- What?

If you could stand to work for
Harry, you've got the job back.

You didn't have to go through
with this whole silly plot.

Plot? Don't say
plot to an old person!