04x24 - Kim Finally Cuts You-Know-Whose Apron String

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-starring Gale Gordon

and Lucie Arnaz.

Good morning, Harry.

What's good about
it? You're late as usual.

Oh, Harry, is that all
you ever think about,

how late I am?

No.

Sometimes, I think
about your bad typing.

I think about your
lousy shorthand.

I think about the two
hours you take for lunch.

I think... do you
want me to go on?

No, not necessarily.

Harry, you can say
anything you want

but you cannot put
me in a bad humor.

I had a marvelous weekend.

I spent all day Sunday with Kim.

I knew it!

You had been over at her
new apartment dibbing in again.

Now, Lucille, you had got
to let Kim lead her own life.

I want her to lead her own life!

Oh.

Harry, I know it's perfectly
natural for a girl Kim's age

to want to move away from
home and have her own apartment

and I certainly do not want to be
one of those possessive mothers

who doesn't know when
to cut the apron strings.

Oh, come off it.

Deep down you wish
you were a kangaroo

so you could carry her
around in your pouch!

I don't know what
you're talking about!

Well, maybe you'll know
what I'm talking about

when I say I want copies
of these three letters.

Gee, Harry, you just ought
to see her place at the marina.

It's so cute, the view
overlooking the bay.

- The marina?
- Yeah.

Ba, ba, ba, ba. I
smell a red-headed rat!

You didn't tell me her
apartment was at the marina.

Oh, didn't I?

No, you didn't.

By any chance, is the manager of
the apartment house where Kim lives,

your brother Herb Hinkley?

Yeah, isn't that a coincidence?

Oh, I forgot to tell
you. Kim has a job.

She's working for a
public relations firm.

Oh? What does she do?

Well, this week, her boss
is handling the auto show

and she's going to be
one of those pretty girls

that pose by the cars, you know.

Oh, good for her.

Now, can we get some work done?

Okay, Harry, okay.

Oh! You know somethin'?

Now, really, really, Harry,

I'm not the least bit worried
about Kim living by herself

but I did get a
great book for her.

It's called "Self
Defense for Women."

That's good. Good.

It wouldn't hurt you to
get a copy of the book, too.

Oh, yeah.

You're gonna need self
defense if you don't get to work!

Put some paper in it!

I'm sorry.

Hi, Uncle Herb.

Hi, Uncle Herb!

Ah!

Sorry!

Hi Kim.

Hey, how was the auto show?

Were there any
good foreign jobs?

Uh, yeah,

especially a British race car
driver named Ronnie Cumberland.

Oh?

Did he... did he
ask you for a date?

Um, yeah, I have a date
with him tonight, mother.

Oh, I'm sorry but I told
sis I'd keep an eye on you.

Wouldn't it be easier just
to install a closed circuit TV?

Don't pick on me.
It's your mother's idea.

Go talk to her.

Hey, what are you
doing vacuuming?

Is the maid sick again?

Oh yeah.

Yeah, she's come down
with that mysterious ailment

that only breaks out when the
Dodgers have a home game.

Hey, hey, hey, would you like
to hear the new song I wrote?

What would you do if I said no?

I'd play it anyway.

That's what I thought.

Yeah, I really think
I've done it this time.

Yep, this one is
gonna be a Hinkley hit.

It's a now song.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

It's about these two people
who meet in a health foods store.

You like the title?

- "I'm Organically Yours"?
- Yeah.

Catchy, huh?

Yeah, right in the throaty.

[Sings] I'll meet you
at the health food store,

where shopping is never a bore.

I'll buy you yogurt, wheat germ,

and soybean flour,

milk, and vitamins
for every hour.

I'll serve you sauerkraut
juice from special crocks,

crab apple c*ck
on the rocks,

black strap molasses
with sesame seed,

potassium emulsion
is the thing that I need.

Yes sir!

If you have natural
honey that really pours,

when you're shopping,

I'm organically yours.

I really mean it, when you're
shopping, I'm organically yours.

One more time!

When you're shopping,
I'm organically yours.

Sing it!

But when shopping,
I'm organically yours.

- Yeah!
- I really mean it!

When we're shopping,
I'm organically yours!

How do you like the song?

That's the worst
song I've ever heard.

Yeah?

Well maybe you'd like to hear
the song I wrote about ecology.

What's that? I'm afraid to ask.

It's called, "The
Seagulls Lament".

It goes.

[Sings] We whispered
those three little words

as we wipe the oil off
the birds yeah yeah, yeah.

Never mind.

Listen.

I got a date on Saturday
night with a girl who's...

- She's a little bit younger than I am.
- Uh-huh.

You think I should wear
that new toupee that I bought

and never had the
nerve to put on?

Well, why not?

- This might be your big chance.
- Okay.

I'll do it.

By the way, how
much younger is she?

See you later.

Ally McGraw, eat your heart out!

- Hi!
- Hi, Sue Sue, come on in.

Thanks.

Oh, thanks for
letting me borrow this.

Well, how did your date like
the cheese fondue last night?

Not too well.

He has a beard, you know.

He took two bites,
got a chin full of cheese

and went home very mad.

Oh!

Too bad.

It sounded like a
good idea at the time.

Yeah, well.

Say, were you and Lord Cumberland
going on your date tonight?

Well, probably
just... he's not a lord.

And how did you find out?

Oh, I ran into your
Uncle Herb in the hall.

They ought to rename
this apartment building

"Blabbermouth by the Sea".

You know, Kim, I've
never met a real race driver.

I don't suppose I
could meet one tonight.

- I don't suppose.
- Oh.

Listen, Sue, you can
meet him sometime

but do you mind if I have
one date with the man first?

All right, all right. I
won't bother you tonight.

Okay.

You know, Kim, you're really
lucky working for the auto show.

All I ever meet at the
museum of history are fossils,

and I do mean the men.

Hey, what are you reading?

Really, "Self-defense
For Women"?

My nervous mother gave it to me.

She thought since I was
living alone, I ought to read it.

You know that's not a bad idea.

I could use something like this.

That parking lot at the
museum gets so dark at night,

it gives me the willies.

Well, Sue Sue maybe we
ought to read it together.

I mean, I hate to admit it,
but my mother might be right.

My mother was, once.

- Well, let's see what it says.
- Okay.

It says here there are a few
rules that women should observe.

"Do not, at any time, announce the
fact that you are home alone at nights."

Uh-oh.

I better take down that card
I put on the bulletin board

at the corner market that reads,

"Need a date tonight.
Call Sue Sue Delight."

Listen now.

It says here that a
scream is often a good way

- to frighten off an attacker.
- Hmm.

- Hey, let's try it.
- Alright.

I'll be walking down a dark
alley and you'll be the attacker

and you jump out and grab me.

- Okay.
- Okay.

I'll be the attacker.
Where are gonna go?

- Oh about here.
- Okay.

Aaaaaaah!!

I may never hear
out of this ear again.

Well, I'm sorry,
but you scared me!

You're supposed
to be scared, dummy

but you weren't
supposed to scream.

You should have run away.

Oh well, pardon me,
but this is my first attack.

Let's try something else.

Okay.

Whoa.

Okay, now, here's another
good method of protecting yourself

- if somebody should grab you.
- Oh-h*.

Oh, look. They show
illustrations and everything.

Okay. It says

you stamp on the top of
his foot as hard as you can

and it's especially good if you
should be wearing high heels.

Ooh, I'll bet that brings
tears to a mugger's eyes.

Well, let's practice stamping.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Stamping.

Stamp on the top of his
foot as hard as you can.

Okay? Ready?

I don't know about self-defense
but we might bring rain.

We might bring rain!

Okay, listen, listen.

Women are not accustomed
to hitting with the fist.

So, the best type of blow
against your assailant

is with the side of the hand.

The most effective is
to the side of the neck.

Oh, you mean like this?

- Ha!
- Oh!

Oh boy, am I sorry.

Ah, what's next?

- First Aid.
- Yeah.

Oh, here's a good one
on kicking your assailant.

Yeah?

Oh, look at the expression
on that guy's face.

Now, well away, let’s
try it. Now, here we go.

Okay, this is what
we're gonna do.

You be the assailant.

- Right, - Right!

And you threaten me!

- Yeah, - Right!

And then I quickly kick
you in the back of the knee

to make you lose your balance

and if you don't fall
down, I will kick you again.

- Just one correction.
- What?

I'm gonna be the kicker and
you is gonna be the kickee!

Anything you say.

- Okay, now, you're the attacker.
- Right!

And you are following
me down the street.

Following, right.

Stop!

But I haven't attacked you yet.

Listen!

There's someone trying
to get into my apartment.

It's an assailant!

Ha! Yah!

Uncle Herb!

Oh, Mr. Hinkley.

I just wanted you to
see my new toupee!

Oh!

[Singing] Cost of
living got you down.

Prices are so high, I take
a ladder to go shopping.

Cost of living got you down.

Money used to burn
a hole in my pocket.

Now, it's not there long
enough to get warm.

There's one
bargain left in town.

Campbell’s Soups.

Try chicken with rice.

Best parts of the chicken,

fluffy rice and two chicken
stocks for extra flavor.

About six cents a
seven ounce serving.

Sit right down and get
your Campbell’s worth.

Oh, Ronnie, I thought the
movie was very exciting.

Are you sure? You
didn't find it boring?

Oh, no, not at all.

I just love seeing
two full hours

of the highlights of
the Indianapolis 500,

all those cars going round
and round and round and round.

I just loved it.

You certainly are
an unusual bird.

Oh, well. Would
you like some coffee?

Tea, if you don't mind.

Oh, okay.

Oh, Ronnie, do you mind if I
ask you a personal question?

Certainly not, love. What is it?

Well, when you're racing and
you're going 200 miles an hour,

don't you get just a teensy
weensy little bit frightened?

No, not at all.

Gee, I'm even scared
to drive on the freeway.

Ah, well, I wouldn't drive on
your freeway for a million pounds!

Oh, excuse me.

There's someone at the door.

- Hi!
- Oh, hi.

I brought you that
light bulb you asked for.

The one I asked
for two weeks ago?

Well, better late than never.

Thanks a lot.

Oh, I see you've got company.

- That's right.
- Yeah.

You must be the famous
Ronnie Cumberland

that Kim's told me
so much about, huh?

I'm her uncle, Herb Hinkley.

Oh, how do you do, Mr. Hinkley.

You know, I'm a
bit of a songwriter.

Yeah, I wrote a song
about the race track.

Maybe you can use it sometime.

- It goes...
- Yeah, Uncle dear,

Ronnie and I were just
about to have some tea.

Oh!

Thanks! I'd love some.

You know, I saw
you race in Ontario.

Yeah, you would
have beaten AJ Foyt

if your engine hadn't
conked out in the last lap.

Beastly luck, what.

Yes, indeed, beastly.

Uncle Herb, are you
sure you want to stay?

You're gonna miss
the 11 o'clock news.

Oh, who cares?

We mustn't become sl*ves
to the telly, right Cumberland?

Right, Hinkley.

Oh, excuse me, again.

- Hi!
- Ah.

Here's the sun tan
lotion I borrowed.

Sun tan lotion.

Oh thanks, I really
need this tonight.

Oh! You got company!

Yeah, I got company.

Yeah, come in Sue.
We're all having tea.

Oh, thank you! Excuse me.

Sue, this is Ronnie Cumberland,
the very famous race driver.

Ronnie, this is one of my
tenants, Sue Ann Dickbenner.

Charmed, I'm sure.

You're charmed.

Well, I'll get the tea.

I've never met a real
race driver before.

Actually, Miss
Dickbenner, it's just a living.

Tell me, what's your occupation?

Oh, I work at the
huseum of mystery.

I mean, the Museum of History.

I'm a bit nervous
with you at the wheel.

Tea is ready.

Well, Kim darling, I
must be running off.

Oh, but you
haven't had your tea.

No, you haven't had your tea.

Well, I just remembered

that I've got to be at the track
early in the morning for a trial run.

Oh, I understand.

Well, good night all.

- Oh, good night.
- Good night and good luck.

It's my pleasure to have
met your acquaintance.

Yes, thank you.

Oh, Ronnie.

Thanks a lot. I had
a wonderful evening.

And it was my
pleasure and besides,

I'll be seeing you
tomorrow night.

Okay, g*ng,

I think it's time
we had a little talk.

I know what you're thinking.

I hope not.

Well, I'm sorry if it seemed
as if I were butting in.

Seemed as if!

But I mean I am your uncle and
I've got your best interest at heart.

As for you, Sue Ann,

you promised you aren't gonna
come over here this evening.

Oh, well, apparently,
I'm not to be trusted.

Now, look you two,

I moved away from home
to avoid this very thing.

Every time I would invite my
date and the next sound you heard

would be mom's scuffies
padding down the stairs.

Oh, I was only doing what
I thought was best for you.

And I was only doing what
I thought was best for me.

Now, hear this:

I'm a big girl with
my own apartment.

And tomorrow night, I've
invited Ronnie over again.

And guess who's
not coming to dinner?

The Ronald Reagans?

That's cute.

Gentleman, these
are the ingredients

that make Campbells old fashioned
vegetable soup so delicious.

Carrots, potatoes, celery,
onions, corn, peas, green beans,

lima beans, cabbage,
turnips and macaroni.

Now, who puts them in the soup?

We do, sir.

But who prepares the beef broth?

Only you, sir.

And why is that?

Because, too many cooks...

[Singing] Sit right down and
get your Campbell’s worth.

Would you like a little
more wine my sweet?

Thank you, yes.

Ronnie, it was so nice
of you to bring the wine.

It's delicious.

Well, I'm glad you like it.

Cabernet Sauvignon, 1965.

Sixty five?

I thought that's what it was.

Yeah, that's my
very favorite year.

Yes, it has a very
good full body.

Oh, yes, it has a
marvelous body.

You didn't mind my saying so.

That makes two of you.

Oh! Well...

My, your hand is lovely.

Oh! Well...

I have another one just like it.

Oh! Oh!

I say, what happened?

Uh, my neck is temporarily
under construction.

You had to take a detour.

Oh, yes, I forgot about
you American birds.

You like to play
hard to get, don't you?

Well, I better take these
dishes into the kitchen.

Oh!

What are we playing, Ronnie?

You know what we're playing,
the oldest game in the world.

Soccer.

You know what I mean.

Tiddlywinks?

Don't be coy.

After all, you're a
woman and I'm a man.

Oh, I thought I was a
bird and you were a cat

who was twitching its whiskers.

Uh-oh, you caught
me by my lovely hand.

Why don't we go right over here
where we can make ourselves

a little bit more comfortable?

Well, actually, I could
be just as comfortable...

Oh, darn it! The doorbell!

I'm sorry to bother you, but

they're shutting the water
off on the whole block

at 6 o'clock in the morning.

I thought you might like
to fill some pots and pans.

- Good night.
- Oh, don't go.

I have to go, remember?

Oh, listen, Uncle
Herb, tell me all about it.

Now, they're gonna
shut the water off.

It's gonna go at 6 o'clock.
The pot... I have a pot.

Nice to see you again.

Likewise.

Well, I really have to go.

No, you don't.

Yes, I do!

No, you don't.

Yes, he does.

No, he doesn't.

Yes, he does.

No, he doesn't.

Yes, he does.

Now, where were we?

I forget.

I don't.

I didn't think you would.

You cats have
memories like elephants.

Now what?

Your beard tickles.

Kim darling, can we
discontinue this charade

after all the wine, the candles,
the way you're dressed?

This is hardly the time to
start playing Mary Poppins.

Ronnie, there's been
some misunderstanding.

You have the wrong idea.

Oh no, I have the right idea.

Then, you have the wrong girl.

Oh!

That nasty doorbell!

- Hi. Hi.
- Oh.

Kim, I really hate to bother you

but I have something
important to tell you.

It will just take a few
seconds and then I'll go.

Sue Sue, why rush?

If you have something
important to tell me,

you just come right
in and take your time.

Well, they're shutting off the
water at 6 o'clock in the morning

and I knew Mr. Hinkley
wouldn't come over and tell you

after what you've
said last night.

Thanks so much, Sue darling
and I have a wonderful idea.

Why don't you come down to
the track tomorrow morning?

I'd love to.

You said that you like
race drivers, didn't you?

Oh, I do, I do.

Yes, well, we have a young
Italian driver in our team

who's just dying to
meet American girls.

Oh, an Italian!

Yes, do you speak Italian?

Oh, do I speak Italian?

Funiculi, Funicula!

Good.

We'll see you tomorrow morning.

Sue! Sue...

Now, are there any more
relatives or neighbors

or is that the lot?

Uh, no that's the lot.

Good.

Ronnie, maybe
you better go home.

Or as they say in your country,
"Why don't you buzz off?"

Oh!

Oh, it's the old, keep the
sink between them routine, eh?

Aah!

Whoa-h*!

Now, would you please leave?

Gladly.

Though you must admit,
I did give it a good go.

And just for the record, Ronnie,

that movie was the most boring
thing I have ever seen in my life.

Who needs two hours of...

Bye, bye birdie!

Is there anything that
matter? I heard you scream.

And we just saw his
lordship limping down the hall.

Yeah, you want me to run
after him and bring him back?

Oh, no please! Let him go.

He turned out to be a bit
of the bloom in Rockter.

Oh, then you mean you're
not gonna see him again, ever?

I hope not.

Arrivederci Roma.

Hey, how did you get rid of him?

Like this.

Aah!

And I owe it all to mummy.

[Singing] It's the
real thing, Coke is.

That's the way it should be.

Coca-Cola.

What the world wants
to see. Whoa, yeah.

It's the real thing.

Coca-Cola.

That's the way it is
with a bottle of Coke

and the way it will stay
for the taste of your life.

What the world loves
today. Whoa, yeah.

It's the real think.
Coca-Cola is Coke!