05x01 - Lucy's Big Break

[bunniefuu]

[Announcer] Here's Lucy!

Starring: Lucille Ball.

Co-starring: Gale Gordon

and Lucie Arnaz.

Oh, boy!

Up we go!

Lucille!

Lucille, how are you?

Well, Harry, I was feeling okay,

but if you bring me
flowers and kiss me,

I guess, I am
sicker than I thought.

Just tell me, how did it happen?

Well, it was dumb really.

I was skiing down Fanny Hill.

Fanny Hill?

That's a beginner's
slope up at Snowmass,

and I wasn't going very fast.

I just turned to go up
at the beautiful scenery

and I just sort of fell down.

My goodness!

Just like...

- Mother!
- Kim, baby!

Oh!

Am I glad to see you?

Oh, mom. I was so upset
when I heard the news.

How did it happen?

Well, honey,

I was skiing down this icy
slope just streaking along.

- You know the way I do it?
- Oh, yeah!

Well, I swerved to avoid
another skier who had fallen

and I just came crashing down.

Oh! It sounds frightening!

It was.

Yeah. It gets more frightening
the second time you hear it.

Poor baby. Does
this hurt very much?

Hi, Lucy.

Oh, Mary Jane. Vanda!

Oh! Am I glad to see you!

We brought you some candy.

Oh! Thank you!

And look what I brought you!

Oh! Salami!

With all my love!

Oh! Thank you!

And that's a salami
without garlic!

Oh! That's good! That's good!

Hang it right there.

- Oh, Lucy.
- Nobody's going to touch it.

- What?
- Tell us how did it happen?

Yeah! Tell! Tell!

Well, I want to tell you.
It was really something.

I was skiing down
this terribly steep slope.

See, it's the one that the
Olympic team uses to practice on,

and I was going like the wind

when suddenly I had to swerve
to avoid a little child that had fallen

and down I went.

You can hear my
leg snap a mile away.

It just went creeeek!

Oh, Lucy.

You know, you're
right, Uncle Harry.

It does get more frightening
the second time you hear it.

I thought you carried an
injured Jean-Claude Killy

down the slope on your back.

Never mind, Harry.

It was a terrifying experience.

I know, Mom, I know.

Oh hey! We have
to sign Lucy's cast!

Oh! That's right!
Who's got a pen?

- I have pen!
- That's great. I love that.

- Mary Jane you go first.
- I'll go first.

Uh, all right, be careful
when you dot the I's.

Anybody wants a candy?

Oh! I thought you'd never ask!

Save me the ones
with a coconut in it.

That's what I like.

All right, Mrs. Carter,
time for you milk.

Oh! Hi, Ms. Ogilvy!

I'd like you to meet
some friends of mine.

This is my daughter Kim.

- Hi!
- Hello!

- And this is Mary Jane Lewis.
- Hello!

- This is Vanda and Sam.
- Hello.

- This is my brother-in-law,
Harry Carter.
- How are you doing?

Oh!

Ms. Ogilvy, do you
want some chocolate?

Oh! Thank you! I
love nuts and chews.

We're having a
cast signing party.

Would you like to sign my cast?

Oh! Thank you!

Say, Mrs. Carter, you never
told me how you broke leg.

Oh! Jean-Claude
Killy had an accident,

and Lucy carried him
down the slope on her back.

No!

That's remarkable!

Will you let me sign the cast?

[Indistinct conversation]

Lucy!

Ogilvy!

Ogilvy!

Hello, Dr. Parker.

Oh! Hi, doctor!

- These are all my friends.
- Hi!

Oh! If they are your friends,

they should realize you've
had a traumatic experience,

and what you need is rest!

Not a c*ck party!

The doctor is right.
Please, everybody out.

- Oh!
- Visiting hours are over.

- See you later, Lucy.
- Come on, everybody out.

I'm awfully sorry, doctor.

- Well, goodbye, mother.
- Bye, darling.

Oh! Is that... so,
you're Dr. Parker?

Well, I'm Lucille's
brother-in-law, Harrison Carter.

Oh! Well, I'm glad to know you!

Well, as long as
you're here, doctor,

I was wondering if you could
take a look at my left wrist.

I'm having twinges of pain.

Can you tell me
what's wrong with this?

Oh! Well, I can't
really tell here.

Why don't you call my office
and set up an appointment

for an examination
and some x-rays?

- An office appointment
and x-rays and all of that?
- Uh-hmm.

- Can't you just
sort of— - No, I can't.

Nice try, Harry!

Isn't that amazing?
The pain is almost gone.

- Thank you, doctor.
- You're welcome.

Just what I always wanted
the box of brown wrappers.

Lucille, what am I
going to do with you?

You don't just have a cold.
You've broken your leg!

And you don't need
excitement. You need rest.

Now, you can have
visitors but one at a time.

Yes, sir!

Well, we waited and
came back like you told us.

We thought he'd never leave.

I tell ya... oh, boy!

- What now? Where were we?
- Where is the candy?

Who didn't sign?
The candy's all gone.

Listen, listen.

Lucy, did you know
that your Dr. Parker

is one of the best bone
men in the country?

Oh! I'll say he is.

He cured Harry's wrist
just by taking hold of it.

- Really?
- Never mind!

Come on, Harry. You
didn't sign my cast.

- Oh, that's right!
- Who's got the pen?

Write some funny, Uncle Harry.

- What are you going to say?
- Yeah, be funny.

How about, "Hope you
never get plastered again!"

Oh, I like that.

Hey, listen, listen.

I wonder what
Dr. Parker would say

if he knew I sneaked
you all back in here.

He'd say, "Out!"

Out!

Party pooper!

Lucy, I would think you
would know better than this.

You'd think so, wouldn't you?

It's lonesome here all alone.

Oh, Ogilvy.

Yes, Dr. Parker?

I'm cutting off Mrs.
Carter's phone,

and I want a "No
visitors" sign on her door.

Yes, doctor.

I hate to do it, but apparently,

her friends and relatives
don't have good sense,

and there is no need to
tell Mrs. Carter about it

or she'll find a way
to get around it.

Yeah! She's a tricky one.

My, it certainly is boring to be
in the hospital with a broken leg.

Uh-hmm.

I simply can't understand why
I haven't had any visitors today.

I had lots of them yesterday.

Uh-hmm.

You'd think my own daughter
would come to see me?

Well, I guess she has
more important things to do

than come to see
her poor old mother.

Uh-hmm.

Oh, hmm-hmm yourself.

Hmm-hmm.

Oh, is it visiting
hours already?

No. I'm Dr. Murray.

Oh!

You must be the one who
stitched your lips together.

Hello, Mrs. Foster!

Hi, Dr. Murray!

How are you feeling today?

Pretty good, I guess.

That's good.

Time for our din-din.

Not for me-me.

Nonsense! What
are you talking about?

I'm not hungry.

Now, Mrs. Carter, we have
to eat to keep up our strength.

You want to get well, don't you?

I can take it or leave it.

Mrs. Carter, that
is no way to talk.

There, doesn't
that look... tasty?

Bleh.

Now, we are going
to eat all of our dinner,

and we are going to
make all gone with our milk.

I know hospital food
isn't the greatest,

but it can't be that bad.

It's not the food.

- Are you in pain?
- No!

Are you Mrs. Carter?

Yes!

Well, everybody in the
hospital is talking about you.

Why?

Well, I understand
you broke your leg

going off a ski jump
in the Olympic trials.

Yeah! That's me all right?

Well, you'll be skiing
again in no time. I'm sure.

I wouldn't cry about
my leg if I were you.

Oh, well, I'm not
crying about that.

I'm crying because no one has
come to see me, not even my daughter.

You're the first visitor I've had
all day, and legally, you're hers.

You can count me
as yours if you like.

Thank you!

Boy, you really want to find
out how people feel about you,

just break your leg.

Well, if it's all the same to
you. I think I'll try an easy way.

You know, they sure
showed they're true colors.

They came to see me
once a zap. That was it.

That needs more salt.

Maybe you're not supposed
to have lot of company.

Well, actually my doctor did say
may visitors should come one at a time,

but they're coming
none at a time.

Who is your doctor?

Dr. Parker.

Oh, well, you're
in excellent hands.

Matt Parker is one
of my good friends.

I had some good friends once.

I bet you got plenty of friends.

Name one?

How about me?

Well, I'm sure I haven't
known you very long.

Would it help if I went
down to the drug store

and bought us two
friendship rings?

Well, that won't be necessary.

Hey, that's a nice little
smile you got there.

Thank you.

How about a great big smile?

Maybe you better just
stick to your nice little smile.

One of my patients just told
me something very funny,

very cute today.

I think you might
find it interesting?

She's a school teacher,

and last week, she
was talking to her class

about the Franco-Prussian w*r.

She had been talking
for quite a while,

and suddenly, she notice that one
of her students was sound asleep.

Went over and said "Hey, wake
up. You can't sleep in my class!"

And the kid said "Well, I could
if you wouldn't talk so loud."

Oh, that's funny!

That's funny! I like that!

Yeah! Now that's more like it.

Now, I'll be on my way.

I still got a few
more patients to see,

and I promise this friend of mine
when I drop in and see his daughter.

She is here at the hospital.

Daughter?

I have a daughter, but she
never comes to see me anymore.

I should've quit
when I was ahead.

Nice talking to you.

I'll drop and see you again.

- Hello, Dr. Murray!
- Hello!

Are you certain you
didn't waste any time?

What do you mean?

Well, Dr. Murray is a
very illegible bachelor.

I'm dying to get him to
take me out for years.

He wouldn't even
take out my appendix.

Gee. I had no idea.

Man, that nice and
attractive would be single, too.

Hard to believe, isn't it?

Yeah!

Say, this may have been
a lucky little break after all.

Dr. Murray, as you can see, she
ate a very good dinner last night.

Well, good morning, Mrs. Carter.

Good morning.

Are you feeling better today?

Much better, thank you.

Hello, Mrs. Foster.

It looks very good,
very good indeed.

Dr. Murray?

Yes?

Your office is on the
phone. It's an emergency.

Was that "As the World Turned"?

Yup!

You know, since I've
been on the afternoon shift,

I never get a chance
to watch it anymore.

The last time I saw
was six months ago.

Mary Gorman had just
been rushed to the hospital

with a ruptured appendix.

Well, you missed a thing.
They just took her into surgery.

No.

Brought you a nice bowl
of chicken noodle soup.

Good for what ail's ya?

Well, you better
pour it on my leg.

Your disposition
hasn't improved.

Well, what do you expect?

Not only are my friends and
family not coming to see me,

but since Mrs. Foster is going home,
I don't even get to see Dr. Murray.

Now, now, I just saw
him down the hall.

Maybe he'll stop in and see you.

Oh, he won't come to see me.

I only have a broken leg.

All he cares about
are sick people.

Well, go on and eat
your soup while it's hot.

We want those bones to knit.

Yes?

Ms. Ogilvy come quick,
something awful has happened!

- What's wrong?
- I don't know.

Suddenly I felt having flushes
when I took my temperature.

Look!



Oh the pain!

Yeah! I better to
get your Dr. Parker.

Oh! I need someone right away!

Why don't you get Dr. Murray?
You said he's right down the hall?

Doctor, what shall we do?

Well, now, don't you
worry about a thing, Ogilvy,

you just leave it in my
hands. Run along, trust me.

Paul!

Paul, just the
man I want to see.

Hi, Matt!

You remember meeting one of
my patients Mrs. Lucille Carter?

Are you kidding?
How could I forget her?

Well, she has a
temperature of 108.



The only one I have heard
with a temperature that high

was a hippopotamus
with jungle fever.

Well, it's obvious the
temperature was a fake,

though Mrs. Carter was
eating chicken soup at that time

and at that moment had
a noodle dangling from it.

Why would she
do a thing like that?

Well, she made a request
that I bring you in on the case

as a consultant.

- I think this all just a trick so
that she can get to see you again.
- Oh, come on.

- No, really.
- Oh, I don't believe it.

Well, I've known Lucy
for years and I believe it.

I must say I'm flattered.

You know what I think that
temperature indicates, Paul?

Mrs. Carter has a
very strange disease

that I'll think of a name
for once I get in there.

You wouldn't do that, would you?

Oh, yes, I would,
and I need your help.

What? No, no, not me.

That would be to mean, Matt.

Well, after all so is scaring
a nurse half out of her wits

by putting a
thermometer in her soup.

No, no! Lucy needs
to be taught a lesson.

- Now come on
you just - - No, no!

- Play along and follow my lead.
- No, no!

Come on.

Oh, hi, Dr. Parker.

Oh, hi, Dr. Murray.

Hello, Mrs. Carter.

Lucy I'm very worried about
that high temperature of yours,

so I asked Dr. Murray
to come in on the case.

Oh, what a pleasant surprise.

Frankly, Lucy, I don't
mean to alarm you.

But when a person breaks her
leg, and then runs a very high fever,

it can only mean one thing.

What's that?

Tibia pox.

Tibia pox?

- Tibia pox.
- Tibia pox... oh, oh, yes!

Wolfington's tibia pox.

Is that serious?

Well, it was for Wolfington.

You see, it can be serious,

especially when it's compounded
by a Secondary Fibulosis.

Secondary what?

Oh, right, right! I forgot
Secondary Fibulosis.

I'm telling you, where is this
pain that you seem to be having?

Well, it started up here,

then it... then it sort
of went down there,

and went clear down here.
It's kind of a traveling pain.

Well, it's worse
than we thought.

Yeah, it's Galloping Fibulosis.

Galloping?

Yes, I'm afraid so. Hand
me one of those, will you?

- Oh yes!
- So lie back now.

Open your mouth.

Come on, open your
mouth. Now say "aaaaaah!"

"Aaaaaaahh!"

Uh-oh!

I don't like the sound
of your "Uh-oh."

And I don't like the looks
of your "Aaaa-aaah."

I wonder what her pulse is.

Let's hope she still has one.

I got 82.

I got 49.

- Let's check it again.
- Uh.





- No doubt about it.
- None.

No doubt about what? What is it?

What have I got?

- Well, tell her.
- Nope. You tell her.

No, you tell her.

Will somebody tell her?

Mrs. Carter, not only
do you have Tibia Pox,

compounded by
Galloping Fibulosis,

I'm afraid you also have
a severe case of Yoyolitis.

Yoyolitis?

I better listen to your heart.

Oh, that's amazing!

What? What is?

Unbelievable!

- What? What?
- Shhh...

Your heart... it's sending
out a message in Morse code.

H, E, L, P!

It spells help!

Do you think we should schedule
her for exploratory surgery?

Oh, yes, yes! Say immediately.

Oh, doctor! Doctor!

You know, it's the funniest
thing that... that pain,

that galloping pain.

Suddenly, it's all gone.

It's just galloped right... right
down and right out the door.

If and only would—No, that's
the trouble with these things.

Just when you think they're gone,
they come galloping right back.

Yes. You see, Lucy.

The trouble is that when
you fracture your tibia,

you set off a whole
chain reaction.

Well...

Because the tibia is
connected to the knee bone.

Yeah!

And the knee bone is
connected to the thigh bone,

and the thigh bone is
connected the hip bone.

And the hip bone is
connected to the back bone,

and the back bone is
connected to the neck bone,

and the neck bone is
connected to the head bone.

Now, hear the word of the Lord.

Boom, boom, boom.

Dem bones, Dem dry bones.

Dem bones, Dem
bones, Dem dry bones.

Dem bones, Dem
bones, Dem dry bones.

Now hear the word of the Lord!

All right, you two,
how did you know?

Oh, Lucy. Nobody has
a temperature about 108

with a noodle on it.

Well, you scared me half to
death, but I guess I asked for it.

You certainly did!

And I have a
hunch why you did it.

She's all yours, Paul.

I'm sorry, Dr. Murray.

Lucy, do me a favor.

What?

As soon as you get out of that
cast, would you have dinner with me?

Would I?

Ohh-hoohoohh!

Bones, don't just lie
there, get busy and knit!