05x05 - Lucy and Joe Namath

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy.

Starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon

and Lucie Arnaz.

Yoo-hoo, Mom!

In here, dear.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Oh, am I glad to see you.

Well, how's my
little Ironsides today?

Never mind, I'm fine.

Oh, you picked up
the cleaning for me.

Thank you.

Yeah. But Craig is
going to be furious

when he finds out what
they did to his jeans.

What did he do to them?

They cleaned them.

Oh!

You know, I don't
understand him.

He wears the
dirtiest jeans in town.

But when he gets
dressed to play tennis,

he even wants me
to iron his socks.

Well, I think tennis players
like to feel handsome.

Yeah.

You know, I'm very hurt
that Craig invited uncle Harry

to watch him in the tournament,
but he didn't invite me.

Well, Mom, you know
how uptight he gets

when he's playing in a
match and you're there.

Why should he get
uptight when I'm there?

Well, he doesn't mind
you rooting for him

but he gets a little embarrassed

when you come down out of the
stands to argue with the officials.

I call them as I see them.

Well,

- Oh, Craig.
- There he is.

How did your match go?

We won!

Oh! Oh, congratulations!

Oh, you should have
seen him, and he was great.

He beat the last
year's champion.

Tell them how
badly you beat him.

Oh, no, Harry. I don't
want to talk about it.

Why? You beat him
in three straight sets.

Yeah, I know but when a
fellow competes in sports

he's supposed to handle himself
with some humility and modesty.

Now, that's nice.
That's very nice.

Who was the champion you beat?

I don't know. They
look the same to me.

"They all look the same to you."

Gee, Mom, just think.

One day you'll be able to
say you used to iron his socks.

I didn't mean it like that.

But you know that wasn't the
big thing that happened today.

- It wasn't?
- Nope.

The coach for the football
team was at the matches

and he invited me
to try out for the team.

Football?

The coach was very impressed
with Craig's speed and his foot work.

But Craig you're not cut
out to be a football player!

Well, Mom who am I going to
believe, you or Joe Namath?

Joe Namath?

Yeah, yeah.

He was with the coach they
used to be teammates at Alabama.

Joe Namath.

Yeah, yeah.

And Joe Namath says that
Craig has great coordination,

and he has all the right move
to make a fine quarterback.

But, Craig, I do not
want you to play football.

You might get hurt.

Oh, Mom, I'm old enough
to take care of myself.

Now, age has
nothing to do with it.

I'm older than you
and I got hurt skiing.

Well, let me put it this way.

I'm young enough
to take care of myself.

I like the other way better.

Now, look, I don't want
you playing football.

I've seen those football
players and they're all monsters!

Joe Namath isn't a monster.

Oh, what do you know about it?

Mom, listen. I'd bet
if I could work at it

I could put on 10
or 15 pounds easy.

Oh, not on my salary you can't.

Mom, listen, all you have
to do is sign this paper.

What paper?

This paper, it's a parent's consent
for me to go out for the team.

Now, Craig, I'm not going
to be rushed into anything.

Mom, practice begins tomorrow,

and Joe Namath is going to
work out with all the quarterbacks.

Do you know what it's like
to have a guy like Joe Namath

take a personal interest in you?

No, but I'd be
willing to give it a try.

Now, one of you mixed up
with Joe Namath is enough.

Harry, will you please try
to talk some sense into him.

- Oh, me?
- Yes, you.

Oh, come on now,
Lucille, come on.

I wouldn't know what to say.

- Harry.
- Well.

Beside, you're always telling me that
today parents should try to understand

that every youngster has
the right to do his thing.

But I don't want
him doing his thing

while those monsters on the
other team are doing their thing.

Mom.

Please sign it.

Listen, this is the biggest
favor I've ever asked of you.

Now, what do you
say? Will you sign it?

We'll see.

We'll see?

Oh, you've been giving me that
"We'll see" since I was this big.

When I wanted a BB
g*n it was "We'll see."

When I wanted a
motorbike it was "We'll see."

When I wanted to join the
skydivers, it was "We'll see."

If they ever have a
Hall of Fame for parents,

that's what should be
inscribed over the doorway,

"We'll see."

Well, Craig you're always
asking me to let you do things

that are so dangerous.

Honestly, sometimes I
wish you'd been a girl.

Well, by the time you're
through with me, I will be.

And who cleaned my jeans?

Anyone who can raise a kid today
deserves to be in the Hall of Fame.

I don't know what
to do with him.

Oh, look, Mom, none of
us want to see him get hurt,

but he is a boy and
boys like to play football.

Yeah, and some of them
make quite a career out of it, too.

Why Joe Namath makes
a fortune playing football.

Sure, and he has to limp
all the way to the bank.

If I made this kind of
money, I'd be willing to crawl.

Harry, money is all
you ever think about.

Lucille, there's another
advantage playing football.

- Oh, another advantage.
- Yes, yes.

Nowadays, most colleges give
scholarships to football players.

Well, I can get Craig
through school without that.

And besides, Harry

you said that when
Craig started college

you would consider helping out
by giving me a Christmas bonus.

I did?

You know you did.

Now, you are going to give
me that bonus aren't you?

We'll see.

Ready?

Ready. Set.

Hut one, hut two.

- All right.
- That's the way, yeah.

OK, guys, that's it for today.

Run a couple of laps then
hit those showers, huh.

Get the lead out, Murphy.

Well, how do they look, Joe?

You got a good
bunch of guys here.

Joe, listen you got
to do me a favor.

Well, what's that?

Well, remember that Carter kid,

you know, the one
we saw playing tennis?

Yeah?

Well, he's got trouble.

You see his mother won't give him
permission to come out to play football.

So, I thought maybe you
could go over and talk to her.

Why me?

Well, you know, you got
that boyish charm, you know.

Come one, chicks dig you.

This is not a chick.
This is a woman.

Well, it's the same thing.

I mean, a woman is just a
chick who's slowed up a step.

I never thought of it like that.

Come on, Joe, now
you got to help me out.

You know, after all
we were teammates.

Roomies.

I mean, a good quarterback,
could mean a winning season for me.

Let's face it, these coaching
jobs don't last forever.

Joe, come on please, will you go
over and talk to that kid's mother?

OK, coach.

I'll get that kid for you if I have
to give his mother my mink coat.

Oh, Harry, I just don't
want to hear about it.

Lucille, at least give
the man a chance.

Listen to what Joe
Namath has to say.

Harry, you may run my
life down at the office,

but in my home with my own son,

I rule the roost.

Roost is right. You're
like a mother hen.

Kim, dear, oh my that's...

What is going on here?
Some kind of a fashion show?

What do you mean fashion show?

You have about three different
outfits on since Mr. Namath called.

Well, he is company isn't he?
I just want to look presentable.

Well, if I'd answered the
phone when he called,

he wouldn't be coming at all.

If Mr. Namath thinks he's
going to use his charm on me,

it just won't work.

Now, I don't want you
getting starry-eyed.

Don't worry about me.

Actually, celebrities bug me.

They really think you just
going to fall all over them.

He's here!

- Hi.
- Hi!

May I help you?

Oh, she's the one
that needs the help.

Oh, won't you come in.

- Mother, this is...
- Yes, yes, how do you do?

You must be Mr. Namath?

My friends call me Joseph.

Oh, well, the papers
call you Broadway Joe.

I don't think that's
easy to live down.

Well, I guess they
have to sell papers.

Uh-huh. What
are you selling, sir?

Well, I'm here to
see Mrs. Carter.

I'm Mrs. Carter.

And I'm her daughter, Kim.

Beauty seems to
run in the family.

Oh, no wonder they
let you call the plays.

I believe you met my
brother-in-law, Mr. Carter?

- Oh yes, at the tennis match.
- Yeah. Hi.

Won't you sit down?

Well, thank you, Mrs. Carter.

I'm Mrs. Carter.

And I'm her daughter, Kim.

Oh, I got mixed up.

You looked so much like sisters.

Oh, sit down and make
yourself comfortable.

Well, I wish my guys
could block like that.

I see you are on
the injured list.

Oh yes, I'm just getting
over a banged up leg.

Well, how did it happen?

Skiing.

- Skiing?
- Uh-huh.

Oh, I could tell Craig came
from sports-minded family.

How?

Well, there's nothing like exercise
to develop such beautiful figures.

- Oh!
- Oh, come now.

Are you a skier, Kim?

Oh, no, not really but
I do try to keep active.

- Do you go dancing?
- Oh, I'd love to.

Mr. Namath did not come
here to fill up his dancing card.

Now, just why did you
come, Mr. Namath?

To get your signature
on this paper.

You see, I've had a pretty
good career in football,

and I thought I might
be able to point out

some of the advantages of
letting your son go out for football.

What advantages?

Well, a football career
brings recognition.

It opens a lot of doors.

Yeah. Ambulance
doors, hospital doors.

Now, Mrs. Carter,

I know it's a rough game.

There are lot of bumps
and bruises, but they heal.

It's the emotional
hurts, they never heal.

Emotional hurts?

Mr. Namath means denying the boy

the chance to do
what he wants to do.

Right.

Do you know what it's
like going through life

and having to self with some
humdrum existence and drudgery?

Oh, I sure do. I worked
for Uncle Harry here.

Well, that's the point.

Would you want your son to have
to settle for the Uncle Harry's in life?

Well, now, that
you put it like that.

No offense, of course.

Well, uh no.

Uh, Lucille,

signing that paper will have a
good psychological effect on Craig.

And how's that?

Well, he already
knows that you love him.

This will show that you
regard him as a man.

Yeah, I remember how he
accused you of treating him like a girl.

You know, this isn't
fair, it's three against one.

With Craig, it's
four against one.

I didn't know you'd have
a whole team with you, sir.

Oh, Mom, remember
Craig said this was the

most important favor
he's ever asked of you.

Well, all right, I'll sign.

Good.

- Here's a pen.
- OK.

Just put... put it on
there. Here you go.

I just hope that we're not
building him up for a big letdown.

After all, you've never
seen him play football,

how do you know he'll be good?

Well, I can tell from the
way he handles himself.

I mean it, Mrs. Carter,
that kid has terrific footwork.

Well, it runs in
the family, Joe.

What? What runs in the family?

Footwork, footwork.

Well, back when I was
playing for State I was known as

"Twinkle Toes Carter."

Twinkle Toes Carter?

Yeah, yeah.

I'll never forget the game we played
for the conference championship.

I remember there was
one minute left to play,

and I intercepted a pass.

I twinkled to the left,
then I twinkled to the right.

Now there were just three
men between me and goal lines.

You see, when the
first one came at me,

I gave him a head fake to
the outside, and I cut inside.

And then the second man,

I gave him a shoulder fake
to the outside, and cut inside.

And then when the
third man came at me,

I gave him a hip
fake to the outside

and plunged across the goal
line with a winning touchdown.

- Ra, ra, ra, ra...
- Ra, ra, ra, ra...

That was some run.

Yeah, yeah.

The coach said I was the
greatest faker State ever had.

Oh, you can say that again.

Yeah.

Oh, I better get to
the office. Bye, Joe.

Yeah, good-bye Twinkle Toes.

When did you have
that step put in?

Poor Uncle Harry, I guess the
twinkle is going out of his toes.

Yeah.

I hate to see Craig trying
to follow in his footsteps.

- Well, here you are all signed.
- Good, thank you.

Oh, Mom, Craig is
over Charlie's house.

- I better go over and
tell him the good news.
- All right.

Can I give you a lift?

Oh, well that
would be wonderful.

Kim!

Charlie just lives
across the street.

Well, it's a very wide street.

Out, out.

Bye.

Joseph.

I'd be getting along.
Thank you for signing this.

Oh, I have to go
back to the hotel.

There's a big TV, a football
special on, I'd like to catch it.

Oh, well, what
time does it go on?

In about two minutes.

Oh, you might miss it.
Would you like to see it here?

Well, if it wouldn't
be imposing.

Oh, not at all.

Just turn on the set and sit
right here and be comfortable.

I kind of like to see
it, too, you know.

I don't know much
about football,

and now that Craig's
going to be playing

maybe you could
give me some pointers.

Oh, I'd be happy to.

- Is that the right station?
- Yes, ma'am.

[TV] The National Football
League's salute to the quarterback.

- Oh, you're a quarterback, right?
- That's right.

Here are some film clips
from last year's game.

Watch this. This is great.

This is football's glamour
boy, the quarterback,

a human target in
the art of devastation.

Oh!

The quarterback, the hunted
prey of bone-crushing Goliath's.

Oh, watch out!

The quarterback,

smacked,

cracked,

hacked.

His helmet flying.

Oh!

I thought it was his head!

It's no wonder that by the end of
the season most of these quarterbacks

are held together by surgical
thread and miles of adhesive tape.

Oh.

Those guys don't know
how to protect themselves

like I'm going to teach Craig.

Not even the cool
and canny Joe Namath

avoids the onslaught of
these monsters of mayhem

charging, driving, battering
their way to their victim.

Whoa!

Joe's out cold.

- Oh!
- Oh, it just looks like I'm hurt.

It looks like you're dead.

Well, you know how
they slant the news.

Oh! Oh, I can't stand it.

I can't stand that.

Do you realize what you've done to
me, making me sign a piece of paper?

How can you ask you a mother

to let her son go out
on a b*ttlefield like that?

Well, If I'd known, it
could be as bad as that.

- I don't ever want to sign that paper.
- Mrs. Carter.

- Oh, how could you do that to me?
- Mrs. Carter.

- Oh, that's terrible.
- Mrs. Carter, Mrs. Carter.

What am I going to do?

That could have been my
Craig lying there on the field,

- my poor little baby.
- Mrs. Carter, please.

Mrs. Carter here, Mrs.
Carter look, look, look, look!

- Look at what?
- Hold your hands out.

- Why?
- Hold your hands out.

- What's that?
- That's the contract.

Oh.

Oh, thank you.

Craig won't thank you but I do.

Can I go now?

Yes, thank you.

- Thank you.
- Good-bye.

Oh, oh, oh wait, wait!

What's the matter?

No. Now I'm in a
worse spot than ever.

Kim is gone and told
Craig I said he could play.

Now I have to go
back on my word.

If I don't let him play, it's
liable to break his heart.

But if I do, it's liable
to break his neck.

Oh!

Mrs. Carter, please.

Mrs. Carter look,
look, look, Mrs. Carter.

Time.

Time.

Time for what?

Well, I got you into this and
I'm going to get you out of it.

How?

In a way that Craig will never
know you went back on your word.

What are you going to do?

Well, you let him come
to practice tomorrow.

Why?

Well, you can come, too.

By the time I get finished
telling him how bad he is

and chewing him out so much,

he'll never want to
see a football again.

Would you really do that?

Scouts honor.

Oh, thank you.
You're a nice man.

Well, Craig, we're going to start
by practicing a snap from center.

Right.

Jimmy, snap the
ball on the third count.

Right, Joe.

Ready, set!

Hut one, hut two, hut three.

Ha-ha, oh boy!

Mom.

Well, he's good.

When I'm playing tennis matches,

she comes out of the stand
and argues with the officials.

Hey, I'd like to
borrow her on Sunday.

Now, let's see you take a snap.

All right.

Ready, set!

- Hut one.
- Hold it, hold it!

What are you watching
your hands for?

Checking your manicure?

You're supposed to be
looking out here at the defense.

Anytime you don't
know what defense it is

you're going to get steamrolled.

What kind of
defense are they in?

In a six-one?

A four-three, a four-four?

Well, there's nobody...

You're talking when
you ought to be listening.

- Yeah, but...
- Yeah, shut up and read the defense.

No coaching from
the sidelines, please.

Now let's see you take the snap.

Remember, first,
you read the defense

and then you get
ready for the snap.

Right.

Ready, set.

- Hut one.
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You're supposed
to be calling signals.

Not whispering your girl's ear.

You know, the signal is
not some sort of secret

between you and the center.

Everybody the whole
team has to know the signal.

If you're going to need some
kind of amplifier to be heard,

maybe you forget football
and join some rock group.

And another thing, you
ought to get that haircut.

Haircut?

- You heard me.
- Yeah, you heard him.

Now, let's try it again.

Ready, set!

Hut one, hut two, hut three!

Was that satisfactory?

Well, it was better.

Well, what was that little lean to
the right when you're over center?

Oh, well you see when
I read their defense

their linebacker was so tall
that I had to look around it.

You're pretty c*ck, aren't you?

Most quarterbacks are.

Well, since you know all the fine
points there is to know about the game,

we'll get down to the
nitty gritty of it, all right?

Right. Great.

- This time we're going to try something
a little bit more complicated.
- Oh.

All right huddle, come
on we need help here.

Hold on, I want to hear.

Mom, Mom.

Really, you better get back.
This is a play action pass.

Oh, play action pass.

Oh, OK.

OK, go ahead.

All right, the play action pass,

I'll fake the
pitch to the right,

you fake your
hand off to the left.

Jimmy, you run it down and out.

- Got it?
- Right.

All right, we'll go
on two, ready?

Ready, set!

Hut one, hut two.

Now, you think you can do that?

Well, there's only
one way to find out.

Huddle!

Ready, set!

Hut one, hut two!

Hike!

Hey, where did you
learn to move like that?

Watching you do it.

You mean you just
picked it up like that?

Let me see you do that again.

One more time.

Same thing on two.

Why do you want to
see him do it again?

Oh, he's good.

Ready, set!

Hut one, hut two!

Hike!

Beautiful! Great!

Hey coach, come
here a minute, coach.

I want you to take
a look at this kid.

Go on, try that again, Craig.

- Try it again?
- One more time.

Oh.

Watch the moves he's got!

You got some pretty
good moves yourself.

Thank you.

Ready, set!

Hut one, hut two!

Hike!

Hey, terrific kid!

He's a natural!

What did I tell you.

I want to see you in action.
Go put your uniform on.

- We're going to have a scrimmage.
- A scrimmage OK?

OK. Everybody!

Suite up. We're
doing a scrimmage!

Here you go, coach.

Joe, I'm telling you
before the season is over

that kid is going to be
known as Mr. Footwork.

Come on you guys,
let's hustle, hustle.

Well, of all the
sneaky rotten tricks.

- Oh, Mrs. Carter.
- Yeah, remember me?

But the kid was so good,
I just got carried away.

I wasn't trying to be sneaky.

Joe Namath, you don't fool me

just because you shaved
off your Fu Manchu mustache.

But I didn't mean
to double cross you.

I just happen to be impulsive.

Impulsive!

No wonder you're always
in trouble Broadway Joe.

Mom, will you take it easy?

Never mind, take it easy, I have
never been so mad in my life.

Now, now, now
calm down, Lucille.

Believe me if there's one thing
I cannot stand in the person,

it's dishonesty.

Mother, if Craig was really that
good and Joe had to finally admit it,

how does that
make him dishonest?

Because he was supposed
to double cross Craig, not me.

Come in.

Oh, Mr. Namath.

You!

Now, take it easy Mrs.
Carter. Take it easy.

I had a long talk with Craig

and I want you to know
he won't be playing football.

Oh, well, I'll believe that
when I hear it from him.

Oh, Craig!

- Craig!
- Oh, Craig!

Oh, Craig what happened?

Oh, no... I'm OK, Mom.

I just sprained my ankle and
twisted a shoulder muscle.

I thought you talked
him out to play football?

He was playing tennis.

Tennis?

Yeah, I played in the
finals this afternoon.

How could you get hurt
like that playing tennis?

Well, this guy beat me and
I tried to jump over the net

to shake hands with him.

Oh, oh boy, Mr. Footwork.

Mom, you think you could
get me one of those chairs?

We'll see.