05x06 - The Case of the Reckless Wheelchair Driver

[bunniefuu]

[Announcer] Here's Lucy.

Starring: Lucille Ball.

Co-starring: Gale Gordon

and Lucie Arnaz.

What did the doctor say, mom?

Well he said, maybe I'd be able
to change the bandage next week

- and get a whole new cast...
- Oh!

- Oh, dear.
- Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

That's all right ma'am, I'm OK.

Hold it, hold it.

- Well, I'm OK Mr. Hickey.
- No, you're not OK.

Look, take it easy, boy.

I say you're hurt.

I'm not hurt, mister.

Listen, if I say you're
hurt, you're hurt.

Now, I think your leg is
broken, I heard it snap.

Now listen, if you think
something is broken, don't move.

You heard what the
lady said, now don't move.

Well now, wait just a minute
now, how could anything be broken,

it was just a little bump.

Oh, what do you
got, x-ray eyes, lady?

Listen, you're in big
trouble, this boy is really hurt.

Well look, there's a whole
building full of doctors here,

let's get one.

Hold it, I'll handle
this if you don't mind.

Hey officer, can I see a minute?

What's the trouble here?

I want this woman
arrested for reckless driving.

What are you talking about?

Reckless driving
in a wheelchair?

Yeah, how can you drive
reckless on a wheelchair?

Now people aren't satisfied
with just knocking you down

in the street anymore.

Now, they come right up
on the sidewalk after you.

Oh, come on now.

You should have seen her
come barreling off that door.

Banged right into him.

No warning, nothing.

Well I'm sorry, this wheelchair
didn't come with a horn.

Oh, you've got a
sassy one here, officer.

Now, you're going to give
her a citation or aren't you?

- But sir, I can't...
- Oh, this is ridiculous.

Look, I happen to be an
attorney and I know the law.

Now, do you want me to embarrass
you by making a citizen's arrest

or are you going
to do your duty.

- All right, all right.
- Oh gee.

Let me see now.

How fast would you say
you were driving lady?

Well, I don't know.

What is the speed limit for
wheelchairs around here?

You may as well confess mother,

I think she was zooming along at
about two and a half miles an hour.

Oh, you got another
sassy one here.

They must work as a team.

Oh young man, just
how badly are you hurt?

- Don't answer that que...
- I'm not.

What are you doing
standing up on a broken leg.

Let me steady you.

Easy does it... easy,
don't move, boy.

Hey, you're looking
a little pale, boy.

Bite your lip or something.

I don't want you to faint
on me. That's an order.

- But Mr. Hickey, the...
- Hush, don't talk, don't talk.

Save your waning strength, boy.

Oh, for heaven's sake.
If he's hurt so badly,

take him in the building,
right here, right now

and have a doctor look at him.

Oh, no you don't.

We're not taking him
to just any old doctor,

he needs a leg specialist.

This boy is a star.

Star?

Star of what?

You mean to tell me you don't
recognize Billy Joe Jackson

the dancing man from Alabama?

No.

He only happens to be the
hottest song and dance man

to come out of the South
since Cottonseed Miller.

- Cottonseed Miller?
- Yeah.

Who's he?

Don't you know
anybody from the south?

Officer, do your duty.
Arrest this woman.

Oh, but I don't
know. I can't arrest...

Look, you don't realize how
much trouble you're in lady.

Breaking this boy's leg is going
to hold up production on his movie

and the delay is going
to cost me thousands.

He's doing a movie?

That's right and I'm
holding you personally...

Officer, take a look at
that glazed look in her eye.

I think she's been
hoisting a few.

Oh now listen,

I just came out of a medical
building, not a saloon.

Why don't you give
her a sobriety test?

Make her walk a straight line.

Oh brother.

If she could walk a straight line,
she wouldn't need the wheelchair.

- Now listen to me, I want you to get...
- Ah!

- Oh!
- I didn't mean that.

I didn't mean it.
That was an accident.

- Did you see that officer?
- I didn't mean it.

- She deliberately attacked me.
- Would I do a thing like that?

I want you to arrest this woman
for as*ault with a lethal weapon.

Oh, a lethal weapon!

- I told you, I didn't mean it.
- That's right.

You tried to k*ll my star?

Listen lady... officer, how
much do you have to see?

Aren't you going to
arrest this weirdo?

- Weirdo?
- That's right.

- How dare you?
- Quiet!

Quiet around here...

Sit up straight, please.

I don't believe it.

I just don't believe
this is happening.

Sergeant, I want to say
without fear of contradiction,

that you are badgering and
humiliating that poor woman.

Taking mug shots of her, as
if she was a common criminal.

And may I remind you sergeant,
that an invalid in a wheelchair

bumping into a passing pedestrian
is not exactly a capital offense

- and furthermore...
- You and you... shh...

All right now Mrs. Carter,
look pleasant, please.

Give me one good
reason why I should.

Well, just try to look natural.

Natural as an innocent
secretary, housewife, and mother

or natural as a mad attacker
in a lethal wheelchair?

Ugh...

Mrs. Carter, please.

That's good, now
turn left... turn right.

Thank you very
much. That does it.

Do you want me to autograph
one of those for the warden?

Now we'll get your fingerprints.

- Oh, you got to be kidding me.
- Come on.

Fingerprints?

That does it. I object!

Objection sustained!

My mother is being railroaded
and I don't like it one darn bit.

May I remind you sergeant that I
have connections in high places.

One word from me and
heads will roll around...

Quiet!

h*...

Mrs. Carter, you were
allowed to make one phone call

and brother, did you
get a wrong number.

Now pipe down.

And that daughter has
got an awful lot to say too.

Her, I can take.

She's cuter.

I'm remembering everything
that's being said here sergeant

to use when we bring
suit for false arrest.

Mr. Carter, you are
flaring up my ulcer.

Yeah, don't help so much Harry,
I'm in enough trouble already.

Fingerprint her!

Yes sir, fingerprints.

- Give me your right hand.
- Yeah, careful now,

I've got a dollar and a quarter
invested in that manicure.

Sergeant, I would still like to
know where this Hickey character is,

who is preferring all these
preposterous charges.

As I said, he's at the doctor's
with that movie actor of his.

Oh brother.

I don't see how anyone could get
to be a sergeant in the police force

and believe a ridiculous
story like that Mr. Hickey's.

Boy, are you gullible.

Now, you listen to me, miss.

Easy sergeant,
remember, I'm the cute one.

- Have no fear, Hickey is here.
- Oh my...

How are you,
sergeant? Hello folks.

Well, how's Hot Rod Hannah
of the wheelchair sect?

Uh-ah, we must not be
feisty, I have good news.

What good news?

Now look, lady.
I'm not a mean man.

Now, I'll tell you
what I'm going to do.

I've decided to drop all
the charges against you

for as*ault with
a lethal weapon.

Well, thank you.
Thank you very much.

Obviously, your
superstar finally recovered.

Ah, not quite.

We're going to have
to postpone the picture

and because of the
great financial loses,

we're suing you for $100,000.

$100,000?

And you're getting off
easy, good day folks.

Just a minute!

You heard me. $100,000...

Plus $2.00 for
cleaning my jacket.

I'll see you around.

Nothing there.

Oh Harry, you'd think I'd be
covered in one of those policies?

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh what?

Uh-oh, no, no.

No, according to this, you'd only
be covered if you were to hit him

with your wheelchair
in your own house.

Next time I'll remember that.

Oh dear.

But Harry listen, what
am I worried about?

We know that
Hickey is a big fraud

and besides, I
don't have $100,000.

True, true but if he can
prove that the boy is hurt

and the picture is delayed,

you could lose your home
and everything you own.

Oh, thanks Harry, I needed that.

Well Lucille, I'm
only telling you the...

Come in!

Hello everybody.

Beautiful day isn't it?

Not with you in it.

Now, is that a nice
way to talk I ask?

What do you want here?

I'm taking no chances, huh.

I'm here on a peace mission.

A peace mission.

Oh, what kind of
a peace mission?

Well look, I got to thinking
and I said to myself,

why should I drag her into court

and with a lot of lawyer's
fees and a lot of legal jazz

and all that stuff?

I have decided that I'd
like to settle out of court.

Now, to call the whole thing
off, I'll settle for a measly $50,000.

A measly $50,000.

Fine, I'll take it out of
my measly piggy bank.

Some peace mission.

Yeah, Mr. Hickey, now, you
know you don't have a case.

You know that boy
doesn't have a broken leg.

You're right, I
got to admit that.

He admits it.

But he does have
a very severe sprain

and what's even more serious,
when he fell to the sidewalk,

he got a terrible whiplash.

- A whiplash?
- Of falling down?

It's possible.

Now who would
believe a thing like that?

Well, nobody but
the judge and jury

after I show them
this medical report.

- Here, let me see that.
- What?

- Let me see that medical report.
- What medical report?

Give it here, I
want to see that.

Medical report, this I...

Dr...

What's this doctor's
signature here, Thomas J...

- Cromestine.
- What?

Horneseth?

It looks like Hickey.

Dr. Hickey?

A relative of yours?

A distant brother.

We hardly know each other.
We're practically strangers.

Yeah, well it's
too bad we aren't.

And this picture that's
allegedly being held up,

who is producing it?

Oh, it's a new production
company, Hickey Productions.

Oh, a distant uncle?

Wrong, his nephew, me.

Now, are you going to settle
for $50,000 or aren't you?

Oh, you got to be kidding, I
don't have that kind of money.

I'm a secretary working for
starvation wages, right Harry?

Right, right, this poor woman...

Well, they're not exactly starvation,
I pay you pretty good salary...

Hey listen, there are other
ways to pay this thing off.

Like this house for instance.

It's a very pretty
place, you know,

I think I could
make good use of it.

It's a very nice house.

Well thank you,

I'll pass that information
along to the bank that owns it.

Well, I'll give you one
week to think it over.

Now remember, it's $50,000
out of court or $100,000 in.

Hickey, kindly close
the door on your way out.

Oh, sure, sure,
no hard feelings.

Yeah, I think I'd enjoy
owning this house.

I may even move
my mother in here.

If you had a mother,
she wouldn't admit it.

Oh, I was just leaving.

I'm all for that.

What was that all about?

Well guess what,

he is willing to
settle for $50,000.

Oh, well listen, I'll help.

You can take a dollar a
week out of my allowance.

Thank you baby, I knew
I could count on you.

Oh listen, by the way,
guess who I just spotted

- having lunch at Schwab's.
- Who?

Where?

You know, Schwab's Drugstore,

where all the out of
work actors hang out.

Who was it?

Little old Billy Joe Jackson.

Who's that?

You know, Hickey's famous
dancing man from Alabama.

Well, did he look like he
was hurt $50,000 worth?

Well, his ankle was bandaged
and he was on crutches

and he had a whiplash collar on.

He looked like a poster boy for
national have an accident week.

Oh boy, there must be some
way to prove that they are faking.

If we could just get a picture
of him walking normally.

Yeah, it's a good idea Harry,

but Hickey is too
sharp to let that happen.

Yeah, but our friend Billy
Joe doesn't seem too sharp.

No?

Well, I saw him at the lunch
counter reading comic books going...

- Wait a minute mom, listen.
- What?

Oh, I'm getting
this wild crazy idea.

You're getting more like
your mother every day.

Thank you.

Mm, what's your idea, baby?

Well, instead of getting
pictures of him walking,

it might be easier to get
pictures of him dancing.

Dancing?

Oh, she had such a
promising childhood.

I just hate to see her
cracking up like this.

How are we going to get
pictures of him dancing?

Well, I'm counting on our little
old Billy Joe being hungry enough

and hammy enough to just
jump at the chance of getting a job.

Uncle Harry, does your friend still
own that little nightclub in Tarzana?

Yes.

Is he still looking
for new acts?

Good ones, yes.

Why?

Well, I have a feeling that the new
team of the dancing man from Alabama

and miss Twinkle Toes of St.
Louis, MO is going to be a big smash.

Have you the remotest idea
of what she's talking about?

No, but I'm sure it's a brilliant
idea because that's my little girl.

You're feeling pretty
good today huh, Billy Joe.

Billy Joe... Billy Joe!

Huh?

I said you're feeling
pretty good today, huh?

No, Mr. Hickey says
I'm feeling awful.

Mr. Hickey, huh?

Well, I hope you
win your lawsuit.

Yeah, well I didn't come to
Hollywood to be in no lawsuits.

I come to be in pictures.

Excuse me miss.

Yes?

Has Ken Davidson been around?

Ken Davidson?

You know, the singer-dancer.

Sorry honey, I don't know him.

Oh gee, that's too bad.

See, my regular partner is sick
and we got a big club date tonight

and well... gosh, I was sure hoping
I could find someone to fill in quick.

Pardon me, my name is Jason Cane

and I sing and dance,
and I'm sure available.

Oh, well, oh no, I'm afraid you're
not exactly what I'm looking for,

not today anyway.

You'll be sorry, baby.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

That's all right.

Looks like you're kind of used
to it honey, what happened?

Well ma'am, you would
have to see it to believe it.

Try me.

I got ran over by a wheelchair.

I don't believe this.

See, I told you you
wouldn't believe it.

Say, are you in showbiz?

Oh well, yeah, I've been singing
and dancing a little bit around town.

I'm known as miss Twinkle
Toes of St. Louis, MO.

Ooh, I'm dancing man of
Alabama, Billy Joe Jackson.

Candy Cotton.

Ooh, that's pretty.

Oh, thank you.

Say, you're kind of pretty too.

Oh really.

If you don't mind
my saying so miss,

I kind of like the way
you're all put together.

Well, thank you.

My parents were always
real good at jigsaw puzzles.

Listen, Billy Joe honey, maybe
you all could do me a favor.

My regular partner is sick
and I need a partner real quick

for a club date tonight

and well, do you know
a fellow who could fill in?

For a club date,
mm, tomorrow night?

No, tonight, honey.

- Tonight?
- Uh-huh.

Ooh, how much does it pay?

Well, it's going to be at the
Green Parrot Club out in the valley

and he could make
himself $100.00.

Ooh wee, $100.00,
I sure could use that.

How about me?

Oh, well honey, I'm sorry
but this is big club date.

This ain't no hospital frolics.

Don't let this here
fool you now miss,

I'm just practicing
for a part in a picture.

You mean y'all can
really move around?

Well, my goodness.

I'm as spry as a
heifer in a hurricane.

Well, shut my mouth.

Y'all got a little old deal.

Woah.

- Listen Harry...
- Hmm-hmm.

Are you sure we're not
too close to the stage?

Lucille, don't worry about it.

He won't even be able to see
you with a spotlight in his eyes.

So please, take off
those gruesome glasses.

You look like something
from the dark side of the moon.

All right, all right, I couldn't
see through them anyway.

Look, is the camera all set?

- All set.
- Uh-huh.

Now, I'd like to ask a question
that could only apply to you.

What's that?

Do you have any
film in the camera?

Of course I have.

You know Harry, the only reason
I asked you to join me tonight

is because I'm not
out for a good time.

[Announcer] Ladies
and gentlemen,

the world premiere of the
Dancing Sweethearts of the South.

[Singing] What are
you doing tonight

You got no place to go

Gotta get out of the city

Why don't you come along with me

Mighty fine out tonight

Get your girl and hold her tight

We can take it nice and easy

You know it won't be
long 'til we'll be, we'll be

Down by the lazy river,

Come as you please

Down by the lazy
river, one big family

If you're all alone,
you won't be long

Just bring your guitar
and sing your song

Down by the lazy river,
everybody follow me

Everybody follow me

Everybody follow

Won't you come along with me

To the Mississippi

We'll take a boat to
the land of dreams

Go down,

I said down,

I said down,

I said down by the lazy river,

Come as you please

Down by the lazy
river, one big family

If you're all alone,
you won't be long

Just bring your guitar out

Down by the lazy river,
everybody follow me

Follow me

Follow me

Follow me

What was he doing?

Oh, good evening, Mr. Hickey.
I see you got my message.

You, you're the one
who telephoned me.

That's right.

Oh, it's too bad
you missed the act.

Yeah.

Oh yeah, it's miraculous
how a body wrecked with pain

can get up and dance.

Yeah, if you'd like to
see what you missed,

- I got it all right here.
- Yeah.

- A camera?
- That's right.

- Give me that.
- Oh no you don't.

Oh, that dumb kid, doing
a stupid thing like this.

Well, you win a
few, you lose a few.

Yeah, yeah, you win
a few, you lose a few.

Oh!

Get off of me!

I'm burnt.

I'm scolded. He
attacked me with food.

He attacked me,
I'm going to sue.

I got witnesses.

You saw that didn't you?

Didn't you see what
he did... that, you didn't?

Get me the manager.

I'm going to take this joint
for every nickel you've got.

I'll take this to the
highest court in the land.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.