05x09 - Lucy and Jim Bailey

[bunniefuu]

[Announcer] Here's Lucy.

Starring Lucille Ball.

Co-starring Gale Gordon

and Lucie Arnaz.

Let's get started.
Everybody sit down now.

Come on. Meeting
called to order.

Now, on behalf of
the women's division

of our local chamber of commerce

and as the head of our
entertainment committee,

I would like to discuss this
year's annual charity show.

Now, as you know,
during the first year,

I have enjoyed acting
as mistress of ceremonies

and participating in our show.

However, I am still
recovering from the leg injury

that I suffered skiing.

So, this year, I won't
be able to perform.

Oh.

Well, thanks a lot, Mary Jane.

Oh, well, I was applauding for
how good you were last year.

Oh... well, thank you.

So, this year, ladies, if it
meets with your approval,

my participation in the show will
be turned over to my daughter, Kim.

Oh.

Thank you.

I only hope I can do as good
a job as my mother has done.

Oh, of course, you can, darling.

And now about the professional
guest star for this year's show.

By an overwhelming majority,

our membership voted for
their favorite lady, Phyllis Diller.

And thanks to my efforts,
I'm happy to read this telegram

from Ms. Diller,
who is in Las Vegas.

"My dear Mrs. Carter.

Regarding your charity
show on Friday the 15th,

I will be happy to
come to Los Angeles

and contribute my services
to your worthy cause."

Signed Phyllis Diller.

Oh.

"PS, I would have
responded sooner,

but your telegram was
sent to me through the mail.

It seems Western Union
is afraid to send me a boy."

Isn't she a character?

And now, girls, I think it's
time to hear from our President

of the Chamber of
Commerce, Mr. Harrison Carter.

OK, girls, that's
enough. Go ahead, Harry.

Thank you, Mrs. Carter.

Ladies of the committee,

because of the success
of last year's show

under my supervision,
I suggest that this year,

instead of charging $25 a
plate, we charge $50 a plate.

$50?

- Mr. Carter. Mr. Carter...
- Yes, ma'am?

What makes you think
we can get $50 a plate?

Well, I have two good reasons.

One, the fact that Phyllis
Diller is appearing in the show

and, two, the fact
that Mrs. Carter isn't.

I really think that's a lot
of money for a show even

if Mrs. Carter
isn't in the show.

Really, Harry, I think your
idea of charging $50 a plate

is absolutely ridiculous.

- It is not...
- All right, now, we'll put it into a vote.

All those who agree
with me say, "I".

I.

Thank you, meeting adjourned.

- Mary Jane?
- Uh-huh?

Listen, I just talked to
Mr. and Mrs. Jack Aldworth

and they contributed
a lot of money.

Make sure they
get a great table.

Oh, yeah. This
end is still free.

Oh, good, good.
That's marvelous.

Yeah. Right there.

- Lucille? Lucille?
- Yeah. Yeah, Harry.

- Good afternoon, girls.
- Hi, Harry.

- Well, I've done it again.
- What, what?

Oh, this newspaper ad I
put on the entertainment page

has certainly stimulated
last minute sales.

Good. Good.

And we better get
down to the office

- we have a lot of
reservation to take care of.
- OK, OK.

You take care of the seating
arrangements with Mary Jane,

- will you, darling?
- I will.

- I'll see you later.
- Bye-bye.

Bye-bye, darling.

- You know, Mrs...
- What?

You know Lucille,
supervising the show,

is certain to get me on a tray
to a lot of important people.

Just this afternoon,

I paid a personal visit to
Mayor Yorty at his home.

Oh.

Well, I hope you told
him about the noise

those garbage collectors make.

- Don't we have more important
things to talk about, Lucille.
- Oh?

As he told me, I
was doing a great job

as President of the
Chamber of Commerce.

He also said I had a very
promising future in public life.

- He did?
- Yes.

Ever since I heard those words,

I've been filled with
ambition to be a politician.

Well, I'm sure you're
full of whatever it takes.

What... what did
you mean by that?

Uncle Harry sure is
excited about this show.

Yeah. And I know harry,

he'll want a table right
next to the mayor's.

Well, if I know him, he'll
want to sit in the mayor's lap.

Hello?

Oh no. I'm sorry.
Mrs. Carter just left,

but this is her daughter.

Can I take a message?

Yes.

She what?

Uh... well, listen,
are you sure?

Well, I don't know
what we're going to do.

The show is tomorrow night.

No, I understand.

Yes, thank you, sir.

What, what, what?

That was Phyllis
Diller's manager

and he said that she
got an attack of laryngitis

and she won't be able to
do the show tomorrow night.

Oh no!

How are we going
to tell your mother?

How is she going
to tell Uncle Harry?

He's been taking
vows all over town.

Well, it's not your
mother's fault.

He can't blame her.

You want to bet?

If he has a golf date and
it rains, he blames her.

Oh... we're just going to have to
take out another ad in the paper

telling people not to come.

Oh Kim.

Great. Instead of raising
money for this charity,

it's going to cost us money.

- Kim...
- What?

If Phyllis Diller is ill and
can't appear on our show,

how come it says here, she's
opening tonight at the Orchid Room?

What?

Here, look at the picture.

Oh, Mary Jane. This
isn't Phyllis Diller.

What do you mean isn't?

Well, listen to this.

"Mr. Jim Bailey, the
sensational impressionist

opens tonight for a return
engagement at the Orchid Room.

Jim Bailey's incredible lifelike
portrayals of such starts as

Judy Garland, Barbara Streisand,
Phyllis Diller, Peggy Lee."

Yes, I've heard of him.
My hearing is fabulous.

Yeah, I... Mary Jane...

Jim Bailey might be our
answer. He does Phyllis Diller.

Oh, maybe he'd do it for us.

Oh, Kim. I don't know.

Well, well, if this fooled us,
maybe it will fool everybody.

Oh, but it just
doesn't seem right.

Even your mother wouldn't go
along for a wacky scheme like that.

She doesn't have
to know about it.

Well, what makes you think
Jim Bailey is willing to do it?

Well, I don't know.

But actors are always
doing things for charity.

I'll just tell him my problem
and I'll ask him if he'll help us.

I got to get in touch
with Jim Bailey right now.

Well, now, wait a minute, honey.

This could cause
a lot of trouble

for an awful lot of
important people.

You know, even Mayor Yorty
is going to be here in person.

What if your scheme backfires?

Well, then, the mayor can
stay here in Los Angeles

and it will be my
turn to leave town.

Oh, honey. Did Phyllis
Diller get here yet?

Yes, she just arrived.

Oh, thank goodness.

I don't know what I would have
done if she hadn't shown up.

- I know what I would
have done and to whom.
- Oh stop.

Oh, there's Mayor Yorty.

Good evening, Mr. Mayor.

I am sorry. I'm
a little bit late.

- Oh...
- You know, Mrs. Yorty isn't feeling well.

She got a headache.

Oh, that's too bad.

When I delivered your tickets
to her personally this afternoon,

I talked to her for a long time
and she seemed perfectly well.

Right after you left,
she got a headache.

OK.

Well, I hope you enjoy the show.

I'm sure I will.
I'm sure I will.

- Ah...
- What, what?

Oh, your honor, may I present
my sister-in-law, Mrs. Carter.

Oh, I'm pleased to meet you.

Oh, I'm certainly
glad to meet you, sir.

Mr. Mayor, our trash collectors

they come around very,
very early in the morning

and you wouldn't believe
the racket they made.

Oh, yes, I would.

How do you think I got
these bags under my eyes?

Ah, ha, ha!

But, I'll take your complaint
up with the proper authorities.

Oh, and you're just
the one who can do it.

Mr. Mayor, you know
what I like about you.

What?

Well, I like a person who isn't
afraid to say what they think

even if it means telling
off some big shot politician.

Well, that's a little
trait I got from my wife.

Ladies and gentlemen,

it is now my great
pleasure to introduce to you

the star of our show,

the one and only
Ms. Phyllis Diller.

Oh, you're kidding me?

What can I tell you
about this dress?

I don't dare wear it outside
because every time I do,

it runs right for a tree.

The other day a dog catcher
happened by and tried to impound me.

Well, how rude.

Oh, so what the heck, I bit him.

As most of you can see,

I try to keep myself as
pulled together as possible.

I mean pulled, oh dear.

I go to the beauty parlor.

Oh, I was down at the beauty
parlor today for seven and a half hours

just for the estimate.

They don't even like
for me to come in there.

They have a special entrance
for me marked "Emergency."

I always back in so
they think I'm leaving.

What are you laughing at?

You're waiting for her?

Oh your hair.

Oh, poor, did you cut yourself?

It is her hair.

Oh, you know, your hair
looks just like a sunset

through bloodshot eyes.

Ha-ha, I'd calm
down if I were you, sir.

How do you comb
your hair, with a towel?

Today, I went to
Sears to buy a dress.

I went into the dress
department and up to the sales girl

whom I hated on site.

Oh, she was so young.

She still had a student body.

Couldn't have been sweeter,

I said, "I'd like to see
something cheap in a dress.

She said, "The
mirror is to your left."

I made a bigger blunder. I
went to the lingerie department.

Oh, my gosh. It was terrible.

I went up to the girl, I said, "I want
to see something in a brassiere."

She said, "I bet you would."

I am so tired of getting my
brassieres back from a laundry marked

"Flat Work."

And today, I'm wearing a training
bra right now and it is k*lling me.

Oh, the wheels keep
getting in the way.

And my sister,
oh, you'd love her.

She's much younger
and much more beautiful.

I hate her.

Recently, she was the gorgeous
young thing at a stag party

that jumped out of the cake.

That got me booked
next month for a luau.

I'm going to jump out of a pig.

Oh, listen, I want to talk to you
all right now about plastic surgery

because as most of you
know, I have had my face done.

Of course, this isn't the
new face. This is the old one.

The new one is at
home in the freezer.

I'll never forget the first
day that I had it done.

I came running home.
I ran into the house.

I yelled upstairs,
the old Fang-face.

I said, "I just had
my face lifted."

He said, "Oh really. Well,
some people will steal anything."

You know, I had a friend
who had that great big job

where they pull
everything up from the hips.

Oh, when they pulled
everything up on her,

they had so much left
over, they built five ears.

She looks terrible.

She hears great.

She always has
one earring left over.

I have another friend who has
had her face lifter so many times,

there is nothing in her shoes.

Just recently, I ran
into a friend of mine.

Unfortunately for
her, I was driving.

I know. We have been friends.

I've known her ever since.
We were the same age.

And I did not... I didn't
even recognize her.

That's how bad the job was.

Oh, she walks up to me,
she said, "Hello, Phyllis."

She says, "I have found the
most divine new plastic surgeon.

Oh, I said, "I don't know how
divine is but I'm sure he is new."

She said, "I love him.

He works so cheap."

I said I can tell you
something else about him,

"He is left-handed."

We went to lunch,
I couldn't eat.

You're not going to believe
what happens when broad chews.

Nothing hits.

But deep down inside,
she knows she's in trouble.

She says, "Do you think,
this might hurt my career?"

I couldn't think of one
single career it wouldn't hurt.

I said, "What do you do?"

She says, "I'm
a lipstick model."

"Her career is over.

In closing, I got to tell
you, even with my new face,

I still have a few problems.

Like this morning, I
had my new face on.

I was taking the trash can
outside as the truck pulled away.

I yelled at the driver, "I said,
do you have room for one more?"

He said, "Sure, hop in."

Thank you, I love
you all, goodnight.

Come in, who is it?

Uh... Ms. Diller,

it's Lucille Carter and
Mr. Harrison Carter.

The President of the
Chamber of Commerce.

Oh, come right in.

- Oh.
- Oh, thank you.

I'm getting into
something comfy-pie-poo.

Why don't you make
yourselves a little drinkee?

Oh, well, thank you, Ms. Diller.

I don't usually drink
except on special occasions.

Like when it's free.

Oh, I'm going to help myself.

Oh, I knew you'd find it.

- Oh, look, Harry...
- What, what?

OK, we're ready
for the next num...

Oh, hi, sweetheart.

Mom, Uncle Harry? What
are you doing back here?

Well, we came back to congratulate
Ms. Diller on her great performance.

Yes.

Oh, well, then I guess
you've already met...

No, no, no. She's changing
into something comfy-pie-poo.

You know, Kim, tonight
is a night Uncle Harry and I

will remember for
a long, long time.

Oh, you can say that again.

I'll bet you will.

Hi folks.

Hello.

Mother, Uncle Harry, this is Jim
Bailey, the famous impressionist.

- Oh, how do you do?
- How do you do?

Impressionist?

Oh, what impressions
do you do, sir?

Oh, well, um...
A-ha-ha! You, poor thing!

Did you cut yourself?
Oh, it's your hair?

You know, your hair
looks just like a sunset

through bloodshot eyes.

Well, come on, Jim.
Let's go, we're on.

You better hurry up!

You're going to miss
the rest of the show.

Jim?

Lucy, did you
see Phyllis Diller?

I don't know what we saw.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, when I
introduced Phyllis Diller this evening,

I introduced her as the one
and only Ms. Phyllis Diller.

Well, that wasn't quite true.

You see, the real Phyllis
Diller had an attack of laryngitis

and couldn't be
with us this evening.

Oh...

The Phyllis Diller that you
met and enjoyed so much

was that great
impressionist, Jim Bailey.

Wow!

And here he is now.

The incredible, Mr. Jim Bailey.

Ah-ha. I fooled you, didn't I?

On behalf of all the people who
worked so hard to put this charity show on,

I would like to thank you all
very, very much for your generosity

and your good sportsmanship.

And now, with the aid of my
accomplice, my very charming accomplice,

Ms. Kim Carter and I would
like to do a number for you.

[Singing] Never know
how I much I love you

Never know how much I care

When you put your arms around me

I get a fever that's
so hard to bear

You give me fever

When you kiss me

Fever when you hold me tight

Fever in the morning

Fever all through the night

The sun lights up the daytime

The moon lights up the night

I light up when you call my name

And I know I'm
gonna treat you right

You give me fever

When you kiss me

Fever when you hold me tight

Fever in the morning

Fever all through the night

Everybody's got the fever

That is something you all know

Fever isn't such a new thing

Fever started long ago

Romeo loved Juliet

Juliet she felt the same

When he put his arms around her

He said, "Julie,
baby, you're my flame"

Now give it fever

Fever with that flame in you

Fever I'm a fire

Fever yeah I burn for you

Now, you listen to our story

Here's the part
that we have made

Chicks were born
to give you fever

Fahrenheit or centigrade

They give you fever

Fever If you live you learn

Fever

What a lovely way to burn

What a lovely way to burn

What a crazy way to burn

What a lovely way to burn

What a lovely way to burn