05x15 - Lucy Is Really in a Pickle

[bunniefuu]

[Announcer] Here's Lucy.

Starring Lucille Ball.

Co-starring Gale Gordon

and Lucie Arnaz.

I don't believe it.

You're here already?

Typing?

I heard the sound
out in the hall.

I thought there was a
woodpecker in the office.

Good morning, Harry.

Good morning,
Lucille, good morning.

"sl*ve girls moved
among the guests,

pouring wine.

Marcus pulled a beautiful
sl*ve girl down beside him

and crushed her to him in a..."

Since when do we
cater Roman orgies?

Harry, it's a novel I'm
typing up for a friend.

A chance to earn to
some extra money.

Oh, that's nice.

On my paper and on my time?

Not at all. I bought the paper.

I came in here at 8 to do the
typing and I'm stopping now at 9.

- You had been here since 8 o'clock?
- That's right.

Lucille, I thought the 8 on
your watch was crossed out.

Oh, Harry, will you stop?

I needed some extra money.

Now, I figured it was easier
to do some extra typing

than to dance to the
no-you-can't-have-a-raise waltz with you.

- You figured right.
- Yeah.

Carter, Unique
Employment Agency.

Oh Steve. How are you?

You what?

You need a girl for
a TV commercial?

Steve, we don't usually
handle that kind of thing.

Oh, you don't want an actress.

Uh-huh.

Just a plain
ordinary-looking girl.

A new... new face.

Something a little offbeat?

Well, Steve, let me think it
over and I'll call you back.

OK. All right.

Goodbye.

Forget it.

Well, Harry, I'm a plain,
ordinary-looking girl

with a face that's
new to television.

I can look offbeat

and I just know that I could
demonstrate any product beautifully.

Not a chance.

But, Harry, I need the money.

I'm trying to save
up for a new coat.

Nothing doing.

But why?

Because, A, you
already have a job.

What's B?

B stands for boss,
and as your boss,

I don't have to give
you any more than A.

Boy, Harry, your all heart

and soybean meal
and beef byproducts.

Mean mouthing me
won't do any good either.

You don't have time
to take the day off

to go lollygagging
around some TV studio.

Yeah, well, I would have
time if I just quit my job here.

Oh?

Anyway, there'll
never be the day.

You know, Harry,

sometimes, they re-run those
commercials over and over

and every time they do, the
performer gets residual payment.

- A residual payment?
- That's right.

I know a girl who
got $25,000 one year.

- $25,000?
- That's right.

You see, my agent would get 10%.

That means he'd get 2500.

You have an agent?

No, not yet, but they're
very easy to come by.

Oh, they are?
They are very easy.

Oh very... but you wouldn't
even have to get out of your seat.

You could... I'd be
very happy to... I could...

Harry, you don't even
look like an agent.

Besides, you don't have time
to lollygag around the TV studio.

Oh, I do. I'd make time.

I could squeeze it in sometime
between... I do have time.

I'll call Steve and tell
him we have a deal.

Oh yeah.

Oh and Lucille, get out the papers,
so we can make up our contract.

- Our contract?
- Yeah, yeah.

Won't a handshake do?

No.

Steve, baby!

Do I have a girl for you!

Come in.

Harry?

Of course, it's Harry.

What happened to you?

Well, Lucille, I figured if I'm
going to be a Hollywood agent,

I might as well dress the part.

- You sure have.
- Yeah.

Oh, Lucille, and you know,
I've been thinking about this,

this may lead to something big.

A lot of people got
started doing commercials.

That's right.

Who knows you may
soon be a big star?

- Really, Harry?
- Yeah, yeah.

Oh, did you study that script
I got you from the studio?

Yeah, but there's
just one thing, Harry.

I didn't know this
commercial was about pickles

and it says I have to eat one.

I hate pickles.

You love pickles.

I do not! I hate pickles!

For my $2500, you adore pickles.

I stopped by the market and bought
them so that we could rehearse.

Now, let's run through
this once or twice, huh?

Here they are. Here they are.

Now, the scene is a picnic
in the park, you know?

Now, you take a jar of
pickles out of the picnic basket,

you hold it up,

- and you look right into the camera...
- Yeah, yeah.

- And you say...
- I know, I know.

Now, do it. Do it.

Thank goodness!

I remembered to bring
Polly Parker's Perky Pickles.

Mmm, they're delicious.

Yes, Polly Parker's Perky
Pickles make any picnic perfect.

Polly's Pickles will
tickle your palate.

Mmm, so next time
you're planning a picnic,

pick up a pint of Polly
Parker's Perky Pickles.

Mmm, they're delicious.

Now, that's... that's very good.

Now, do it and take
a bite of the pickle.

Now, Harry, I don't
want to bite the pickle.

I hate pickles.

Lucille, you'll have to do it
when you do the commercial.

- Yeah, well...
- Do... do it, do it, do it.

Once more, come on, come on.

Thank goodness!

I remembered to bring
Polly Parker's Perky Pickles.

Oh... they're delicious.

Yes, Polly Parker's Perky
Pickles make any pernic pefect...

Picnic perfect.

Pelly's Parkles will
pickle your talate.

Polly's Tickles will
tackle your pellet.

So next time you're
picking a panic,

planning a picnic,

pine up a pick a pickle
parker's perky pack.

I mean, pick up a pint of
Pender's Polly Pickles Perky.

Mmm...

They are delicious.

Why can't you do it
right? It isn't that hard.

- Oh, isn't it?
- No.

All right, let me see you do it.

Very well.

Thank heavens!

- I remembered to bring
Polly Parker's Perky Pickles.
- Never mind all that.

Just bite into the pickle.

They're deli...

Yeah, see? See?

Oh, see, see yourself.

I'm not the one who's going
to be in front of that camera

doing a commercial.

You are.

Now, come on. Do
it again. Do it again.

Oh, Harry. Now, do I have to?

Yes, you have to.

You've got to get used
to it. Now, come on.

Used to it! But I'll
never get used to them.

Yes, you will. Go on. Go on.

Well... Thank goodness!

I remembered to bring
Pickle Polly's Peter Piper.

Peter Parker Pickle
Polly's Pepper.

Oh, Harry, it's no
use. I can't do it.

- Yes you can.
- I just can't do it.

- I can't.
- You are not concentrating.

- Yes, I am.
- We are going to get
it right if it takes all night.

- But Harry!
- Oh, no tears.

Come on. Do it again.
Do it again. Do it again.

Oh, thank goodness!

I remembered to bring
Polly Parker's Perky Pickles.

Hi, mom. Hi, Uncle Harry.

Hey, wait until you find out
what I brought you for dinner?

I went to that new deli and got
some corned beef, potato salad,

oh, and some huge
yummy dill pickles.

What did I say?

Don't ask!

Hi, Harry!

Oh... ah... what?

Oh, there you are, Lucille.

- I must have dozed off.
- Yeah.

You know, I'm not used to staying
up to 3 o'clock in the morning.

Oh, I know what you mean.
I'm pretty bushed myself.

Lucille, are you sure you
will go through with this?

You know, after all,
I recommended you

and I... I don't want
to be embarrassed.

I know. Now, don't worry.

I worked on it all
last night after you left

and I've got it down cold.

- Now, watch this.
- Oh, yeah.

Thank goodness!

I remembered to bring
Polly Parker's Perky Pickles.

Mmm... oh, they're delicious.

How... how did you do
that without making a face?

I hollowed out the pickles
and filled them with fudge.

Pickles and fudge?

Yeah, it's kind of a
crazy new taste thrill.

- Want a bite?
- No!

No. Thank you.

You know, I may put
them on the market.

- I could call it a pickle-udge.
- Ew!

Hello, Harry!

Steve! Steve.

Oh, this is the young
lady I told you about,

Lucille Carter, Steve Thomson.

- How do you do?
- Hello.

Did you learn that commercial?

Yes, sir. I know it
backwards and forwards.

Oh, too bad, because
we're not going to do it.

Why not?

Well, sponsor has a
whole new concept now.

They want to do a musical number
with her dressed like a pickle.

Dressed like a pickle?

Uh-huh.

Say, do you sing and dance?

- Oh, well... Well, I can sing.
- And dance?

Uh... well, as a
matter of fact, I...

- Of course, she can dance.
- Harry... you see, sir,

I broke my leg
skiing and it's OK,

but my doctor doesn't want me
to do anything really strenuous

for a couple more months.

Oh, that's a shame.

Look, I'm awfully sorry, but I'm afraid
I'll have just to get somebody else.

I hope you understand.

Oh yes sir, I understand.

- Steve?
- I'm sorry, Harry.

Well... you...

Well, thanks a lot,
Lucille. Thanks a lot.

There goes the job.

It wasn't my fault. You
know what the doctor said.

Nonsense. What does he know?

Tell me, Harry, where
did you take your training?

Johns Hopkins or Mayo?

Well, I may not know much about
bones, but I know a lot about money.

And you just cost me a bundle.

Do you mean you're actually
putting money before my health?

Well...

OK, Harry.

You finally showed your true
colors and they're all green.

Lucille, are you going to sit
there and mope all evening?

I might.

There's no use
crying over spilled milk.

That's a catchy phrase.
Did you just make that up?

Well you don't
have to get nasty.

Lucille, if you're not going to
eat that lamb chop my I have it?

Help yourself.

Thank you.

How can you eat
after what's happened?

Eating is the only thing that
takes my mind off the fact

that you have cost
me a lot of money.

You know, Harry, it's not
just losing that commercial

that upsets me.

But what am I going to
tell Mary Jane and Vanda

and everybody
down at the office?

Oh, well, that's what you get for
being such a big blabbermouth.

I'm surprised you didn't
tell them exactly where

you are going to put
your Emmy Award.

On the mantle by the clock.

Oh great.

Hi folks.

Oh, hi, Kim.

Hello.

Well, now, I couldn't have
said anything wrong again.

All I said was hi.

I'm sorry, baby.

I'm in a bad humor because
I didn't get that commercial.

Oh, what happened?
I thought it was all set.

Yeah, well...

They changed their minds,
wanted me to dress like a pickle.

Dress like a pickle?

And sing and dance.

So, we blew the job,
thanks to Ms. Brittle Bones.

Oh, what a shame.

That was probably just as well.

I understand having your own
weekly TV series is a real grind.

Well, I wish there was something
I can do to help you, mom.

Thank you, darling.

Kim, dear, just a minute.

Maybe you can
help. Maybe, you can.

Yes, we may not have
loose that commercial after all.

- I've just had an idea.
- What, Harry, what?

Well, now, you could do the
singing, you could do the dancing.

I'll sell them two pickles
for the price of one.

Now, wait a minute, Uncle Harry.

I don't want to be seen all around
the country dressed as a pickle.

Kim, it's good enough for me.

Well, you'll do anything.

Watch it, young lady.

- I thought you said
you wanted to help.
- Yeah.

If all my friends
will see it and laugh.

- Kim, I don't see any reason...
- Oh, never mind, Harry.

If she doesn't want
to do it, don't force her.

After all, it doesn't make
any difference to her

if I blowup a whole career.

Kim, do you want to see
that look on your mother's face

for the rest of your life?

All right. I know when I licked.

I'll do it.

- Oh, thank you, dear.
- Good, good.

- I'll call Steve at home right now.
- OK.

Kim, dear, look at it this way.

This may be a big
opportunity for you, too.

Who knows?

You may dance your way into the
hearts and stomachs of America.

As a pickle?

Well... OK.

Harry, where are the girls?

They're getting
into the costumes.

- Oh good.
- OK.

- We're all set.
- Good. That's fine.

- Hey, you look great!
- Thanks a lot.

I've never seen
lovelier pickles.

Thank you, thank you.

He's right, girls.
You look sensational.

You see, Kim?

Apparently, we were
destined to be gherkins.

Oh, that's great, Mrs. Carter.

Now, you want to
run through the song?

OK.

[Singing] I know a
pickle that's so great

That's so great

The yummiest you ever ate

Ever ate

Polly Parker's
Pickles are the most

From north to south
and coast to coast

Polly Parker's Perky Pickles

Are the pickles that will tickle

There are bread and butter,
kosher dill, iceberg, too

For you and you and you and you

Yes, and you

They have a flavor that is new

That is new

Get Polly Parker's
Pickles at the store

And you will eat them evermore

Polly Parker's Perky Pickles
Are the pickles that will tickle

There are bread and butter,
kosher dill, and iceberg, too

For you and you and you and you

Yes, and you

They have a flavor
that is new That is new

Get Polly Parker's
Pickles at the store

And you will eat them evermore

- Great girls! Just great!
- Yeah.

Oh, you're sensational.

- Harry, it's a hit.
- Yeah.

OK, everybody,
let's go to lunch.

Be back here at 1 o'clock,

then Studio B and will
sh**t the commercial.

OK.

Oh, good idea, let's go
and get something to eat.

Harry, I'm not hungry. I'm
going to stay here and rest.

I don't know how
those pickles do it.

Well, Kim and I will
go and get something.

I'm not going out in
the street in this outfit.

With what they wear
today, who'd notice?

All right. I'll bring
you a sandwich.

What do you want?

Just a hamburger
with lettuce and tomato

and hold the Polly Parker's.

Huh, got you.

Listen, mom, I'm going to go
and find that choreographer.

There's a couple of steps
here I'm not too sure about.

All right.

You're not too sure about.

Oh, did you find your mother?

No, nobody's seen her. She
isn't in the studio anywhere.

I can't imagine
her wandering off

when she knows we
have to film the commercial.

I know. It's really weird.

Oh, everything your
mother does is weird.

Oh...

Uncle Harry, maybe we
ought to call the police.

Who would I ask for?

The Bureau of Missing Pickle?

Oh, if she doesn't show up,

I will chop her
into a pickle lily.

- Have you found Mrs. Carter yet?
- Not yet, no.

But I got to sh**t
this at 1 o'clock.

Well, I know, I know.

As her agent, I
guarantee she'll be here.

She'll be here.

Mom!

Are you all right?

Yeah, well, I'm all right
for a pickle of my condition.

What happened?

Well, you know, I was
tired and I wanted to rest

and I found the pickles
have trouble sitting down.

So I thought I'd lie down
on a cart that I saw over there

and all of a sudden... zap!

The next thing I know, I
was rolling down the hall

- and right out into the street.
- Ugh!

But there's a very steep
hill right outside there.

Yeah.

It's a lot of steeper when you
go whizzing down it head first.

What happened then?
Where did you go?

Oh, Harry, everywhere.

You haven't lived until you
go on through the intersection

of Sunset and Vine
underneath a bus.

Well, how did you
finally get stopped?

The police put up a road block.

They arrested you?

No.

They finally decided it wasn't
against the law for a pickle to go


in a business zone.

Oh, you poor thing!

Well, I guess after what's happened,
you don't want to do the commercial.

Don't be silly. Are you kidding?

Of course, I want you
to do the commercial.

In fact, you've given
me a great new idea.

Harry, we're going
to cut the song

and we're going to sh**t the
whole thing in San Francisco

with you two going down
this steep hill on a large plate.

What?

No way!

I am not going to ride
down a hill on anything.

Well, of course, not!

Steve, how could you
even think of such a thing?

I won't let them do it.

I'll double their salaries.

They'll do it.

Harry!

Thanks a lot, Uncle Harry.

Oh, this will be the wildest
commercial I've ever made.

I can just see you two going
downhill after hill after hill

after hill and finally disappearing
as the announcer says,

"Polly Parker's Pickles
are really out of sight."

Yeah.