05x16 - Lucy Goes on Her Last Blind Date

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy.

Starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon

and Lucy Arnaz.

I'll have just plain
vanilla ice cream, Sam.

OK, Sam, make that two
plain vanilla ice cream.

Make it three plain
vanilla, Sammy.

Alrighty, Love.

Oh, you two.

What's everybody going
to do Saturday night?

Well, Saturday night
Sam and I are eating out.

Where are you going?

Here.

Here?

You call coming here eating out?

As long as I don't have
to cook in my apartment,

I call that eating out.

Marvin is taking
me to the movies.

What are you going to do, Lucy?

I'm going to stay home
and curl up with a good book.

Oh, that doesn't
sound very exciting.

Just as exciting as curling
up with Sam and Marvin.

Well!

Really.

Yeah.

Don't pay any attention
to her. She's just jealous.

Listen, Lucy, why don't I
ask Marvin to fix you up

with one of his friends,

and then we could all
go to the movies together.

No, thank you.

After my last blind
date, I took a vow.

I am never, never going
on a blind date again.

Oh, here we are.

- For you.
- Mm-hmm.

For you.

And for you.

Thanks, Sammy.

Sweets to the sweet.

Oh, boy, isn't it amazing
what a little blah will do?

Just kidding.

- Oh, hello, girls. Hello.
- Oh, hi, Harry.

Say, I'm glad I found you three.

You're usually
just looking for me.

What's up?

May I join you?

Why not?

Lucille, I just had a
call from Ben Fletcher.

Who he?

He's my cousin
on my mother side.

He lives in Indiana.

Well, he's coming
out here for a visit,

and I promised that I'd get
him a date for Saturday night.

Now, which one of you is free?

- Oh, not me, Harry. I'm busy.
- Oh.

Oh, me, too.

Me, too.

Lucy, you said you were going
to stay home and curl... ow!

Well, Lucille, it looks like
you're the lucky winner.

No, thank you, Harry.

I'm not having
anymore blind dates.

Now, Lucille...

But listen, Lucy, he may turn
out to be the man of your dreams.

Yeah. He may really be cute.

Is he cute, Harry?

Oh, he was the
last time I saw him.

Of course, he was
only 10 years old.

You mean, you haven't seen
this duck since he was 10?

Well, now look, I hear that
he's attractive, he's charming,

and he's very intelligent.

He's an author.

An author?

I don't care. I am not
having another blind date.

Lucille, let me put it this way.

If you don't go on this date
with him on Saturday night,

don't come to work
Monday morning.

Oh!

Well, what's the harm in having
one more blind date for the road?

- Luigi.
- Yes, signora.

Luigi, did I happen to have a
call from a Mr. Ben Fletcher?

No. No one called, Mrs. Carter.

Oh, no one called. Thank you.

Lucy?

Ben?

I'm sorry I'm late.

I took a wrong
turn on the freeway.

I wound up in Long
Beach three times.

Three times?

Yeah, well, it
turned out all right.

The third time I decided to stay
and take a tour of the Queen Mary.

You took the time to
tour the Queen Mary?

Yeah, well it was worth it.

The first I ever saw a
hotel in the shape of a ship.

Well, would you
care to sit down?

Oh, yeah!

Uh, shall we order?

Okee-doke.

Although, I'm not too hungry I
had tea and crumpets on the Mary.

- Luigi.
- Yes, signora.

We'd like to see
the menus, please.

Thank you.

I don't know if you've noticed,
but this is all in a foreign language.

It's Italian.

Italian?

Yeah.

You kind of have to expect that in
a restaurant called the Villa Roma.

Oh, gee...

I knew it was
Italian all the time.

I'm a big kidder.

You know, frankly my
Italian isn't very good.

Why don't we have
Luigi order for us.

Well, that's using
the old noggin.

- Luigi.
- Yes, signora.

Luigi, we'd like you
to order for us, please.

Leave it to Luigi.

I promise you it
will be bellissimo.

Well, are you having a
good time in Los Angeles?

Oh, boy am I?

Yesterday, I spent three
hours looking at the footprints

over at Grauman's
Chinese Theater.

Three hours?

Well, to tell you the truth,

I got my foot caught in the
hoof prints of Roy Rogers horse.

Well, that couldn't
happen to just anybody.

Yeah, then the afternoon I took
a tour of the movie stars' homes.

Oh? Really?

I saw Jimmy Stewart's
gardener taking out the trash.

Well, you're really
hitting the high spots.

Are you going sightseeing
again tomorrow?

No, darn it, I can't.

I have to see about some
property my grandpa left me.

He bought it when he
was out here in the '20s.

In the '20s?

That must be very valuable now?

No, I doubt it.

It's probably way out in
the boondocks some place.

You know, grandpa never have
much of a head for business.

He came to California
with just two things in mind,

to start a miniature golf
course and marry Ruby Keeler.

The miniature golf
boom collapsed

and Ruby's number
wasn't in the phone book,

grandpa went back to Indiana
and took right to his bed.

Well, now that's too bad.

Uh, Harry tells me that you're
a writer, what do you write?

Short stories, novels?

No, I write verses
for greeting cards.

Greeting cards.

My, you must be very clever.

Oh, no, not really.

Although one of my
diddy's did win little prize.

Would you like to hear it?

Well, maybe sometime.

"Sorry to hear
that you are sick,

we all hope you all get worse.

The doctor says
you get well quick

if you don't take a
turn for the nurse."

If you don't take a
turn for the nurse.

- That's cute.
- Yeah.

And I wrote another nifty one.

- It's for dad on Mother's Day.
- Oh.

"Although today is Mother's
Day, it really is your day, too.

Mom wouldn't have
a Mother's Day,

if it haven't been for you."

Get it?

Yeah. I got it.

But, I think my
all-time favorite...

- How about a breadstick?
- Oh, yeah.

Hey, they are big
rascals, aren't they?

Would you like to
split one with me?

Sure.

There, you got the long
end, you get to wish.

Oh, if I only could.

Well, I just don't believe
it. Then what happened?

Well, Ben kept going on and
on with his greeting card verses.

The one that sticks in my mind

was the combination
Christmas and get-well card.

"Merry Christmas, Uncle Jack.

I hope it's all gone
the pain in your back."

Oh, you poor thing.

Poor thing is right.

And when the check came,

he whistled, choked
and borrowed $20.

- Lucy, what a miserable evening?
- Oh, well.

- Oh, you must be exhausted.
- Well, just you know...

Lucille, Lucille.

I just had call from Ben, and I
have marvelous news for you?

Ben is going to give me
back the $20 he owes me.

Oh, move over,
move over, move over.

Look, look.

Did Ben mention to you some
property that his grandfather left him?

You mean that stuff
out in the boondocks?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, that stuff out
in the boondocks

proved to be 20 acres
right in the middle of Bel-Air.

Bel-Air!

Yes. My first cousin is
now worth a million dollars!

- A million dollars!
- Wow!

Whoopi for Ben.

Oh, but, Lucy, don't you
see what this means?

You are dating a
real life millionaire.

Make that past tense, dated.

I am never going
out with Ben again.

Tut, tut, tut, tut,
that isn't quite true.

I accepted a date
with him for tonight.

Good. Maybe you
two can go dancing.

I mean, I accepted a
date for you for tonight.

No, I'm not going.

Now, Lucille, I can't
see what harm there is

in having a second
date with Ben.

Well, that's because you didn't
have the first date with Ben.

Now, believe me, Harry,
money is not going to change him.

He was a corn-ball and
now he is a rich corn-ball.

But, Lucille, he's very
anxious to see you again.

Besides he wants to pay
back the $20 he borrowed.

- Oh?
- Yeah.

Oh, well.

All right. But only
to get my $20 back.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

I certainly
appreciate it, Lucille.

After all he is related to
me on my money side.

Uh, my mother side!

You were right
the first time, Harry.

- Kim?
- Hmm.

How's that look?

Oh, that's pretty.
That's pretty.

- Mom, there's one thing
I don't understand.
- What?

If you don't really
dig this Ben character

why are you having
him here for dinner?

Well, that way I don't have
to be seen with him in public.

Is he really that bad?

Let me put it this way,
on a scale of 1 to 10,

- he owes the scale two points.
- Oh, mother.

Well, listen. I'll
see you later.

Have fun.

Oh, sure.

Ben?

In the flesh.

Well, how do you
like the new image?

Am I with it?

With it?

I think you may have passed it.

Oh, thank you.

And get a load of this,

genuine fake leopard.

Genuine fake
leopard, my goodness.

Well, you just can't
wear any old thing

with a brand new
Italia Ferrari sports car.

You bought a Ferrari?

You betcha and
she's really neat.

Well, this calls for a little
old dry Martini on the rocks

and be careful
don't bruise the gin.

Well, I'm sorry I
don't have any gin.

I thought we just have
some wine with dinner.

Well, that's okee-doke with me.

By the way, I never know.

What does that
mean bruise the gin?

I don't know either.

I heard it in a Cary
Grant movie once.

Well, dinner will be
ready in a moment.

- Say, Lucy.
- Yeah.

I was going to hold
off until after dinner, but

I just can't wait to give you
this present I bought for you.

A present?

Yeah.

I didn't think I'd have the
nerve to give it to you but,

well, after you invited me to your
house for a home-cooked meal,

well, back home that
only means just one thing.

Well, what one thing
is that I'm afraid?

Well, you know.

Old shoes, orange
blossoms, bells ringing.

Oh!

Oh, Ben.

Oh, it's beautiful,
but Ben I can't.

Now, I know what
you're going to say,

it's all so sudden but that's
when things happen sometimes.

While I was shaving tonight,

I made up a little
verse to fit the occasion.

- Oh, you did.
- Yeah.

"I never believed
in love at first sight

'til I met you last
Saturday night.

Twang!

Damn cupid shot his dart,

and hit the bulls
eye of my heart."

Well, that's very nice, Ben.

Let's just see how
the old sparkler fits.

Oh.

Oh, wow.

Ah, now, Ben, listen.

Listen there's just
something I have to say.

You don't have to say anything.
I know exactly how you feel.

I'm just as
overwhelmed as you are.

As I was once wrote on
one of my Valentine biggies.

"For our moment such as this,
I tell my feelings with a kiss."

- Ben.
- I'm sorry.

I lost my head there.

Is there something burning?

Oh, my roast!

Oh, I bet it's ruined.

Oh, don't you
worry about a thing.

We'll just hop on my old Ferrari

and tool down to
Chasen's for supper.

Lucy, this is the most beautiful
ring I've ever seen in my life.

Look at it sparkle.

Wow!

Me next, me next.

Oh, Liz Taylor,
eat your heart out.

Yeah. It's very pretty,
but what am I going to do?

You mean after the wedding?

No, I mean, how am I going to
convince Ben that I can't marry him.

Oh now, Lucy,
don't be too hasty.

He, I'm sure, has some
very good qualities.

I'm sure he has Mary
Jane, but I don't love him.

Well, what is that
got to do with it.

Oh, come on.

Would you honestly
marry a man you didn't love

just because he
had a million dollars?

Yes!

Oh, I don't believe you two.

Even Harry wouldn't
be that crass.

Lucille! Lucille, I
just talked to Ben.

Let me see the ring, the ring!

Oh, look at that... oh.

I was wrong. He
would be that crass.

Not a single flaw.

Too bad you can't say
the same thing about Ben.

I'm giving him this
ring back tonight.

Lucille! Lucille!

You mean that... all right,
Lucille, let's face the facts.

In the first place,
Ben is a good sort.

Second, he's loaded.

And third, you are
no spring chicken.

Oh, boy, Harry!

Now be reasonable, Lucille.

Do you want all that money to get
out of our family and go to strangers?

I don't care who
gets that money.

Oh! Bite your tongue!

All right look, will you
just get off my back.

I am going to tell Ben,
no, and that is that.

Oh no, no, no, no.

Oh, Harry, don't cry.

I can't help it.
I can't help it.

But at least do one thing,

if you are going to
break your engagement,

have the common
decency to keep the ring!

Oh, look that.

Oh!

All right, Mom, I give up.

Why do you need my
make-up kit from drama class?

Well, freaky Ben is coming
to take me to dinner tonight.

Well, make up won't help him.

Why don't you just erase
him and start from scratch.

Never mind.

I'm going to try to
give Ben his ring back.

And If he won't take it,

I need the kit for a
wild scheme I have.

Wild for you or wild
for an ordinary person?

You know, I'd turn you over my
knee but you're bigger than I am.

And don't you forget it.

I'll be at Wanda's.

- All right, honey, will you put this
in the kitchen for me?
- Yeah.

- Thank you.
- Good luck.

Yeah, I'm going to need it.

Hope you don't mind,

I thought I'd go
informal tonight.

Well, how do you like
it? It's called kaftan.

Whatever that is.

I like it, I like it.

My you, you certainly
have a lot of new clothes.

Yeah. You know something
I sure like being rich.

Sure beats the heck
out of being poor.

So, I've heard, yeah.

Well, let's get this
show on the road.

I thought we'd fly out to San
Francisco and walk around Chinatown.

Oh, well, that sounds
very exciting, but

Ben, I think it's time that we
had a little heart-to-heart talk.

- Oh, yeah, I'd like to have a
heart-to-heart talk with you, too.
- Good.

Whoops.

I guess I'm not used
to wearing a dress.

Uh, Ben, there's something
that you should know.

Now, I'm very fond of you.

Oh, that's good because
I'm very fond of you, too.

Yeah, well, let me finish.

OK. sh**t.

Ben, we don't really
know each other very well

after all this is
only our third date.

So I am... well,

I just don't think that we
should become engaged.

Crimin' Italy's. Is that
all that's bothering you?

Why, my mom and dad got engaged

in the middle of their
first square dance.

He popped the question right
between all men left and all men right

and she accepted on do-si-do.

Well, I guess there's
nothing else to do but

just tell you the real
reason why we can't marry.

It's a deep family secret.

A family secret?

Yes, Ben.

For just hundreds of years,

all through my family there's
been an odd kind of quirk.

How do you mean?

Do you remember the movie
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?

Oh yeah.

Well, every time
there's a full moon,

I turn from Lucy
Jekyll to Lucy Hyde.

I become a beast.

Oh?

Well, what's the reason
we can't get married?

Ben, you've got to believe me
when the moon is full I go berserk.

Oh, pooh, Lucy!

You're just pulling my leg.
Why, the moon is full right now.

I saw it on my way over here,

and you are as
normal as blueberry pie.

Anyway, as long
as were confessing,

we have kind of an odd
thing in our family, too.

I know.

Well, it's kind of embarrassing,

but for some reason my family
got stuck on certain names.

You see originally, my grandfather,
Ben, was one of the two brothers.

The other brother is named Fred.

Then Ben had two sons and
he named them Ben and Fred.

Meanwhile, Fred had two sons.

He named them Fred and Ben.

So everybody got referred to
them as Ben's Ben, and Ben's Fred,

or Fred's Fred, and Fred's Ben.

And when Ben's
Ben got married...

Uh, uh, would you
excuse me for a moment

I have to look at
something in the kitchen.

Oh, sure. Go, right ahead.

You just keep right on
talking. I can hear you.

And it's kind of
fascinating ain't it?

Oh, it sure is.

Yeah. Where was I?

Uh, Ben's Ben just got married.

Oh yeah, Ben's Ben got married.

That was my father.

Well, he named me
Ben and my brother Fred.

Then my uncle Fred married and
named two of his sons Ben and Fred.

So in order to know who you
were talking about you had to say,

Ben's Fred's Ben, or Ben's Ben's

Ben, or Ben's Fred's
Ben, or Ben's Fred's Fred.

Well, we thought we had a
breakthrough when my cousin Fred

named his two boys John and
George, but would you know it?

John had two sons and
named them John and George.

George named two of
his boys George and John,

so now we have George's of
George, and George's of John,

and John's John,
John's and George!

Well, that certainly
sounds confusing.

Eh, well we got
or got used to it but

one year a census taker came to
town and after an hour and a half,

her hair turned snow white and
she went streaking out of town.

I can still see the
look on her face.

Boy, she was just...

Boy, he gave me a
startle there for minute.

I thought you were
still in the kitchen.

Now, now, now,
just calm down now.

The moon the outside...

Maybe there's an
eclipse tonight, I hope.

Well easy now, easy, easy,
easy... just, just, just easy.

Nice, nice kitty, nice kitty.

Well, she was right!