05x18 - Lucy Goes to Prison

[bunniefuu]

[Announcer] Here's Lucy.

Starring Lucille Ball.

Co-starring Gale Gordon

All right, here you are Harry,
all ready for your signature.

Thank you, thank you.

This is odd.

What?

No mistakes.

Harry, I didn't know
about this appointment,

who's Warren Magenetti?

He called while you were out
on your two-hour lunch hour

and it isn't Warren,
it's Warden Magenetti.

Oh, warden.

So they finally caught
up with you, huh?

Yeah, I bet they
booked you on an 804.

What's an 804?

Contributing to the
poverty of a secretary.

Get to work, get
to work, really.

Mr. Carter...

Oh, Warden Magenetti?

Yes.

- How do you do, sir?
- How are you?

And how are you Mrs. Carter

and how are your
children Kim and Craig?

Well, we're just
fine, thank you.

Have we met before, Warden?

Only through the FBI.

You mean the FBI
is checking on me?

Oh, it's just a routine
security check on both of you.

Oh.

And you know Warden,
I am very curious.

Now, how can my employment
agency possibly serve you?

Well Mr. Carter, we want
you to supply a woman

who can effectively post
as a convicted criminal

and share a jail cell with a
very crafty female bank robber.

Share a cell and
live like a prisoner?

That's right.

We need her to try to get some
information out of this old girl.

Her name is Mumsie Westcott.

- Mumsie Westcott, huh?
- That's right.

Now, if the woman you find for
us can get Mumsie's confidence

and find out where she
has hid the $300,000 loot,

the insurance company
will pay a reward of $30,000.

$30,000?

For that kind of money,

I'm tempted to slip
into a moo-moo myself.

And now naturally, the
woman you find for us

must be unknown
in the criminal world

and if she can't get
the information we want,

as long as she's in prison,
she will get $400.00 a week.

Prisoner number 13579
reporting for duty, sir.

You, Mrs. Carter?

You're volunteering?

Yes, sir.

Never.

I will never subject
a cherished a relative

to the rigors and
dangers of prison life.

Well now, that doesn't
sound like you, Harry.

All right, let me put it this way, my
commission is 15% of that reward

and I don't want some
dumb-dumb lousing it up.

That sounds like you, Harry.

Well now let’s not be
too hasty about this.

From what I know about Mrs.
Carter plus my opinion of her,

she just might be
what the doctor ordered.

Oh, well I just know I can
handle it for you, warden.

I can be just as tough
as you want me to get.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah...

Lucille, Lucille...

Oh, and yeah to you too,
you old money grubber.

- Well now hardness
isn't necessary, Mrs. Carter.
- Oh.

- You see, Mumsie Westcott is
not the hardened criminal type.
- Oh.

She is a character.

She is absent-minded, forgetful.

She's a real oddball.

Well, they certainly
have a lot in common.

Oh Harry.

Now, are you sure
you want to do this?

Yes, sir.

Remember, you will be treated
just like every other prisoner.

Well, I'm ready.

It's just a question of
whether it's your prison or his

and yours pays more.

Thanks for seeing
me along, love.

Oh, anytime.

I might be stepping out tonight.

If I do, don't wait up for me.

[Singing] Katie, Katie, Kate

won't you come to
the ring for a skate

It's the latest craze
of the present day

They give you a
push and you roll away

Hey, I've been here
longer than I thought.

Yeah, this is getting
quite comfortable.

What are you in for?

Highway robbery.

- Highway robbery?
- Yeah, I stole Route 66.

OK Red, hold the funny stuff.

I brought you a
roommate, Mumsie.

- Hi.
- Hi.

You know, this is a very
embarrassing situation.

Oh, what do you mean?

Well, we just met
for the first time

and we're both wearing
the same ensemble.

Oh, I'm Dee Dee Peterson.

Oh, I'm Mumsie Westcott.

Nice to know you, Mumsie.

Nice having you, kid.

Kid, oh boy, we're
going to get along swell.

- Yeah now, just make
yourself at home.
- OK.

That's your bunk, I'm
going to attend to my family.

Your family?

Hello Cynthia, hello Heathcliff,
oh, you're looking a bit pale.

I'll give you a little belt.

Now, Cynthia, I wish you'd look a
little more sexy around Heathcliff.

I'd like to be a
grandmother you know.

I think it's about time
that you two got together.

Who are you?

What?

What are you doing here?

I'm your new cellmate.

Oh yeah, well, nice
having you aboard.

I'm...

- You're Mumsie Westcott.
- Yeah, yeah.

- And I'm still Dee Dee Peterson.
- Oh, you are.

Yeah.

Nice having you.

If I knew you were coming,
I would have baked a cake

with a file in it.

What are you in for?

Knocking over a bank.

- Oh, me too.
- Oh?

What do you know,
we are sorority sisters.

Did you get away with the loot?

Oh yeah, yeah, I got
it stashed somewhere.

How about you?

Me too, me and the boys,
we got a bundle stashed away.

Yeah, where?

Oh, shh...

Cynthia, remember
what I told you.

- Where?
- Where?

Where what?

Where did you hide the loot?

- Oh yes, yes, the loot.
- Yeah, where did you hide it?

I forget.

[Singing] Potatoes
and a bit of fried fish

You can have
a little if you wish

You can have it on
a plate or on a dish

Or in a little bit of paper

You being my cellmate,

- there's something
that you should know.
- What?

I'm breaking out of here.

You're breaking out?

When? How soon?

I forget.

Oh, and there's something
else you should know,

sometimes I have a little
trouble remembering things.

- You don't say.
- Hmm-hmm.

Yeah, well.

OK ladies, on your
toes, laundry detail.

Laundry detail?

You heard me.

Why can't we have our
clothes sent out with us in them.

Come on, come on.

All right girls, come on.

Take your places.

Come on, pick them up.

You work the steam press.

I don't know how to
work a steam press.

Figure it out.

Figure it out.

Here, give it to me.

All right, come on, come
on, this ain't no picnic.

You got to speed
it up. Speed it up.

You guys keep it
going, I'll be back.

Hey you, come here.

Mumsie says you're all right.

All right, I say
Mumsie is all right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

Well, I guess
everything is all right.

Now, listen red, I just
want you to play it cool

and keep your mouth shut
because Mumsie is leaving today.

Leaving today?

Did my pardon come
through from the governor?

No, no, no Mumsie,

you're breaking out
today remember, it's all set.

Oh yeah, yeah.

Oh, I don't think this is a
good week for prison breaks.

Who says?

Well, Jupiter is not in
conjunction with Mars

and the Milky Way spilling
over into the Big Dipper.

Nobody believes
in all that junk.

Let's get to work.

You stand over there and stand
watch, and see if anybody is coming.

Come on. Get in the bag.

Listen, I still don't think it is a
good week for prison breaks.

Just keep your mouth
shut and your eyes open.

OK, but if you get caught,
remember, you heard it here.

Hold it, hold it,
goodbye Beulah.

I'm Dee Dee and I sure wish
you weren't leaving, Mumsie.

Listen Mumsie, if you have
any trouble trying to remember

where you hid the loot,
just take a couple of belts.

- Belts?
- Booze.

What's booze got to do with it?

You see, every time she has a
couple of drinks, it clears her mind

and she remembers everything.

Oh.

You're not going to
get away with that,

she doesn't even look
like a bag of laundry.

She doesn't have to
look like a bag of laundry,

the laundryman is in on it.

Now you just do what I tell
you and stay here and watch

- while we go into the supply room.
- OK.

Come on, Helen.

Where's Mumsie?

Why don't you get
out the bloodhounds?

She's in the supply room.

What are you waiting
there for, applause?

Hall them out of here.

Who stuffed me in
this blooming bag?

Gin, with the
warden's complements.

Good girl.

When she drinks, she
gets her memory back?

That's what they said.

Amazing, when I
drink, I lose mine.

- Good luck.
- OK.

Stinky fi-fo-fum, I smell
the booze of an Englishman.

Where did you get it?

Connections Mumsie,
I got connections.

Yeah, I thought it might make you
feel better after the escape failed.

What escape?

The laundry bag.

Hey, laundry bag, good
idea, we must try it some time.

Yeah, drink up.

Mumsie never drinks alone.

Here, have yourself
a slug love, go on.

Oh, OK.

I said a slug, that's not
enough to fill a gnats navel.

- OK?
- Yeah.

Bottoms up.

Smooth.

Ambrosia.

Yeah, Ambrosia.

I like you.

Well thanks, I like you two.

Bottoms up.

OK.

- You know, you know
what I can't figure.
- What?

How that stupid
laundry bag ripped.

Oh, you remember.

Why shouldn’t I.

Here, let's have another snot.

OK.

Now ducks, when
we get out of here,

how would you
like to join my g*ng?

Oh, I'd like that.

Let's drink to it. Bottoms up.

OK.

Mumsie, what's this I hear
about you having $300,000

stashed away somewhere?

You heard it right,
ducks. Griffin Mountain.

- Griffin Mountain.
- Hmm-hmm.

Uh-huh.

There's greenbacks in
them there hills, bottoms up.

Oh.

- You know something, ducks.
- What?

You missed that one.

I did?

That calls for another.

Oh.

Look, Mumsie, shouldn't
we save some for later on?

It might evaporate.

Oh, but look Mumsie,
whereabouts on Griffin Mountain?

Well, go way, way...

I beg your pardon?

Excuse me.

Thank you monsieur,
I would love to dance.

[Singing] He sang like a
nightingale, twang his guitar.

Dance the cachooca
and smoke a cigar.

Oh, what a form.

Oh, what a face.

We danced the fandango
all over the place.

Mumsie, Mumsie, Mumsie, oh.

Matron, Matron Wilson.

Come along, come
along, open it up.

- Oh, hi, Warden.
- Hello.

Hurry it up, hurry it up.

I was going along so good
and then she passed out cold.

I know, we have the cell bugged.

- Oh, you do.
- Yeah.

Well, darn it, just when
she was about to talk.

- Well, we knew about
Griffin Mountain.
- Oh you did.

- Yeah, she has a cabin up there.
- Oh.

The FBI searched it
and couldn't find a cent.

Oh.

Wait a minute,

they couldn't find anything but
maybe Mumsie can find it for us.

What?

That's the first liquor
she's had in three months.

She will be out cold
for quite some time.

What are you getting at?

Mrs. Carter, you're
looking at the only warden

ever to arrange a jailbreak.

Right over there folks.

That's it, thank you.

Here, in case her memory
needs jugging again.

Yeah, only one trouble,
when memory comes back,

she still forgets one thing.

- What is that?
- To stop drinking.

Oh, I see what you mean.

Well, we've got the cabin bugged
too and we'll be right outside listening

- so don't worry about anything.
- OK.

And no slip ups please.

Do everything you
can to get the $300,000.

You know Harry, I'm
kind of fond of Mumsie,

- I hate to do this to her.
- What?

Have you forgotten
the $30,000 reward?

I just remembered, I can't
stand this boozy old broad.

- Come on, yeah, now good luck.
- OK.

Mumsie, Mumsie, come
on Mumsie, wake up.

- Oh my head.
- Come on.

Somebody is playing
bagpipes in my head.

Wake up, Mumsie.

All right, come on,
atta girl, wake up.

Open your eyes.

Bless me kippers they
redecorated the cell.

No, no, this is your
cabin in the mountains.

Oh, oh yeah. Yeah,
how did we get here?

- You don't remember?
- Uh.

Well, we were out in
the prison exercise yard

and a helicopter
dropped a rope ladder

and then we just climbed
up and away we went.

- Blimey, you do have connections.
- Yeah.

Yeah, now look
Mumsie, come on, get up.

On your feet, Mumsie.

Now look, this is the first place
they're going to look for you

so let's grab that $300,000
and head for the border.

What $300,000?

You better have a little snort.

Here you are.

Oh, oh, please.

Oh please, not in
my delicate condition.

Try me in a week.

Now Mumsie listen, we've got to
get the money and get out of here.

Now try to remember,
you had $300,000,

now where did you hide it?

- Oh yeah, where did I hide it?
- Yeah, the loot, the loot.

Yeah, the loot.
Where did hide it?

Yeah, now this may be
painful but you got to remember.

Oh, that's awful.

Wait a minute, I
remember something.

Oh, rocks and stones.

Rocks and stones.

Hey, the fireplace is stone,
did you hide it in the fireplace?

Fireplace, I don't
know, I don't remember.

No, no, that would
be too obvious.

Hey, I once saw a
Humphrey Bogart movie

where they pushed a certain
stone and a hidden door opened.

Now, what am I
doing, this is ridiculous.

Let's not give up now.

Maybe you didn't
hit the right stone.

Oh Mumsie, you must
have seen the same movie.

What do you know.

Oh, Mumsie hurry up.

Oh, I have never seen $300,000.

Oh, let me see the money,
let me see the money.

Let's all see the money,
let's all see the money.

Who are those blighters?

- Uh... they're my connections.
- Oh.

They helped us escape.

We found it.

Good, good, good
girl, right, yeah.

Oh, oh...

It's empty.

I've been robbed.

What's this?

Here, what does it say?

I haven't got my blinkers.

"Dear Mumsie, I needed the
money for a one-way-trip to Mexico.

If it will help you any, you had
nothing to do with the robbery.

We planted some of
the stolen bills on you.

Sorry about your prison sentence
but then I always was a rat.

Your loving son Cecil."

Oh, drat.

I can't think of a
better word than that.

Well, it's good news
for you, Mumsie.

All you have to do is find Cecil

and make him prove
that you're innocent.

- There's a bit of a problem here.
- What?

I don't remember having
a son named Cecil.