05x24 - Lucy and Harry's Memoirs

[bunniefuu]

[Announcer] Here's Lucy.

Starring Lucille Ball.

Co-starring Gale Gordon.

- Lucille!
- What?

I did it. I did it.

Did what?

Got my check from escrow.

Carter's Employment Agency goes
under new management on Monday,

look, $25,000!

Yeah, well, Harry.

If retirement is what you
really want, I'm happy for you.

But you don't look happy.

Well, I had to
do all the packing

and packing makes
me very sentimental.

I came across a lot of things, it
brought back a lot of memories.

Like what?

Well, like for instance, do you
remember last Christmas eve

when you had the
janitor come up?

Oh yes.

Yes, and I gave him that beautiful
handkerchief for Christmas.

And he gave you this magnum
of champagne, imported.

Oh, yeah.

And look, Harry,
I've been chilling it.

Why did you do that?

Oh, I thought maybe we
could have a farewell toast.

We can't drink a whole
magnum of champagne.

Well, we can have a toast and what
we don't drink, you can take home.

Lucille, you can't
save champagne.

- Once you've opened it,
it goes flat.
- Oh.

And once you have chilled
it, you can't store it away.

It won't keep.

Well, what do we do with it?

Well, oh... go ahead
and open it, yeah.

OK.

We'll drink a toast to what
we don't use we'll throw away.

Throw away?

Harry, you must
be coming unglued.

Yeah.

Well... I guess this 25 thousand
dollar check made me lose my head.

I guess so.

- Look at that, Harry.
- Oh yeah...

It's says "Vintage 1953."

That was a very good year.

How would you know
if it was a good year?

It was good for me.

I was 20 years younger.

Didn't look any
different for me.

That's not very nice.

Oh, I mean, you don't
look a day older now

- than you did 20 years ago.
- Thank you.

Yeah. Here we are.

Here we go. Oh my...

Thank you.

Yes.

Harry, what are you going to be
doing after we go out of business.

Well, I've been thinking about
going on a fishing trip to Canada.

What are you going to be doing?

Oh.

I may be sitting right
here waiting to see

if the new management
can use an old employee.

Lucille, there's
no reason to panic.

You have your unemployment
insurance to look forward to.

Hey, that's right.

It will be my first
raise in five years.

Well, the government has a
lot more money than I have.

I wonder what it will be like
getting paid for doing nothing.

Just like it's been
for the last five years.

- Oh, Harry...
- Well, now, happy days.

Happy days.

Harry, while I'm waiting to get
my unemployment insurance,

why don't we take a
little vacation together?

Lucille, there's
an old sea legend

that a woman aboard
ship is bad luck.

Now, what do you mean by that?

Well, remember when you talk to
me into going along with you and Kim

and Craig on that trip
to the Colorado River?

I'm not getting in
that thing. It's squishy.

- Oh, come on, now.
- No.

Give me your jacket.
Give me your jacket.

There's nothing to
be nervous about.

Come on, give me your hand.

- Well, I...
- Come on, honey.

Come on.

Hold on.

I'll hold on. Step right in the middle.
Step right in the middle, Harry.

- Harry, step...
- Uh...

Harry! Harry!

I can't swim.

Now, you tell me.

Wait a minute. I'll get you.

What are you
trying to do, k*ll me?

Wait a minute, I'll get a rope.

Here you are, Harry.

Kim! Craig!

Kim!

Craig! Help!

Oh, Harry.

And you expected me to
take you on a fishing trip.

Oh, Harry, that
happened four years ago.

Yeah. And I can
still feel the bruises.

Whenever we take
a vacation together,

everything happens to me.

Oh, what about me?

Remember that
inflated sleeping bag?

I thought it will be lovely
sleeping under the stars

along the river bank.

Help! Help!

- Help!
- Mom!

Help! Help!

Come on, Uncle Harry.

Help!

Help!

Help!

Help!

Help!

Help!

Help! Help!

Help!

Help! Help!

Help!

Help!

Help!

Help!

You know something?

What?

I'm going to miss this place.

We spent a long time here.

Yeah, yeah.

And you know something?

What?

We've been here for five years

and I never realized
that that wall is crooked.

Well, they sure don't build
buildings like they used to.

Maybe, if I tilt the picture,
the wall looks straight.

That's better, yeah.

But how come you
didn't pack your picture?

Oh, I was leaving it up to last
because it's the one Richard Burton

autographed for me personally.

Hasn't he got a beautiful smile?

Yeah.

I'd be smiling, too, if I was
married to Elizabeth Taylor.

I'll bet he wouldn't be smiling
if he knew how close he came

to losing that million-dollar
diamond ring he bought her.

Thanks to you.

Remember how he
disguised himself as a plumber

to get away from his fans?

Oh yeah. And you
didn't know who he was

and you dragged him up
here to fix the leak in our faucet.

And he fixed it which proves
he's not only a great actor,

he's also a fine plumber.

Yeah, well, the way
things are today,

I sometimes wonder which
profession has the most money in it.

Are you kidding? Plumbing.

Plumbing.

Oh, look, Harry, I
even save these.

What's that?

The coveralls that Richard
wore when he was our plumber.

Remember, after he left, we went
into the washroom and found them?

Well, I sure do.

- He left something in the pocket.
- Oh...

Oh... you don't suppose...

It couldn't... it
couldn't be, no.

Well, there's just
one way to find out.

But we're not trying to do it.

- Well, maybe, you're not, but I am.
- What?

Oh... oh.

Oh, Harry.

Isn't it gorgeous?

- Oh yeah.
- Oh...

What... What are you doing?

I'm doing what every red
blooded woman in America will do.

- I want to try it on.
- No, you are not.

- No you are not!
- Yes, I am!

Oh, did you ever see
anything that big in your life?

Oh and so bright.

Maybe, we shouldn't look
at it with the naked eye.

- Oh...
- Yeah, yeah.

All right. All right,
Lucille, Lucille, Lucille.

You... Lucille, you've
had your jollies.

- No, not yet, not yet.
- Oh please.

Lucille please, put
it back in the box.

No, Harry, please.

Put it back, put
in... in the... please.

That's really it,
Harry. That's really it.

- Oh, come on, come on. Put it in.
- Oh.

- All right.
- There we go.

- In here.
- OK.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- I may faint.

Yeah. It's all right.

Oh Harry.

- In my whole life, I never thought...
- I never did...

Lucille... Lucille... you're...
You're not going to give me that

corny I can't get
it off my finger.

- But I can't.
- Oh, nonsense, nonsense.

- You can get it.
- Harry! You're hurting me.

Harry, you're hurting me.

All right. There's
just one thing to do.

We'll have to cut it off.

Cut this beautiful ring?

No, your fat little finger.

Harry, you wouldn't.

Lucille, Lucille,
look at it this way.

There's only one ring like this.

And you will still
have nine fingers left.

But Harry, stop it!

Let's have another toast.

No!

First, we got to finish packing.

Those people from the storage
company will be here soon.

Harry, remember this.

What is it?

That parachute you
made to advertise

Carter's Unique
Employment Agency.

Oh, yeah.

That was one of the
greatest publicity stunts

that I ever dreamed of.

They said a parachute
jumper would cost me $200,

but I got my own
for $10, remember?

Do I remember? How can I forget?

There she goes. She did it.

Pull the cord.

Pull the cord.

There she is. The chute opened.

Oh. There's righting on it.

"Carter's Unique
Employment Agency."

Oh... Oh careful, mother.

Yeah, watch and...
go... low bridge!

Oh.

Harry, look what I saved.

The cast from my broken leg.

Oh, what did you save that for?

I gonna make a lamp out of it.

Harry, you better take it
easy. You got to drive home.

Don't you worry about me.

I never drive when I'm walking.

Harry, do you know
what you just said?

What?

Now, you made me forget.

Is that what I said?

I think so.

Well, I guess
everything is ready.

No, it isn't.

You forgot my berahrah.

My bernarman, my
thermomin. You forgot my...

Don't try to say it,
Harry. Just point.

Oh, your therminon,
your thermometer.

Now, don't worry about it.
I'll have that down in a minute.

No you won't.

You... No, no! Lucille, no!

I know what happens when
you try to get mechanical.

I'll do it.

Harry, you'll never
going to make it.

Now, come on. Let me do it.

Lucille, Lucille,
never mind about me.

Just hold the wall still.

Why are you so darn stubborn?

Because I remember the last
time I let you loose with the screw.

Oh, are you in trouble?

Your pigtails are flapping.

My what are what?

Your pigtails are flapping.

- Pigtails?
- Yeah, they're all undone.

We're going to have to get
them all connected again.

Oh, I see. I see.

How do you do that?
How do you do it?

Well, we have to find the
wires to connect them with

they're down here some place.

Harry, your
conduit is in trouble.

- It is?
- Yeah.

It snapped off down below.

Oh, what do we do now?

Well, the wires are
down in here someplace.

I'll just see if I can get it.

Oh, all right, fine.

Can you find them? You got them?

I can't reach anything.

Here, you try.
Your arm is longer.

Just pull them.

What's the matter?

I'm stuck.

What do you mean you're stuck?

I can't get my
arm out. It stuck.

Oh, oh, come on now, Harry.

Now look, now look... just
relax. Don't get all excited.

Just relax. Just
relax all your muscles.

Now, I'll give a
good just steady pull.

- All right.
- Steady pull. Steady pull.

One, two, three...

- If I were you, I would take this back...
- Will you stop flapping your lips

and get me out of here!

Well, I was just trying to tell
you about the rotten material.

I don't want to hear
about the rotten material!

Get me out of here!

I'm still stuck. Come on, now.

All right, Harry.
Take it easy now.

- Just relax...
- Oh, oh, my neck.

My... oh...

- Harry, now control yourself.
- Oh, geez.

Do you have a crowbar?

- A crowbar!
- Yeah, do you have one?

Well, no home would be
complete without a crowbar.

Fine. Where is it?

I don't have a crowbar!

All right. All right.

Here, this will do.

What, what are you going to do?

Now, just... listen to me.

I'm going to tap a little
piece of the wall, right in here,

and then you'll be
able to get your arm out.

Well... I can't watch this?

Oh boy.

Whoever hanged those pictures
sure didn't know what they were doing.

And of course you
know what you're doing?

Yes, I do.

Well, then, get me out of here.

Alrighty.

- What... what...?
- Now just...

Well... now, look, what you did?

Well, I'm sorry.

You can always hang
one of those pictures over it.

Anyway, now, you
can get your arm out.

I... I don't think I ought to
take my arm out right now.

Why not?

Because if I do...
Pow, right in the kisser!

Oh, no, Harry. I'm
only trying to help.

Now, come on. Get your arm out.

I can't get it out.
It's still stuck.

All right, all right. OK,
now... now, just relax.

- Oh, all right.
- All right. All right.

OK, one, two, three...

- There we go.
- Oh.

- Harry, I'm so...
- Don't touch me!

And you made me
let go of the wire.

What?

Oh, God, why do these
things happen to me?

Why? Why?

But, I can see your
sleeve down there.

- And hey!
- What?

- I think I see the wires.
- Oh.

I am going to
call the electrician.

You are going to do
nothing of the kind.

We're not going to waste
any money on an electrician.

All right, now.

Oh, your sleeve is
stuck on something.

Oh, well...

There it is. There you are.

And here are the wires.

- Well, good.
- I'll get it.

Hello?

I always thought champagne
was supposed to cheer you up.

Boy, I feel depressed.

Oh, stop feeling
sorry for yourself.

It's not me.

It's you I feel sorry for.

I don't understand you.

From nothing, I build
up a great business.

Now, I've sold it for $25,000.

Why should you
feel sorry for me?

'Cause I don't like
to see you retired.

You're in your prime, Harry.

Oh, Lucille. You don't
know how old I am.

How can you say I'm in my prime?

Because you are.

It just took you a lot
longer to reach your prime

than it does most people.

Thank you.

You know, Harry, you could
take all that money you got,

and we could start all over
again, go into a new business.

What kind of a new business
could a man of my age go into?

I've been thinking about it,
Harry, and I got a whole list of 'em.

Thank you.

But, forget it, Lucille.

Forget it.

This is the age of computers.

The world doesn't
need people anymore.

That's ridiculous.
Absolutely ridiculous.

It takes people
to build computers

and it takes people to
run them and feed them

and it takes people to repair
them when they break down.

And until they build computers
that can have baby computers,

they will always need people.

Good. Young, young people,
but for me, ballgame is over.

Harry, please
don't talk like that.

I can't bear to think of you
sitting on some park bench

watching the grass grow,

you have boy scouts
helping you cross the street,

and you're still young enough
to wish they were girl scouts.

Lucille, please.

I've been able to put up with

you’re coming to work
late in the morning.

I can put up with the
bad coffee you made.

I can... I can even forgive you
for knocking me out of a boat,

even tearing my house apart,

but I can't stand
when you start crying.

But I can't help it, Harry.

And why would you
care whether I cry or not?

Because I'm fond of you.

You're the best
sister-in-law I ever had.

I'm the only sister-in-law
you ever had.

That's why.

Let's get out of here.