06x02 - The Big Game

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy

Starring: Lucille Ball

Co-starring: Gale Gordon

Mary Jane?

Yes.

- How does that look?
- Yeah, wonderful.

- OK.
- That looks good.

Now, do you think my
decorations capture the spirit

of our football luncheon?

Oh, I feel like I'm
back in college again.

Look, I even wore my
Tommy Trojan pendant.

Oh, very appropriate.

You know, I've never seen such
excitement over a football game.

Oh, me either.

The whole town's gone banana's.

Yeah. Who do you think will win?

Well, I think SC should win.

If the lines defensive blocking

can establish a strong
enough ground game

to bring in the
Oklahoma secondary

and break up the zone defense,

they'll try to use it to
get start passing game.

Where did you ever learn
that much about football?

I've got a crush
on Howard Cosell.

Howard Cosell?

Are you putting me on?

No, there is just something
about him that appeals to me.

Like what?

I think it's his voice.

Well, I'm sure you two can
make beautiful music together.

Oh. Hi, Harry.

Girls, I did it,
I did it, I did it.

Did what? Did what? Did what?

Well, just as I said I would.

I've got the great football
player OJ Simpson

to be guest of honor
at our luncheon.

- Oh, no kidding?
- Yes indeed.

You know, I met him at
the airport and, on the way,

he scribbles a note and
wanted me to have them typed up

to use in his speech.

So, get on it right away.

Oh, OK, yes sir. Just
as soon as I finish this.

Finish what?

My shopping list.

Forget the shopping
list. Type up the notes.

Yes, sir.

And why don't you close
your mouth and get busy, too.

- Lucille?
- Yes, Harry.

There are two M's in commas.

Well, I know that,
but we run out M's.

What do you mean
we run out of M's?

Well, my girlfriend's club
was having a luncheon

for the Merry Month Mother of
the Month Membership Meeting.

She borrowed some M's.

- She borrowed some M's?
- Yeah.

Will you get on the phone
and tell those mothers...

Harry...

Now, we're not going to have
time to get the letters back.

Besides, nobody will notice.

Nobody will notice?

All right, all right.
I have an idea.

I will just take a W.

You'll take a W?

That will be cowmerce.

How's that?

You're so smart, you
make my eyes water.

Thank you. Thank you.

And now, it is my happy chore

to introduce a man whom
I personally persuaded

to appear as our
guest of honor today,

a man who really
needs no introduction.

That's right.

Nevertheless,

- I'm going to give him one.
- Oh.

Our esteemed guest
won the Heisman Trophy

while playing for the
University of Southern California

and last year was voted the
most valuable professional player

in the American
Football Conference.

He's also an accomplished
sports announcer

and will be a guest
of our own Tom Kelly

in the broadcast
booth on Saturday.

Oh, I didn't know that.

And here he is the star
tailback of the Buffalo Bills,

Mr. OJ Simpson.

Mrs. Carter has typed a
few notes for my speech,

but I guarantee you my whole
speech won't be nearly as long

as Mr. Carter's introduction.

Actually, the talk I prepared
is just a series of answers

to questions I'm most
frequently asked by my fans.

So, let's get started.

Number one, how
did I get so fast

and why do I go
by my initials, OJ.

Well, the O stands for Orenthal.

Orenthal?

Now with the name like
Orenthal in my neighborhood,

I had to be fast.

Another question a
lot of people ask me is,

"When a coach sets out to
recruit a high school player,

what is it that he looks for
most of the young men?"

Well, it has been my experience
that what he looks for most is


pounds of potato salad.

Oh, I'm sorry.

That's my...

That's my shopping list.

I'm having a
weeny roast tonight.

I'm sorry.

I think I'll have to go
along with Mrs. Carter.

I don't know what the
coach was looking for in me,

but what he found in me was 12
hotdogs and 2 tons of potato salad.

One of the most rewarding things

about being involved
in a game like football

is the tremendous interest
the public has paid to this sport.

And speaking of public
interest in football,

that reminds me of
a very funny story.

Ha-ha-ha!

I know what's coming.
I typed the speech.

Ha-ha-ha!

Maybe, I'll better
quit while I'm ahead.

No, no, go ahead and tell it.

It's very funny. Go ahead.

Well, you see, there
was this newlyweds

and they were on
their honeymoon.

Now, the guy is a
fantastic football fan.

So, he's sitting there.

He's glued to the TV set
watching a football game.

Finally, his wife
snaps off the TV set,

turns to him very
emotionally and says,

"You like football
better than you like me."

And he looks up at her and says,

"Yes, but I like you
better than basketball."

Well, now, in closing, I would like
to thank Mr. Carter for inviting me

and thank you all for your
tremendous rooting interest

and support of USC Football.

Thank you.

Thank you, thank
you, OJ Simpson.

Thank you. Thank you.

Well, that just
about does it, folks.

Uh-huh-hmm.

Oh, yes, I want to
thank Mrs. Carter

for taking charge of the
decorations and, now...

I... I... I just want to say that
decorating this room for you people,

was a labor of love.

- Thank you, Mrs...
- True... True, it was a lot of hard work,

but I always say if
something is worth doing,

it's worth doing right.

I am so sorry...

There.

Now, they are good as new.

Much obliged.

I want to thank you
for making our luncheon

a great success, Mr. Simpson.

Mr. Carter, I wish
you just call me OJ.

Oh, thank you.

Gee, can I call you OJ?

You can call me just plain O.

Thank you, O.

And I'm sorry about
dropping that football.

Oh, forget it.

It's the one's I
drop that really hurt.

By the way, Mr. Carter,

the game is a sell out

and I've been given
some complimentary seats.

So, I thought you might
like a couple of tickets.

Well, thank you.

Well, this was one game
I never expected to see.

Oh, me either. Isn't
that wonderful, Harry?

Yes, it's wonderful.

It would be nice having the
two of you there rooting for SC.

Don't you worry. We will be.

OK, well, I have to
get going. I'll see you.

- Bye.
- Bye-bye.

Good luck with your
broadcast Saturday.

Oh, nice luncheon,
Carter. Congratulations.

Oh, thank you, Tilford.
Thank you very much.

Oh, by the way, look at
those and eat your heart out.

h*-h*-h*. Right
on the 50-yard line.

Given to me by the one
and only OJ Simpson.

Yes and I'm going to get to
go to the game with Harry.

And here, Lucille, you can wear
my Tommy Trojan to the game.

Oh, thank you. Oh, I love it.

Looks cute on there.

Yes, it pays to know
the right people.

Just look at that, 6
dollars and 50 cents a seat.

Oh, they're worth
a lot more than that.

They are?

The game is a sellout.

Tickets are selling
at a premium.

One fellow offered
me a pair at $25.

$25?

Oh, the reason I was
willing to go that high

was that I have an important
client I wanted to impress,

but they were terrible seats,
way back to the goal posts.

You are willing to pay
$25 for a pair of tickets?

Well, thanks anyway, Mary Jane.

I've been all over town trying
to find a decent pair of seats.

Well, how about mine?

Yours?

Would you really be willing
to give those up for $25?

Well, not exactly
but how about $50?



Well, you did want
to impress a client.

Carter, I'm surprised at you.

I'm not.

We're friends, neighbors.
We play golf together.

Well, there's nothing
personal about it, Tilford.

It's just that we
are businessmen

and the first law of business
is supply and demand.

Now, you are making the
demand and I have the supply.

All right, Carter.

But I'll remember this someday
when you want something from me.

Harry? How could
you do such a thing?

Do you think I'd give up
$50 for a football game?

You won't give up
$50 for a parachute

if you were falling
off Pikes Peak.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

When I want your
opinion, I'll ask for it.

Oh.

Oh, good. You're still here.

Oh hello, O.

Did you forget something?

You know, I got to think about
those football tickets I gave you.

Oh... what about them?

Well, I was thinking how
difficult it is to park at the coliseum

and since my wife,
Marguerite, has a parking pass,

I thought I'll have her pick you
up and take you to the game.

Oh, well, I wouldn't want to
put her through all that trouble.

No trouble at all. Now,
the game starts at 7:30,

so if you give me your address,
I'll have her pick you up about 6:30.

Well, I'm afraid that will
just complicate things.

Oh, it sure would.

With all those thousands
of people there,

we'd have such a problem
finding each other after the game.

Oh, no you won't.

The tickets I gave you are
right next to Marguerite's.

Uh, did you hear that, Harry?

Loud and clear.

So, where shall I
have her pick you up?

Oh... uh... here is
our business address.

Now, we'll wait downstairs
in front of that building.

Fine. Well, have a good time.

Thank you. Thank you.

All right.

Now, what are we going to do?

Well, you're just going to
have to buy back those tickets.

Buy them back?

Harry, think how embarrassing
it will be for OJ Simpson

to find out that our President
of the Chamber of Commerce

took the tickets he
gave him and sold them.

Well, I know.

After all, Harry, what's
worth more to you,

$50 or your reputation?

- Well...
- Don't rush me.

Yeah, I understand.

Will you have Mr. Tilford
get in touch with me?

It's very important.

I've tried his home,
his office, his golf club,

even his barber shop.

Carter, you wanted to see me?

Oh, Tilford, I've been
calling all over town for you.

What's up?

Well, it's about those
football tickets I sold you.

What about them?

Oh, well, we've been
friends for so long

and I was very sorry that
I took advantage of you.

You were?

Oh, yes, yes, I've been
worrying about it all day.

Carter, maybe, we ought to
have a doctor take a look at you.

I assure you I am
perfectly all right.

Well, then, why the
sudden change of heart?

Well, because
you're a friend and,

to me, a friend is
worth more than $50.

Carter, are you sure we
shouldn't call a doctor?

Mr. Tilford, there really
is no reason to worry.

You see, what happened is we
found out that OJ Simpson's wife

is going to be sitting right
next to the seats Harry sold you.

And so, you can see how
embarrassing that would be for poor Harry.

Oh.

In other words,
you are in the spot

and you want to buy them back?

Why don't you keep
your big mouth shut?

Well, Carter, under the
circumstances, I guess

I am obliged to let
you buy these back.

Oh I appreciate that,
Tilford. Thank you so much.

There, there is you $50.

Carter, $50 won't do it.

Remember, we're businessmen

and business dealings are
determined by supply and demand.

I get it. Uh-uh, yeah. I see.

An eye for an eye
and a tooth for a tooth.

I think he's going to
want a whole upper plate.

Not quite, just $100.

$100?

Now, you can call a doctor.

Well, Carter?

But $100?

Well, I'm sure Mr. Simpson's
wife will be very interested to hear

how I came by these tickets.

All right, all right. I
know when I'm licked.

All right.

$100.

Thanks, Carter.

Have a nice time at the game

and give my regards
to Mrs. Simpson.

Oh, Harry, I'm sorry about
you losing $50 on the deal,

but I'm sure glad I'm going
to get to go to that game.

I didn't know you were
such a big football fan.

Well, everybody
is going to be there

and I hardly ever
get to go anyplace.

Oh, hi, O.

Gee, I didn't expect to
see you again so soon.

Well, I feel like
an instant replay.

What can we do for you?

Well, I came to bring you
Marguerite's parking pass.

Oh, I thought she was
going to pick us up.

No, she won't be able to go.

Oh.

She won't even be there?

No, she has to
attend a dance recital

that our daughter
is appearing in.

A dance recital?

How old is your daughter?

- She's 5.
- 5?

Here. I got a picture of her.

Oh... oh, isn't she darling?

Yes, she takes her
looks after her mother,

but she has my speed.

Your speed?

The last time she
appeared in a dance recital,

she finished eight
bars ahead of the music.

Ha-ha-ha!

Oh-hoh, isn't that cute, Harry?

Adorable.

This parking pass should get
you right on the stadium grounds.

Oh, well, thank you.

I can't tell you how
much Mr. Carter and I

appreciate the two
tickets you gave us.

I could tell him.

Since Marguerite won't
be going to the game,

you might as well
have her two tickets, too.

Oh, I don't know what to say.

You just say thank
you. Thank yo, Orenthal.

My pleasure. Well,
enjoy yourselves.

Thank you.

- Thank you very much.
- Bye.

Goodbye.

Harry, how did you
had enough trouble

with just one pair of tickets?

I know what I'm
doing, dumb-dumb.

We will not only go
and see the game,

we will sell this
other pair of tickets.

I'll get my $50 back
and break even.

Well, that's great, but
who will you sell them to?

Well, we'll get to
the game early.

There are a lot of people
who will want to buy our tickets.

Maybe for $50, Mr. Tilford
would buy them back.

No, I don't want to do
business with a man like that.

He has no class.

All right. What do
we do now, Harry?

Well, we'll just
stand right here

and we'll sell the tickets to
someone who get to turn out there.

Pardon me,

could I interest you in a pair of
tickets that I have for the game?

How much?

$50.

$50!?

That's too rich for my blood.

I have an idea that's
the wrong way to do it.

Well, do you think
you can do any better?

Well... I'll see.

Oh, pardon me, Mister.

Are you planning to
see the football game?

Yeah. But they're all sold out.

Well, maybe, you and
I can make a little deal.

I'm more interested
in the football game.

Any luck?

No, thank heavens.

From here on, you can take
care of scalping the tickets.

[singing]

Hey Billy Ray,

how about a hotdog
and some lemonade?

No, no, no. There's
no time, Bobby Joe.

I want to get inside so I
can watch them warm up.

Oh, give me my ticket
and I'll meet you inside.

I don't got the tickets.
You got the tickets.

No, I don't.

I gave em to you before
we left the hotel, remember?

Well dog my cats, I
done lost the tickets.

Oh Billy Ray, now we're
not gonna see the game.

Maybe, I can help
you, gentlemen.

Well how?

Well, I happen to have a pair
of seats right on the 50-yard line

that I would be willing to sell.

How much you want for them?

$50.

$50?

Well, that's a lot of money.

Oh, it sure is.

But, after coming all
the way from Oklahoma,

what the hey, huh?

Yeah, what the hey?

Here's your money.

And here are your tickets.

And here's my badge.

The police?

You're under arrest.

What for?

Scalping tickets.

I'll take those, too.

What? Scalping tickets?

I'll let you know those
tickets that I sold you for $50

cost me a hundred dollars.

Well, you can tell
that to your lawyer.

My lawyer?

Lucille! Lucille!

Lucille! Lucille!

Lucille, get hold of my lawyer!

How are you, Sergeant?

Oh, Lieutenant, what's that?

Well, I just nailed some
guy scalping tickets.

Oh, good work, good work.

Well, I had to confiscate
these four for evidence.

So, that means there
are four awfully good seats

going to waste in Row 22.

Thanks for the information.

You don't mind if
some of my men off duty

are sitting on those
seats, do you?

Why not?

Thank you.

Hi, Harry.

Did you get in touch
with my lawyer?

Yes, sir.

But he won't be able to get
here until much later tonight.

He's gone to the game.

Fine.

Anyway, I brought
my transistor radio

so you’ll at least be
able to listen to the game.

Will you please stop
mentioning that game?

Oh, come on now, Harry.
It will help pass the time.

[radio] Ladies and
gentlemen, this is Tom Kelly

about to bring you the kickoff
from the Los Angeles Coliseum.

USC's former
great tailback star,

OJ Simpson is here to
share the microphone with me.

How does the game
look to you, OJ?

Well, Tom, after watching some
of those Oklahoma boys work out,

I think it's going to be a lot safer
up here than down on the field.

Well, what about the SC
team? How do they shape up?

They look real sharp, too.

And I think both schools
could be really proud

of this outstanding turnout.

Right you are, OJ,
a fantastic crowd.

USC rooting
section is jam-packed

except for four vacant
seats I see in that section

right next to the one
reserved for faculty.

Hey, those are my seats.

I gave them to some friends.

I hope they didn't
get caught in traffic.

Awe, what a nice man
and he's worried about us.

So am I.

Say, OJ, I just noticed
those four seats of yours

are being occupied by
four uniformed policemen.

Was that where you
gave the tickets to?

No, but I bet I know
what happened.

The man I gave my
tickets to is Harrison Carter,

President of the
Chamber of Commerce.

He's a very civic-minded man.

Do you mean that Mr. Carter
sacrificed seeing this game

just so he could give those four
tickets to the uniformed policemen?

That must be the answer.

What a touching gesture.

You know, Tom, it's having
fine citizens like Harrison Carter

that inspires the kind
of spirit it takes to win.

I think I'll tell you guys about
Mr. Carter's nice gesture at halftime.

You mean a thing like this
might get them up emotionally?

Who knows?

Maybe, they'll win this
one for a Harrison Carter.

Did you hear that?

They're trying to win
one for Harrison Carter.

Well, I just hope your lawyer
can win one for Harrison Carter.

Now, let's go down in the
field and pick up the music

of the mighty USC Marching Band.

They're going to
play this game for me.

[singing] Fight on for old SC...