06x03 - Lucy, the Peacemaker

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy

Starring: Lucille Ball.

Co-starring: Gale Gordon.

Uh... uhum...

Oh, I'm sorry. I was
putting up this sign.

- I didn't...
- That sign is what I came to see about.

I need some help.

Oh yes, sir. Yes, sir.

It would be my pleasure.
Would you sit right down here?

- Please, sir.
- Thank you.

And you just tell me
exactly what kind of...

All right.

Help you... are
going to... need.

And I... I know you.

You do?

For a moment, I wasn't
sure you were you,

but that's who you
are, aren't you?

Who?

Oh... ah...

Steve Lawrence.

That's right.

It's very flattering to
have you know I was me.

Oh, while you're here, could I
please have your autograph?

Sure, a pleasure.

You just can't believe
what a thrill this is for me.

Oh, whoever thought that I'd
meet my favorite singer's husband.

Oh, I like you, too, but
you know, being a woman,

I can identify more with
the songs that Eydie sings,

you know, If He
Walked Into My Life,

I Wish You Love,
How Did They Look,

Tell Him I...

Miss, miss, I really
don't have a lot of time.

- Yeah, but she does
have a lot of records.
- Yes.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Here you are.

Now, what is it that
I can do for you?

Well, I'm looking for some
domestic help, you know,

someone that can sew a
button on a dinner jacket,

fold the tuxedo so
that it doesn't wrinkle,

fix a few meals,

take care of my phone
calls and correspondence.

I see. Well, you need a
valet, a cook, and a secretary.

Why do I need three people?

I've always found one
person perfectly capable

of taking care of
all those things.

How were you ever able to
hire one person to do all that?

I didn't hire her.
I married her.

Oh, well, you're a very lucky
man to have such a devoted wife.

Unfortunately, I... I
don't have her anymore.

What?

Well, frankly, it's a kind of
thing I don't like to talk about

with anyone, if you don't mind.

You don't have
to worry about me.

I know how to keep my mouth shut

and so does my girlfriend,
Mary Jane, and my daughter, Kim,

and Sally, my hairdresser.

Oh come on, tell
me. What happened?

Well...

Please, tell me. What happened?

I walked out on her.

That's terrible.

It was her fault.

- Her fault?
- Yeah.

We've been arguing lately and,

last night, when I came
home, the door was locked

and everything that I owned
was piled up outside the door.

So, I decided to
walk out on her.

Well, what were
you quarreling about?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

What do you mean nothing?

Well... it happened
in Vegas, you see.

This girl was on the bill
and she was sort of a... uh...

What?

You know, a... uh...

Oh, one of those?

Yeah, one of those, yeah.

She had never worked
the club before, see?

So, when she came offstage,

she walked into my
dressing room by mistake.

And then Eydie came
into the dressing room

- and saw me there with this, uh...
- One of those?

Yeah, yeah. One of those.

And she got all upset.

Well, any wife
might misunderstand.

How can you say
that was nothing?

Because that's what
the dancer had on.

Nothing.

Oh. Well, no wonder.

But she didn't get undressed
in my dressing room.

She got undressed
out on the stage.

Couldn't you just
explain that to your wife?

I'm afraid it was a little
more complicated than that.

Why? What do you mean?

You see, when this dancer
stepped into my dressing room,

and I saw that she
was undressed,

I panicked so I took off my
robe and I gave it to her to put on.

Well, at least
she had on a robe.

No because when I
handed her the robe,

I didn't realize that now I
was undressed but she did.

And then, she panicked.

And while she was
handing me back the robe,

Eydie walked in
and we're both...

Oh, yeah. I get the picture.

So did Eydie.

Well, that's a shame.
That poor Eydie.

She's such a little doll.

You men are all alike.

I didn't do anything.

I'm not so sure.

If you didn't do anything, then
why can't you convince her?

Look, she knows that
I didn't do anything.

That's what bugs me.

Look, if I'd do something
and I get blamed,

at least, I can live with that.

But when I get accused
of something I didn't do,

it drives me right up a
wall and she knows that.

And that's the way
she likes to operate.

Zing, zing, zing.

Well, now, if she knows
that there was nothing wrong,

why would she lock the door and
put everything you own outside?

That's another
thing that bugs me.

- She didn't put everything outside.
- Oh?

No. Look, I got a beautiful
pair of diamond studded cufflinks

as an anniversary present.

- See that?
- Yeah.

She only packed one cufflink.

Oh, well, being a woman, I
think I know why she did that.

Why?

That was to give you an excuse
to come back for the other cufflink.

No, it wasn't.

She kept the other cufflink

because that's her idea
of community property.

Well, you still haven't
told me how you two

could get into such
a serious argument

when she knows you
didn't do anything wrong.

Well, I... I guess it
was partly my fault.

Oh?

I wanted to give her
some of her own medicine.

So, I... I accused her
of being overly friendly

with our arranger, Herman.

Hmph, when you
really didn't believe

that there was
anything going on?

Are you kidding? You
should see Herman?

Now, look, do you think you
can find someone to help me

with my wardrobe and
cooking and secretarial work?

Well, when we're not too
busy, my boss lets me moonlight.

So, if you'll just tell
me where you live,

I'll be glad to come
over and help you out.

Thank you very much.

- I'm still at the
Wilshire Park Hotel.
- Oh.

I just checked
into another suite.

Oh, well. I'm glad you're
still at the same hotel.

You two will be back
together again in no time.

It's going to take more
than a yellow ribbon

tied around an old oak tree
to get me back, I tell ya that.

Da-da-da-da-da-da
Da-ri-ro-la-la-la.

Da-di-da-da-da-da...

[singing] Did he
need a stronger hand.

Did he need a lighter touch

- Was I soft or
was I tough - Miss.

- Did I give enough - Oh, Miss.

- Did I give too much
- Did I give too much

- Eydie Gorme.
- How do you do?

Oh, if you're looking
for Mr. Lawrence,

he just left a little while ago.

Oh?

- Well, I'm not looking
for Mr. Lawrence.
- Oh.

I'm looking for
some domestic help.

Oh, I'm sorry.

- Well, please have a chair.
- Thank you.

I'd be very happy to help you.

Now, tell me exactly what
kind of help would you like?

Well, I need someone
who can drive a car,

handle the luggage, and
make some plane reservations.

Someone who can do
the things a husband does?

Yeah, that's about it.

Mr. Lawrence told me about
your little misunderstanding.

- He did?
- Hmm.

Well, now, that Steve's gone,

I guess I'll have to get a hot
water bottle to keep my feet warm.

You really miss him, don't you?

Oh, I sure do.

He was built like
a hot water bottle.

You know something?

I feel terrible about you
two kids acting like this

over a silly lover's quarrel.

Lover's quarrel?

Steve and I don't
have lover's quarrels.

Lover's quarrels
are for amateurs.

Steve and I have real
married people fights.

And I can be just
as stubborn as he is.

Oh, but people's hearts will be
broken if you and Steve split up.

Why? Lots of marriages break up.

Yeah, but how many
good acts are there?

Well, if Steve wants to make
up, he'll have to come to me first.

But Mr. Lawrence told
me that that exotic dancer

just happened to come into
his dressing room by mistake.

I know it was a mistake.

Well, then, why
don't you tell him?

Because I never had anything
this good on him before.

I see.

And I want him to
know I am jealous.

It keeps him on his toes.

Besides, he looks so
cute when he's mad.

Yeah. He does look
cute. I saw him mad.

But how could you lock
him out of your apartment

for something he didn't do?

I locked him out because
of what he did to me.

He had the nerve to imply that
there was something going on

between me and
Herman, our arranger.

And you should see Herman.

Yeah, he told me about that.

Well, now, please, just see
if you can find me a driver,

someone who can
handle the luggage,

and make some
plane reservations.

Yes, ma'am.

Thank you.

Ms. Gorme, will you want
somebody built like a hot water bottle?

Certainly not.

Yes, Mr. Jackson. I'll tell him.

Thank you.

Oh, hi, Mr. Lawrence.

Hello, Mrs. Carter.

Well, did you have a nice game?

The way I play it’s
not a nice game.

I listed all of your phone
calls and your lunch is here.

A glass of iced tea
and a chicken sandwich.

I hope you remember
that I'm on a diet.

Did you tell him to
scrape off the mayonnaise.

No, I just ordered a plain chicken
sandwich without mayonnaise.

That won't do it, Mrs. Carter.

I've traveled and lived in hotels
most of my life and, believe me,

ordering a sandwich
without mayonnaise

is like telling the laundry
not to put starch in your shirt.

It doesn't work.

You've got to let
him do that thing.

Let him put the mayonnaise on.

And then, scrape it off.

Gee, working for you
is a great experience.

You're very worldly.

Thank you.

I'm just going to wash
up and I'll eat my lunch.

OK.

Oh.

Good heavens.

Mr. Lawrence, I think
some of these phone calls

are rather important.

Yeah, who called?

A Mr. Jackson phoned
twice from Las Vegas.

Uh-huh. I guess he
probably wants to know

- about our opening
tomorrow night.
- Uh-huh.

And your manager,
Mr. Walker, called.

He just checked in to the hotel.

Really? I thought
he was in Europe.

Well, he's in Suite 901.

He'd like to see you
about some contracts.

OK.

And when I told him
I was your secretary,

he asked if I come down
and take some dictation.

- Is that all right?
- Sure.

Why don't you go on ahead
and I'll join you after lunch, OK?

Yes, sir.

- Oh, Mrs. Carter?
- Yes, sir.

- Were there any other calls?
- No, sir.

Mrs. Carter?

Yes, sir.

Are you sure there
were no other calls?

No, Mr. Lawrence,
she didn't call.

Who didn't call?

She didn't call.

I don't know who
you're talking about.

- And I'll tell you something else.
- What?

If she doesn't call back
tonight, the whole thing is over.

Hello? Ms. Gorme,

I'm calling you from
Mr. Walker's suite.

That's right.

He said he had
some urgent business

and would like to
see you straight away.

Is that possible?

Suite 901, thank you so much.

- Oh yes.
- Hi.

Where is... where's Mr. Walker?

Well, he went down the
lobby to cash a check.

- What's that on your face?
- What?

Oh, mayonnaise. I'm
starting a whole new life.

What are you doing here?

Well, I'm doing some
work for Mr. Lawrence.

Oh?

What is she doing here?

Tell him I receive the call that
Mr. Walker wanted to see me.

Huh, well, I was
the one who called.

- Oh?
- Where is Mr. Walker?

Well, I guess
he's still in Europe.

You see, I rented this suite

and then I pretended that
Mr. Walker was back in town

and wanted to see you.

Well, I figured if I could
get the two of you together,

it would give you a
chance to communicate.

Mrs. Carter, I hired
you as a secretary,

not as a marriage counselor.

Well, after all the
trouble I've gone through,

at least you could
say hello to each other.

Hello, Eydie.

Hello, Steve.

Oh, that's nice.

I'll leave you two alone.

She's... she's a
very nice woman.

I mean, to be so
concerned about us.

I know another woman
who's concerned about us.

I know a guy who
feels the same way.

But you know, Eydie,

it really was very belittling

the way you just locked
me out bag and baggage.

All you had to do
is ring the doorbell

and I'll let you back in.

Now, aren't we
getting a little old

to be playing those
newly wed games?

When we stopped playing
those newlywed games,

that's when we're getting old.

I never thought
about it that way.

Oh, honey, I know I was
wrong acting the way I did.

Oh, baby, it
wasn't all your fault.

I mean, let's face it, I did
get very temperamental.

Well, Steve, after
all, nobody is perfect.

There you go,
belittling me again.

Oh, Steve.

I said I was sorry and I
never once doubted you

when you explained that,
that dancer just happened

to come into your
dressing room by mistake.

Then, why did you
keep needling me?

Because you look so
cute when you're mad.

I do?

Yeah.

How do I look?

Mad just plain mad.

- Steve!
- Honey, honey.

♪ Wherever we go, whatever we do

♪ We're gonna go
through it together

♪ It's you for me and me for you

♪ We'll muddle
through whatever we do

♪ Together, wherever we go.

Is it funny every time we
have a beef and makeup,

we realize how
childish we've been?

Yeah.

Like you trying
to get back at me

by pretending that you thought
I was involved with Herman.

- Yeah, that was kind of childish.
- Yeah.

Steve, if you're going to accuse
me of being involved with someone,

why do you have to pick Herman?

He seemed like a logical choice.

I mean, he's around
us all the time and,

to tell you the truth, I think
he's kind of sweet on you.

- Herman?
- Yeah.

What makes you think that?

Well, for one thing, how come all
the arrangements he does for you

are better than the
ones he does for me?

My arrangements aren't
any better than yours.

They only sound better.

Oh, I didn't mean it that way.

How else could you mean it?

Oh, now, Steve, let's
not get in another beef.

- I just meant...
- I know, I know what you meant, Eydie.

Oh, come on, Steve,
stop acting that way.

We've made up.

Let's keep it that way.

Now, come on back upstairs
with me and you know what?

What?

I'll give you your
other cufflink.

- I get a better idea.
- You do?

Yeah.

Here. Give this
cufflink to Herman.

Steve!

I'll k*ll him!

Mr. Lawrence,
where have you been?

I've been at the bar.

Any objections?

No, sir.

I can understand an artist
having a temperament and an ego,

but I'm worried about that
girl. I think she's flipped.

- Flipped?
- Yeah, flipped.

She thinks she
sings better than me.

But, Mr. Lawrence, I
talked to her after you left

and she didn't mean it that way.

She meant it, zing, zing, zing.

You know, she thinks
you're the one who flipped.

All she wants from
you is a phone call.

Forget it, forget it.

This time, she'll
have to come to me.

And while you got the phone,

you better get in touch
with Caesars Palace.

Tell them they're going to
have to change the marquee

for the opening tomorrow night.

But won't they object
if they hired both of you

and you're going to
go on without her?

Why should they object?

It's Caesars Palace,
not Cleopatra's.

Well, now, maybe, when she thinks
about you having to go on alone,

she'll call and make up.

Oh, that won't bother her.

Hey, wait a minute.

You just gave
me a terrific idea.

What?

If she thought that I was going
to use another girl in the act...

Mr. Lawrence, it just
wouldn't seem right,

you doing your act
with anyone else.

Well, it's just be for
one performance.

That's all it would take
before she come running.

Well, how could you get
a girl on such short notice?

Uh, there are lots
of girl singers around.

I will only use her for
one number, that's all.

Just enough reason to get
another name up on that marquee.

Oh, that wouldn't be fair
to let some performer think

they were going
to be in your act

when you were just using
them to get your wife back.

Well, then, maybe,
you're the girl.

- Me?
- Yeah.

Oh, no, Mr. Lawrence.

Come on. You wanted to
get us together, didn't you?

Here's your chance to help.

Oh, well, that's different.

Say, do you know
that song Together?

The one that Eydie and I sing?

Yeah, yeah, oh yeah, Together.

- Well, that's one of my favorites.
- Good.

Now, just relax and
don't be nervous.

Oh, I' try not to be,

but I've never played
Caesars Palace before.

How big is it?

Caesars Palace?

No, that marquee.

It's a great big one.

Oh really?

Lucille Carter, Steve Lawrence.

- What key do you sing it?
- How's that?

I said what key do you sing it?

Well, now, I don't sing in
the same key all the time.

Well, we got a whole
bunch of them here.

I'm sure we can find
one we can both sing in.

But if we both sing in the same
key, won't we sound too much alike?

- Are you ready?
- Yes, sir.

Oh, but maybe, I
should call Vegas first

so they have time to
change that marquee.

No, no, no, let's rehearse.
We'll call later, OK?

- OK.
- Come on now.

- Wherever we go
- Wherever we go

- Wherever we do
- Whatever we do

- We're gonna go through it together
- We're gonna go through it together

- It's me for you and you for me
- It's me for you and you for me

- We'll muddle through whatever we do
- We'll muddle through whatever we do

- Together wherever we go
- Together wherever we go

Yes, sir.

Well, how did I do?

You're going to call Vegas?

Hello, honey.

I'm sorry for everything. I'd
like to come up and apologize.

Well, I see how I did.

Huh?

Oh, that's nice.

OK.

OK, baby. Come on, hurry up.

She said for me to stay here.

She's going to come up to me.

Now you see how foolish
you were for acting so stubborn.

I wasn't being foolish.

A man is going to make
his wife to respect him.

I just wanted her to know
that she can't get me around

like I was a football.

She said you were built
more like a hot water bottle.

She said what?

Well, she just meant
it sentimentally.

She's a very warm person.

She may be a warm person,
but she sure got cold feet.

Ta-da!

Boom, boom, boom,
boom, yeah, yeah.

We-wow!

Pa-ra-ra, ra-ra-ra,
pa-ra-ra, pa-ra-ra,

pa-dam-dam,
ta-ra-ra-ra, pa-da-ba.

Would you mind telling
me what that was all about?

Oh, I beg your pardon,

but I'm new around here

and I must have come into the
wrong dressing room by mistake.

You cut that out,

you're not going to start
that jazz all over again.

- Oh, Mrs. Carter?
- Yes, sir?

I guess I won't have to call and
ask them to change the marquee.

What marquee?

Well, I mean, if things didn't
work out with you and me,

I was going to ask Mrs.
Carter to help me out in the act.

I hope you're not
too disappointed.

Oh, no, no.

Actually, I'm thrilled.

- You are?
- Yes.

Now, I can say Eydie Gorme

is the girl who took my
place at Caesars Palace.