06x04 - Lucy, the Wealthy Widow

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy.

Starring: Lucille Ball.

Co-starring: Gale Gordon

and Lucie Arnaz.

I won't be very long, mom.

I just have to make
this deposit for my boss.

Well, take your time.

I haven't had any
money for so long.

I like to come into a
bank just to browse.

Hey, Kim, look.

Movie camera.

Are they making
a movie here, sir?

No, ma'am, a commercial.

Oh, did you hear that?

Mr. McCallister.

Good morning, boys.

We're ready for
you, Mr. McCallister.

OK, I'm all set,
you can roll it.

Quiet please.

Action!

Friends, this is Ed McCallister,

vice president in-charge
of our loan department.

Are you feeling
the rising costs?

Are you worried about the
outcome of your income?

Then, come on down and see
me at your friendly West State Bank.

Remember, folks, no red tape

or extensive credit
credentials demanded.

To us, your best credit
reference is an honest face

and a firm handshake.

So, if you have any financial
problems, whatsoever, you...

Oh, can I help you?

Uh, well, I was
looking for a phone.

As you could see, my truck
broke down outside and I was...

Oh, oh, I'm sorry. I
didn't mean to interrupt...

No, no, don't worry
about the interruption.

With us, people come first.

Keep the cameras
rolling, and use my phone.

Oh, thank you.

Would you like a glass of water?

Yes, thank you very much.

Oh... oh... thank you.

Oh, Charlie, my truck
just broke down outside

and if I don't get 200
bucks to fix my transmission,

I'm going to be out
of business altogether.

Well, I'm sorry
about it, Charlie.

I'll see you.

- Thank you...
- Excuse me.

Did I hear you say
you needed $200?

Oh, yeah.

Look, I've been trying to pay
for that heap and I've gone broke

and now, I'm
really up the creek...

Take this voucher,
over to that teller.

He'll be glad to give you $200.

Uh-huh-huh. Uh-huh-huh.

Oh, I don't know how I'm
going to thank you, Mr...

McCallister, Ed McCallister.

Mr. McCallister, it's
good to know you.

Yes, thank you very very much.

- My name is...
- No, no, no names please.

No names.

We don't believe in
a lot of red tape here.

Just an honest face
is all we look for.

Ah... thank you. Uh-huh-huh.

Well, friends, it looks
like we won't have time

for our regular commercial,

but you know, I'm glad
you got a chance to see

a completely unrehearsed
example of the way we do business.

And for those of you who
feel a little self-conscious

about negotiating
a loan in public,

just call old Ed McCallister,

and I'll call on you
personally right in your home.

So, goodbye for now
from West State Bank.

Cut!

Thank you, Mr. McCallister.

Thank you.

Oh, I can't wait to tell
Harry about this bank.

It might be the answer
to all these problems.

I sure hope so.

- Come on.
- Yeah, we got to tell him.

Yeah.

Mr. McCallister, I will
never forget you for this.

OK, my friend, have a good day.

Thank you.

Hey, Mike.

OK.

Now, send this down to the lab.

Have them check the fingerprints
for that guy's identification.

I want a complete file on him.

You can't trust a
guy who drinks water.

Uncle Harry, they loaned
this truck driver $200

and they didn't know who he was.

Well, he probably was a plant.

- A plant?
- Yes.

Banks don't lend you money
without approved cosigners

or unless you can put
up enough collateral

to guarantee you the loan.

In other words, a bank
won't loan you any money

unless you can prove
that you don't need it.

That's just about it.

Well, that doesn't seem right.

Gee, if you had a lot of money,

why would you go to
the bank in the first place?

Harry, Kim has just
given me a wonderful idea.

Please, not on my empty stomach.

All this is going to take
is a couple of phone calls.

Lucille, Lucille, we are trying
to cut down on expenses.

Oh, Harry, a couple of phone
calls ain't going to break you.

All right. All right.
Since this is your idea,

why don't you wait
until you get home

and make the calls
on your own phone.

Mm-hmm.

Because you haven't paid my
salary for the last six weeks, remember

and my telephone
service has been shut off

and if I don't pay the bill,

they're going to come
and take the phone out.

That's telling him, Mom.

Come on, Uncle Harry, you
could at least listen to Mom's idea.

- All right.
- All right.

I'm listening. I'm listening.

All right. If banks
won't loan you money

unless you can prove
you don't need it,

we'll beat them
at their own game.

And just how are
we going to do that?

Well, first, I'm going
to call Mr. McCallister.

He's the only banker I
know who makes house calls.

Good afternoon.

Whom would you wish to see?

May I take your hat?

- Good afternoon.
- Good afternoon.

Whom did you wish to see?

Mrs. Lucille Carter.

May I take your hat?

I don't have a hat.

Oh?

Well, I got one in the
car. I'll go and get it.

That won't be necessary, sir.

That won't be necessary.

Step in, sir.

However, had you had a hat,

I would have hastened
to hang it here.

Polo mallets.

Yes, Mrs. Carter
adores the game,

loves to chuckle a
little bit before dinner.

Whom shall I
say is calling, sir?

Mr. McCallister from the bank.

Very good. Follow me, sir.

Be careful with the step.

Good show.

I also tried to reach madam
on her private extension.

Madam!

Mr. McCallister
from the bank is here.

I'll be right out.

Very good, ma'am.

Make Mr. McCallister
comfortable.

Yes, ma'am.

She'll be right down, sir.

Fine.

Mrs. Carter.

She is the most attractive lady.

Madam, Mr. McCallister.

Thank you, Harrison,

but an introduction
really isn't necessary.

I recognize you immediately
from seeing you on the telly.

Oh, I'm flattered, Mrs. Carter.

And I find you
positively fascinating.

Uh, tell me, Mr. McCallister,

were you an actor before
you became a banker?

No.

Oh, hard to believe.

You exude such
warmth and sincerity.

You remind me of England's
fabulous, Mr. Harrison.

Well, thank you,
ma'am. I'm really...

I meant Rex Harrison.

Oh, thank you, ma'am.

Anyone else ever
compare you to Sexy Rexy?

- Only one other person.
- Only one? Who?

I've noted the similarity.

Oh, how divine.

Won't you pull up a
chaise and lounge.

And may I have a light?

Surely.

Ciao.

Harrison,

have the chef open
a fresh barrel of caviar

and prepare hor d’oeuvres.

Very good, ma'am.

- Oh, and Harrison...
- Yes, ma'am.

No dillydallying.
Get it in here.

Yes ma'am.

By the way, would
you care for a drink?

Frankly, I frown on drinking
during business hours.

- Oh...
- Except on special occasions.

Oh, what do you consider
special occasions?

When someone asks
me to have a drink?

Oh, Rexy, I mean
Mr. McCallister.

I'll call Chiquita.

Chiquita?

My downstairs maid.

Chiquita, Chiquita.

Ya-ya-ya-yay...

- She?
- Si, señora?

She is quite a dish.

I mean to say she's the...
the most attractive lady.

Chiquita, bring me
some champagne

and see what Señor
McCallister will have.

Señor?

[speaking Spanish]

What?

I guess my high school
Spanish isn't what it used to be.

Well, Chiquita was
born near the border.

She only speaks broken English.

Oh, well, in that case,

I would like mucho to also
have-o some champagne-o.

Oh, si señor-o.

Your Chiquita is
a real Latin beauty.

Chiquita, just open
the champagne.

It is difficult for me.

It's easy for me, pardon.

I think this way I
can get a better grip.

Gringo strong-o.

Out-o pronto.

Champagne for the lady.

Gracias.

[speaking foreign]

Madam, the hor d’oeuvres.

Thank you, Harrison.

Uh, caviar is my favorite.

I'm so glad.

I'm so glad. This is
imported from Russia.

One of the best.

Hmm.

Delicious.

Caviar, champagne, beautiful
surroundings, lovely flowers,

and, oh, magnificent
patio, may I?

Oh, be my guest.

Lucille!

We've already blown $80
on champagne and caviar.

Now is the time to
talk about my loan.

Well, wait until I get
some champagne into him.

I'm going to loosen him up.

Well, he doesn't strike me
as being a drinking man.

Are you kidding?

I can tell by his nose.

Lovely. Simply lovely out here.

Oh, thank you.

How about some more
champagne, Mr. McCallister?

Well, I better go easy.

You know, I do have to
drive back to the bank.

Oh, don't you worry about that.

I'll have Luigi drive you.

- Luigi?
- Yes, my chauffeur.

Harrison, is Luigi around?

I'm expecting him
momentarily, madam.

I had him drive your
Maserati up to the mountains

to have some fresh
air put in the tires.

Oh.

Well, might as well
have some of bubbly

while we're waiting for Luigi.

Fine nothing like mixing
business with pleasure.

Oh, yes. Business.

I must say, Mr. McCallister,
when I saw your telly commercial,

I was very impressed with the
way you loan money to people

without all that red tape.

Well, it is our
policy to be lenient,

that is on loans under
a thousand dollars

unless, of course,
we know the people.

Oh, well... I'm sure we
could get to know each other.

I'm certain we could.

Would you mind if I change
into something more comfortable?

It would be my pleasure.

Mimi! Mimi!

Mimi?

My upstairs maid.

We madam?

So, that's Mimi?

She's quite a dish.

I mean, she's a
very attractive lady.

Mimi, I wish to change into
something more comfortable.

Oh, oui, madam.

Ah, yes.

Hmm... oh, oh, yes.

Oh...

Oh, divine. Ha-ha-ha.

Oh, yes, that's much
better. That will be all, Mimi.

Oui, madam.

That will be all?

Hey, maybe, Mimi like to change
into something more comfortable?

Mr. McCallister...

Forgive me, but I do
have an eye for beauty.

- More champagne?
- Well, just the splash.

The last time, the police had
me blow up one of those balloons,

I went sailing over Pasadena.

Well, don't you
worry about driving.

Luigi should be back by now.

Luigi!

Luigi!

[speaking foreign]

Luigi, I've been
waiting for you.

I want you to stay around

so you can drive
Mr. McCallister back to the bank.

Who's Mr. McCallister?

This is Mr. McCallister.

Uh-huh-huh. Excuse, Pisan.

I thought you were Rex Harrison.

- You look just like...
- That will be all, Luigi.

Mrs. Carter, you
certainly have a lot of help

for such an unpretentious home.

Oh, well, this is actually
the servant's quarter

as I just moved in with them

until my townhouse is
moved to the country.

Oh, I see.

Now, that Luigi is
here to drive you,

surely you can have
more champagne.

I'll drink to that.

You know, if there's one thing
about good vintage champagne,

you can drink a whole boatload

and never feel a wave.

Uh, the grape.

I love the grape

and the vineyards
especially this time of year.

Nature was so kind to
man to invent the grape.

Hi-o.

Whoo! That stuff
sure goes down easy.

Here, have some of mine.

That's right. No sense
interrupting a good thing.

How true.

Now, shall we
talk about my loan?

What?

I said what about my loan?

Oh, pardon me, but when I drink,

sometimes, it
affects my hearing.

Oh, then, why do you drink?

Well, as a favorite
character of mine once said,

"Because lately, the
stuff I've been drinking

is a lot better than the
stuff I've been hearing."

W. C. Fields.

Exactly, my little chickadee.

You are so talented.

You know, I never
thought I'd meet a man

who was a cross between
Rex Harrison and W. C. Fields.

Thank you, my precious petunia.

Your admiration warms
the c*ck of my heart.

And there's nothing like
some cold champagne

to relieve the discomfort
of warm c*ck.

Oh, you're a riot.

You're so much fun. You
don't even seem like a banker.

Thank you, my little kumquat.

Ah, the symmetry
of your lovely digits

has captured my heart,

allow me.

I wonder if I might partake
of a second helping.

Now, Mr. McCallister,
about my loan.

Well, I'm sure we won't
have any trouble with that.

You certainly don't
impress me though

as a person in need of a loan.

Well, at the moment, I'm
in need of what we girls call

a little mad money.

How much?

About $10,000.

$10,000 mad money?

I have a terrible temper.

And I'll bet you're
beautiful when you're mad.

Uh-huh-huh.

But for a loan that size,

I need some facts about
your financial status.

Oh, naturally.

Well, when my husband passed
away, my dear, dear, dear husband,

I ordered my accountants to make
a complete audit of my finances.

That was about five years ago.

I see. And how much
did they estate come to?

Well, I don't know.
They're still counting.

Well, that must
be quite a fortune.

And quite a responsibility.

I do hope I'll be able to find
someone here in the States

to handle my finances.

Have no fear.

McCallister is here.

If I brought an account
like that into the bank,

it would be quite a
feather in my cap.

Well, you'll be a good boy
and I'll make you an Indian chief.

Whoo-hoo!

Now, what about my loan?

Well, for a woman
who's affluent as you are,

I can authorize it personally.

All I need is your signature and
my folder is right out in the car.

Oh, well, no, don't
bother. Harrison?

Harrison, please, get
Mr. McCallister's folder from his car.

He wishes to sign
a loan authorization.

[speaking foreign]

Mama Mia!

Did he say Mama Mia?

I think the champagne is
affecting your hearing again.

I'll have Chiquita
put on some music.

A little dancing will
clear up the cobwebs.

Chiquita...

Chiquita, play some
nice romantic music.

Uh-huh, oui, madam.

Oui madam?

They're linguists.
They're all linguists.

Oh, do you samba?

You bet your enchiladas I do.

Chiquita is much
better at this than I am.

I haven't danced
that much in years.

Muchos gracias.

I haven't had that much
fun in a long, long time.

Where is Mrs. Carter?

Well, she comes...

I was wondering where you went?

Rodney stopped by
to borrow a polo mallet.

Rodney?

Yes. Rodney dear,

you have a nice game.

Have a lovely game, Rodney.

Telephone company?

Since they raised the rates,
they've organized a polo team.

Harrison, give
Mr. McCallister his folder

so he can authorize my loan.

Thank you, Pisano.

You were right about dancing
clearing up the cobwebs.

Mrs. Carter, since I'm
authorizing this loan

without collateral of any
kind or any legal credentials,

I'll need the signatures of
several character witnesses.

Character witnesses?

Yes, your four
servants will do just fine.

Chiquita sign this and send
Mimi in here immediately.

Oh, si si.

Chiquita...

And now, you sign, Harrison
and send Luigi in right away.

Yes, ma'am, right away, ma'am.

And tell Luigi to
get in right away.

Right away, ma'am. Yes ma'am.

Uh, are you sure you won't
have some more champagne?

No, just the signatures
and quickly if possible.

Oh, yes. Well, I go and
know what's keeping Mimi,

unless because you're here,

the upstairs maid is
afraid to come downstairs.

- Mimi...
- Si, si, oui.

Mimi, Mimi, please
sign this paper.

Mimi?

Mimi.

Luigi.

- Luigi.
- I'm coming. I'm coming.

Luigi, we need your signature.

Si senora.

Just as I thought, this
whole thing is a fraud.

You're not Harrison the butler

and you're not
Luigi, the chauffeur.

And you're not Sexy Rexy.

Harry, I'm sorry about
what we did Mr. McCallister.

This is my brother-in-law,
Harrison Carter.

And this is my daughter, Kim.

And we needed a
loan from the bank

to get his business going again.

But we weren't trying
to be dishonest, really.

We just figured that
the way banks operate,

they won't loan you money

unless you can prove
you don't need it.

I understand what
you mean, Mrs. Carter,

but my banking philosophy
happens to be quite different.

Different?

When people who have a
lot of money ask for a loan,

I think it indicates a
case of bad management.

But people like you

who shows such imagination
and resourcefulness,

I consider a good risk.

You mean you will OK our loan?

Well, it's only money.

And as we say down at
the bank, it is not our money.

Oh, Mr. McCallister...

Listen, you can pick up
your check in the morning.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Adios Chiquita.

Cheerio, Harrison.

Au revoir, Mimi.

Arrivederci, Luigi.

And goodbye, Mrs. Carter,

whoever you were.