06x06 - Lucy Gives Eddie Albert the Old Song and Dance

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy

Starring: Lucille Ball

Co-starring: Gale Gordon

There you are three coffees.

Thank you, Jimmy.

That'll be 25 cents apiece.

Oh yeah.

Have you girls been
arrested yet for littering?

Hey, don't be smart, James.

How come you all
brought your lunch today?

We're having a committee
meeting for our Girls Friday Follies.

Yeah. That's a show
we do every year

to raise money for
the underprivileged kids

to send to them to camp.

Oh yeah? Put me
now for two tickets.

Well, good boy, Jimmy.

There you are.

OK girls, let's
start the meeting.

Now, we got a lot to talk about

and the first thing that
I want to warn you...

Yeah, Jimmy?

As an old American custom,

when you deliver food to someone

they give you a
reward for your trouble.

It's called tipping.

Oh well, that's
right, I'm sorry.

Let's see, now my
coffee was 25 cents

and 10% of that is...

can you break uh,
can you break a nickel?

You're putting me on.

Lucy for heaven's
sake, don't be so cheap.

Thank you.

We'll all chip in
and get him a dime.

Forget it.

And you can also forget
about those two tickets,

those kids think they're
underprivileged, huh.

Well.

Listen, Lucy did
you get the posters?

Oh yes and they are great.

They've got a
picture of this flapper

- in a little cloche hat, you know...
- Oh, that's darling...

Yeah, it looks like it's just
going to go right into it...

Oh, that's really cute.

- But you know...
- Yeah.

I'm not sure, we should be doing
a show about the roaring '20s.

Well, of course we should.

Nostalgia is in right
now, Mary Jane.

Well, I don't know,
nostalgia is so old fashion.

- Well that's the idea, dear.
- Oh.

Good heavens.

Vanda, how are the
ticket sales coming?

Pretty good, I
sold three already.

I mean besides the ones
you sold to the three of us.

Well, frankly, I
haven't sold any others.

Oh, I don't know.

They just doesn't seem to
be any interested in the show.

Oh dear.

You know what we need?

More talent?

No. We're loaded with talent.

I mean, what we
needed is a big name.

How about Engelbert Humperdinck,

he's got the biggest
name I know.

You silly goose.

I wish we could get
someone like that

for such a good cause.

Now, let's see, who can we get?

It's got to be somebody
that sings and dances.

Hey, maybe Joyce Haber

- has a singer/dancer
in her column today.
- Maybe.

Let's see here.

Hey, Frank Sinatra is going
to come out of retirement.

Well, he's a good singer, but
he's not a very good dancer.

Too bad Frank, you just blew it.

- Hello Harry.
- Oh hi, Harry.

How are you?

Apparently, I missed
the Iowa state picnic.

Come on. Come on.
Clean this mess up.

Get this mess up. Get it up.

Oh, all this messy stuff.
Come on for heaven's sake.

Hold it. Hold.
Hold. Hold. Hold it.

Who put my letter
opener in the mustard?

Well, I didn't have a knife.

Oh, you didn't have a knife.

Come on get this
stuff out of here.

You know, I bet I have the
only desk in the whole building

that has resident mice.

Come on girls, the meeting
will continue over on my side.

Come on Vanda bring your chair.

He's so cranky, Lucy.

He really is.

I don't think he's
had his lunch yet.

- I don't know how you stand it.
- Well...

Oh, hey listen to this,

Joyce Haber had dinner
at Eddie Albert's last night.

- Eddie Albert!
- Yeah.

- Oh, he has a beautiful house.
- Yeah.

I saw it when I went on the
tour the movie star's homes.

Is that the same tour when
you sneaked into Rock Hudson's

backyard and tried
to steal an orange?

Yeah.

And is that the same tour
where you saw Dean Martin

in his bathrobe scooting
over the trashcan

with some empty bottles?

Yes.

How often do you think I take a
tour of the movie star's homes?

Once a month.

Oh, I do not.

Listen,

Eddie Albert would be a
great headliner for our show.

Right. He sings and dances.

He sure does, I saw
him on Music Man.

And he's cute too.

All right. All right girls,
the meeting is over.

This is a place of business,
now go to your own typewriters.

Go on. Go, go, go, go.

OK girls, we'll have
to meet another time

and our first order
of business will be

to replace Harry as
emcee of our show.

Oh... em... em... emcee?

Yes, Harry, you'd
be perfect for it,

but if you insist on having
this unpleasant attitude,

we'll just get someone else.

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the
annual Girl Friday Folly.

You know, a funny thing happened
to me on the way to the theater...

Yeah, well never mind
Harry, save it for the show.

Oh, while I do that, I
have a lot of new stuff too...

- Go ahead with your meeting,
please, please.
- Oh, thank you very much.

- Be my guest. Be my guest.
- Thank you.

- Now then...
- OK. Now then.

Well, who's gonna
contact Eddie Albert?

Oh, well it's obvious...

It is?

Certainly, the one who is
going to contact Eddie Albert

is the one who
knows his address.

Lucille, you may have forgotten,

but this instrument has
some little keys on it.

And if you strike
them sharply enough,

they hit a black ribbon inside

and it makes letters and
forms words and then,

well if you've have enough
words put together in no time at all

you've written a letter.

And then we put it in an envelope
and we put a little stamp on it

and in no time at all

it's winging its way
across the countryside.

Huh!

Where are my letters?

I haven't done them yet,

I was worried
about Eddie Albert.

Well, suppose you get busy

and let Margo worry
about Eddie Albert.

Oh, now look, I can't phone him

because he has
an unlisted number.

- Well, are you sure?
- I'm positive.

There are only two Eddie Albert's
in the Beverly Hills phonebook,

one is a retired balloonist

and the other one
wants me to go to Fresno

with him this weekend
on his motorcycle.

It sounds like a fun
weekend, are you going?

Oh, of course not, I
don't even know him.

Well, if you ride all
the way to Fresno

on the back of his
motorcycle, you'll know him.

Come on, old
Harry, help me think.

Well look, while you're thinking,
would you type up my letters?

I can't type and think
at the same time?

I've noticed that.

Listen Harry,

I read in the Sunday
magazine section

that Eddie Albert is an
enthusiastic gardener.

Now listen,

maybe I could
slip over his wall,

dressed as a giant caterpillar.

I didn't like it either.

Lucille, I'd like to
make a suggestion,

of course it may
sound a little crazy.

I don't care; the
crazier the better.

Well, why don't you
just go over to his house,

ring the bell and come right out
and ask him to be in your show.

Oh that is crazy.

Now, you just tell him that
the show is to raise money

to send some
little kids to camp.

Oh, I don't know
about that, Harry.

Well, it's either that or
get into your caterpillar suit.

Well, OK.

Where are you going?

Over to Eddie Albert's.

But what about my letters?

Oh I don't have time for those?

What do you mean?

This is a little...

Any calls?

Well, that "ding-a-ling"
called again

right after you
left this morning.

Oh no, no, let's not
call her a "ding-a-ling"

after all she's seen every
movie I've ever made

and every episode
of Green Acres twice

and all the reruns.

Well, she's a
"ding-a-ling" but with class.

Well, I'll buy that.

Yeah. What did
she want this time?

She wants to know when
you're going to get rid of Margo,

so the two of you
can run away together.

Oh-h*, you're right.
She's a "ding-a-ling".

Oh yeah.

She even said she
just might drop by

and pay you a surprise visit.

Whoa,

well if Margo is here
when she comes by,

she's going to
get a real surprise.

Well, I took the liberty
of calling the police.

- The police?
- Yes.

And they know all about her.

She is on the top
of their weirdo list.

Oh, you called the police?

They told me that she
also bothers Rock Hudson.

Now, how do you like
that, a fickle weirdo?

Yeah. Well, the important thing

is that the police said
she may be dangerous.

Dangerous?

Well, who knows
she may be armed,

maybe carrying
a g*n in her purse.

Anyway, the important
thing is if she does come by,

we're to call them;

you stall her until
they get here.

Oh, what does she look like?

Well, she's rather tall;
she has red hair, blue eyes,

and is very unpredictable.

Oh, I hope she doesn't come by.

Well, maybe we'll be lucky
and she'll go to see Rock today.

Well, let's hope so.

Oh,

here is that script
the studio sent over,

- they want you to read.
- Oh?

Well, I wonder what they
want to start to do this time,

take off his clothes
or turn into a snake.

Oh I'll get it.

The ding-a-ling is here.

- What?
- Yes.

- You're sure?
- Yes.

She has red hair.

She says she's a fan of yours

and she has a wild
gleam in her eye.

Let her in and
then I'll stall her.

No, you stall
her. No, I stall her

and you go and phone for
the police in the other phone.

- Yeah, OK.
- Yeah.

I feel like I'm on the Mannix.

Right this way please.

And Mr. Albert, this is, uh...

Mrs. Carter.

Well, Mrs. Carter,
how do you do?

Won't you to come in.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Well, Mrs. Carter, this is
certainly a nice surprise.

Oh thank you.
Thank you, Mr. Albert.

Now, I don't want to take
up too much of your time.

Oh no, take all
the time you want.

Oh here, sit down.
Be comfortable.

Thank you. Thank you.

You know, Mr. Albert, I
am a very big fan of yours.

Well, I understand

and I also hear that you're a
very big fan of Rock Hudson's too.

How do you know about that?

Well, he told somebody
and they told me.

Well, that Rock Hudson
is certainly a blabbermouth.

No, I wouldn't say that.

Well, I would.

And the next time you see him,

tell him for me that
his oranges are piffy.

Yes, I'll tell him.

Do you mind if I called
and told him on the phone?

He's awfully big.

Oh yeah, well, OK.

I suppose you also heard
all about Dean Martin.

Oh, are you a fan of his too?

Yeah. Yeah.

I like him in spite
of his knobby knees.

Dean Martin has knobby knee?

If you don't believe me I
have a picture right here.

Oh I believe you!

I believe you.

He has awful knees.

Well, Mr. Albert,

I might as well come
right out and tell you.

I came to ask you a favor.

Anything at all.

Ask away. Ask away.

Oh really?

Well, you see, I belong to
an organization of secretaries

and we're doing a show
called the Girl Friday Follies

and we need a headliner.

Oh, I'd love to do it.

I thought it would probably
be asking too much,

but the show is for a
very good... you would?

Yeah, of course.

Oh, Mr. Albert, how wonderful.

Now, look if you're going
to be this way about it,

how would you like to do a
number with me for the finale.

Well, I thought
you'd never asked.

Oh!

Oh, this is just
too good to be true.

You know, my
brother-in-law, Harry,

told me to just come
right out and ask you

and I did and for
once Harry was right.

Yes.

Good old Harry was right.

You know him?

Harry? Oh do I...?

And to know
Harry is to love him.

I don't think we're talking
about the same Harry.

Well, Mr. Albert here is
the rehearsal schedule

and this is for the show

and the address is the
employment agency where I work

- and we do the rehearsal there.
- Ah-ha.

And I want to thank
you very much now,

I really should be going.

Oh no, you shouldn't.

Oh, I've taken up too
much of your time already.

No, you haven't.

But you must have
other things to do.

No, I don't.

Why don't you
stay and we'll chat.

Chat?

Well, OK.

- How have you been?
- Oh pretty good.

Mr. Albert, may I see
you a minute please?

Oh, it's very awkward
to leave right now.

Yes, but Mr. Albert,

you remember that important
guest you were expecting?

- Yes.
- Well she's not coming.

What?

She decided to go to
Rock Hudson's instead.

Well, tell her to not eat
any of those piffy oranges.

Oh, she's not
eating his oranges;

she's skinny-dipping
in his pool.

Oh, I've heard about those
wild Hollywood parties.

- How did you find this out?
- I read the magazines.

Well, you know, those fellows

- who were going to
meet her here, - Yeah.

Well they called me to say

they're giving her a
police escort downtown.

Oh good.

Wait a minute if that
important guest went to Rock's,

then who...

I haven't the slightest idea.

I really must go.

I have to get back to
work or I'll lose my job.

Mrs. Carter, please.

I have something to tell you.

You see, when
you walked in here,

I thought you were the...

Well, the reason I agreed
to do your show is because...

Because you're
sweet and generous

and I love you for it, hmmm.

You're a doll. He's a doll.

See you at rehearsal.

Wait, Mrs. Carter!

Listen, how are the ticket
sales coming, Vanda.

Great.

Ever since I told people
we had Eddie Albert,

the tickets have
been selling like crazy.

Good.

Harry, I see you don't
mind our little picnics

as much as you used to.

No. No, I don't.

If we have any more of these,

I think I'll put in a shade
tree and a bubbling brook.

Ha-ha-ha.

Oh you're cute.

Ha-ha-ha.

- Hi. Could anyone tell me...?
- Oh!

Eddie Albert, how
nice to see you.

Please come in.

Mr. Albert, I would like
you to meet Ms. Louise

and Ms. Barra and my
boss, Harrison Carter.

- The emcee.
- Yes, he's the emcee.

Mr. Albert, I want to tell
you how thrilled we are

that you're going
to be in our show.

Oh yes.

Oh, I've seen you on
television Mr. Albert,

but you look more
gorgeous in person.

Well, thank you. Thank you...

- Mrs. Carter.
- Yes.

I wonder if I could talk
to you about the show.

Oh yes, of course.

Go ahead, sh**t.

Alone.

Well, we'll leave them to it

Bye, Mr. Albert.

It's nice meeting you.

Make it fast out. That's good.

Yeah, well.

Harry, Mr. Albert said alone.

Oh well, I'm the emcee.

Yeah, well that can still
be changed you know.

Why don’t you two
talk it over alone?

I think that would
be a good idea.

- Ah, Mrs. Carter.
- Yes.

Here's what I wanted
to talk to you about.

You know, the minute
you left the house,

I began to worry that I
might already have another

engagement the
night of your show.

Oh dear, oh that's terrible.

What night is your engagement?

What night is your show?

Two weeks from Friday.

Oh, darn.

Isn't that rotten luck,

that's the night of
my other engagement.

Oh no, can't you
possibly get out of it?

Oh, I wish I could,
but it's impossible.

It's... It's Margo's birthday.

Oh, well, well, well...
well if you can't, you can't.

No that's right, I can't.

I guess those little
underprivileged kids

will just have to wait to go
to camp some other time.

Uh, what little
underprivileged kids?

Oh didn't I tell you that?
That's what the show is about.

That's why we're
raising the money.

I didn't know the
show is for charity?

Yeah, well you're so nice,

you agreed to do it before I
had the chance to tell you, really.

But it doesn't matter,

so all the kids don't
get to go camping,

so they don't get to sleep
outdoors under the stars.

They'll just have to stay
home in a crowded city.

After all, the Milky
Way is the Milky Way

- even if you're lying in the gutter.
- Ah...

Anyway, who needs to
sit around a stupid campfire

toasting dumb marshmallows

and singing some
stale song like:

[singing] There's a
long, long trail a-winding

Into the land of my dreams

Where the
nightingales are singing

And a white moon beams.

I want to do it!

Oh wonderful, wonderful.

Oh, I'm so happy. I'm so happy.

You know... oh wait a minute.

What about Margo's birthday?

Oh, if I know women,

Margo would just soon
forget about her birthday.

Oh this is wonderful

because everyone was so thrilled
that you're going to be with us.

I'll go tell the others.

[singing] There's a
long, long trail a-winding

Into the land of my dreams,

Where the
nightingales are singing

And the white moon beams,

Yes, I'll do it!

Thank you. Thank you.

Crime and Punishment.

What a team. What a team.

And now for our grand finale,

may I present to the
stage screen and television,

Eddie Albert and the
queen of the coffee breaks,

Lucille Carter, here they are.

♪ Another bride

♪ Another June

♪ Another sunny honeymoon

♪ Another season, another reason

♪ For making whoopee

♪ A lot of shoes...
a lot of shoes,

♪ A lot of rice... a lot of rice

♪ The groom is nervous...
The groom... he answers twice

♪ He answers twice

♪ It's really k*lling
that he's so willing

♪ To make whoopee

♪ Picture a little love nest

♪ Down where the roses cling

♪ Just picture the
same sweet love nest

♪ Think what a year can bring

♪ He's washing
dishes and baby clothes

♪ He's so ambitious,
he even sews

♪ But don't forget folks,
that's what you get folks

♪ For making whoopee

♪ But don't forget folks,
that's what you get folks

♪ For making

♪ Whoopee.