06x20 - Mary Jane's Boyfriend

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here is Lucy.

Starring Lucille Ball.

Co-starring Gale Gordon.

All right, Lucille, you
can go to lunch now

and please try to get
back before five o'clock.

I wouldn't want you
to miss quitting time.

Oh, come on, Harry.

As a matter of fact, I
may be a little late today.

I'm waiting for Mary Jane.

Oh, what is this, take a
cuckoo bird to lunch week?

She's a doll and you know it.

Hey, listen, Harry.
She is so excited.

She's bringing along her
boyfriend for me to meet.

Mary Jane has a boyfriend?

That's right.

- Then it must be true.
- What?

They've landed from outer space.

Oh, now please, Harry,
when they get here, no cracks.

Mary Jane says
it's a real romance.

She says he's very nice looking

and I'll bet he's loaded.

What gives you that idea?

He owns a meat market.

He is loaded.

Have you bought
a lamb chop lately?

I'm buying one on
the installment plan.

- Certainly the way to do it.
- Yeah.

- Hello, everybody.
- Here she is.

Well, Harry,

did Lucy tell you about
my new boyfriend, Walter?

Yeah. Yeah...

Then you know why I
look so glowing and radiant.

Oh, I thought that was
your allergy flaring up.

Oh, Harry.

Don't mind him. He
doesn't upset me a bit, Lucy.

I am on cloud nine.

Listen, Mary Jane, tell me

when did you first know
Walter was interested in you?

I think it must have been
when I bought that rump roast

and he slipped in an
extra sprig of parsley.

How touching.

It gets me right
in the spare rib.

Oh, Harry.

- Hello, Honeybunch.
- Oh!

Walter, come and
meet my friends.

This is Lucy Carter,
my very best friend

and this is Harry
Carter, her brother-in-law,

- and this is Walter Butley.
- Hi, there.

Well, I've been looking
forward to meeting you, Walter.

Mary Jane has been saying
some very nice things about you.

Well, I can say some
very nice things about her.

I have never met a
girl quite like Mary Jane.

And you won't.

Not many around like Mary Jane.

You know, Lucy, Mary Jane
didn't tell me how attractive you are.

Oh well gee, I thought it
was common knowledge.

Oh.

Tell me, Walter, how are
things in the meat business?

Well, things were
going along pretty well

but we do have our
problems, you know.

Well, like for
example, yesterday,

they tried to arrest
me for public nudity.

- What?
- Public nudity,

what are you talking about?

I forgot to put the
panties on the lamb chops.

Oh, don't you just love
him. He's so full of fun.

Yeah. He's full of it all right.

Well, ladies, shall we lunch?

- Oh, yeah, let's go.
- Yes, OK, bye-bye, Harry.

- Bye.
- Bye-bye.

So long, Harry.

Hello, Kim, how are you?

Who is this? It's your
mother, remember?

Yeah, the lovable redhead
with the gorgeous figure

who taught you
how to wave bye-bye.

Oh, well get your ears
out of the dryer and listen.

Are you ready?

All right, I can't go shopping
with you today, darling.

Well, your considerate Uncle
Harry is coming over with some work.

I know it's Saturday,

but he said God
only rested one day

and if it's good enough for
God, it's good enough for me.

Oh, he's here now.

Come on in, the door is open.

Yeah, well right but
listen, listen honey,

listen Kim, if you get a chance,

pick up a couple of pairs of
stockings for me and well, if you...

Oh! Uh...

No, no darling, it's nothing.

I'll call you back.

Well, hi Walter,
this is a surprise.

I brought a present for you.

A present?

Two and a half
pounds of ground round.

Well, thank you.

Extra lean.

Well in that case,
thank you very much.

I'll put it in the...

Walter, are you all right?

Lucy, do you believe
in love at first sight?

Uh-oh.

Ever since I met you yesterday,
I couldn't think of anything else.

I couldn't even
sleep last night.

I have flipped over you.

Well Walter, please try
to un-flip yourself now.

Now, let's just keep calm
and cool about this whole thing.

You can't be serious.

Oh Lucy, don't try to fight it.
We are meant for each other.

What must be, must be.

Well now, not with me
it won't be what must be.

Now, now, keep away, Walter.

Lucy, Lucy, let me
take you in my arms.

One burning kiss and you'll
know this is the real thing.

Simmer down, Walter.

Remember, I'm Mary
Jane's best friend.

Well, I was too, Lucy,

but your beauty and personality
have changed all of that.

Well now, you've got a
strong argument there but...

But this is ridiculous.

Easy now, Walter,
keep your distance.

- Lucy, Lucy...
- Walter, please...

Let me take you in my arms.

Now stop it.

Come in, Harry.

Hi Wal...

What's he wearing on his head?

Two and a half
pounds of ground round.

- What?
- Extra lean.

Of course, silly of me to ask.

Walter was just leaving.

Yeah.

I'll be back soon.

And next time, we'll
take up where we left off.

Well, what was that all about?

All right. Hold on
to yourself, Harry.

I am in a middle of a triangle.

Walter says it was
love at first sight.

He flipped for me.

He's a nuttier
fruitcake than I thought.

All right, all right.

But how do I get rid of him

and what if Mary
Jane finds out about it?

You know, I was caught in
the middle of a triangle once

back at college.

How did you handle it?

Well you see, these two
coeds were wild about me

so I would see Betty on Monday,
Wednesdays, and Fridays,

then I went out with Mercedes on
Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays.

What did you do on Sundays?

I rested.

Oh you're a big help.

Look, I have got to
keep him away from me

and I have got to keep Mary
Jane from finding out about this.

Right, right, right.

As weird as it sounds,

she might even think I
lured him away from her

and she'd never forgive me.

Wait a minute, Lucille,

didn't Mary Jane offered
to come and stay with you

- when Kim left home so
you wouldn't be lonesome?
- Yeah.

Well, why don't you call her

and say that suddenly,
you feel lonesome

and you'd like her to come
and live with you for a while?

What good would that do?

Well, meathead wouldn't
be able to see you alone

because Mary Jane would be here

and if he did come over,
Mary Jane quite naturally

would assume that he
was coming over to see her.

Harry, that could work.

I'm going to call
Mary Jane right now.

Yes sir, that was
a brilliant idea.

In affairs of the heart, dear
Abby always comes to me.

Well, Mary Jane, I guess
you are now officially moved in.

Yes and thanks for
helping me unpack, honey.

Well, I thought you need a
little help with eight suitcases.

Well, don't let that scare you.
I might not be here too long.

I expect Walter to pop
the question any day now.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Oh, hey, Lucy,
what do you think?

Do I look fetching?

Mary Jane, if I needed anything,
I'd sure have you fetch it for me.

Oh...

- Walter likes the natural look.
- Oh.

Then why do you have
on so much makeup?

Walter thinks this is natural.

I see.

Listen, Lucy,
before he gets here,

I want to let you
in on a little secret.

What's that?

How do you think I landed him?

Beauty, figure, personality.

I mean, besides that?

I give up, what?

I am going to charm school.

Charm school?

Yes and it's marvelous.

Listen, you'd be surprised
of the things you do wrong

until someone
points him out to you.

Like what?

Well, like walking.

For instance, look, see?

Now I can walk with
a book on my head.

So, native girls
in the West Indies

can walk with a whole
week's wash on their head.

No, it's more than that, honey.

For instance, I didn't
know how to sit down.

Well, you know, I used
to just sit down like that.

Now, I sit down.

Next week I'm going
to learn how to get up.

Oh, well that's good.
That's good, dear.

Anyway, it's just all working
so beautifully with Walter

and I hope you
two get along, Lucy.

You know, I kind
of think he likes you.

Well, I got a feeling
he thinks I'm OK.

- Oh, there's my little lamb chop.
- Yeah.

Hi, Walter.

Good evening, Mary Jane.

Good evening, Lucy.

Hello, Walter.

Mary Jane...

This is for you.

- This is for you, Lucy.
- Thank you.

Oh, isn't that sweet, he
brought you flowers too.

Yes.

Thank you, Walter.

Did mine shrink?

Oh no, no, you see, according
to the book of etiquette,

the hostess always
gets the largest bouquet.

Oh, isn't he proper?

Yeah, proper.

Here, let me have yours dear
and I'll put them both in water.

Oh no, Lucy, I'll
put them in water.

Oh, I wouldn't think of it.
Now, I'll put them in water.

No, let me do it

because I want you to get
to know each other better.

Now, there's a real good idea.

Put them in cold water,
Mary Jane, lots of cold...

and see if you can
find some aspirins.

Aspirin is very good for them.

I know why you had Mary
Jane move in here with you.

You're afraid to be alone with
me and let our love blossom.

You're going to have a blossom
on your nose if you come any closer.

Walter, stop it now.

Stop it this minute!

Oh, I love you when
there's fire in your eyes.

It goes so great with your hair.

Cut it out now. Mary Jane
will be out any second.

You are just denying
your love for me

because of your
friendship for her.

- Walter, you're a nut!
- Yes, I'm a nut, Lucy.

I'm a nut over you.

- Now, stop it!
- Stop it!

Cut it out!

Aren't they just beautiful?

Yeah, they are, dear.

One, two, three, four...

You're dancing?

One, two, three, four...
One, two, three, four...

Ugh!

Now Walter,
remember that last step,

it's very important.

I'm just so happy you
two are hitting it off so well.

Yeah, we're doing fine, dear.

What are you lovebirds
going to be doing tonight?

Say, I've got an idea,

why don't we just stay home

and play some
three-handed gin rummy?

- Thanks just the same but...
- Oh, isn't that considerate?

He doesn't want us to go
out and have a good time

and leave poor
you home all alone.

Him is such a thoughtful
little cutetums, isn't him?

Yeah, him is.

Well, where's the card?

Oh, him is going to have
such a good time tonight.

Mary Jane tell me,

why do you gargle so much
every morning and every night?

Oh well, it's
soothing to my throat.

If I don't do it, my voice gets
kind of funny and squeaky.

Oh well, keep gargling, dear.

Oh boy.

- Listen, Lucy, - What?

Maybe I ought to sleep
in the other room tonight.

Why?

Well, I've been
here three nights

and I've been neglecting
my charm school homework

and I've been
neglecting it because

I thought it would disturb you.

No, go right ahead.
It won't bother me.

Really? OK.

- Of course not.
- OK.

You are lovely.

I am lovely.

You are very, very lovely.

I am very, very lovely.

Men find you fascinating.

Men find me fascinating.

Men will always
find you fascinating.

Men will always
find me fascinating.

Because you have an inner glow.

Because I have an inner glow.

Mary Jane...

Yeah?

What is all that?

Oh, I told you, this is my
charm school homework.

This is power
positive thinking record

and it's supposed to give you
self-assurance and confidence.

Oh, I see.

But it does disturb
you doesn't it?

No, no, go right ahead.

I just wondered
what it was, that's all.

I guess when you hear
it out of the blue like that

sounds kind of sappy.

You are very fascinating.

I am very fascinating.

And why are you fascinating?

And why am I fascinating?

Because you're lovely.

Because I'm lovely.

You are fascinating and lovely
because you have an inner glow.

I am fascinating and
lovely because I...

You have an inner glow.

I have an inner glow.

Oh, thank you, Lucy.

Mary Jane, you really are
lovely and you're very fascinating

and you do have
a darling inner glow

but maybe you should
take your inner glow

and go into the other room.

See, I thought it
would disturb you.

- Well...
- No, it's OK.

I understand honey, really.

And I'll see you in the morning.

- I hope so.
- OK.

- Nighty night.
- Nighty night.

Oh, hey, Lucy, watch. Watch me.

Walter, get out of here,
get down off that ladder.

Go away!

Go away!

What are you doing here?

Now, get dressed and
pack, we are going to elope.

Elope?

Well, could you think of a more
romantic way to get married?

Walter, you ought to
be ashamed of yourself.

What about Mary Jane?

We'll send her a telegram from
Las Vegas after the wedding.

I've heard enough.

Now, you get out of
here and go on home.

Now, I'm going to come
in and help you pack.

Ugh!

Oh, Lucy. Oh Lucy, my back.

Open the window, Lucy. Open it!

Only if you promise to leave.

No, I promise only
to leave with you.

Ugh! Oh, oh, oh!

Shh!

- OK, I give up, you win, you win.
- All right.

- Just open the window.
- All right.

Open the window, Lucy. Open it.

I'm trying to. It's stuck.

Try harder, will you.

Oh...

All right, now
goodnight, Walter.

Ahh!

Walter, are you all right?

I... I guess so.

I landed in the bushes.

Oh good.

- Lucy...
- Yeah?

Don't bother to pack tonight.

Don't worry.

Oh, Walter.

I didn't know you
were hurt that much.

I've never seen
so many bandages.

Well, I fell in the rosebush
with all of those thorns.

Oh gee, that's terrible.

Oh, it sort of helped.

It was a case of
self-inflicted acupuncture.

Is Mary Jane here?

No, not yet. She
has to work late.

Oh good, good.

Now, we can elope
from the ground floor.

It's a lot safer.

Walter, there is no way I
am going to elope with you

and please get it through
that fat pumpkin head of yours.

Well, you're just saying
that on account of Mary Jane

and as soon as she gets here,

I am telling her that I've
fallen in love with you.

You're going to
do no such thing.

- Oh, yes I am.
- No you're not.

Oh yes.

There she is now
and I am telling her all.

You are not going to
hurt that girl's feelings.

She's still very
serious about you.

Now, I want you
to go out of here

- and I want you to be quiet.
- Don't push...

Don't dare make any
noise until I called.

Hi, Mary Jane.

Hi, honey.

Oh, Lucy.

Oh, I've got such
a problem, Lucy.

What kind of a problem?

I don't know how to
explain Jack to Walter.

Would it help any if
I knew who Jack is?

Jack Thomas, my new boyfriend.

New boyfriend?

Oh, that charm
school is dynamite.

But now my problem is

how am I going to break it gently
to dear sweet innocent Walter.

Well dear, if I were
you, I'd just be honest.

Somehow, I think dear,
sweet, innocent Walter

will just step aside.

I sure hope you're right.

Yeah well, you can tell
him now, he's in the kitchen.

- Walter is here?
- Yeah.

Oh, I better talk
to him fast, Lucy,

because Jack is on his
way over here to pick me up.

Oh Walter!

Walter!

Walter, Mary Jane is here now.

Oh.

- Hello, Mary Jane.
- Hello, Walter.

Well, go ahead and tell him.

Walter, I hate to tell you this,

especially after you
had that freaky accident

and fell out of your
hammock on to a cactus plant.

Yeah, that was pretty freaky.

You hate to tell me
what, Mary Jane?

Brace yourself,

I've fallen in love
with another man.

- You have?
- I'm sorry, that's the way it is.

Oh, oh, well that's
fine, Mary Jane,

because I have
fallen in love with Lucy.

Oh, isn't he brave,

covering a broken
heart making jokes.

Yeah, brave.

Oh, that's Jack.

Hi, Mary Jane.

Come on honey, I want you
to meet some of my friends.

Oh fine.

Now, this is Jack Thomas.

This is my very best
friend, Lucy Carter.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

And this is Walter Butley,
former acquaintance.

Hi.

- Well honey, you're all ready?
- Yeah, OK. All set.

Can you excuse us?

Oh, nice meeting you all.

Nice meeting all of you.

Now, can we get married?

No, but you can do me a favor.

Oh sure Lucy, anything.

You can drive me downtown,
I'm signing up for charm course.

What?

"I am lovely, very, very lovely.

Men find me fascinating.

Men will always
find me fascinating

because I have an inner glow."

Boy, do I have an inner glow.

Come on, Walter.